


Broken {BOOK 1}

by BonnieScotty



Series: The Hurt Series [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bullying, Character Death, Famous Harry, Gay, Harry Has a Twin, Harry Styles is Marcel, Hurt Harry Styles, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild Smut, Non-Famous Louis, Past Child Abuse, Rape, Sad Harry Styles, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 04:42:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 46
Words: 180,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10455222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonnieScotty/pseuds/BonnieScotty
Summary: Louis Tomlinson is what many people see as a regular eighteen-year-old student. He is openly gay, and is accepted by practically everyone he goes to school with. When Louis gets bribed into taking his two eldest sisters to a Harry Styles concert- a singer whose music he is not exactly fond of- he gets a sudden change of perspective.Harry Styles leads a life of what multiple people assume as perfect, however they could not be anymore wrong. Harry holds a secret, a huge and incredibly dark secret which has been eating him up for as long as he can remember.After their chance meeting, will Louis be able to help break down Harry's barriers before it is too late to save him?





	1. Disclaimer.

For anyone wondering, I am posting this on here despite the entire story being on wattpad along with the beginning of the second book. A lot of people have not read this before so I need to make some warnings beforehand:

1\. Personally, I am not a shipper of Larry Stylinson, fanfictions like this are simply a guilty pleasure of mine to both read and write. I do not tolerate bullying under any circumstances and I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion over something and that is how it should be left. 

2\. This book is based mostly around the topic of depression which is not in detail because it is purposefully written from an outsiders point of view and is not accurate.

3\. There is talks of self harm, death by suicide, and abuse in this (mental, physical, and sexual), so if you are not comfortable with any of these then do not read this.

4\. Niall is the only other member of One Direction who will make an appearance in this book.

5\. This is set in 2012-early 2014, so Jay is still alive and she is still married to mark. Because of this, she does not have Ernest or Doris, only the oldest girls.

6\. In this, Louis is two years younger than he actually is (so his birthday is 24/12/1993 or 12/24/1993) which means he is roughly six weeks older than Harry is in this. 

In total, there are three books in this series (broken, unbroken, and recovery). This one is already completed and I'd say half of the second book is also written.


	2. One.

There was something very intimidating about starting all over in a brand new place. Not knowing what to expect, who you might make friends with, who you might make enemies with, what it might do to you as a person. These thoughts had been running through my mind for the past couple of weeks after receiving an unconditional offer to study at an actual college as opposed to sixth form which I was currently in. Why was I going to college when I technically already was in college? Because I simply cannot concentrate in a place full of obnoxious idiots. That is all that my school was filled with and I could not wait to get out of here. Nobody ever seemed to do anything about any kind of fighting, didn’t care about what grades students got. All people cared about was simply reputation and nothing else. Unfortunately, as long as something looks incredible from the outside then people will almost automatically assume it is also incredible on the inside. 

This was not how I saw things.

Personally I always want to really get to know something inside out instead of immediately jumping to conclusions and it was because I had this specific mind-set I really noticed just how horrible this place was. Everybody looked the same- stuck in a dreary navy and black uniform, excited chatter of the next party they wanted to attend and if they would have to sneak in or not, giggling over the hot bad boy that somehow attracts people. Everyone is so petty and nobody ever stands out, possibly why as a whole I’m a rather unsocial person. Don’t get me wrong here because as much as I hate it I was rather popular here (I have no idea how though, probably because I once got away with slipping a stink bomb into a teacher’s pocket), but there is only two people who I completely trust with everything going on in my life.

I had quite literally grown up with Chad and Olly, all of our mothers ended up being flatmates when they were at university and since they all fell pregnant around a similar time span they decided to grow us up together. Sometimes this can destroy relationships but ours only ever got stronger and stronger. Speaking of Chad, I caught sight of him up ahead chatting to the stereotypical cheerleader popular girl. Cheerleading isn’t really a thing in the U.K. but stereotypes are stereotypes none-the-less. A few people raised their hands out to me for a high five which I easily complied to although in my mind I was thinking completely differently.

It baffles me how when somebody is popular in school they are suddenly treated as a priceless trophy. The number of people who look at me like I’m solely a piece of meat or like they desperately want to be me was rather alarming actually. Then again, there isn’t anything that I can do about it apart from accept it with a grunt- that was how much I hated it. Being popular was not something I wanted but apparently being the only openly gay person in my school (that I know of anyway) instantly makes me into something I am not. 

Because of this popularity I have always to an extent received better treatment than most other people. There was a girl who was a lesbian who got bullied so much that she had to move yet I’m a gay guy who gets treated like one of the crown jewels. I did try my best with the girl in question but words damage people more than they think. Just because they do not leave a physical bruise does not mean there isn’t a bruise at all. A lot of people go by the belief that action speaks louder than words- fucking bullshit in my opinion. If anything it is words that speak louder than action. 

I can faintly remember one time reading something whilst I was scrolling through Facebook mindlessly, not really doing anything at all but wanting to desperately pass some of the time. It was a post someone had screenshotted from Tumblr consisting of someone making a similar connection. I don’t remember it word for word obviously because it was a while ago but it was something like this: a bruise from a punch will fade in a matter of days and then it can be forgotten, a harsh word will be remembered forever and cause even more damage. 

I shook my head at realising I was getting a bit too lost in my thoughts once again. My eyes were still trained on one of my best friends and snickering quietly to myself as he attempted to seduce her. I think I’ve heard someone say that her name is Madison and even I cannot deny that even her name was quite stereotypical for the popular cheerleader school girl. That’s all she was though, it’s what we all were apart from the teachers. Yet everyone acts like they are adults simply because this is sixth form and not simply in High School anymore. So many petty people and there is nothing I hate more than pettiness. 

I had to bite my lip hard to stifle my laughter at seeing a disgusted look form on Madison’s face before she stormed off down the other way, her miniskirt leaving fuck all to the imagination and her heels making a clicking sound against the tiles. How she never gets pulled up for dressing like that baffles me. Then again though she isn’t exactly breaking any clothing codes because her navy blazer sat scarily precise over her and her skirt was jet black. Still though, how anyone was allowed to walk around like that publicly at seventeen/eighteen years old confuses me to put it lightly. 

A crestfallen look came upon my best friend and I immediately pushed my way past all the people in the corridor to reach him to make sure he was alright. I might not like Madison in the slightest but for the past three years or so Chad has had a huge crush on her. And surprisingly not for the way she dresses or her looks. Despite me being gay I can tell when a girl is beautiful and damn Madison was certainly a beautiful young woman. Blonde hair falling just below her shoulders in soft curls and her make-up always applied with terrifying precision she looked like the perfect femme fatale almost. 

When I reached Chad I gave him a small smile and lazily swung my arm around his shoulders- well, I attempted to. I was five-foot-nine inches in height and Chad was a staggering six-foot-three inches so it was a bit awkward for me. I barely reached his shoulder and it did look comical to some people but we’ve literally done everything together. When I say everything, I really do mean everything. We’ve shared our first words with each other, started primary school on the exact same day with each other, began High School with each other, and now we were both preparing to sit our final exams before going to an actual college to actually do better in our A-Levels together.

Even though I had not yet sat any of my exams, I knew that I had not done well. I always goof off in class because I get bored far too easily and the majority of the time there is some idiot who decides to make as much noise as possible and annoy everybody. That and the fact that I was forced to take classes I hate so I just concluded that I would go through them the first round and then when it comes to the second round I would focus more and take classes that I actually want to take and was not forced to take. I wasn’t that bothered anyway about them, I don’t need any conditions to reach in order to secure my place at the college I was going to. 

I still have no idea how I managed to get an unconditional offer but I most certainly was not going to complain.

Maybe if it was the alternative I would put my head down and read my notes constantly but since this wasn’t the case it didn’t seem that important to me. Why spend time doing something I do not like just because I have to? I came out of my thoughts when I heard Chad start humming a song that I did not recognise considering his music taste is very different from mine. I tend to listen mostly to indie/rock music whereas Chad straight up listens to almost nothing but punk and death metal. How his ears don’t bleed whenever he has earphones in or headphones on really surprises me but he is used to it by now.

He still had that look on his face from being turned down even though he’s been turned down by her a few times now. Every time it was exactly the same but he still never gave up in trying to win her over. The thing is though; Chad wanted an actual relationship and not something casual like ninety percent of the teenage population do and people didn’t like this. He’s only ever been in one relationship despite his great looks. Yes, I did just say that my best friend is good looking- I’m not even going to deny it even though I’d never see him as more than a brother to me. On top of that he was as straight as a pole.

It had actually only been three years ago that I came to terms with my sexuality and it certainly wasn’t easy for me. At the time I was seeing a girl but nothing ever happened and before I knew it I realised that I always paid more attention to her brother than I did her. I felt bad for that and I broke it off and it wasn’t long after this that I realised I had developed a crush on her brother. Nothing happened and for a good month I did not tell anybody but eventually I confided in Olly who simply told me that I was probably gay. Initially my first reaction was to deny it but I didn’t say anything and instead thought- I realised he was right and a few days later I officially came out.

I missed Olly, a lot. About a decade ago his parents invested a little bit of money into a friends failing business to help keep them afloat but were instead offered to take over it. At first they refused but eventually the temptation got too much and they agreed to take on the business. It was difficult at first but with clever budgeting techniques and smart deals made with other business people they had skyrocketed. What was initially a business worth around £100,000 had boomed into an empire worth almost £40,000,000. 

Unfortunately, ever since this happened they were required to go abroad a lot and eventually just decided to move to wherever they were going to be in for most of the year. In the last five years Olly had lived in Vancouver, New York City, Dubai, Melbourne, and now he was living in Miami. We very rarely get to see each other but it does mean we have a great excuse to get up to a ridiculous amount of mayhem whenever we are actually together. The bell soon rang telling us we had better begin heading to our next class- which was maths. Bleugh.

My translation for maths is: Mental Abuse to The Human Species.

Quite a fitting name if I do say so myself but then again there are people who love the subject- Olly included. It resulted in a bit of an ongoing joke between all of us which was now pretty much friendly. I was always interested in the artistic and theatrical sides- so I was Drama Queen. Chad had always been interested in anything relating to chemistry of physics- so he became Science Geek. Then there was Olly who excelled in anything numerical- so he was the Mathematical Weirdo. They didn’t start as insults by any means but over time they became a bit like a secret code to the three of us and I didn’t want that to ever change.

I walked with Chad to our classroom and was immediately greeted with a fresh paint smell. They had been redecorating the rooms and a lot of the classrooms were advised to keep the windows open to get rid of the stench but for some reason our teacher was adamant it would be too cold with the windows open. Despite this I took my seat near the back and opened the catch. I didn’t open it a lot, just enough to let some fresh air in so that I could maybe breathe properly without risking introducing toxic fumes into my body.

Chad sat down beside me and eyed the slightly opened window before looking at me. I shrugged my shoulders because I didn’t care, the teacher already hated my guts anyway. Yeah, the stink bomb incident that happened a while ago? With my fucking luck it just so happened to be the new maths teacher who by some fucking miracle I ended up being taught by. I had only meant it as a silly joke and even attempted to spin the whole story of ‘I thought you would like a nice welcoming gift’ but that did not go down well at all- I got given a week of after school detention for my little stunt which I only done attempting to make people laugh.

I felt Chad nudge me lightly in the side and I turned to look at him to see a glint in his eye that I knew all too well. He lived alone because his dad was in prison for supposedly murdering someone (which he didn’t, I was with his dad when the crime supposedly happened so I should know) and his mum was in a mental hospital with schizoaffective disorder- a cross between schizophrenia and bipolar. He also inherited a small fortune himself from his very wealthy grandparents that was left to him in their will so he had been renting a decently sized flat only a ten-minute walk away from Pimlico subway station near the River Thames. I noticed him pointing down to his phone screen and I read the message in question;

Fancy a party at mine tonight?

A small grin pulled at the corners of my lips before I discretely passed the note back to Chad. I didn’t even need to write a reply because he of all people knew that I was generally a bit of a party animal. Although recently if I’m being honest I’ve not been enjoying them as much as I used to. I gave my best friend a stupid look and he sent me a triumphant grin in return. Chad’s parties are always pushing boundaries no matter what and it surprises me how he never gets caught out by police for making so much noise. We couldn’t exactly get pulled over for drinking considering myself and Chad were the legal age but what really can they do? I’m pretty sure every teenager alive has been drunk at one point under the legal age limit.

The whole class was rather boring to put it lightly. I hunched over my desk and pretended that I was taking notes when really I was just doodling on the blank pages. Luckily my teacher almost never came around to make sure we were actually doing our work so I’ve never really been caught out. I could probably fall asleep right now and he still wouldn’t give a toss but I wasn’t going to chance it- there’s only a month left of this hellhole anyway before I go to an actual college to study what I want to study. Those subjects being English, Drama, Music, and Media Studies. Unfortunately for me my school only offered two of those subjects so I had to fill up my options with other things that I hated with a passion.

Whatever, at least I have something to look forward to tonight.

After this boring class was over the rest of the day flew in surprisingly quick. With that we both walked out and towards our respective cars which really weren’t anything special. Chad had an old Ford that he got from a car dealer that has seen more problems than Britney Spears has and mine was just a bog standard Corsa. It doesn’t matter how fancy a car looks anyway, it’s all about whether it does the job or not. I slid into my side and looked around and had to hold my eye roll at seeing Chad speaking to Madison- again. I’ve got to give him a medal for persistence really because he is not giving up in winning over the popular girl.

I sighed a little bit before I began my journey home and since it was a rather nice afternoon I decided to take a longer route than usual. That was a good thing in London- there may be hundreds of shortcuts but at the same time there is hundreds of ways to stall time. I didn’t even have any homework to do this weekend so it meant I more or less had two days off to do whatever the fuck I wanted which was bliss to me. 

I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel in beat to another catchy song on the radio and humming along to myself. Nobody can deny it, everyone has at least one guilty pleasure song. Mine is definitely Mamma Mia and I’m not even ashamed to admit that fact because it’s a bloody tune. I rolled my eyes a little though when the next song came on- a guitar riff I knew completely off by heart thanks to my eldest two sisters. Harry Styles, the current hot thing. Don’t get me wrong here because I don’t hate the guy but I definitely was not a fan of his music. To me, it was basically indie/rock but poppified- that isn’t even a word. I don’t know really. His music was just something I wouldn’t willingly listen to if I could help it. My sisters though, loved his music and continually blasted his album from their speakers to the point that I knew most of the lyrics to his songs.

I came out of my thoughts and soon realised that I was almost home. With this fact I thought about whether or not to stall time so I could have more time to myself before I enter a house full of females. There’s only so much oestrogen that I can handle being the only boy out of five. There really wasn’t much of a point in doing so because either way I was going to have to go home so I may as well just go home right now. My street soon came into my line of vision and I parked my car in the driveway before making my way inside and preparing for my mental countdown for my sisters to jump on me.

3, 2, 1.

“Louis!”

I knew it. Every single day without fail my youngest two sisters always attack me in a similar fashion when I get home from sixth form. A lot of things change as life goes on but some things never change. Before I could run for it I soon felt four arms wrapped around my neck. A large grin broke out on my face now and I made my way into the living room in search for my mum considering my step-dad works away from home a lot. It’s usually only myself, my mum, Lottie, Félicité, Daisy, and Phoebe. I heard a grunt which easily came from my mum and I walked in on her throwing her phone angrily onto the couch and she looked a little bit on the frazzled side. Her fingertips rested onto the temples of her forehead and softly massaged a bit. She just looked at me then at my two sisters who were still dangling from my neck and a small smile came onto her face but I could still tell she was seriously stressed out. I was about to ask her why this was but she had already bet me to it;

“Louis, I’ve been called into work tonight. Plus, the girls have that concert tonight and I can’t afford to get them a taxi to the arena since they’re fully booked- I’ve just checked. Is there any chance you can put whatever plans you have for tonight on hold and take them instead?”

At this, I froze on the spot. I had completely forgot that my sisters were going to the Harry Styles concert tonight at Wembley. I don’t even know how because for the past two months it is all the two of them have talked about practically non-stop. I’ve always preferred small and intimate gigs compared to big fancy shows but I suppose I could sacrifice my dignity for one night. The girls deserve to have some fun for once. I nodded to my mum and with that a huge look of relief washed over her features before hugging me tightly. The youngest two removed their grips from my neck now and ran who-knows-where whilst I removed my phone to call Chad to let him know that I couldn’t make it tonight.

He was a bit upset that I couldn’t make it but he knew that for my siblings I would do pretty much anything. We talked for roughly half an hour before I hung up at seeing the time. My mu told me the actual show started at 9pm but the support acts started at 7:30pm Occasionally the support acts were really quite good so with this thought in mind I ran up to my own bedroom and began tearing apart my wardrobe in search for something decent to wear.


	3. Two.

So many thoughts were running through my mind over the next two hours whilst I was getting ready. With just my luck I have to take my eldest two sisters along to a concert by a singer whose music I am not at all fond of. All of my sisters would have gone but my mum doesn’t feel right in having the youngest two going to a concert no matter who it is with them. They were both certainly very annoyed but mum made it up to them by taking them to Disneyland Paris- that got her back in their good boots again. Two hours may take a long time for a guy to get ready but I’m not the average guy- I like to look decent.

I know that I am rather vain (well, maybe very) but I honestly don’t care. For all I know I could meet a guy tonight even though it was extremely unlikely considering it is mostly young girls who listen to Harry Styles’ music from what I’ve seen online. An hour I had spent solely taking a shower and drying my hair. I frowned deeply as I took in my reflection in the mirror- more specifically the monstrosity my hair was currently. One half was part frizzy and part Mohawk whilst the other side was just sticking out all over the place. I brushed it a few times but grunted after a few seconds had passed at realising nothing was going to happen here. 

I looked around the bathroom before I eyed the gel and cocked my head a little to the side. Normally I have my hair falling in a thick fringe but right now I was seriously considering something different for once. Fuck it. I grabbed the small tub and scooped a tiny amount onto my fingertips and adding a little water so it wasn’t quite as thick. I tugged a little bit on the ends to experiment and twenty minutes later I was finally satisfied with my outward appearance. I had managed to get my hair into some form of quiff which really showed off my facial structure and I didn’t look quite so young anymore. 

I think I’ve just found my new favourite way to wear my hair.

It was not that I took notice that I was only in my boxers so I walked back into my bedroom which was next door to the bathroom. I must have spent roughly another ten minutes flicking through the items in my wardrobe before deciding on black skinny jeans with a rip on one knee along with a plain white t-shirt and a light blue denim jacket. I grabbed my phone before calling across the corridor to the room my eldest two sisters shared which was covered- and I mean covered- in Harry Styles merchandise. It wasn’t long until I got my reply;

“Almost, Félicité’s just lost her shoe!”

At this I shook my head whilst chuckling in amusement. Deep down I knew that the missing show would be somewhere extremely obvious and my sister would feel incredibly stupid that she had not thought of looking there. With this thought in mind I ran down the stairs to see my youngest two sisters playing what appeared to be Just Dance on the Wii in the living room if the silly dance moves were anything to go by. I continued on to the back of the house though despite me desperate to watch the two of them so I could get blackmail material for some time in the future. I had to take them to my grandparents for the night considering by the time the rest of us get back it will easily be at least midnight which is too late for the two of them. 

I could still hear both Lottie and Félicité arguing upstairs which brought an even larger smile to my face as I grabbed my keys along with my phone. Since I knew the missing show had not miraculously made its appearance yet I walked back into the hall intending to get a video of the twins but I was solely disappointed that they had turned the games console off and were now talking about something I couldn’t make out. Daisy pouted her lip at me as if asking me to somehow get them both tickets as well but I didn’t want to face my mum’s wrath at all. That and the fact the tickets already cost £150 in total which was really fucking expensive for a single concert. Then again though, there are singers/bands who charge that for a single ticket never mind for three so I can’t really complain.

I eyed the other jackets on the hook in the main hallway but eventually I decided against it considering it is going to get really hot in the arena and one jacket was enough. I pulled my phone out to check the time to see it was about an hour until the support acts were due on. Just enough time to get there considering traffic is going to be even more a fucking nightmare tonight due to this concert. Eventually my sisters emerged from upstairs and I sighed dramatically before calling the youngest two who proceeded to stomp in annoyance at not being able to attend. Lottie was wearing pale blue skinny jeans with a white crop top- her white hair falling poker straight to the centre of her back. Félicité had gone for a complicated looking braid on the top layer of her hair with the rest in beach waves- wearing shorts and a regular t-shirt. 

I looked down and shook my head before asking my sister where the missing shoe was. She blushed madly before stating that she must have accidentally kicked it underneath her bed and this caused me to snort in amusement. How did I know it would be somewhere obvious? Oh yeah, because she is almost always losing things and they turn out to be somewhere stupid. I had gotten the shoes custom designed for both her and Lottie last Christmas and let me tell you they cost a bloody fortune but seeing the way their faces lit up when they opened them had made it money well spent. They were red but on the toe cap they had some diamantes and the canvas on the boot had all of our names printed onto them. I never had told them how much they actually cost because I knew they would feel horrible that I spent that kind of money on them (for information, they cost £350 in total).

Soon, the five of us had all bundled into my car. I rolled my eyes though when Lottie reached over and what a bloody surprise, she put his album in the CD player. I’m doing this for the girls, I can give up my dignity for tonight. I kept repeating that in my mind as all of my sisters sang along rather obnoxiously to the songs. I had soon dropped the youngest two off who immediately started sulking again but their frowns turned into grins when my grandmother told them she had baked cakes earlier and they could have some. I gave them both a hug before making my way towards Wembley once again. We only lived half an hour away from the arena in question which I suppose was quite handy when it comes to going to concerts. Within the next five minutes though I had to stop with all the traffic and the fourth time it happened in a short time period I grunted in annoyance. I caught Lottie giving Félicité a sly look out of my peripheral vision before saying;

“Brother, please keep your perverted gay thoughts to yourself please.”

At this I scrunched my face up in a mixture of annoyance and amusement whilst Félicité immediately broke down into hysterical laughter at my expense. I quickly shot my white haired sister a look before focusing on the road once more.

“Excuse me little miss sarcasm, is my sexuality a problem to you?”

I deliberately put on a posher accent which might I had backfired massively on me but neither of them seemed to mind as soon we were all laughing at each other. We have a strange relationship with each other but I wasn’t going to complain. There are so many people I know who absolutely despise their siblings. The traffic was steadily getting even more worse than it was previously the closer we got and it was really beginning to get on my nerves. What little patience I had slowly whittling away inside of me as every single moment passed. To pass the time the sexual jokes between us continued which worked until we reached another fucking traffic light.

“Girls, next time I take you both to a concert, we are leaving earlier. I’m not putting up with this bullshit again, ok?”

They both nodded, their faces now holding very similar irritated looks to my own. After another twenty minutes I had soon pulled into the main car park and by some miracle managed to find a parking space. I sighed in relief now because if I had to wait any longer in traffic I would have gone bloody insane. I looked around to take in my surroundings and my eyes widened at the fact that there were a few teenager boys around, at least I wasn’t alone. I marched the girls over now making sure to keep them close to me as I did not want to let either of them out of my sight to the merchandise stand. They didn’t even need it, I’m pretty sure they have almost everything already but they both bought a t-shirt before I handed our tickets over to get scanned. We managed to find out seats relatively quickly with the help of a guy who worked here and much to my surprise we were only twenty or so rows from the front- we could see the stage perfectly fine. However, as I looked around I realised I stood out like a sore thumb among all the girls surrounding me.

We had missed one of the support acts as they were on really early but we managed to catch the second band. I didn’t quite catch their name but I could simply look it up online later as I quite liked their music. It was beginning to get warm in here so with that thought in mind I removed my denim jacket so I was only in my t-shirt. I also didn’t fail to feel a few gazes on me and I heard a girl giggling about how hot ‘the guy in the white top is’. I blushed madly at that and looked in the direction the voice had come from only to see a girl giving me the infamous look. I had to force myself not to vomit and just kept my mouth shut as I looked towards the stage again. I heard a huff of annoyance but luckily she didn’t say anything because I was in no mood to get into a homophobic argument with someone right now. 

The support band went backstage not long after and I pulled out my phone to play some games to pass the time. I made sure to put it onto silent and turned off every alarm however. I might not want to be here exactly but I know how fucking annoying it is when a phone goes off during a concert. I got a little too occupied with my game so when a loud scream echoed throughout the arena I jumped in fright causing my sisters to laugh hysterically at me once again. I quickly stowed my phone away and leaned back, counting along with the countdown on the screens. Pretty soon there was a bang and a cloud of smoke appeared in the centre of the stage.

It faded away after a few seconds, the outline of a guitar being the first thing I noticed. Then I noticed the height of the person and my eyes widened in surprise. It was pretty obvious that he was at least five feet ten inches tall. Then a curly head appeared with what seemed to be a scarf of some kind tied into it in order to keep it from their face. A few seconds later, Harry Styles himself stepped out of the cloud of smoke. The scream got even louder if that was even possible but I stayed rather quiet. I observed the way his eyes wandered around the arena in amazement- I could guess why though. It must be a truly incredible feeling to stand on a stage doing something you love in front of so many people. A broad smile formed on his face before he soon erupted into a heavy guitar riff which completely took me by surprise. 

I always assumed he had someone else do the lead guitar chords on his music but it was clear as day now that was certainly not the case. His fingers easily transitioned from chord to chord and fret to fret and not seeming to stiffen in the slightest. I was too mesmerised in the expert guitar playing to notice he had started singing. Ok I’m not even going to deny it as it was pretty obvious that he was an extremely talented musician. His voice was rather husky and had a slight rock tone to it- a very unique combination in my opinion. He was easily reaching the high notes and the low notes. Despite my previous thoughts, I found myself beginning to actually enjoy the concert. I wasn’t completely into it like most other people here, but I could certainly put up with it without complaint. He finished the song and spoke a little bit whilst scanning the crowd. Numerous screams were heard from the areas he was looking and ouch, I’ll be surprised if my ears aren’t bleeding by the end of this.

Roughly two hours had passed since then, and finally the concert had stopped. If I had counted correctly, there had been six encore songs which was a new one for me. Every concert I’ve ever been to haven’t ever done more than three. I linked hands with my sisters once more so I wouldn’t lose them on the way out because that wouldn’t go down well with my mum. I caught Félicité fanning herself in a futile attempt to cool down from the intense heat in here so I pulled out a £10 note and pointed to the vending machine, telling them to get something to drink.

As they waited in the small queue I walked a few metres down so I could finally relieve my bladder. By the time I had finished doing my business, the majority of people inside the arena had left. It was hard to believe that a few minutes ago this place was filled with ten thousand people. I spotted Lottie by the vending machine and she kept glancing at a door nervously but fear set in as I realised that Félicité was not with her. My eyes trailed to the door she was looking at and it suddenly sunk in- backstage. 

“Where is Félicité, Lottie?”

I asked her a little bit frantically as the panic began to sink in for me. This was not supposed to happen, oh my fucking god. How are we going to get in there? More importantly, how the fuck did she manage to sneak in without a backstage pass?! I noticed that she was also freaking out just as much as I was but she soon replied to my answer;

“She told me she was going to get a hotdog whilst I got a drink. I saw her heading towards the food court but she turned around and before I could do anything she managed to sneak past the two guards who were distracted with something.”

I rolled my eyes before shutting them trying to hold in my major annoyance and anger at my second oldest sister currently. I took hold of Lottie’s hand and stormed over to the remaining guard standing at the backstage entrance. I assumed he was a security guard of some kind and he looked me up and down before holding out his hand expectantly.

“I don’t have any fancy tickets, but it appears my idiotic eleven-year-old sister managed to sneak backstage, can I please get by so that I can go and look for her?”

He snorted a little bit and shook his head in the negative. Even though I knew it was his job I was still getting increasingly more annoyed as the seconds ticked by. I began tapping my foot impatiently before retorting;

“Look mister, I’m not leaving this arena until I find my sister. So fucking let me in or I will barge past.”

His expression turned to amused at the thought and I cursed silently at my choice of words. I was bloody tiny to him- he looked like a bloody body builder so there was no way in hell was I getting past him. 

“How do I know you aren’t just saying that so your other sister can get in?”

I closed my eyes ow in an attempt to hide how angry I was getting. She was in a fuck lot of trouble right now. I was about to attempt to push past when I heard a different voice from further down the corridor;

“Chris, it’s alright. Can you not see they are both freaking out right now? Plus, I saw a girl sneak in a few minutes ago.”

At this I sighed in huge relief at the mysterious stranger. I wasn’t entirely sure who it was, but the fact he had seen her sneak backstage confirmed what I was trying to tell this security guard- Chris. He huffed in annoyance and reluctantly let us past, my eyes widened and my mouth dropped open at who was standing there. Surely not. Of all people that could have seen someone sneak backstage it had to be Harry Styles himself. I heard Lottie breathing sharply beside me but she managed to control her inner fangirl for the most part. I looked at Harry and smiled in a mixture of relief and appreciation.

“She seemed around twelve, elbow length medium brown hair? Wearing a white top and shorts?”

I nodded vigorously at this, it was her alright he had seen. The security guard stepped aside now and let us both inside. Harry walked over to us and I gulped a little at just how tall her actually was. However, now that I was so close to him- I really took notice of how good looking he was. He smiled a little and beckoned us to follow him down the corridor. Lottie was still freaking out a little bit out of what I assumed to be concern for Félicité, and the fact she was standing in front of someone very famous whom she idolised. He opened a door and gestured us to go inside and my eyes widened at seeing it was his dressing room. He whistled to catch the attention of some workers before asking me if I had a picture on my phone of my missing sister. Eventually I found one that really showed her face before handing it over to them so they could memorise her.

“She snuck backstage and these two are worried sick, can you try and find her?”

They nodded and all went in separate directions. Harry turned around again and sat down on the couch in front of us, giving us both a look of sympathy. I couldn’t say anything though as Lottie had soon gotten up and tackled him instantly into a bear hug, I heard him squeak a little in surprise at the unexpected affection being directed at him currently.

“Hey there it’s alright, you must be the other sister then?”

She nodded and it was obvious to me that she was still trying to stop herself from freaking out. She started babbling a whole lot of nonsense which got me chuckling a bit and causing Harry to look at me awkwardly as if silently asking me if this was normal behaviour for her or not. I just shook my head in amusement and after a few minutes of him talking to her she eventually calmed down and realised that he was just an ordinary person. 

“Yeah sister, I don’t feel awkward sitting here myself at all right now.”

She shot me a look and replied just as sarcastically;

“Well excuse me Mr. I’m so important because I took you here tonight.”

I started laughing in amusement instantly at her response- she’s learning alright. A deep chuckle also joined in at our miniature sarcastic exchange before reaching his hand out for me to shake.

“I take it you are their brother?”

I nodded and rolled my eyes at all the trouble my little sister was causing people right now.

“Sorry about all of this, I sent them to get something to drink whilst I went to the toilet. I didn’t notice her slipping away.”

It wasn’t very long until we were all chatting. Despite me knowing Harry was very famous it was difficult for me to believe that this dorky guy was who all those girls (possibly some guys for all I know) were screaming over. I was also finding it difficult to believe that we were currently sitting in his dressing room and he was willingly helping me find my MIA sister. I realised just how genuine a person he actually was. Our conversation was abruptly shortened when the door opened and there stood my sister who was looking extremely sheepish.

“Félicité Grace Tomlinson! What do you think you are playing at missy?!”

I couldn’t even hide my anger right now with her, she knew that she had worried us both sick with that little stunt she just pulled. I softened up when I noticed how upset she actually was and I opened my arms for her to run into my embrace. I rubbed her back softly to remind her that everything was alright and also wordlessly telling her to never attempt something like this ever again. I thanked the people who helped find her along with Harry considering it was him who let us backstage in the first place. It turns out she had managed to find Harry’s stylists room and was hiding behind a clothes rack of all things. Harry reached his hand out once again to shake my hand which I gratefully did. However, I felt him slip something into my pocket when I turned around but I didn’t react to stop suspicion from onlookers.

With that we all left the arena, and an hour later of dodging London traffic we were soon back home. It was almost 1am by now, all the streetlights glowing that strange copper/orange shade and ominously lighting up the street in the process. I walked into my room and removed my jacket to hang on the back of my door but I furrowed my eyebrows at seeing a piece of paper flutter to the ground. Curiously I chucked my jacket on the door and leaned down to pick it up and I felt my eyes widened as I read what it said.

Call me? – Harry.  
07#########.

Oh my fucking god. Harry Styles had just given me his fucking number and he wanted to keep in contact with me.


	4. Three.

There hasn’t ever really been a time in my life where it has felt like no time has passed at all but at the same time felt like a year had passed. Well, the last week had certainly lived up to this. Thinking back to what has been going on in the last week makes me think it has gone extremely quickly but when everything was happening it had seemed to go by quicker than the blink of an eye. Obviously the weirdest thing that happened was getting Harry Styles’ phone number because face it, celebrities almost never give out their personal numbers so I’m considering myself incredibly lucky right now and I was not going to abuse that privilege. I was excited however because Olly was due here as his parents were working over here for the month and he was coming to stay here with me whilst his parents simply went to a hotel.

I haven’t seen him in quite a long time- well, in person anyway. Skype is really good but looking at someone who is like a brother to me on a screen is nowhere near the same as seeing him in the flesh. Although, numerous pranks were already circling inside my mind. He was weird however considering he for some insane reason had decided he was going to attend some of my classes. Ever since their family business took off he had been enrolled into online schooling considering there isn’t a point moving from school to school as often as he moved from country to country. I looked around before my eyes landed on my phone and I felt a bit of bile rise in the back of my throat.

I hadn’t text Harry yet never mind called him. In fact, I hadn’t even saved his number into my phone yet because a part of me was still thinking it was all just a scam of some sort and nothing was going to come of it. I had ripped the piece of paper the number was written on and I had stored it inside my phone case so that my sisters couldn’t see it. For some reason I was scared and I’m not sure what. Probably because getting a new number a lot of the time leads to getting a new close friend or even getting a relationship. I wouldn’t mind having another close friend but the other option was what terrified me the most I realised.

At least I had a reason for that.

It all happened a year ago, when someone I had loved dearly ripped my heart out of my chest and ripped it up into tiny pieces and putting it back in its original place. That’s a very dramatic way to put it but that is what it felt like at the time and I still think about it occasionally. I always tried my best not to think about what happened but at the same time there was mental abuse done and that was now there. Just because there isn’t a physical scar does not mean there isn’t a scar. A lot of people don’t realise that and automatically assume a person is perfectly okay with themselves. To put it simply, I had been dating a guy who was rather popular in my school and after exactly a year of being together I agreed to give him my virginity. I certainly got a huge shock when I walked into school on the Monday after only to find him bragging to his friends and demanding the money he was owed. I was basically just a fucking bet and surprisingly it wasn’t this that disgusted me the most. It was when he admitted to his friends that he had had a numerous string of hook-ups the whole year we were together.

I screwed my eyes shut, willing my mind to not repeat that horrible memory and I grabbed my phone and carefully slid the piece of paper out from the back. I had only hidden it for one reason and that was because I didn’t want to accidentally leak his number. It probably already happens a lot to him anyway but it must be a pain in the fucking arse constantly having to change something as simple as a phone number. Despite it being mid-day I had no school. Well technically I did but I didn’t have any classes on so there wasn’t a point in going at all. I’d rather sit at home and do jack shit than go to school and do jack shit. Because of what day it was the girls were all at school and my parents were both at work. It was eerily quiet but this was going to change very soon when my best friend finally finds his way here. Whether it was sheer coincidence or just timing I soon heard a knock on the door. I was practically bouncing on the balls of my feet as I ran down the stairs and pulled the door open so quickly I’m surprised it didn’t come off of the hinges before leaping forward to attack Olly into a tight hug.

“Get off of me you bloody idiot.”

Hearing his voice after so long was really strange although it still made me chuckle at how mixed it was. I felt like annoying him more though and didn’t let him out of the embrace. Despite him being incredibly irritated with my sudden affection towards him I could tell he was just as happy to see me again in person. Eventually, he laughed and reciprocated the brotherly hug. It sucks a lot, having to live thousands of miles away from someone who may as well be my brother. He can’t really complain too much though because he gets to travel the world more or less completely free of charge. There are millions of people who wish they could do that but cannot because of the financial expenses. 

Eventually I managed to pull away from the hug and stood aside so he could come in. He instantly kicked off his shoes and pulled his coat off to hang it on the rack on the wall. My eyes bulged as I took in his rather noticeable physical changes. His arms very toned and the muscles all separately defined underneath his tanned skin from living in a city that has really warm weather. A couple of small tattoos adorning his skin but nothing huge. Maybe I could ask him if they mean anything one day. Personally, I would never get something permanently etched onto my skin if it did not mean something to me. I only realised that I had been staring when he chuckled a little bit.

“Still as pale as a milk bottle my dear friend?”

Almost instantly, my facial expression went from really happy to extremely irritated. This only caused Olly to break down into hysterical laughter. Even though I tried my best to evade it, laughter is contagious and I had soon joined in. I really missed this guy. At some point we had walked into the living room and he wasted no time whatsoever in claiming the couch. The only thing was he was very long and his legs dangled at an awkward angle comically off of the side. I shook my head in amusement before sitting down on the other couch and attempting to repeat his actions but that wasn’t happening considering I wasn’t that tall. This only caused him to laugh even more.

It really was ridiculous how often the guy laughed, and I mean it. To be honest, it wouldn’t surprise me if he laughed during a zombie apocalypse if it ever happened. He just has this very out-there personality and no matter how much you tried, he was impossible to dislike. Yes, he was annoying as fuck but if anyone dislikes him I have yet to meet them. Not that it would bother him though considering he doesn’t give two fucks for people who have nasty comments to make concerning him. I admired him for this.

It was only now that I realised I was still holding the tiny piece of paper containing Harry’s number. I made sure Olly was not looking before slipping it back into my phone case out of sight. I honestly had no idea whether to follow through with calling or texting Harry; I know that he is extremely busy. I shook my head in an attempt to distract myself from these thoughts. I picked up the remote and turned the television on searching for something to watch. After a few minutes however it was pretty obvious that there wasn’t anything worth watching. I pondered over what to do before eventually turning to Olly with a sly smirk on my face.

“Fancy a Harry Potter marathon?”

A large grin took up his face and I took this sign as a definite yes. With this I got up from my comfy position and walked over to the cabinet in search for the first movie. Once I found it I slid it into the DVD player before resuming the same exact position on the couch. The girls weren’t due home for another three hours so that should be enough time to watch the first film. I hadn’t even hit the play button before I caught Olly giving me a quizzical glance which caused me to return a confused look on his behalf. Why was he looking at me like that?

“Why is there a piece of paper sticking out of your phone case Louis?”

I paused what I was doing whilst silently cursing myself for not checking to see if it was completely hidden. I threw the remote on the ground before turning around so I was sitting normally on the crushed velvet material and soon my cheeks had stained a cherry red in remembrance over what happened a week ago. The worst thing about the situation was that I was a terrible liar, and Olly knew this. I stayed silent trying to think over what it was exactly that I wanted to say. How exactly does someone go about saying that their sister snuck backstage to a concert and somewhere along the line getting a singer’s phone number? I had no idea how to tell him but I knew that I could trust him.

“I uh, I got a guy’s number last week.”

The second those words left my lips I cursed myself for stumbling over them slightly. At the same time my best friend’s eyes bulged and he instantly began wiggling his eyebrows at me in a suggestive manner which I easily countered with a disgusted look. There was no way in hell that I was looking for a relationship any time soon. I wasn’t ready for it. 

“So, what’s the lucky guy’s name then?”

He raised his eyebrows even higher than they were originally which made me consider him not being human. They were so far up his forehead that they looked like those eyebrows you see on cartoon characters. He just sat there giving me a look which was pretty much screaming that he was not leaving until he got the entire story. I looked down and started knotting my fingers within each other before muttering barely audible;

“Harry Styles.”

Silence.

That was all that followed. I heard him take a deep breath in shock at that. I knew why though; after all it most certainly wasn’t an everyday thing to get a celebrity’s phone number- much less a celebrity who wants to meet up with you and get to know you. At this I frowned a little, why did he want to get to know me of all people? I’m nothing special and just plain boring. He associates most likely with other multi-millionaires; why would he waste time on a working class kid?

“How the fuck did you get his number, Louis?”

At this, I sighed as I pondered over my answer to the question. I crossed my legs and leaned back into the cushions and closed my eyes a little. There was no way I could word it differently other than just telling him outright what exactly it was that happened.

“Lottie and Félicité had tickets to his concert last week. My mum was going to take them but she got called in to work nightshift so instead I took them. Afterwards I went to the toilet whilst the girls went to get something to eat and drink. However, a little brown haired daredevil decided she was going to sneak backstage and she succeeded in her mission. So, I marched over with Lottie and had a bit of an argument with a security guard but as it turns out Harry himself heard the entire exchange and by some miracle saw her sneaking past. He sent people to look for her and during so he let myself and Lottie into his dressing room and we got talking. Once my MIA sister was found we were on our way and I felt him slip this into my pocket.”

I removed the tiny slip and handed it over to him. I knew he wouldn’t memorise the number nor would he copy it down. He just wasn’t like that. He was still shaking his head in disbelief but it is bizarre. I mean, the guy probably has Beyoncé’s number in his phone for all I know. Olly eventually tore his gaze away from the paper to look at me once more.

“Did you follow through?”

I shook my head in the negative.

“Not yet at least. I don’t know what to do Olly; I mean this isn’t an everyday thing that happens. He’s probably forgotten about me by now anyway- “

He snorted at this and gave me a stupid look before retorting;

“Forgotten about you? Louis, I don’t think that it is possible for anyone to forget your idiotic personality. You obviously left some sort of impression on him if he gave you his number.”

That shut me up. For once I did not have a single comeback- which in itself was a massive shock and was not normal. I almost always have something to spit back with but what Olly had just said silenced me completely. He was right- as always. I hate to admit it but he is almost always right, which I hated big time. Harry wouldn’t have given me his number if I didn’t make some sort of impression on him, perhaps he was wondering how the girls were.

“Well what are you waiting for then you fucking idiot? Text him right now!”

I snapped out of my small daydream and looked at Olly once again. He laughed at my slightly dazed state currently. How long had he been talking for? I sighed heavily and held my hand out- he gave me the sheet of paper back and I picked my phone up. Slowly I typed in the number and saved it in my contacts.

“Olly, what do I say- “

“For fuck sake Louis, it sounds like you have a serious crush on him with all of these questions.”

With that remark I picked up a cushion before launching it at his head which knocked him slightly off balance. That’s what he gets though, karma is a bitch at the best of times. It made me think though, and why was I asking so many questions? I had gotten multiple people’s numbers on nights out often, so why was I freaking out so much over one number in particular? Before I could think any different I had hit send after typing out the most obvious thing.

[To: Popstar]  
Hey, we met backstage about a week ago? After my sister stupidly snuck backstage in an attempt to meet you.

It was basic, but I knew he might freak out if I typed something else otherwise he could consider me being a stalker. I shook my head from side to side in shock still at all of this. I remembered our abandoned movie and finally hit the play button, Olly and I resuming our initial positions on the two couches we had occupied. After roughly twenty minutes had passed I heard the small ‘ding’ from my phone alerting me that I had a text. I slid it out rather hesitantly before opening my messages. My eyes bulged immediately.

[From: Popstar]  
I remember alright. Chris is still in denial over the fact that she managed to sneak passed him without him realising. I was starting to think you might have not gotten my number, or you would not message me.

Olly gave me another suggestive look which I returned with a glare. I ignored the noises he was making before typing out my response.

[To: Popstar]  
Yeah, sorry about that. It isn’t every day that you get someone who is famous’ number after all.

Only a few seconds had passed before my phone dinged again. By now Olly knew exactly what was going on and he was wiggling his eyebrows once more. I gave him my middle finger in a not-so-discrete manner before looking to my phone once again.

[From: Popstar]  
I understand. You’re probably wondering why I gave you my number in the first place, truthfully I found you quite funny and it was entertaining when you were arguing with Chris I have to say. Would you maybe want to meet up sometime and get to properly know each other?

I gasped as I read this. He actually wanted to get to know me? Why me of all people? I’m just a kid in school and he is a rich as fuck singer who has millions of girls falling at his feet everywhere he goes. I looked at Olly once again in shock before saying;

“He wants to meet up Olly, what do I say to that?!”

He laughed again at the frantic tone in my voice like it were the end of the world. He tilted his head and gave me a stupid look as if the answer was obvious.

“Fucking hell Louis, what has gotten into you? You’re always up for making new friends. And who knows, he might be the man of your dreams.”

I rolled my eyes at that statement before retorting back;

“I highly doubt he is gay or bisexual or anything like that. I mean the guy sings about falling in love and all of this cheesy shit that young girls literally melt for.”

He shook his head and held his arms up in a surrender pose.

“It is up to you mate, if you want to meet him then I am not going to stop you.”

I bit my tongue before glancing at my phone screen. A few minutes had now passed since the last text was sent- he was probably wondering why I was taking so long to answer. I sighed loud- get a grip of yourself Louis. Olly was right, I was acting extremely weird on the matter. 

[To: Popstar]  
Sure, where do you want to meet up?

I hit send before I could think twice over the matter. I glanced at the television once again and my eyes widened as the scene with the troll was already on- I glanced at the clock and sighed in annoyance. Time had gone by very quickly and the girls were due home very soon. Don’t get me wrong I love my sisters to pieces, but being the only boy out of five does suck. I jumped at hearing my phone ding again.

[From: Popstar]  
I’ll send my driver to get you; I don’t think it would be a very wise idea for me to come to your place or us meeting somewhere public for privacy reasons. I suppose we could meet at my place if that is alright with you?

I thought about it for a few seconds before silently nodding to myself even though he couldn’t see me. 

[To: Popstar]  
That’s fine, I completely understand. I don’t really fancy seeing a load of bullshit rumours going around.

I nodded in Olly’s direction and he gave me a triumphant smile in return. I groaned once more- at times I wonder why I am friends with Olly in the first place. Oh yeah, because our mum’s went to university together and grew us up together as a result.

[From: Popstar]  
Ok then, what’s your address? Is say around, 1pm a good time for you? I’m recording in the morning.

Now this surprised me. Why was he recording whilst he was on tour? Would it not be best to wait until he is not on tour before recording? Or were these just a few one-off shows? Maybe I could ask him that. I quickly text him my address before replying one last time.

[To: Popstar]  
1pm is fine. I’ll see you tomorrow then Harry.”

Only a few seconds had passed before I got my reply.

[From: Popstar]  
I’ll see you tomorrow then Louis, have a good day.


	5. Four.

I’ve never really been a person to get nervous, so the feeling was very foreign to me. Not even the times when I was in school plays in front of a lot of people did I ever get nervous to the point that I felt sick. Instead the nerves at that time simply felt like a huge build-up of adrenaline. Right now, this was not the case. I could feel my stomach twisting very uncomfortably and my mouth continually went dry of saliva and it worried me a little bit. I don’t even know why I was nervous, after all I had met Harry once before and he seemed genuine enough. Then again though, that could just be a façade and not real. I didn’t want to overthink into it too much and instead spent the two hours until a car was arriving to collect me in making sure I was somewhat presentable. I’ve always taken pride in my appearance which may make me look like one of those guys who plays numerous people but this couldn’t be further from the truth. I was insecure, like most other teenagers and I wasn’t afraid to admit to that fact.

Not enough people have the courage to admit that there is no such thing as a perfect human being. Even if they are beautiful on the outside they could be ugly on the inside and vice versa. It is very rare that a person is both of these and perhaps this was why I was so nervous about spending the day with Harry. He is either portrayed as someone who is incredibly mean or he is portrayed as a clumsy and kind person. No in-between. Therefore, I genuinely have no idea what the real Harry is like and I normally like to get to know a person thoroughly before becoming firm friends. This again branched off of the fact that I was insecure which I haven’t always been- or not to the same extent anyway. 

My grades weren’t exactly great for one. I did pass everything but it was barely but I suppose that is better than failing constantly. I’ve never been a person who can just sit down and study, ninety percent of the time I just procrastinate and then regret it just as I am about to fall asleep at night. I wasn’t tall either but I guess at the same time I wasn’t short either. I was more of the average height but I still felt tiny compared to a lot of people I knew- Chad and Olly both included with their six-foot-whatever builds. I do wish I was at least an inch taller but I suppose then I would want to be another inch taller and it would become an unhealthy obsession. Nobody is ever completely confident about themselves so there is no point in pondering over what might be. I’d never managed to hold down a job either- I’ve had three in the past year alone and all of them I got fired within a month. A sudden ding caught my attention and was enough to bring me out of my small reverie. I grabbed my phone to see that I had a text which I opened to read.

[From: Popstar]  
Hello Louis, my driver left not long ago, so he should be arriving soon.

I nodded a bit at this and took a deep breath in a rather feeble attempt to calm my nerves down even though it wasn’t helping in the slightest. I quickly fixed my hair and made sure that I looked somewhat presentable before stuffing my phone into my jeans pocket and jogging downstairs to meet my mum. She gave me a bit of a strange look at my attire and just as I was about to go outside she stopped me.

“Where are you going, Louis? Are you meeting up with Chad?”

I shook my head in the negative and before she could question me any further I said back;

“I’m meeting up with a new friend, I’ll be back in time for dinner though don’t worry mum.”

I only added the last part on as I knew she would ask me that. I also didn’t want to worry her because she’s always been really protective of me considering I’m her only boy and I was her first child. She raised a questionable eyebrow in my direction but let it go thankfully. She knew that I liked meeting new people so it wasn’t out of the ordinary. Much like my sisters, I had also not told my mum about the entire thing yet. For all I know Harry and I might not even get along that well, I just didn’t feel the need to tell people yet. A loud car honk caught my attention and I quickly pulled my mum into a hug before running outside. My eyes widened a little as I took in the black Mercedes van which also had blacked out windows.

I furrowed my brows a little bit as the back window began to roll down. I sighed in huge relief at seeing a few brown curls escape the glass to let me know that it was Harry and not a complete stranger. My nerves returned once more but I willed myself to not look quite so weirded out by everything. I waved to my mum who was eyeing the strange car with apprehension but that was understandable. I slid into the back and closed the door, sighing in contentment as the heat tangled around my body. I turned a little to my right and smiled at Harry, and he returned the exact same smile. My eyes trailed him up and down and nodded mentally- he certainly lived up to his name in the style sense. I realised now that we were moving, my street no longer in sight.

“Sorry about that, my house is probably tiny compared to what you’ve seen.”

At this statement, he chuckled which soon turned into a laugh. This then prompted a similar laugh from the driver who I couldn’t see considering there was a screen separating the back seats from the front seats. Although if I’m being completely honest it sounded more like a bark and a small grin formed on my face at the entire exchange. Harry turned to face me and said quietly as he was still chuckling a little bit under his breath;

“I may have seen a fair number of mansions, but your house is lovely Louis. It’s bigger than my place anyway since I live in a flat.”

At this my eyes widened. Whether or not it is true I’m not sure but he is speculated to be worth a minimum of £40,000,000 and with that kind of number I would have expected him to have a large mansion in the middle of Kensington or Mayfair. Perhaps I should stop judging celebrities then with whatever I expect their lives to be like. On the way we made small talk which consisted a little bit of everything. I was surprised that we didn’t seem to run out of topics to discuss and we had an awful lot in common. Within a few minutes of knowing each other we were arguing whether DC or Marvel was better- which again caused the driver to let out another barking laugh which set us off once again.

Once I caught my breath again I leaned my head against the blacked out window and watched the streets of London fly past us, and at all of the people simply wandering around their everyday lives. It probably was a good thing that the windows of this car were tinted as that meant nobody could look in. Which meant there was a very small chance of us being seen. I wasn’t exactly in the mood to have my face plastered all over tabloids currently.

We chatted the rest of the journey, just getting to know each other a little more. I suddenly realised just how normal he actually was. Normally any articles I ever see concerning a celebrity is either they are sex addicts, conceited, alcoholics, or drug addicts. It was clear as day that Harry fit into neither of these categories. In fact, if I didn’t know he was a singer I would assume he was a student or something with just how laid back he was about everything. During our talk I had also come to learn that he was almost exactly six weeks younger than me and that he lived alone with a cat. This fact made me chuckle a little bit because of course he would have a cat. Roughly ten more minutes passed before we had pulled up into a street with three different flat complexes which was gated off. 

A password was entered and soon he had stopped the car directly outside of the middle one. I furrowed my brows a little but understood my cue and slid out of the car with Harry following close behind. I sniggered a little to myself as I watched him trying to figure out what pocket his keys were in but he soon found which one and opened the main door. Was this really where Harry lived? These flats looked tiny. Once we were inside however this view changed as I took in the grandeur of the place. It was a nice fancy though; not overdone in the slightest. It just had a very homely feel to it which was surprisingly welcoming. I followed him up the stairs which were made of a dark wood (perhaps mahogany?) and was coated with a pale grey carpet. The walls were all painted in a slightly off-white colour yet not quite cream. Once we were on the third floor, I noticed there were only two doors, so it must be one of these flats that he lives in.

He walked across the landing and slid the key in and opened it, my eyes almost immediately widening at how large the flat actually was. Compared to how tiny it looked on the outside was really quite crazy and it made me realise if each floor possibly had different sizes. As in the ground floor has one bedroom, first floor has two, etcetera. Whether or not this theory was correct I’m not entirely sure but either way I wasn’t going to complain. I soon walked inside and kicked my shoes off then proceeded to hang my coat on the hanger next to the door. Well this was certainly a surprise. It wasn’t big at all like Harry had already told me but it was definitely still slightly larger than the average-sized flat in London. 

Harry then proceeded to give me a quick tour around the place, and I instantly fell in love. The décor was simple enough that it was just a nice touch. He had three bedrooms although one he had turned into a music room which I already knew I was going to ask him about. There was a very large open planned kitchen/living room which sported an impressive fifty-inch plasma television on the wall. The best part in my opinion however was that he had a fucking Jacuzzi in his bathroom. Maybe I could play this to my advantage…

Actually, no I won’t do that. I would never use someone to get access to something. Overall, I was rather impressed with his home. We both sat down on the couches and he cocked an eyebrow up at me and asked me if I wanted to play Fifa with him. At this I grinned and helped him set the game console up. It was now that I felt something rub against my leg which made me jump but I soon got my answer at spotting a black and white cat curled around my feet. Harry was laughing at my reaction and I gave him a bit of an evil glare for it even though I didn’t actually mean it. I knelt down to tickle the cats fur before slouching down on the couch again with the controller in hand. After a rather simple game I sent Harry a cocky smirk considering I had won 3-1 and he scowled in annoyance which only amused me massively. Just as he stood up to put the television back onto its normal settings a question came to mind;

“How many instruments is it you play? Could I see them?”

He nodded at this and beckoned me to follow him into the hall once more. I was a little bit excited now, I’m not going to lie. After all, many people would probably pay thousands to see his instruments yet here I was getting to see them with my own eyes free of charge. I soon noticed we were both standing in a room which had two leather office chairs along with three computer monitors which were on. One had what appeared to be a digital studio, another with sheet music, and the other appeared to be full of lyrics. I guess he writes his own songs then, if not all then the majority. I looked around and my mouth fell open at the number of guitars that were hung on the walls and I thought back to the concert a week ago and my initial shock at the numerous complicated riffs he was playing as if they were second nature. We both took a chair each and he crossed one leg over the other so his right ankle was rested on his left knee.

“Well, as you can see I play guitar. You probably noticed that at the concert. I also play bass and a little bit of piano although I only know a couple of songs.”

At this I nodded and tried to hide the impressed look from coming onto my face at this information. Very few singers nowadays actually play instruments themselves.

“I play piano quite well myself actually, haven’t played for a good year though. I also play a little bit of guitar as well.”

At this he smiled before saying;

“Perhaps we could teach each other then, or at least attempt to.”

I chuckled softly at this as I had already told him on the way here how bad I was at learning something. My eyes glanced around the room and counting the guitars as I went- there was six in total. I gave him a bit of a funny look because surely one person doesn’t need this many guitars. He seemed to understand exactly what it was I was asking because he removed one from the wall and randomly plucked the strings a bit, adjusting the tightness just slightly.

“Nylon acoustic.”

I nodded and he played a few chords so I knew how it sounded. Next he picked up another which looked pretty similar except the strings looked a lot sturdier.

“Steel acoustic. If you listen closely you’ll hear a slight difference in their sound.”

I stayed quiet as he played the exact same few chords. I hummed in acknowledgement once I realised what it was he meant about them sounding slightly different. He picked up another which I actually recognised.

“This was the one you had at your concert last week, isn’t it?”

He nodded to confirm my suspicions and strummed the instrument a little bit.

“My electric, I have another electric as well but I like to switch between them.”

It surprised me a little how such a tiny difference on an instrument could make it sound so different. I hadn’t noticed any of this before and I had certainly never heard any of my music teachers telling me things like this in my classes. With piano, there really isn’t much that can be done in order to change the sound slightly. Finally, he picked another one up which looked like another electric but again the strings were different.

“Six stringed bass. These aren’t easy to come by but for me it is easier to play because I’m used to six strings instead of four. I do have a four stringed bass but right now it’s getting fixed since there was a large chip in it- still not found out where that came from. Although I strongly suspect that my brother had something to do with that- “

“You’ve got a brother?”

I cut him off rather sharply and he nodded to confirm this. He’s never mentioned having a brother before nor is there anything online about him having a brother (I may or may not have googled him last night, ok I did do it). He had a weird look in his eyes that I couldn’t pinpoint but I didn’t want to freak him out in any way so I was about to drop the subject but he bet me to it;

“Well, technically I’m his adopted brother but we’re really close.”

Wait, so he was adopted? This was certainly new information for me because I really wouldn’t have expected that. Why was he adopted? I looked at his face and immediately decided against asking him that question as I can see it is a very touchy subject for him and that is perfectly understandable. I glanced at the other two guitars which were mounted on the wall, one that I recognised from a poster the girls had in their bedroom. But the last one caught my eye for a whole different reason. It was a pale beige in colour and the back was such a deep shade of red that it looked like blood. It wasn’t this that caught my eye however, it was the fact that it was chipped all over; I could tell it was very much loved. He seemed to have realised where my gaze had landed and he picked it up and balanced it on his lap. From the way he was looking at it, I could tell that it meant an awful lot to him. I wasn’t sure what it meant to him, but I knew it did. He ran his fingers slowly and lovingly over the wood before looking at me once again.

“This was my first ever guitar, I got it when I was ten- I think? Maybe eleven. I picked up guitar in primary but I never learned it if you get what I mean.”

I nodded at this because I was exactly the same. I had started playing piano just for the heck of it when I was around six years old, but I didn’t really start learning until I was roughly twelve.

“I pretty much begged for a guitar and on my birthday, this is what I got. It was possibly the best birthday present I have ever received in my life.”

I smiled at the way he was speaking about the instrument, he was speaking about it almost as if it were an actual person and not an inanimate object. This showed just how much he loved it. I chuckled lightly to myself and quipped;

“I bet you’ve serenaded girls with it before.”

I watched as his face scrunched up in disgust at that comment which confused me slightly. I was about to ask why but he bet me to it with a rhetorical question;

“You really don’t know much about me at all, do you Louis?”

At this, I shook my head no as there was no point in lying to his face.

“Truthfully, I’m not really into the sort of music you do; I like the more bluesy rock sound when it comes to music.”

I was expecting him to give me a look considering I had just outright told him that I didn’t like his music but he just nodded in acceptance. He really is a humble guy.

“I quite enjoy that whole bluesy rock sound as well, but my voice doesn’t suit it at all.”

This much I had guessed. There were many singers nowadays who experimented with different genres of music but it never did sound right in my opinion. I now knew why that was and that was thanks to Harry pointing out something I normally would have overlooked. If a person doesn’t have the right tone to their voice, then no matter the circumstances a song will never sound right when they sing it. The serenading question soon came back to my mind now.

“So you’ve never asked a girl out with this beautiful thing then?”

Again, the disgusted look came back onto his face and he shook his head from side to side rather violently. A few seconds later of this he suddenly began laughing and stated;

“I’m gay Louis; I’m not attracted to women.”

At this my eyes widened, that was something that I really didn’t expect at all. He didn’t look like he was gay nor did he act it but then again that is all simply speculation and stereotyping. It’s complete nonsense in my opinion for someone to be opinionated on someone because of their personality or because of the way that they personally choose to dress. It was still a shock though, considering he gets chased by thousands of girls everywhere he went. He asked me if I was shocked by that and I simply replied that it wasn’t what I expected. He shook his head in amusement however at me. I scowled a little in his direction over the fact that he was enjoying my current embarrassment.

“I don’t know why I get chased by so many girls either. I’m open about my sexuality- much to my management’s distaste though. I don’t want to hide who I am in the public eye. I actually came out only a week or so after I released my first single. Of course people were surprised but like I said- I don’t want to hide or lie.”

With this single statement, I gained a strong appreciation for him. He shared pretty much identical views with me when it comes to sexualities. It’s not a crime to be gay or anything really although there are still people who believe in this. Love is love in my opinion and that is how it should be left.

“I’m gay too myself actually. I share more or less the same thoughts as you do over this and I came out after only a few days of me accepting it myself. There isn’t any use in hiding it because then it will only cause misery down the line- there is no other way around it.”

It was now that I glanced at the clock and I felt my eyes widen at seeing it was nearing 7pm. Since I told my mum that I would be home in time for dinner I was rather frantic because I knew she would be worried sick about me right now. I might be a mummy’s boy but I never really had the chance to see what it is like to have a father figure in my life and therefore I had always been very close with her and that was something I didn’t want to change. 

“I’m sorry Harry, but I told my mum I would be home for dinner- she’s probably going off her head right now as we speak.”

He chuckled and slid his phone out- which of course was the newest version of an iPhone before sending a text. He led me outside again because the layout of the complex was rather confusing to me right now. It was already getting dark outside and soon a familiar Mercedes van pulled up outside. I shook his hand before sliding in and waving as we pulled away. Like I had guessed though, when I did get home my mum exploded at me. She stopped what she was saying though when she saw the beaming smile that was etched onto my face.

I think I may have just made a very good friend today.


	6. Five.

Growing up very much a family orientated person, I have come to completely memorise each little facial expression to tell me what somebody was thinking. The second I had walked into my house I silently cursed to myself considering there was a bit of a traffic jam so I had gotten home a lot later than intended. I could have just sent my mum a text to tell her but stupid me didn’t think more into this. Well, right now I most certainly was thinking this and tried my best to keep my body from trembling at the furious gaze being directed my way. She has good reason to be so protective of me with all of the shit I’ve been through in my life so I cannot hold it against her. Her nostrils were flaring, eyes screaming nothing but annoyance and her lips were curled in tightly against her teeth. All of this added together in the way that it was made her immediately appear a foot taller and I was desperately trying not to cower underneath it all. 

I wasn’t sure how long I had stood there for but she eventually softened up enough to let me walk past her. With this in mind I pulled my coat off and removed my shoes before walking into the kitchen. I could hear the girls fighting about something upstairs which brought a ghost of a smile onto my face. This disappeared almost immediately when I heard my mum walk into the room and close the door behind her so we were isolated from everyone else. She knew that I had not told her the whole truth earlier and I knew she would not leave me alone until I actually do tell her. I bit my lip tightly and proceeded to reheat the spaghetti that had been left out for me. 

A minute later I removed it and sat down at the dining table and crossing my legs underneath the wood. I knew that any second now she would be asking me questions and I think it was knowing that this was going to happen that made me cower in terror. Was it really only seven hours ago that I had left to spend time with Harry? It seemed a lot longer than that but at the same time it felt like seconds had went by. Well, not right now anyway as each second felt like an hour. Each time that number increased my heartbeat only quickened and got steadily heavier. Once I had finished my food, I slid the plate into the dishwasher and was about to walk away when I remembered my mum who was still giving me that look that was seething in anger. My face was clearly not helping me at all as she could easily tell I was scared to tell her. How exactly so I tell her? 

“Where were you really today, Louis?”

I was surprised that her voice didn’t have that same tone that her body language was seeping but this only caused me to look at my feet and shuffle them just slightly in nerves. I knew that there was no way I was getting out of here without telling her everything. After a few seconds I managed to look up into her eyes but my gaze almost immediately diverted as I couldn’t stand it. I had not told her about the entire fiasco Félicité caused and truthfully I wasn’t planning on it. She had also not told her and neither had Lottie. I sighed and sheepishly walked back to my seat and sank down onto it. There is no way around it, I have to tell her everything even though she is not going to like it at all.

“Well, are you going to tell me or not Louis William Tomlinson?”

I bit my lip once again and pondered over my words trying to think of a way to sugar coat it in a sense. Eventually I managed to stutter out and I cursed myself for this again;

“I was at a new friend’s place; we were getting to know each other.”

She sat down in front of me and continued to give me that exact same furious look but it was slowly softening. She hummed a little bit and drummed her fingers impatiently on the table. She knew every little thing about me and she could tell that I felt extremely awkward and knowing that fact made the entire situation a hundred more times awkward for me. I thought carefully about what it was I wanted to say without sounding like a bad brother considering it was under my watch that she snuck away in the first place. After a few seconds of torturous silence, I decided to just tell her everything outright.

“You know how I took the girls to that Harry Styles concert last week?”

She nodded and furrowed her brows in confusion as if wondering where exactly I was heading with this. Another humming sound came from her and she gestured me to continue with a small hand gesture.

“Well, afterwards- something happened. We were walking out and the girls looked like they were about to faint so I sent them to get something to drink and I took this opportunity to go to the toilet since I had been holding it in.”

I licked my lips just slightly, just enough to bring moisture to them so that they wouldn’t crack painfully. My mum was still giving me that incredibly stern look and I shivered again but still managed to keep eye contact. She may treat me like a toddler and not eighteen but I cannot fault her for this. It’s not only because of that reason but also because I am her only boy and her firstborn so naturally she is really protective of me.

“I was only gone for three minutes at most. I walked back out and saw Lottie freaking out and I soon realised why as Félicité had decided to wander off. So, I naturally freaked out a little bit and asked Lottie where she went and she told me she saw her sneaking backstage when the security guard had his gaze cast elsewhere.”

At this, a small chuckle along with a barely visible smile etched onto her face. That horrible gaze finally lifting and I took a large breath in relief that she wasn’t angry with me like I assumed she would have been. I knew why she was laughing because it could only have been Félicité to try and pull the stunt that she did. She’s always been a little daredevil.

“So I marched over with Lottie and had a bit of an argument with the security guard in question about why I should be let in. I wasn’t going to give up but neither was he anytime soon. Well, this was until someone yelled from backstage that he had saw someone sneak past who fitted her description- so we were let back in order to look for her.”

She nodded a bit and the amused grin was still plastered on her features. She knew there was nothing for her to be worried about considering my sister was upstairs arguing with the other girls over something (probably makeup) and was perfectly okay. I took a deep breath as I moved onto the next part of my tale.

“As it would turn out, it was Harry Styles himself who saw her. He took us to his dressing room to wait and he sent people to go and look for her as she couldn’t have gotten far. I uh, I had a lot of common ground with him and he gave me his number once she had been found.”

Her eyes widened at this in even more amusement and she proceeded to wiggle her eyebrows teasingly in my direction which made me roll my own eyes in exasperation. I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest, of course she would have the exact same reaction as Olly did when I told him. Speaking of Olly, he was currently with Chad to catch up too and I knew they were both probably having a field day that consisted of them teasing me over all of this.

“I didn’t text or call for a week. It was actually Olly who convinced me to text him and I finally did yesterday and I agreed to meet him at his flat so we could get to know each other a bit more. It was his driver who came to pick me up and he was also there too.”

She hummed lightly again at this and she continued to give me that amused look. I rolled my eyes again before finally standing up and making my way upstairs to my own bedroom. I sniggered quickly to myself at hearing the girls still arguing over something that wasn’t decipherable through the wooden door. Once I was in my bedroom again, I realised I had a couple of texts- along with a missed call from Chad which was all the confirmation I needed to tell me that he also knew now. I sighed at this and was about to call him when I spotted I had another text from Harry. I grinned to myself and opened that one first.

[From: Popstar]  
Hey there, I hope you weren’t into much trouble with your mum.

I chuckled lightly at his vagueness and slight awkwardness. Even through text I could tell that he felt bad at keeping me back and possibly getting me in trouble. I thought a little of what to reply with before settling on something simple.

[To: Popstar]  
It’s fine, she was just giving me a bit of an evil glare for not telling her where I was and also for not telling her about my sister sneaking away from me at your concert. I think your driver’s black van freaked her out a little bit and that was why she was a bit hesitant.

This wasn’t the complete truth but I wasn’t ready to tell Harry of all the shit that happened with my ex. I opened up the Facebook app and scrolled through my newsfeed in search for gossip around school. The small beep made me jump again along with a ‘fuck’. I should probably get used to hearing that noise by now. I re-opened my text messages to see who had text me now or whether Harry had just replied back. It was the latter and a small smile formed on my face again.

[From: Popstar]  
That’s understandable; maybe next time I’ll get him to hire out a slightly less threatening looking vehicle? It was nice getting to know you today though.

I couldn’t tell if that was a joke he attempted to make but if it was it was really fucking terrible. I’ve heard stupid dad jokes that are better than that and that is saying something. Within ten minutes of spending time with him today though, I knew it was indeed an attempted joke. He had cracked numerous which were all equally dreadful and only made me look at him weirdly as if wondering why they were meant to be funny in the first place. Although for some strange reason he thought he was genuinely funny…

[To: Popstar]  
It was nice getting to know you too, I bet you’ve got loads of friends though.

I frowned a little as I just stated the one thing that had been bothering me silently. He didn’t reply for quite a few minutes but I occasionally saw the three tiny little dots on my screen and I knew he was simply just writing a length reply. My eyes widened when the text finally did come through at just how long it really was. At least he wasn’t one of those people who sent parts of a conversation consecutively and instead sent it all at the same time because truthfully that is one of my biggest pet peeves.

[From: Popstar]  
Actually Louis, I don’t. I’m in this industry where lies and rumours are being sold simply so people can make money and also to publicly embarrass me half of the time. The second I dare go out with a friend I’m branded a man-whore even if the friend in question is a female and I’m purely gay. Also, there are people out there who make up these fantastical schemes in order to make me look like the bad person in a situation. It isn’t easy to find a genuine person in my industry Louis, plus I’m hardly home and it isn’t easy to make friends knowing I don’t get much time to spend with them. As an example, my friend Ed (yes, Ed Sheeran) got hit with a woman saying that they had had a drunken one-night stand around half a year ago and that he had gotten her pregnant. A lot of people turned against him because this woman had really thought the entire situation through thoroughly. Even his own manager started to believe it until he took a lie detector test to prove that the night in question never even happened.

My eyes widened as I read this, disgust filling me up. Do some people really get that desperate in order to get close to, to embarrass someone, or to ruin their entire reputation? I had actually seen that specific story on Facebook a while ago about Ed Sheeran supposedly becoming a dad, and this only made me feel sick to my stomach. The things that some people will do in order to make a name for themselves is really fucking ridiculous.

[To: Popstar]  
That’s insane. I’ve never really thought about it like that at all, I don’t pay attention to rumours or anything like that as it is anyway- but that is fucking ridiculous. Why me of all people though?

I had hit the send button before I even had time to think over what I had said. Although I was now a little mad at myself as it was clear to him now that I was insecure about being friends with him due to his level of fame and not knowing whether I could handle it all or not. This didn’t deter him however because he replied within seconds.

[From: Popstar]  
Because you want to get to know me for me Louis and not because I’m a singer or because I’m famous or because I’ve got a lot of money. I knew that the instant I saw you arguing with Chris, you were simply only there to accompany your sisters. It doesn’t happen often in this materialistic domain I’m in and you do seem like a genuinely nice guy.

It let out a breath I wasn’t even aware I was holding until now. My cheeks het up a little in embarrassment at his words but I knew I couldn’t hold out the conversation any longer and instead clicked on Chad’s number. It was beginning to get late if the ominous orange glow from the streetlights were anything to go by. I knew he would still be awake though considering he’s a night owl.

“So, when were you going to tell me you were going on a date with Harry Styles?”

At this, I rolled my eyes in exasperation. I don’t even know what I was expecting but of course Olly would tell him that. That’s what best friends are for though, embarrassing each other to the point that they just don’t want to spend time with each other anymore. Not in a bad way, just in a way that allowed a person to clear their head a little bit before they get even more embarrassing.

“I was not on a date with him Chad. I went around to his flat so we could get to know each other- “

He cut me off before I could continue;

“Sounds like a date to me. So did you kiss? Snog? Fuck?”

I screwed my face up in disgust at the last one and I made a rather questionable noise into the phone. 

“Chad! I was not on a date with him and I can assure you there was no lips, tongue, or dick involved and that is final.”

I knew he wasn’t going to let the whole thing go though. He and Olly are without a shadow of a doubt going to play this to their advantage at my expense and I was not looking forward to it at all. We talked for a few more minutes before hanging up. I opened up the final text that I had which was from Olly and I groaned once again in annoyance. Despite knowing what they were going to do, it was still very irritating to see it in black and white (or green and white considering I have an iPhone and Olly has an Android).

[From: Dickhead]  
So Louis, give me some details. Apart from the graphic stuff of course.

It was times like this I questioned my own sanity for willingly having such weirdoes as my best friends.

\---

The next few days went by in a bit of a blur. Although by now I had come clean to all of my sisters about everything. I changed Harry’s name in my contacts to something random and had made sure to bin the piece of paper so that they cannot steal his number from me or so it cannot be leaked. I knew that my sisters had boundaries and wouldn’t do it in the first place but it is always better to be safe than to be sorry. Today though I had school and I wasn’t looking forward to it in the slightest. I only had two classes and at least one of them was Music. I grinned evilly; perhaps I could use my newly acquired knowledge on guitars to up my grade a bit. I’m pretty sure Music, Drama, and English are the only subjects in which I most definitely knew I was passing. The others, not so much. I’ve never been particularly academic though, I know what I want to do in life and what I need in order to achieve that goal.

The drive to school wasn’t long at all, only ten minutes. The gates were full though of hundreds of teenagers questioning their life choices. My exams were all soon too which made me pause in panic. I hadn’t even started studying for them yet which meant I was completely screwed. As long as I pass them I will be happy, I’m not aiming to get amazingly high grades like some people considering I’m going to college anyway. I don’t need any requirements due to my place being unconditional. 

Like I expected, both Chad and Olly were wiggling their eyebrows at me in amusement when I walked over to them. I knew why they were giving me that look because there was no other option and I just hoped that neither of them opened their mouths about it because I want to keep this rather private until I know that Harry and I’s friendship is real. I honestly haven’t a clue why Olly was doing this though because if I had the option to be home-schooled I would jump at the chance so I wouldn’t have to be woken up really early. The school day went by quite quickly though with him tagging along. If anything, my teachers were even more annoyed at having another clown in the room to cause destruction. It was good though, because it actually made the classes bearable for once.

I ended up going along to Chad’s flat along with Olly once the day had ended. We had a few drinks, but not enough to get drunk. We watched comedy film after comedy film- simply just enjoying a lazy lad’s afternoon with each other before Olly flies back to Miami. He’s only going to be here for another two weeks which sucked big time. I was brought out of my thoughts as my phone vibrated against my leg (I had put it on vibrate so it wouldn’t interrupt our films). I removed it and checked the caller I.D., frowning as it was an unknown number. I got up and walked into the hall and bringing it to my ear and asking rather hesitantly;

“Who’s this?”

For a few seconds, there wasn’t a reply. I was about to hang up on whoever it was when suddenly a thick accent that I could tell was Irish tore through the quiet;

“I am not threatening you here, but I know that you are becoming friendly with a certain someone in ways that I do not know. But I am warning you of one thing. If you dare lay a hand on or hurt my brother, there will be consequences.”

The mysterious person hung up before I could even process what it was he had just said to me. I was left completely and utterly dumbfounded to put it lightly and looked at my phone as if the answer would just pop up on the screen. What the fuck was all of that about? Who was that, and what did they mean by me hurting their brother? My eyes widened in realisation. It could only be one person and that had to be the brother Harry spoke of but how did he get my bloody number? Perhaps it is just some crazed person who wants to make my life a living hell or kids playing pranks on random numbers. Well, the bastard had another thing coming; they don’t rule my life for me, only I do.


	7. Six.

Like most people, I have been scared on levels varying in intensity. I have had the silly little scares when somebody creeps up on me from behind or jumps out from behind a corner at me. I’ve had the kinds of frights when people have come up to me and yelling directly in the face. Up until now, the only time I had been more terrified after that was when I was in a car accident when I was fourteen years old. We had simply gone to the cinema when Mark wanted to treat us all to a kid’s night and somebody drove right out at a roundabout and didn’t look where they were going- in turn hitting our car head on. That was until now though. That slight paralysing fear when that happened had subsided almost immediately when I saw that everyone was perfectly ok and there wasn’t any serious damage. Now though, I was terrified because of what was said to not be a threat but had still felt like a threat.

In the miniscule three days that had passed since I had received that phone call, those words were replaying over and over again in my head to the point that I felt violently sick. They were still playing on my mind and that voice was now imprinted deep into my mind that if I ever by some chance meet who it was who had called me I would know them immediately. Despite this fear that I had, I desperately wanted to know who it actually was that had called me and how he had even gotten my number in the first place. If he was indeed who he said he was, and he was Harry’s brother then it was pretty obvious how he had gotten my number but if it was someone else then I genuinely have no idea how he had gotten it. For a couple of hours afterwards I was just a nervous wreck and I shakily told my two best friends who immediately suggested that I go to the nearest police station to report it as a threat. Despite considering it for a few minutes I eventually decided against it. If I ever received another one of these calls then I would report it and this seemed to calm my friends down. 

After it, I had attempted to call the number back in the hope that I could maybe get a name or something but they had turned their phone off and were clearly refusing to acknowledge me after that. I think it was this that frightened me the most because it had come immediately out of the blue and was most definitely not foreseen. For obvious reasons, I had also not told my parents nor my sisters about anything because I knew they would go ballistic and try to get the number from my phone even though I had deleted it after realising they were not bothering to pick up. If anybody in my immediate family were aware, then they most certainly would not hesitate in calling the number back and hitting them with another threat along with getting police involved. It was quite simple; it was a complete stranger. Even if he was Harry’s mentioned brother then he was still a stranger to me as I didn’t know his name, where he lived, nor what he looked like. All I did know was that he was clearly Irish but I couldn’t tell if it was southern, northern, or a county accent as I’ve never been to Ireland myself.

It had taken me longer to convince Chad and Olly not to go to police about this but they eventually gave in as they knew I would not change my mind once it had been made up. Olly even suggested that it may have simply just have been a wrong number but deep down I knew this was not the case at all. They both knew it too and I think this was why they were being extremely wary with me over the last three days. I knew it wasn’t a wrong number because it was obvious he was directing his speech at me and not someone else. If he was though, how the fuck did he know I was hanging out with Harry? We had been very careful to make sure that there were no pictures and we didn’t tell anyone apart from people we both trusted so it was obvious he had heard from someone that I might possibly care for.

I shook my head before finally stepping outside. For once much to my delight and many others, it was really quite sunny and had actually broken the twenty-degree mark in temperature. This didn’t happen often and I was definitely glad to say goodbye to the giant raincloud that had been terrorising the city for the past fortnight threatening to burst at any second. I was heading around to Harry’s flat again for the day since he had told me he had finished the U.K. leg of his tour and he now had three weeks of promotion in North America. He had also told me on the phone that he was recording there for a bit and he wasn’t sure how long exactly he would be there for but he said it would be at least a month but it would probably be extended. I supposed it is something that I’m just going to have to learn to deal with considering he is very famous in a lot of countries.

I could have driven myself but since I hadn’t really paid attention to the route we had went last time I didn’t trust myself. Harry lived in an area of London that I did not know well and I didn’t trust myself in wandering around there. I had told Harry this and he told me that he would send me his driver to pick me up again along with a laugh as he said to try and remember the way there or his street name so I could just use a GPS. I hadn’t been waiting for long when a large silver van parked in front of my family home, the window rolling down just enough for me to recognise the same man from the last time. He gave me a small smile and I slid into the back of the van. 

The drive wasn’t too long considering the traffic for some miracle seemed to be busier elsewhere. For London this was definitely a wonderful surprise as it didn’t happen at all in this city hence why my mum and Mark had opted to buy a house in the east end as it was far away from the centre but still being close enough that it was easy access to get there if needed. The fact that most schools were now on summer holiday, their parents had not hesitated to jump on a plane to go somewhere exotic to escape the torrential English weather. I kind of wish I was on holiday right now, but with a family of seven, it isn’t exactly cheap. It’s a bit sad actually that I cannot remember the last holiday we had- I think it may have actually been before the twins were born and they were now nearly eight. Eight years is a very long time. I blinked a little to rid myself of my reminiscing and a few seconds later a familiar street of complexes were in my line of vision. I waved to the driver as a thanks before sliding out of the car.

It was only once I was stood out on the grey pavement and looking up that I realised I couldn’t remember what flat was his. All that I could remember was that it was in the middle block and was on the third floor. Since I knew what block it definitely was I walked in there first. Now I was faced with three staircases- one on the right, one in the middle, and another on the left. Every one of them went in different directions and lead to different landings which I saw when I looked up. This place should not be called a flat complex- it should be called the really fucking impossible complex.

“I think it may have been the one on the right- “

I was cut off from my thoughts when I heard a voice from above;

“Not remember which staircase it is then?”

I glanced up and let an amused grin take up my face as I spotted a very familiar head of curls a few floors up. He disappeared soon after that but I could hear the dull thudding sound telling me that he was currently running downstairs. This place really should have lifts in it, if not some kind of map so it was easier to navigate throughout. Soon, Harry appeared at the top of the staircase on the left; ok, it’s a good thing that I didn’t go up the right set after all like I had originally planned to. I bit my lip in a very much feeble attempt at trying to hide my embarrassment at forgetting the way already. In my defence though I have been here once before. I ran up the staircase to join him on the landing, both of us instantly shaking hands. The last few days we had been texting quite often and occasionally calling each other. It really was insane just how much in common we had with each other.

Anyone looking at us wouldn’t think that two people with such different lives could get along. Our lives were so different from each other and not just a little- extremely. He is a famous singer who is worth more than some people will make in a lifetime, and I’m just a soon to be student who just has enough to get by. Although, for some strange reason it just worked between us. I sighed before following Harry up another two flights of stairs and down a couple of corridors until we came across a landing that was familiar to me. He let me in and within five minutes we were versing each other on Mario Kart (he was Bowser and I was Yoshi). Our game got very intense, very quickly to put it nicely.

After an hour of bickering non-stop which solely consisted on us both accusing the other of cheating, he turned the television off and we both just sat there and simply enjoyed the quiet. Although, with the quite came back that Irish voice. I glanced around the room in search of something that would catch my attention enough to rid this thought before my eyes landed on an open notebook with writing all over it. Harry must have noticed the way my head was cocked to the side in curiosity because he reached over to grab it. I also realised that he had his worn down guitar rested beside the couch. He set the small book on his lap and it didn’t take me long to realise that he dabbled in song writing here.

“Do you write your own songs?”

I licked my lips a little bit to allow a bit of moisture into the cracked skin once more. He shook his head in a rather odd way which confused me. I didn’t need to ask him to continue because he had soon opened his mouth and his deep Cheshire accent dripping like velvet was breaking the silence;

“I write a lot of my own songs myself. The rest of them I have co-written with other artists or have been given and just touched them up so they are more fitted to my genre. Although I don’t record a lot of them.”

At this, I knitted my eyebrows in confusion. Surely if he wrote a lot of songs then it would make sense for him to record them? He seemed to be playing around with a chunky silver ring on his finger that I hadn’t noticed before as if he was in deep thought about something. I didn’t fail in noticing a strange aura emanating from his body that was setting me a little on edge although not in a bad way. I couldn’t even put it into words even if I tried to do so.

“I record a small amount of songs that I write for two main reasons. The first being that they mean way too much to me to want to share with people and the second being that I quite simply don’t want to record them. A lot’s happened to me in my life and that comes through in my lyrics. I’m not ready for people to see another side of me if that makes any sense.”

I nodded a little bit in confirmation. It was pretty obvious that whatever he was in deep thought about was the reason he didn’t want these songs out for the world to read or listen to. I wanted to pry a bit deeper but I could hear the slightly off-tone in his voice that he was not going to tell me anymore. 

“I understand.”

He made a light humming noise which told me he knew exactly what I meant by saying that. He knew that I was not going to bug him if he didn’t want to be annoyed on something that is clearly extremely personal to him. It’s not my right to barge into a person’s personal life even if I am rather nosey when it comes to other people’s lives. My eyes glanced down at the notepad again, widening in shock at the amount that was actually crammed into the pages. They all seemed to be clipped off parts like they could be verses but they were clearly not full songs. Harry seemed to know what it was that I was thinking again as he elaborated;

“This one is more lyrical ideas. There are times when I get writer’s block and when that does happen I’ve got some kind of back-up to help me get some on the spot inspiration. There are times when I have a great idea for a song but get stuck when it comes to actually writing it. So I write a little bit and come back to it every now and then until its complete. I also write in this so that I don’t forget the song idea.”

I nodded as I digested this new information, it made a lot of sense actually now that I thought about it. He once again reached out and placed the notebook on the coffee table before leaning back and crossing his legs over one another. He turned to face me before asking;

“What do you like to do in your free time anyway Louis?”

I hummed a little bit in response, pondering over what I wanted to tell him. A few awkward and very quiet moments had passed before I finally replied with;

“Not too much to be honest. I like to go to parties but just for the hell of it. Not for all of the other shit that kids are into these days. I like to spend time with my two best friends, I like to walk around the city, I like to explore. I like a lot of things actually. Chad and Olly are my two closest friends considering we’ve basically grown up since we were in nappies- literally. Our mum’s all met at university and they decided to grow us up together in the process. I don’t see Olly much at all considering his parents own a business that requires them to move around a lot. The lucky bastard is actually currently living in Miami, Florida and he has made sure to irritate me on the weather difference every available opportunity he gets.”

A short laugh escaped Harry that sounded a bit more like a bark than it did anything else, but I was confused when he gave me a bit of a strange look.

“Have you ever- you know, been in a relationship with either of them?”

As those words left his lips my face instantly scrunched up in major disgust and my cheeks were heating up a ridiculous amount. Even though I could not see myself I knew that my skin had gone bright pink in embarrassment which was enough of an answer for Harry. I shook my head violently in a futile attempt to rid the idea of kissing one of my best friends.

“Fuck no; I’ve only been in one relationship. I would never, ever want to be in a relationship with Chad or Olly. They are the brothers that I never had. Thanks for the disgusting mental image though Harry, I appreciate it.”

My ramble only caused him to instantly break out into hysterical laughter once more. It wasn’t long until I was also laughing with him because laughter is contagious after all. After a few minutes had passed, we finally managed to stop and were both gasping for our breaths by the end of it and my lungs were constricting painfully in desperation for wanting to be filled with oxygen. Eventually I managed to get a large breath and stopped laughing even though my cheeks were now aching along with my ribs slightly. 

“Have you ever been in a relationship, Harry?”

He shook his head in the negative which caused my eyes to widen a little bit more. I would have thought he had, I mean would it not be easier to ask someone out if the person doing the asking was very well-known? Like that though, his previous saying came into mind- it was hard for him to find somebody who liked him for him and not for his money or fame. I suppose being famous isn’t all that it is cut out to be. He stayed quiet for a few seconds before saying;

“You said you’ve only been in one relationship, what happened? If it isn’t too personal for you that is.”

Almost instantly, my throat seemed to begin closing shut and my breath got caught. Numerous thoughts were re-entering my mind when I was really hurt badly. I’ve gotten over everything for the most part but there are times when I get too lost in my thoughts that it is like time had not changed and he was still there and keeping me in his iron fist. I can try to deny it all that I want, but there are invisible scars still there from the entire ordeal. I shakily took a deep breath and before I could even stop I was spilling everything to him.

“His name was James. He was in the year above me at school and we got close with each other seen as he only lived two streets away. I was fifteen then and most days we would walk to school together and by the time I was sixteen he had asked me out. At first a lot of people were shocked that the most popular guy in school was dating me considering I was nowhere near the same popularity that he was. The first few months went smoothly with us and everyone seemed to accept our relationship wholeheartedly. He even introduced me to his family and I introduced him to mine. It slowly got more serious but not once did we go the whole way as I wasn’t ready for sex yet.”

By now, tears were spilling from my eyes which were burning at the warm salty water. I was also aware of Harry gently caressing my shoulder in an attempt to reassure me that it was all over long ago. I bit my lip as I did not want to continue but for some reason I trusted Harry on this and I wanted to tell someone else.

“It wasn’t long after our six-month anniversary that cracks began to show. I refused to give up though as I was determined to make my first relationship work. It started slow, when he began telling me things about my friends and I began to distance myself. My actions caused them to also distance away and before I really knew it the majority of people who I had once been close with became nothing short of mean to me. This affected me badly and it only got worse as he began manipulating me although at the time I didn’t realise this. I was too naïve to see what was really going on. 

“This continued until our one-year anniversary. By this point I was pretty confident that I may have found ‘the one’- how stupid I was. That night I finally gave in and I willingly had sex with him. Gave him everything I had left. I gave up my friends, people in my family, my free time, and finally my virginity. When I woke up the next morning though he was not there but I still went to school despite me being in pain for obvious reasons. Everyone knew that we had had sex. I walked passed him in the hallway though and I heard him bragging to his friends about a bet and that he’d had a numerous string of hook-ups the entire year we were together. 

“It tore me into fucking pieces. I did love him at the time although I now realise that I was never really in love with him. I was in love with the idea of being with him and nothing more than that. Instead he flung all of this back in my face by admitting that I was basically just a toy to him for the entire year and I think the bet only made me feel even more violently sick. He’d actually made a bet with his friends that he would be the person to take my virginity. I meant absolutely nothing to him.”

Almost in an instant, Harry had leaned over and pulled me into a very tight hug. I don’t know why I trusted him to open up in the way that I had. Even more so considering I had never told Olly or Chad until only a few months ago myself. Yet here I was telling somebody that I had met only a fortnight ago. Had it really only been a fortnight since the concert? It felt like I’ve known Harry for years even though that sounds incredibly cliché. I was telling him things that I didn’t trust anybody with and it was strange- there was just something about him that practically forced me to trust him. I don’t know what it was but there was just something there. I didn’t even think about the fact that I was clearly ruining his expensive shirt with my crying currently but truthfully I did not care and it didn’t seem that he minded much either as he was rubbing soothing circles into the small of my back trying to calm me down.

“That guy is a fucking dick Louis; no one deserves to be treated like that at all. Well, maybe not everyone. I wouldn’t mind seeing it happen to him so that he knew what it felt like to be used like that. At least he is out of your life Louis and that is a good thing. Perhaps it is just closure of some kind that you need in order to get over everything completely but I want you to know that I’m here for you. I may have only met you a fortnight ago but I already know that we’re going to be really good friends and I would never turn against you even over my own dead body.”

My cheeks het up once again but for another reason. I knew it was probably not a one-way street in the way that I saw things about my friendship with Harry but hearing it put into words really confirmed to me that this was not something silly. He was right though; it was definitely a good thing that I had completely cut James out of my life after we broke up- even though we never even officially broke up. According to him we were never even officially together in the first place. Speaking about it openly to Harry had lifted a huge weight from my shoulders and I sighed because maybe I could get closure. Perhaps all the closure that I needed was this slightly younger boy whose arms I was currently in.


	8. Seven.

Time is a feeble thing. There are certain times when a moment can feel like a lifetime and a year can feel like a moment. Well, in this case it was definitely the second option. Before I could even blink it seemed, two months had passed. During this time, I had received my exam results and much to my surprise I passed them all relatively well- I was expecting to barely pass at least one of them. I wasn’t complaining though and in a couple of weeks I would be starting college to study the A-Levels that I actually want to study in detail. Over the past two months I had been texting Harry the entire time and we were only getting closer despite him currently being an entire ocean away from me. If my memory is correct then he was currently in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Whether that was true or not I’m not sure.

It was certainly a strange dynamic but not one that is foreign considering Olly lives in Florida. I’m used to having a friend who lives far away from me and travels a lot so it wasn’t this that was strange. I don’t even know what it was that I thought was strange or felt a bit off with us. It wasn’t even bad, there was just some weird reason that I trusted him more than anyone else. Maybe it was because he was the first person I had willingly opened up to on a difficult part in my life and wasn’t essentially guilt tripped or forced into telling that created this bond between us. Maybe it was because I actually understood that we had very little time to spend with each other that created this considering it isn’t anything new to me. 

Speaking of Olly, he had finally flown back to Miami as well which sucked big time. Of course we still talked but I cannot deny that speaking to my best friend over a computer screen was not the same as speaking to him in person. I miss him a lot every time he leaves but eventually he needs to go home and I respected that. Maybe one day he will move back to London because it wouldn’t surprise me to be completely honest. He’s never in the same city for longer than a year so he never really has the chance to settle down but it does mean he is very cultured and has a lot of friends in a lot of places. Although, there was one thing I did not miss Olly for and that was his very stupid remarks regarding Harry and I’s friendship.

Over the last eight weeks or so we had gotten closer to the point that we had numerous inside jokes that nobody else would understand. If I’m being honest though, if they did understand the jokes in question we would have been thrown into a mental asylum by now because they were very stupid. It still scared me at times as we were so different from each other. Although, considering Chad had taken up a part time job and with Harry currently touring the states briefly to promote his music out there- I was bored shitless.

London is a big city, there is no denying that. But at times I just don’t feel like there is anything to do at all. There is so much available that it is impossible to choose just one. Also, it is not the same doing these things on my own so I had taken to just strolling the streets of my neighbourhood or just watching numerous shows on Netflix. I snapped back to reality though when I heard my doorbell ringing which confused me, who would be coming to my door at this time? I frowned even more in confusion whilst walking into the hall seen as my mum was working today and so was my step-dad Mark. 

I opened the door expecting it to be someone collecting money for charity or a neighbour looking for something silly like salt, so to say I was shocked at seeing someone the same age as me standing there- never mine the fact that it was Harry who was supposed to be in America- I was shocked. I felt my mouth drop open in amazement whilst I stared at him, he laughed loud at me. I had also noticed that his driver had not hired out a van with blacked out windows this time. Then again, there wasn’t much use in it in order to protect my identity. One picture had gone viral last week even though it had been taken over a month ago when he had flown me out to California for a few days which confirmed that we did know each other- his fans had been quick to figure out my name. I knew this as my twitter followed had expanded to over two-hundred thousand which shocked me to say the least.

“Surprise?”

His small statement brought me back into reality and I jumped forward and pulled him into a brotherly hug, which we broke apart from to stop it getting awkward between us. It had now been three months since we met, but it felt like a lot longer than that. I playfully hit him across the chest whilst saying;

“Why did you not tell me you were back? How did it go?”

I shut my mouth instantly before I asked him even more questions that I was desperate to ask, he seemed to understand though as he chuckled deeply a little bit more. He looked down to his feet before his eyes trailed up to meet my stunned but delighted gaze once more.

“I wanted to surprise you Louis. I came back two days ago but I spent all of yesterday recovering from jet lag. Although I’m now going on a miniature radio tour of the country along with playing a few shows.”

I shook my head a little bit, I honestly haven’t got a single clue how he is still standing with how much he works. I know that if it was me in his shoes that I would not be able to handle it all and would buckle underneath all of the pressure. As our friendship developed as well, I had started to notice odd things about Harry. Firstly, he always skirted around answering very personal questions. Secondly, he never seemed to visit any relatives which really bugged me. The last one being that phone call but I couldn’t hold that one against him as he didn’t know about it. Apart from these three, there were many more things I had noticed about him that I’m not sure other people had. It almost seemed like the Harry Styles that so many people love and adore isn’t exactly who he says he is. Suddenly, a light clicking noise snapped me from my thoughts.

“Did you hear a single word I just said, Louis?”

My eyes widened and I shook my head in the negative. I could feel the blush coating my cheeks that I had not realised he was speaking. More specifically, how long was I spaced out in thought for there?

“I was speaking to Chris, and he thinks it might be a good idea to have someone accompany me to a couple of my shoes over the next week. So, are you up for it?”

As those words left his lips, I froze immediately in shock; he wanted me to go on tour with him? What would I say to my parents and sisters? He seemed to have though it all through already in detail because he said;

“I actually spoke to your mum about it yesterday, according to her you needed to stop being a hermit because Chad and Olly aren’t available to hang out with.”

I smiled a little in amusement at this and I was also slightly annoyed because that sounds exactly like something that my mum would say. She’s been bugging me to get out of the house more for weeks now and I know she would be glad to get rid of me for a few days. Perhaps this may be good, and it would be nice to travel a little bit even if it is in the one country. After a few more seconds of thought I nodded and let him in so I could pack some clothes. I grabbed a small suitcase and threw in a few pairs of jeans, tops, and hoodies considering I was not going to chance the weather. I ran downstairs after this but I tripped up and I silently hoped that Harry did not see that but I had no luck as I heard him laugh.

“So, where is it we are going then?”

He ginned a little at my extremely embarrassed expense before promptly taking my suitcase and loading it into the boot of the van before replying;

“Newcastle, then Glasgow, and finally Manchester.”

My eyes widened a little bit, we were going up and down the country then. We both slid into the backseat of the van, the car pulling away from the kerb and driving off down the street towards Newcastle. To say that I was shocked when we pulled into the arena would be an understatement. I was still unsure when Harry had asked for me to accompany him for a few dates of a miniature tour, then again I didn’t really have much of a choice with my mum constantly nagging me to get out of the house. It wasn’t the travelling that was starting to get to me, I’ve kind of gotten used to it now over the past couple of months that we’ve known each other. It was the rumours that circulated that I was always nervous about.

The media knew that we were both openly gay and they constantly jumped to conclusions with us. We weren’t together though, but the number of messages that came through on twitter and numerous other social media sites were generally not nice at all. I sat in silence as I remembered when we had gone shopping in San Francisco just over a month ago. Harry had grabbed my hand before pulling me into a waiting car and of course plenty of pictures had been taken of the said moment. I don’t even know why he did what he did but I’d simply assumed that he was trying to protect me from all of the attention that had seemed to come from absolutely nowhere.

I was taken out of my small reverie when I heard a door shut; I slid out after Harry and followed him through the maze that was backstage. It was still really early just now, only 4pm but there was already people waiting outside. I knew Harry was huge in a lot of countries, but that still shocked me a little bit. Soon, the tangled mess that was underneath the stage disappeared and we were in a corridor, this must be where his dressing room is. He wasn’t talking much just now but with the large sticker he had on his shirt that said ‘VOCAL REST’ told me that he wasn’t being rude in any way at all. He soon opened a door and walked inside, I glanced up and spotted his name on the door which meant this was obviously his dressing room. We both sat down on the couch and I noticed Harry rip off the sticker and threw it in the bin.

“Do you not need to wear that?”

He tightened his lips which gave me my answer and I shook my head in amusement.

“I’m not really in the mood to speak with anyone in my team just now, so Chris got me one of these.”

At this I couldn’t stop the loud laugh from erupting. The outer corners of Harry’s lips split apart and a couple of small crinkles formed around his eyes at this before he shrugged; only making me laugh more. I’m surprised he hadn’t been dropped yet to be honest with how often he defied people he worked with- more specifically his management. Then again, he’d already told me that Simon Cowell paid them to keep him. I grinned lightly before we both fell back onto the sofa. Hardly any words were spoken for a few minutes.

“When is it you are sound checking?”

He hummed a little and glanced at the clock to see for himself before replying;

“In about an hour, and then I’ve got two hours after that to myself and then show time.”

I nodded at this to show him I understood. He had invited me to go on the whole tour with him in the car, but I’m starting my A-Levels soon so I had declined. I was only missing the Irish dates anyway and I could easily tag along another time. I don’t want any major distractions beforehand. I wonder who will be in my classes this year? Hopefully someone I know well even though it isn’t likely. There were very few people who had decided to take the same option as me instead of going into a job or university straight after leaving. I knew Chad was going but he was taking completely different classes to me- the only one we were both taking was going to be music. I glanced at Harry when a question popped into my head.

“Do you miss school by any chance?”

Suddenly, he froze and he gulped lightly. His face went considerably paler than it was originally and a rather haunted look coated his emerald green eyes. It must have lasted a split second before he was back to normal, what was that? I noticed he was biting his lip hard and he was also wringing his fingers tightly together, a few sweat beads forming on his forehead.

“I left school when I was fifteen, Louis. I don’t miss it at all. Too much happened to me throughout my school years for me to have ever enjoyed it.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at him after this but his face was now set in stone, I knew he wasn’t going to budge anytime soon on the matter. I knew that he would tell me one day though. Soon, we had both left to head over to the stage so he could sound check, I always enjoyed tagging along here. It was nice and very interesting to see what really went on before a show whether it be small or really upscale. He walked up to Chris, who I learned was his tour manager and also one of his bodyguards (this didn’t surprise me, his muscles are huge). He handed him his in-ears and I watched in fascination as he easily slipped them in and attached his microphone to his pocket.

“Is that not uncomfortable?”

I asked it before I could even think properly. He glanced up at me and shrugged a little in response.

“I’m used to it by now so no, it isn’t uncomfortable.”

He then walked over to beside the stage where a few people were stood around who clearly worked with him. He picked up his steel acoustic first and gave me a small smile before stepping out. It was strange knowing that this arena was going to be full to the brim with people in a matter of hours and the majority of them will be females. It still confused me a little why so many females chased after him considering he is openly gay; maybe they think that they can turn him straight or something. I sniggered a little as there is no way to turn straight, sexuality is sexuality. He lightly strummed to test out the microphone before he started to sing. I would be lying to myself if I said he didn’t have a good voice, as he had an amazing voice. There was a bit of a rock tone to it which was very unique and not many people possessed.

I watched in pure fascination for the next hour or so as he rehearsed most of the songs from his set list. He also tested out his guitars whilst doing so. I snapped my head over when I heard him play a familiar guitar riff, a few people backstage laughing at my reaction. I didn’t know that he knew how to play sweet child of mine. Soon after, he walked backstage and removed his microphone and his in-ears. He walked over to me after this and stated;

“You watched the whole sound check didn’t you?”

I laughed a little and nodded as there was no use in lying. I looked up into his eyes seen as he was a few inches taller than me. I walked back around to his dressing room with him and also challenged him to another game on the X-Box. We may as well pass the time seen as we have two hours before he is due to go on stage. Like usual, I slipped in the Fifa disc and threw a controller at Harry which he caught easily like it was second nature to him. After a long game there was no denying the score, 3-2 and I had triumphed once again. I ended up doing a stupid little victory dance and Harry was sulking rather noticeably beside me.

“You cheated.”

This only made me burst into uncontrollable laughter. He was such a sore loser and it was really quite entertaining for me to be honest. He pouted whilst jutting out his bottom lip, refusing to admit defeat by probably the hundredth time by now.

“Oh come on, maybe one day you will actually beat me in a game.”

My laughter got louder as he stomped away into the bathroom to get ready for the show. Once I heard the running water, I thought quietly at what he had let slip. He hadn’t stayed in school to get his qualifications. He wasn’t signed though until he was almost seventeen, so what had he done those two years essentially? The weird thing was that he had previously mentioned to me that he would have wanted to have been a physiotherapist or a lawyer and in order to do that, the person needs to have a degree. Now that I thought more about it, he never really talked about his upbringing. I shook my head before focusing once again to my phone as I scrolled through Facebook mindlessly. Soon Harry had stepped out wearing black skinny jeans, brown boots, and a navy shirt with the top three buttons left undone. It was his trademark look. I helped him slide up the wire of his in-ears through his top until the plastic devices were sitting over his shoulders for him to easily slip into his ears.

We both walked out not too long after and headed to behind the stage once more; he walked over to the lift that would put him onto stage. He strapped his electric around him and he slid his in-ears in. I gave him a thumbs up as he rose above us onto the stage. I walked around to the dressing room once again, deciding to watch the show from the couch where I would be comfortable. I sighed as I felt my body sink into the soft leather, I turned the television on and soon Harry was on the screen belting out lyrics along with playing very complicated riffs on his guitar. He really was a talented musician.

The difference in him on stage to when he isn’t had only now stricken me. On stage he just seemed alive, it’s weird. When he was not entertaining thousands of people, he actually seemed quite nervous and that shocked and confused me. It was like he had two different personalities almost. One was very loud and cheery, and the other was sad and nervous. Why was he like that? I stared at the screen as he ran around the stage, jumping up and down, reaching out to shake a couple of people in the audience’s hands. I may not have been a fan of his music, but spending so much time with him I had gained respect for his particular genre.

I already knew that he wrote most of his own songs but he had still not told me the reason why he didn’t record them all. There was obviously something stopping him, something that he does not want people to know about. I watched intently at the way his fingers would pluck away at the metal strings on his guitar, almost as if it was second nature to him and he had been doing it his whole life. I watched as his eyes brightened from mixed shades of green to a brilliant shade of emerald, he looked genuinely happy on stage. Without thinking much, I found myself staring at some of the signs that I could see.

I snorted out loud though as I spotted a girl holding a large banner saying ‘MARRY ME HARRY’ on it, how desperate can you get sweetheart? He is openly gay in the media; he wouldn’t date the opposite sex. I now noticed how his hair was a bit straighter than usual; it looked good to be honest. It was still sticking all over the place as I knew fine well that it was a mission to control his hair. I watched as the muscles in his back rippled underneath the skin from when his shirt rolled up a little bit, wait. Was I checking out my best friend? At this new epiphany, I started to notice some things about him that I had never noticed before.

Every couple of minutes he would lick his lips to get moisture back into them, in the process turning from a baby pink to rose-red. His eyes seemed to sparkle, how at ease he seemed even though he was currently on stage in front of over ten-thousand people currently. How one of his dimples indented deeper than the other, his slight lopsided grin that he always made when he was happy. There was definitely no denying it. Over the past three months I had developed feelings for Harry and not a friendship way. I was crushing and hard on the curly haired singer. I sank back down into the sofa and covered my face a little at this. I had laughed previously at the dating rumours between us and so had he, he obviously thought it was funny and yet here I was seriously crushing on him.

Would I even want to be in a relationship with him considering he works away from home eighty percent of the time? I snapped out of it when I heard the door opening, a very sweaty Harry standing in the doorway. He sent a small smile to me and this time I didn’t fail to notice the slight uptick in my heartbeat at the friendly gesture. Soon, I heard running water and I sank back into deep thought once more. He probably didn’t like me in that way however and to be honest- it hurt. It wasn’t long until I felt the sofa sink a little bit; I turned my head to face Harry who had a worried look on his face.

“Are you ok?”

I nodded lightly and we both got up, running back to the tour bus which he was taking up to Glasgow with him. Once we were inside, he turned to face me and biting his lip a little bit. His face was so close; I could smell the peppermint from his toothpaste, and his tangy cologne. I could feel his warm breath fan my face, the heat penetrating deep into the pores on my skin. It was only now that I noticed his hand was cupping my cheek lightly, his fingertips barely touching actually. He was still biting his lip lightly and I stared deep at the pink shade. I glanced up to look him in the eye again.

“Louis, can I try something?”

I furrowed my eyebrows at this not knowing what to think. That was until he inched closer, our faces dangerously close to each other now.

“Tell me to stop if you don’t want this Lou.”

He moved closer and pressed his palm against my cheek, our lips millimetres apart now. I gasped lightly out of nerves before I felt his soft yet slightly calloused lips meet mine. I was shaky and a little hesitant but I happily kissed back. I felt him smile lightly against my mouth as we sped it up a little; we were more or less biting each other’s lips by now. I won’t lie by saying that he didn’t taste good, he tasted of peppermint and it was wonderful. Before I could stop myself, I had pressed my tongue against where our lips met, he gasped loudly and I hesitantly slipped my tongue into his mouth.

He was panting lightly; I could feel each small breath that he took. I moved slowly, stretching my tongue around his mouth. After a few seconds, I felt him run his tongue along mine; I groaned lightly and gripped the back of his head and tangling my fingers into his hair. He hummed a little into the kiss and I felt the corners of my lips upturn a little at the sides. He continued to softly press his tongue against mine and soon I allowed him access. I moaned deeply as he manoeuvred the muscle around my mouth, stretching it around my mouth cautiously. He was a little more hesitant than I was but I could tell that he was not regretting this at all. I knotted my fingers even more into his hair so that my knuckles turned white and his toned arms gripped my back, pulling me closer so our chests were pressed against one another.

I could feel his slight stubble against my chin which shocked me; I had never noticed any stubble before. I could feel the soft skin of his cheek run against mine, barely touching but still there. I could now feel his hands snaking up my back and grip my shoulders tightly before he removed his tongue from my mouth. We still didn’t break the kiss however but our lips were moving considerably slower than they had been previously. After an awkward few seconds, I pulled away. I opened my eyes and looked up at him, bright emerald staring right back at me. I removed my hands from his hair and gripped his shoulders.

“Wow.”

He only nodded, with a rather dazed expression on his face.

“Wow.”


	9. Eight.

Numerous thoughts were running through my brain, all of which were scenarios. I had counted three times that I had opened my mouth to say something but the words got stuck in my throat and completely blanked from my memory quicker than deleting browsing history. I think that Harry was in exactly the same boat as he was also opening his mouth occasionally and his entire face was hardened but not in a bad way. It was more of a stern way like he was also in extremely deep thought. I kind of felt like all of the air had just been sucked out of the room yet I somehow still managed to breathe. A bit like I was stuck inside a maze and not knowing the way out yet knowing that there was indeed a way out.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed in which not a single word had been exchanged between the two of us. My mind just kept replaying the entire kiss in my mind even though it lasted no longer than five minutes. Harry’s lips felt like a mixture of silk and velvet, seemed to mould mine absolutely perfectly like a puzzle piece that had just been found after being missing for a very long time. The way that his large hand had cradled my cheek in such a caring and truly loving manner. These thoughts combined with this seemingly never ending silence between us was beginning to make my head explode. Since it was him that kissed me first, did that mean he liked me too in more than a friendship way? Or was it just as he said, simply trying something out? I didn’t want the solution to that being the latter option. It may have only been something like two hours ago since I had accepted that I had feelings for him, but somehow this felt different.

Then again though, I can’t really compare it to anything considering I’ve only ever been in one relationship previously. It must be wearing down on Harry similarly considering he’s told me he’s never kissed someone before which shocked me because normally a person’s first kiss is awkward and involved teeth clashing. That didn’t happen, it just felt completely natural. Almost like our bodies knew exactly how to react before we ourselves knew how to react. I know fine well that Harry would never be unfaithful because he’s just not like that but there was still that tiny amount of fear imprinted into me now that I knew would probably never go away. I don’t want to get hurt again because I know that it would severely fuck me up if I did. I heard a light cough from beside me and I snapped my head to the side to look directly at Harry. He looked back at me with an equally intense gaze. His lips were tightened a lot too which told me that he was most definitely thinking the same things as I was. I felt his palm softly envelop mine and squeeze just slightly in reassurance.

“We need to talk when we get back to the hotel.”

I nodded and squeezed his hand gently in response to this statement.

“Why don’t we speak just now?”

He looked my way before diverting his gaze to his lap once more. He seemed to be mumbling something under his breath but it was so quiet that I couldn’t make out what it was that he was saying. 

“I think this is a talk we need to have between ourselves and nobody else. Chris is on the bus right now, Louis.”

As these words sank in I nodded in complete understanding. I definitely didn’t want anyone else to be roped into this situation that Harry and myself have gotten ourselves into. It wasn’t a bad situation at all, just extremely awkward and what made it more awkward was that neither of us knew what was going to happen. It only seemed like seconds had passed but in reality was roughly thirty minutes considering the hotel we were going to be in was just outside the city. I breathed deeply as we slid out of the car and much to my surprise his location had not been leaked yet. Usually by now there is a minimum of twenty people waiting around outside but it was nice. Although deep down I kind of wish there were people here to stall the impending conversation between us both. Within a couple of minutes, we had entered the suite which had two separate beds in it along with an incredible view over Newcastle from a balcony. We both sat down on the large couch and subconsciously our hands intertwined once more. I bit my lip as I really didn’t know what it was that I wanted to ask so I eventually just asked the most obvious one;

“Why did you kiss me?”

He shut his eyes for a second before reopening them. He was breathing deeply as if he was trying to keep himself calm from something but I wasn’t going to prod into anything that isn’t my business. He’s probably just as scared and nervous as I am right now. He turned his head and looked me deep in the eyes. Despite all of the conflicting thoughts that were whizzing around my head currently; I found my eyes darting to his plump lips and I also caught Harry doing the same.

“Is it not obvious why I kissed you Louis? I like you; more than a friend. I had no idea if you felt the same though so I didn’t say anything. But we were just so close and I couldn’t stop myself from leaning in. I desperately wanted a taste of your lips and I needed to know if my feelings were somewhat reciprocated.”

He cut off after that which confused me. He stiffened up greatly as if he was fighting some kind of battle inside his mind but I had no idea what over. He seemed to just ignore it though and brush his shoulders off and to be honest this only confused me more. Why did he just act like that? Despite this quick analysis over his body language, I nodded to myself because I knew he was not going to tell me. If he doesn’t want to talk about whatever it is then I’m not going to force him to talk about it. He will tell me when he is ready to tell me. It was only now that I realised he was staring directly at my face awaiting my response. I licked my lips a little and bit the tender skin softly as my answer replayed over and over in my head.

“I have feelings for you too Harry. I didn’t realise myself until a few hours ago but I quite simply cannot deny that I’m attracted to you. Definitely in more than a friendship way.”

He leaned over now and covered most of his face with his palms, his elbows pressing into his knees. Before I could stop myself, I had wrapped my right arm around his shoulders and pulling him close to me. I watched slightly transfixed as he dampened his lips once more and bringing out their true colour.

“So what happens now then? I think it would be a bit too awkward to just be friends after this.”

I nodded once more, the thought lingering in my mind. I don’t want to lose him as a friend but there is nothing in life if chances are not taken. This is a big chance for both of us that we were understandably terrified to grab a hold of but for different reasons. It would be dodgy to date him, not because I do not trust him because I trust him massively. It’s because he is so famous. Would I be able to just slot into that lifestyle? Would I be able to handle all of the attention, lights, and lies? Even though Harry did not say anything, I knew he was thinking exactly the same things that I was. He turned around and gently pulled me in for a tight hug, I sighed whilst burying my face into the side of his neck. I closed my eyes and breathed in the strong scent of peppermint whilst he gently rubbed my back. After a minute I pulled away and looked at him again.

“Would you even want to- “

I didn’t even get to finish my question because Harry seemed to know exactly what it was I was going to say before the words had left my lips. 

“Would you be able to cope with all of the attention, Louis? If we come out as a couple it isn’t going to be pretty. I don’t want to see you get hurt and I know that you don’t want to get hurt by what people say either.”

I sank back once more into the couch, allowing myself time to really consider this whole situation I was now roped into. He was hesitant on getting with me on a relationship basis because of my own safety. It was really nice to know that he was so protective of me. I know that we would get a heck of a lot of unwanted attention if we were actually in a relationship with each other, and to be honest that terrified me. As I thought more into it, I came to a startling revelation. Some girls chased after Harry thinking that he was not serious about his sexuality; a relationship would confirm it was true. It could seriously damage his career and then he would be unemployed. I realised he was still awaiting my answer and despite all of the cons that were slightly heavier than the pros, I knew that I would be able to handle it. It would just take some getting used to.

“I could, Harry. Handle the pressure that is.”

I felt his fingers toy lightly with mine, I spread them and I smiled when he laced his hand in mine, clasping tightly. From that simple gesture I knew what it was that he was trying to say, he wanted this. Hesitantly I gripped his shoulder lightly and forced him to look directly at me instead of from the side. He smiled a little, just enough for his dimples to indent into his cheeks.

“I know that you can Louis, I just wanted to hear it from you.”

He gave my hand a tight squeeze considering our palms were still intertwined together, my other hand still on his shoulder. I moved my free hand up a little until it came to the nape of his neck and he wrapped his free arm around my back loosely. We both leaned in a bit closer but we didn’t kiss, just rested our foreheads against each other so we could look into one another’s eyes.

“Do you want this, Harry?”

I already knew the answer from his body language but I wanted to hear it spoken in words. For me, hearing something spoken always makes everything seem a lot more real. He chuckled lightly and gave me another smile.

“Would this answer your question?”

I furrowed my eyebrows lightly but I realised exactly what he meant as his lips gently moulded against mine for what I assumed to be a small peck. I reciprocated it for a few seconds before pulling away once more and he did too only to rest his forehead against mine once again.

“Of course I want this, Louis.”

I nodded a little and pulled my face a bit further back so I could really analyse his expression. I was only left confused though at all of the conflicting emotions that were running through his face. His eyebrows were still furrowed tightly, his lips were tightened and his nostrils were flaring a little bit. He wasn’t angry because I’ve seen him angry before and he was terrifying. Right now he wasn’t which immediately contradicted the emotion in question. I could tell he wasn’t upset either as his face was too stern. I could tell that he was happy but I could see that there was something on his mind. I didn’t really want to prod into it but I could tell that he had something on his mind. 

“Are you ok, Harry?”

He smiled a little bit but it wasn’t fooling me anymore. Not many people know Harry well enough in order to fully analyse him but now that I had I kind of wish that I hadn’t. He wasn’t as happy as he wanted to be but again I wasn’t going to prod into it. It is his life and if he wants to tell me then he can tell me. His life is none of my business at all.

“I’m fine, just trying to take all of this in. I mean a few months ago you were pretty much forced to take your sisters to my concert. Then Félicité decided to snoop around backstage and that was how we met. Then we got talking, became friends and now this- “

I sighed once again at just how fucked up the whole thing sounded. This was one crazy love story. I could see why he was making such a weird face now; it really was strange to think about the last three months. I had never given him the time of day before I got dragged to that concert. Then I realised he was a genuinely nice person and not the person he is perceived to be when he offered to let myself and Lottie sit backstage. We got talking, kept in touch, became very good friends, and now we were both admitting to liking each other as more than friends. Before I could stop myself, I laced my fingers with his once more before saying;

“We could always keep quiet on it for a while. Or at least we could try to, that is if we- “

I gave him a look whilst he sighed and finished my statement;

“End up together.”

I hummed a tiny bit in response. I looked around the room and soon my eyes had landed on the clock, widening as I realised that it was nearly 2A.M., it was a good thing that Harry had the day off that would consist of driving up to Glasgow. He was also finishing his mini-tour in two weeks, and a week after that I was starting my A-Levels. I would be throwing myself into studying as much as I possibly could and he would be recording for a few months for his second album. I shook my head before I asked;

“So what are we then? Just friends, close friends, a couple, friends with benefits- what?”

I gave him a confused look as he almost immediately burst into hysterical laughter. I repeated what it was I had said in my head and blushed crimson as I realised why. Friends with benefits- nice going Louis. He managed to calm down after about a minute, his hand rapidly running underneath his eyes to collect the tears that he had let out from laughing so hard. I decided right then that crying with laughter Harry was definitely my favourite. He turned to face me once more before asking;

“Would you like to be my boyfriend, Louis?”

I grinned a little before leaning in. I gave him a small smirk before repeating his words from earlier;

“Would this answer your question?”

I watched as his lips split open in another big grin, his dimples indenting even further if that was even possible. He got the hint and I leaned in to softly attach my lips to his. We moved slowly and carefully as this was new to the both of us. When we pulled away from each other, I realised how tired I actually was. He seemed to be exactly the same as he yawned loudly and his cheeks tinted red in embarrassment. We both got up and walked to either bed before pulling the covers over us, it wasn’t long until sleep overcame me. I wasn’t sure how long it was I had been sleeping when I first heard it. At first I thought it was just my dream but it quickly became apparent that this was not the case. I opened my eyes only to hear it again- a scream. Not a normal scream though, it was the kind that seeped directly to one’s bones and left the hairs on the back of your neck standing. I sat up and looked around trying to pinpoint what was making that noise before my eyes landed on Harry. He was still sound asleep but he was thrashing erratically and even from the space between us I could tell that he was sweating. I jumped out of my own bed and walked over to his side, tear stains both dry and new were coating his cheeks. I shook him a little but this didn’t work as his mouth opened widely and another ear-piercing cry came from his mouth.

“No, please no.”

He continued to murmur numerus other broken sentences under his breath that wasn’t loud enough for me to digest. He was still thrashing a lot on the bed. I shook him a little bit harder but this only seemed to make it a lot worse as he screamed out;

“Please don’t hurt me!”

I bit my lip before scanning the room for something that could wake him up quickly. My eyes landed on a half-full glass of water on the coffee table. I walked over and picked it up before positioning myself to run in case he got mad at me. My chest was clenching as I watched him have a nightmare that seemed way too graphic to comprehend before throwing the contents directly onto his face- not even caring about the wet pillows and cover. He sat up instantly, panting heavily, and tears still rapidly falling down his cheeks. What the fuck was he dreaming about? What was hurting him in it? I bit my lip once I realised his gaze was on me so I walked to his side once again slowly as I didn’t want to frighten him.

“It’s ok, Harry. It was a dream, and it’s not real.”

He gripped my arm tightly and he repeated what I said quietly. I realised I was shaking a little bit, that was terrifying to witness. This didn’t happen often, I had shared a room with him multiple times but from what I knew, he had never been plagued with nightmares. I stayed with him for a few more minutes until he had calmed down, I glanced at the time to see that it was only 5am, we still had two hours until breakfast. I was about to walk away when he spoke.

“Please stay with me, Louis.”

I smiled a little at the way he said my name but this disappeared as the way he had said the other words registered. His voice sounded broken, that was the only way that I could put it. The sort of voice a person would have after going through a serious heartbreak, after losing somebody they love. Who had he lost? Or was it just a horrible nightmare he had? Despite these thoughts, I wedged myself in beside him and pulled his back close to my chest. It wasn’t long until he was crying again, this time it was obviously out of relief. I softly rubbed his back for a few minutes until his tears had subsided- for now at least.

“I don’t deserve you.”

I looked at him as he said this, what did he mean by that?

“Everyone deserves a chance, Harry. If anything it is me who doesn’t deserve you and not the other way around.”

He turned around so that he was facing me and I tilted his face up a little with my hand. As I done so I felt my insides clench tightly once again at the silent tears that were falling from his eyes. A thought from yesterday came back to me- the two personalities one. Earlier when we kissed he was showing the more confident side, now he was showing me the shy side. The contrast was still shocking to me, and I realised something right then. Something happened to him, something disgusting. Was this ‘something’ his dream there? I shivered at the thought as his scream replayed over and over again in my mind. I soon managed to compose myself and replied;

“I’ll be here for you Haz, no matter what happens.”

I didn’t fail to notice another single tear fall from his eye. He nodded to show me he accepted my word. He licked his lips once more before quietly saying;

“My mum called me Haz.”

My breath hitched in my throat as those words left his lips. Now that I thought about it this was the first time he had mentioned his biological family to me and not the family that he was adopted into. I shivered a little as he had used past tense which told me he was either not in contact with his mum at all or it was the more likely option- his mum was dead. I didn’t openly voice these thoughts as I didn’t want to freak him out and instead softly ran my fingers along his cheek and lightly pecked his lips.

“That’s the first time you’ve mentioned your mum, you know.”

He froze on the spot which told me he wasn’t going to elaborate further. I could tell that something happened concerning his family with the way he was reacting currently, but what did happen? Why was it only now after three months of knowing each other that he finally told me something about his mum? A new revelation hit me as I came to another realisation. It wasn’t just his mum that something had happened with, it was his family, and this was why he had never mentioned either to me. I soon felt his breathing even out against my neck which told me that he had fallen asleep again but thoughts were running wild in my mind. It was staring me right in the face now. The confident Harry that I know is nothing but a mask, a shield. This was the real Harry. An eighteen-year-old who is broken and trusts very few people. What had actually happened to him? I shook my head; he would tell me when he was ready to tell me. With that conclusion, I found myself falling asleep once again.


	10. Nine.

Despite the numerous amounts of times that I had closed my eyes, I just couldn’t fall asleep. For the next two hours I was just dozing the whole time. Don’t get me wrong here because I wanted to sleep because then I at least could try to convince myself that it was all just a fucked up dream. But since this did not happen, then there was no way that I could lie to myself. This was a new kind of fear I felt and the only logical explanation I could think of as to why this was- was because I wasn’t afraid for myself. I was afraid for Harry’s sake. I kept trying to push the memory to the back of my mind so it would feel more like a product of my very overactive imagination but it was now imprinted deep inside- all of it hitting me directly in the face. 

I’ve witnessed a fair share of nightmares what with living with four younger sisters. I can’t even lie to myself because I’ve had a lot of nightmares myself. This was different though, very different. I genuinely had no idea what to think on the matter but I knew that deep down I would need to stick by Harry’s side. Whenever any of my sisters got a nightmare I was normally the first person into their bedrooms and would be calming them down since I was across the hall from them whereas our parents were upstairs. I tried to compare it to my previous assumptions to the matter at hand and it was pretty obvious that he did not have a normal nightmare. The girls would always wake up within seconds and after a moment of composing themselves they were perfectly fine once again. This wasn’t the case for Harry at all, if anything he seemed more terrified when he woke up than he did actually having it. On top of this he was having cold sweats and he was screaming so loud I’ll be surprised if he can still talk by the time he wakes up. I’d never seen him suffer like this and it only seemed to confirm the entire personality thing that I assumed was true. Even when we were only friends he had never spoken about anything like this.

It was very sudden when it finally hit me and I sucked in a sharp breath and moved my arm so I didn’t disturb Harry from his slumber. He needed sleep more than I do right now. Like I’m getting back to sleep, breakfast is in just over an hour so there wasn’t much of a point in it to begin with anyway. Harry had never shown any of these signs to me because he wasn’t entirely sure if he could trust me. He must have been taking some form of medication that forced him to sleep without suffering these vivid nightmares. From the way that he had reacted I knew that they were probably reoccurring but I didn’t know how often they occurred. It made sense now why Harry always made sure we had a different room and rarely shared, he obviously didn’t want to see me at a weak point. Now though, he had let that layer peel away to reveal just how raw he actually was. I suppose it was a bit like an onion really. Whenever the top layer is rotten, you can just peel it off and it looks somewhat new. 

That scream.

I’m pretty sure I had never heard anything so terrifying in my life before. This wasn’t an excited scream in any way that I’ve gotten used to what with Harry being a famous singer. It honestly sounded like his vocal chords were straining to escape his throat and his lungs were desperate to explode. It was an extreme comparison but to me that is what it was like. He just sounded so helpless and I think this also terrified me because he was helpless. It was his dream and it isn’t possible for someone else to waltz into a dream and change it somehow. No matter how much I would try and ignore it, there was no way that sound was leaving my memory- that was now permanently ingrained in my mind. I shivered a little bit before carefully sliding out of the bed and not to jostle Harry. Since I was clearly not getting to sleep, I may as well wake up and try to occupy myself in some way until the alarm goes off. Why had Harry never mentioned any of this beforehand? What was it that made it so difficult for him to trust and open up to people? I furrowed my eyebrows a little at this though- he was open with me when we met.

My mouth fell open as understanding dawned on me. Harry had let me in willingly because he wanted me to get to know him, but he didn’t want me to get to really know him. Whether that was just because he didn’t like people knowing or he just didn’t trust people in knowing I wasn’t sure. There was something there, that he was desperately trying to hide which until now he had succeeded in. I walked across the room, being careful in case any of the floorboards creaked. I sat down on a chair which was looking out of the window at the city that was Newcastle. I’ve only ever been here once before- but I was very young and I can’t remember it much. I can only remember moaning whilst my mum dragged me through all of the shops to look at baby clothes considering she was pregnant with Félicité at the time.

I smiled to myself as I remembered the incident which had allowed Harry’s and I’s paths to cross. I stared out of the glass in awe, the city lights were on in some places and others weren’t. It looked like a huge pattern of different coloured lights ranging from green to purple which I’m guessing was from clubs and bars. My hand reached up and gently touched the glass which was separating me from the outside world. For some reason, the tiny gesture was somewhat relatable. We were currently in this hotel room, hundreds of miles from home, and seemingly trapped inside a brick and glass cage from the outside world. Even though we weren’t caged in at all, with everything that had happened in the past few hours it sure felt like that. There was nobody else around but us and this only made me feel even more isolated.

Now that I thought about it, this was kind of how Harry’s had been acting. He himself was a long way from his own home in Cheshire. He had hidden a side of him away until he knew it was alright to let it all out. He felt trapped in all of this media stuff- or maybe something else that I don’t know about- yet he wasn’t actually trapped. It seemed to be me though that he trusted most out of people- even some of the people he works with I can tell aren’t close to him at all as a person. Harry felt like he only had me to be there for him. I was lost in thought for quite a while; I was still staring outside as the obsidian canvas which painted the sky gradually got lighter. Fading from black, to grey, and finally to a pale blue. I caught sight of some birds flying past the window as well which brought a smile to my face again. I wasn’t even aware of how much time had passed because it only felt like a few minutes but it was clear now that I had been completely lost in my own mind for nearly two hours.

I turned my head to look directly at Harry again. His body was tangled up in a large knot with the covers with one of his legs dangling off the edge, his mouth wide open and soft snores leaving him. His hair resembled somewhat like a bird’s nest and even then it still looked good. A happy feeling seemed to envelop me as I remembered the way that the gentle skin touched. The way it had felt as his velvety soft lips moulded gently against mine- both of us moving slow as it was a new thing to the two of us. Harry wasn’t just my friend anymore; he was my boyfriend. The happy thoughts were disposed of though at the way his voice had sounded hours ago, he didn’t sound at all like himself. Yes, his voice may have sounded the same but somehow it wasn’t the same. I wracked my mind for any sort of word that may have described it, but I quite simply couldn’t think of any that would explain what it was like. Never in my life have I heard a voice that sounded so hurt and torn apart.

He wasn’t like his with anyone from what I know of, but I could guess why. Harry wasn’t completely comfortable with people, or at least with people being close to him. For some reason though, he trusted me. He trusted me enough to try and learn to understand each little quirk about him. He trusted me to attempt to give him opinions that would guide him with whatever it was that was bothering him so much. I heard the annoying beeping noise from his alarm and I had to hold in an amused snort as he threw it at a wall- the device shattering in the process but shutting up in its annoying tune. A loud yawn broke out from the giant knot that was the covers and I glanced to him as his dishevelled body rose from the sheets. He rubbed his eyes for a little bit and before I could say anything he had walked into the en-suite. I could hear the water running telling me that he was either taking a shower or he was washing his face.

Somehow I knew that it was the second. He would want to remove all traces of what had happened and pretend like it had not happened. He had opened up a little bit to me, showed me a page in the book that was his life to me, yet not letting me see the whole contents. He wanted to take things slow and that I could most definitely understand. I got up from my seat and walked over to my opened suitcase and pulling out some clothes to wear. Just as I was pulling on my black skinny jeans, Harry walked out. I fixed my top before making my way into the bathroom adjoined to the suite we were both in to deal with my appearance. Ten minutes later and I entered the large centre space and I shook my head at seeing that he had indeed washed away every single tear stain from his face. He looked as though nothing had happened but I already knew that he was going to act like this so I don’t know what I was expecting. I wasn’t exactly going to let him get away with it though.

“Are you alright, Harry?”

I asked it a bit hesitantly and also bit my cheek from the inside in case he would freak out or break down like he did last night again. He looked at me and quirked his eyebrow up at me quizzically but I saw past the expression this time. He was obviously trying to make himself look confused so it would make me question whether it was me who’d had the graphic dream and not him. Now I knew to look into his eyes because it was always that emerald green that showcased what was really going on in his head. All I could see was panic and this confirmed that he was trying to change the subject.

“Of course I’m ok, Louis. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Even though I knew that it was coming, it was still different hearing the denial rather than anticipating the denial. I moved a little bit so I didn’t look like I was on to him. I made a light humming noise before asking;

“Do you remember anything at all? You woke up quite distressed.”

He froze for a split second but he shook it off very quickly. I probably wouldn’t have noticed it if I wasn’t looking for it. Harry was clearly used to this, pushing people away before they got too close that is. He’s had many years of practise at hiding all of his emotions. He puckered his lips a little bit and shook his head no, but I had now learned how to see past this. From another look in his eyes I could see the word lie written all over them. I knew that he wasn’t going to speak, but perhaps if I riled him up enough he might let something slip that might explain his behaviour here. It was almost like I was trying to learn his entire personality all over again. It was like I had been lied to even though I knew that this was not the case at all. Well, except right now but still.

“Are you sure? You didn’t seem like you were earlier- “

“I said I’m ok, alright?!”

I jumped a little bit at the threatening tone, not once have I ever seen him truly angry before. I wasn’t sure what it was that he was angry over though, but his exclamation there had startled me a fair amount. I knew then that I was not going to get anything else out of him today or anytime soon. Just as I was about to drop it though he had walked over and placed his hands on my shoulders. I glanced up at his face again, I noticed his bottom lip was quivering and his eyes were coated in a very thin layer of salty water.

“One day, Louis. I will tell you. I can’t just now though, I just can’t.”

Like that, tears were streaming down his cheeks once again. It was enough for me though; at least I now knew that he trusted me. He was simply not ready to tell me and I was perfectly fine with that. It showed me that he did trust me, but he wasn’t ready to open up to whatever it was that he was dreaming about. Once fact now stuck out in my mind now though. That was not a nightmare he had at all- that was a night terror. I had heard about them before, but I hadn’t ever witnessed one before. It certainly explained why it was so different to any bad dreams my sisters have ever had. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him, allowing his head to rest in the crook of my neck. I could hear his almost silent sobs which were instantly making me feel awful for prying into his private life. It was going to take time, but I am going to try my best with him. Whatever is going on, he has obviously not gotten over. There was something big eating him up inside and breaking him apart slowly in the process.

I would help him. I would help piece back together this broken boy who was now my boyfriend.

\---

My eyes widened as we pulled into the large hotel. I wasn’t sure if it was the building in question that caught my attention or the numerous Georgian style flats that lined it. Numerous shops that appeared to be in basements with only steel railings and marble steps leading down to them from the busy pavements. If I remembered correctly from Chris, then this was apparently the Hillhead area of the large city which was very close to the major streets. I had looked it up on my phone to see what there was here and hummed a little at seeing we were only a few minutes from a museum and two large parks. At least we could get to explore a little bit seen as we were here for a couple of days so we’d may as well make the most of it.

I snorted a little bit because as much as I would want to get some alone time with Harry what with our relationship being extremely new and all, but that quite simply was never going to happen. It doesn’t even surprise me anymore but I also cannot deny that it still gets on my nerves occasionally. Harry is so ordinary that it does suddenly strike me that millions of people know who he is all across the globe. Harry would clearly need a bodyguard with him if we do venture out of the hotel we were going to be staying in. 

Seen as this was only a miniature tour, the bus that had taken us up here from Newcastle had gone once again and we were being left with a familiar silver Mercedes. At least it wouldn’t look anywhere near as strange especially since I had come to realise that unlike the city that is London- red buses don’t seem to exist here. Once we hopped out I glanced around as I took in the architecture surrounding us and much to my surprise it was rather warm. It seemed the locals were enjoying it as well as numerous people were walking around in shorts and tank tops- or no tops at all. I even caught a group of four people casually strolling down the street completely topless which confused me a little bit. Harry seemed to notice what I was looking at and he burst out laughing, this caused a few funny stares but luckily nobody came up to us. 

“It’s very common here, Louis. For guys to walk around in large groups topless when the sun comes out that is.”

I scrunched my face up in amusement at this explanation, so far this city had amazed and weirded me out. I don’t know really whether or not that was a good thing or a bad thing but I wasn’t going to dwell on the matter. We had soon walked into the lobby of the hotel we were staying in and since Harry had registered under a fake name we weren’t bothered at all by people waiting outside. My eyes widened in shock as I took in the suite we were staying in for the next two nights. Like in Newcastle, there was a large window at the opposite end of the main room, what appeared to be a large park and behind it was some very fancy houses.

Since Harry’s concert here wasn’t until tomorrow, we had the rest of the day to ourselves. Harry seemed to have noticed me looking out at the rather large park because he had removed his phone and I heard him talking to Chris. I smirked a little bit, these past few months I had refused to let the large man live down the fact that my eleven-year-old sister had managed to sneak passed him. I decided to take a hoodie with me just on the off chance that it would rain- which was pretty high considering every part of this island is subjected to horrid weather. We had soon walked outside once again and now a couple of fans were standing outside the hotel. Since it was only the two of them, Harry happily stopped to sign autographs and take pictures- as well as promising them a follow on twitter.

After this, they walked away and left us to ourselves. I would take Harry’s hand but I wasn’t quite ready to announce that we were in fact a couple yet. We had only gotten together last night after all. He smiled at me as we walked- Chris giving us a suggestive smirk that wouldn’t look too out of place to onlookers but to us it was pretty obvious. Since he knew that we were both gay and he was so close to Harry, I knew he had already figured out that there was something going on now. Harry shot him a glare though and I had to stifle my laughter. Whereas Chris on the other hand, let out a loud barking laugh that certainly attracted a few weird stares.

The park we were strolling through wasn’t extremely busy, but it also wasn’t deserted either. It was just a nice medium of peace and quiet. It was strange though as nobody seemed to bother us. Of course we were getting a few odd looks thrown our way but they weren’t making a fuss about it which was different. The rest of the day we had ended up going to a café at the top of Byres Road. Harry had gone for a crêpe filled with bananas and chocolate whereas I had gone for a ham and cheese croissant. Once we had finished our food we decided to take a stroll through Kelvingrove Museum. On the way there I had managed to get quite an amazing picture of the place. It was a little after 7pm when we got back to the hotel. It was now that I received an incoming call which turned out to be my mum. I talked to her for a good ten minutes and letting her know that I was ok. Once I had hung up, Harry and I just looked at each other before flopping down onto our respective beds. I turned to face him and gave him a look; he sent me a similar look in return. I felt his hand behind my head, I placed mine on his cheek and we didn’t hesitate at all to gently connect our lips.


	11. Ten.

Everything was a rush, and it was nothing short of absolute chaos. I had expected that we would both be able to get somewhat of a lie in considering Harry was supposed to not have anything scheduled for the morning or early afternoon but it turns out there was a mix up in dates. Hence why I was currently in the bathroom attempting to wring all of the water out of my clothes and hair after Chris very unceremoniously emptied a basin full of freezing cold water onto the two of us in our respective beds. It had certainly jerked me from a deep sleep and I may have flipped him off (which he found hilarious) before the entire suite filled up with at least ten other people. 

So much was happening in such little time that I didn’t exactly have any time to stop and ask what it was that was going on. I was only getting more and more confused as Lou told Harry to sit down so she could fix his hair. I had to chuckle in amusement though as someone walked over with a makeup brush in hand- Harry’s face immediately contorting into one of complete horror. He absolutely hates makeup but right now it was clear that nobody was going to take no for an answer and he just had to deal with it. A few calculated strokes later and the few spots that were visible on Harry’s skin were hidden from view. I watched as Lou struggled a little bit and I can’t really blame her considering Harry’s hair is very wild and does not like to be tamed in any way, shape, or form. Eventually she managed to get it into some kind of quiff so it was out of his face. I had to hide a smile as she let a very triumphant look overtake her features.

A few more minutes of constant bustling went on and this was only confusing me even more, what the fuck was going on? Clearly it is something big otherwise all of this bother wouldn’t be worth anything. It was still early too, only 10am and it was definitely a far cry from the long sleep I had been craving the last few days. As soon as it calmed down a little bit I asked someone what was going on and I finally got the answer that I was desperately wanting right now. Harry had been scheduled for an interview but something went wrong in the scheduling which meant that there wasn’t a lot of preparation beforehand. Hence why everyone was running around a bit like headless chickens.

I gave up at attempting to wring all of the water from my hair and instead just left it so it could air dry once we get outside. I’d gotten the majority of it out which was a lot better than nothing. The same could not be said about what I was wearing so with a grunt I changed my outfit. I noticed a few people were wearing jumpers of some kind which told me that it was probably rather chilly outside but I decided to just chance it anyway by wearing a bog standard top. I’ll just bring a jacket if it is too cold. I glanced outside anyway to try and analyse the weather the best that I could and I frowned at noticing it seemed like a nice day. Then again though, I think by now to never judge something before experiencing it.

I grabbed my phone now from my bedside table since I had had it on charge for the whole night before haphazardly shoving it into my pocket. I also picked up my earphones so I could have something to occupy me when Harry is doing his interview which I’ll probably watch from the side. I froze a little now as I thought. Almost every interview Harry has he is getting asked about his love life and whether or not he is seeing or dating someone. We haven’t really sat down to properly talk about us being together and whether or not we should tell people. Right now, I most certainly do not want to tell anyone that we are together yet because I would like to see how this relationship works first before coming out officially. 

Just as I was about to slide my phone out to play a game in order to pass the time, I felt a stern look being thrown my way. I turned to face whoever it was only to see Lou who was pointing to a chair. I frowned as I understood what she meant. Harry appeared just as confused and I let out a small yelp as she grabbed my arm and sat me down. I gave her a look but someone else in the room answered the question that was formulating in my head currently;

“Management thinks it will be a good idea for them to interview you as well, Louis.”

At this, my head snapped up as Harry’s also darted to face me. The shock was apparent on his face which told me he didn’t know anything about this either and he was now also thinking about us. Why do they think I should get interviewed? I’m just a soon-to-be college student who isn’t anything special. When I finally realised why they clearly wanted me to be interviewed was to essentially deny the rumours that we are together. At the moment that is all it is, only Chris knows that we are actually together. I hadn’t even told Chad nor Olly yet and to be fair I honestly had no idea if I even wanted to tell them because then I will immediately become the topic of a lot of inside jokes. Well, this is going to be absolutely fantastic.

Note the sarcasm.

Harry and I had already agreed to keep our relationship secret for a little while- until we were both ready to confirm it ourselves. I know that I’m going to have a part of my personal life prodded in to and it is clear that there is no loophole that will allow me to escape it. Whenever the rumours spread about us, I would normally bite my tongue and refuse to speak about it. Even though I was not looking at Harry, I knew that he was thinking similarly. It wasn’t going to be easy to try and dodge any romance questions seen as we are now romantically involved with one another and I wasn’t ready for that. Almost an hour had gone by before we were both being shoved down into the lobby and into the waiting can which Chris was driving. Everyone else had left a few minutes before to do whatever it is they actually do. The windows were once again blacked out so I knew that it was ok for me to slither my hand across to slip it into Harry’s. He squeezed a little bit in reassurance for what was going to happen.

“If I knew Louis, I would have told you. I’m sorry about dragging you into all of this.”

I gave him a quick look before focusing on the streets which were whizzing past us on our journey to an unknown location. No one was going to risk Harry’s location being leaked online so we hadn’t been told anything. 

“You can’t feel responsible for something that you didn’t know yourself until about an hour ago, it’s alright.”

He smiled a little bit at me which did somewhat reassure the nerves which were threatening to bubble over in my stomach and completely take over my body. I’m not even going to deny it considering the only interviews I have ever had were for possible jobs. This was something completely new to me and I wasn’t entirely sure whether I was more scared or excited about it. This was an interview that was going to be listened in on by millions of people, I don’t know who it is that is broadcasting it- the only piece of information that I knew was that it was a popular show in the area.

“So, what exactly is going on with the two of you then? Also, did you enjoy your wakeup shower?”

My reaction was almost instantaneous. A bit of a grin immediately turning into a scowl. This didn’t last for long though before the corners of my lips were turning up and a small laugh escaped me. Chris might possibly be one of the most annoying people I’ve met but he is downright impossible to dislike. I glanced down to my lap though in a bit of embarrassment because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him even though he already knew by observing our body language. I bit my lip and was about to say something but Harry had already beaten me to it;

“We’re together, Chris. But we want to keep it to ourselves for a bit, so please do not tell anyone.”

I turned to face him and gave him a small smile which he didn’t hesitate to return. Now that I was looking at him I could see what exactly had been done to him look wise during the madness that was this morning. They had added makeup to his face in a strange way which had given the illusion of higher and more prominent cheekbones. His dimples seemed a bit darker which only made them pop even more whenever he smiled, and he also looked a little tanned. It wasn’t overdone at all, but it had also made him look completely different. 

“It’s alright kids, I can keep your secret and not tell anyone. I’m not stupid because I’ve known you’ve both liked each other for weeks now.”

The blush from the embarrassment was instantaneous and Harry made a short squeaking noise in surprise. I would have laughed at it and said something along the line of him secretly being a mouse of some kind but I was too surprised to say anything. Were we really being that obvious? I sure as hell hope that we weren’t and Chris had only noticed because he knows us both well by now. Soon, we were pulling into an alley which was obviously behind some large building. I fixed my jacket around my shoulders, I was suddenly extremely nervous. I felt Harry’s fingers trail across my cheek which made me look at him again, I was taken aback by how close he was to me- I could feel his warm breath fanning against my face. I leaned in a little and gently pecked his lips before resting my forehead against his.

“It will be ok, Louis. I’ll be here.”

I gave him a tight-lipped smile before we slid out of the car, the cold breeze hitting me square in the face. It was a good thing that I didn’t judge the weather with how nice it looked after all then. Chris led us all over to another burly man who seemed to inspect us for a few seconds before nodding and letting us in the back. I felt Harry give me another reassuring squeeze on my hand before we made our way through the complicated halls. We had dropped our clasped hands the second we walked in pretty much to avoid any questions by people- also from annoying paparazzi who could be sitting in that back alley somewhere. We had to be extremely careful with this relationship if we didn’t want it to be out there just yet.

Chris led us into a room now and I realised this must be where the interview was being held if the couches, lights, and fancy cameras were anything to go by. I furrowed my brows now as I finally understood why were bustled around to look presentable this morning- this was being filmed. We walked by a body-length mirror and I took in the opportunity to see what exactly it was they had put on my face when I was wrestled into that chair. My eyes widened as I took in my appearance.

I looked good, really good. They had done a similar make-up trick with me and had made my jaw and cheekbones extremely defined. They had also seemed to make my irritating teenage skin disappear essentially but had kept me looking natural. The way that the light hit my face only making the shadows deeper and for once I felt genuinely good about myself. I hadn’t really opened up about the more mental damage with James. For a long time, he had said some really stupid shit that over time I actually started believing. That I was worthless, ugly, nothing special. For the first time in over a year though, I didn’t feel like it was either of these things. I jumped a little bit when I felt a hand gently rest on my shoulder. I turned back and saw a young woman, definitely no older than thirty with a small box-like thing and some wires. I have her a funny look and I heard Harry’s laugh echo from beside me. I glanced at him to see he had similar wires attached to him. He seemed to notice my confusion though.

“It’s alright, Rachel; I’ll fix these for him.”

She nodded and walked over to behind the cameras, pressing numerous buttons that I would probably never understand.

“This is the microphone, Louis. Saves us from passing one to each other throughout this which would probably be rather annoying after a couple of minutes.”

My mouth fell open a little bit and nodded, this whole set up finally making sense to me. I shuffled a bit as he attached the box onto the back of my jeans, high enough so that I wouldn’t feel it when I sat down. He then proceeded to slide the wires up my back until they were peeking out of my shirt. Harry signalled to his ear and I noticed he had one attached, he then pointed to one of the two wires and I nodded in understanding. I took a hold of it and attached it to my ear like Harry had done. It wasn’t uncomfortable really, but it still felt extremely weird that was for certain. 

We both sat down and I uncomfortably fidgeted a little bit at how nervous I actually was about this, Harry saw right through the whole façade and gently squeezed my shoulder a little bit. Soon another woman sat down, I glanced around the room to see Rachel behind one of the cameras again- so she clearly was not the one conducting the interview. I licked my lips a little bit but the woman smiled at me in reassurance- she had obviously noticed that I was rather uncomfortable. I crossed my legs and bounced them a little when she began asking questions as a way to distract myself from being so nervous. After a few had been asked I had started to get used to the whole thing and I wasn’t quite so nervous anymore. I even started making a few jokes in between which had caused a few laughs in the room. The nerves came back as she asked the next question though;

“So, there are a lot of rumours flying around that the two of you are more than friends, are any of these true?”

I bit my tongue and looked at Harry, not knowing what to say at all. He turned to face me before looking at the interviewer once again and replying;

“We are only friends; rumours will be rumours.”

Even though I knew that he was lying, it still hurt to hear him say it like that. He had said it so casually and bluntly that it actually sounded like he thought that this relationship wasn’t anything special. I knew now though that Harry was extremely good at hiding things, the whole night terror fiasco still imprinted into my mind. I looked in his eyes once again and I silently cheered in my mind when I realised that he was lying. This relationship was real, and we both wanted to take time in order to figure everything out first. The interview lasted almost an hour in total, I had actually enjoyed it but I was also very glad that it was over. At least now we could do something- oh fuck. Harry had a show tonight. I checked the time as we were leaving and I noticed that it was a little after two. At least we had a few more hours to do whatever we want though which was a lot better than nothing.


	12. Eleven.

A day passed, then two, and before I really knew it a week had passed. Seven days of being on tour with Harry and getting to really see what his life was like with my own eyes. It had all gone by a huge blur and it was as if I had just blinked and the calendar had skipped the days. I could now kind of see why some singers go a bit crazy and feel so cut off from everything, because I felt like that and I was only a spectator. Now though, Harry had jetted off to Belfast to repeat the same kind of routine in Ireland for promotion of some kind. Whereas I was now in a car travelling back to London from Manchester. It wasn’t a terribly long journey, maybe three-and-a-half hour’s tops if we stick to the motorway and the traffic isn’t too bad. I would have gone with him but with me now only having a week until college started, I wanted a few days to myself in order to chill out and relax.

However, confusion had soon clouded my thoughts once again. Confusion over the rather odd behaviour that Harry was now sporting. I had never seen someone’s mood shift so drastically even when my mum had mood swings with her pregnancies. I did honestly feel like I was getting to know him all over again from the very beginning- learning an entire new side to him that I didn’t know existed until now. A piece of him locked up in a cupboard somewhere that was very rarely let out to run around. Was I perhaps just overanalysing the entire situation? It wouldn’t surprise me if I was considering I’m known to have a wild imagination and to jump to the most ludicrous assumptions instead of the most logical. I shook my head a bit and leaned back into the comfy leather seat again. I shut my eyes which wasn’t a very wise idea as soon as familiar scream was echoing in my mind.

In the past week excluding the first, Harry had three of those night terrors. I’m not even sure if they were night terrors considering I know fuck all about them but I just had a feeling in my gut telling me that they were not regular nightmares. I had looked around the hotel rooms we were in in search of some kind of medication that would have allowed him to sleep soundly beforehand- but I came up empty handed. There was nothing which made me question whether this was normal for him and he was just used to it. Despite this creating a weird feeling in my stomach, I knew that he was used to it. There is no way that someone who’d had such graphic dreams could wake up and just get on with the day like it was nothing. Even though Harry was always terrified when he awoke, the second he realised that it wasn’t actually happening he was back to his normal self.

I really need to talk to someone else about all of this that is not Harry and definitely not Chris. 

What could even happen to someone in order for them to end up like this? It was obvious that Harry wanted to keep it from me, but he also wanted me to know. He can try to deny it all that he wants but I know that he wants me to see him like few other people see him. There is most likely that there is someone out there who knows it all and I would bet that it was the adopted brother. I don’t even know his name nor where he lives, Harry doesn’t really talk about him and this made me question if something had happened between the pair of them. He’s heavily guarded by a number of layers that I do not know. He’s built up these walls around him that prevent people from getting close to him so he cannot get hurt in any way. I’d managed to tear down one of these walls but I still had a lot to get through in order to see just who the real Harry Styles was. 

I smiled a little bit at this though. It might not be much at all but it was definitely a beginning and I considered myself victorious over this. I looked out of the window to see that we were still on the motorway. I groaned a little bit before removing my earphones from my pocket and slipping them into my ears. I put the music on shuffle and just decided to relax the remainder of the journey. I watched completely transfixed as everything sped past us, none of it ever staying long enough in order for me to process what it was. Even this related to the whole enigma that was Harry. His untimely mood swings which only lasted a second- if it was even as long as that. Changes in his demeanour that only made everything difficult to understand.

It wasn’t long however until the horrible thoughts had disappeared from my mind though- for the time being anyway. Hopefully they stay away for a good few hours though because there is no need in simply speculating everything which is what I had been doing the past week. I could be proven wrong with every suspicion so I just concluded to let it all play out and let Harry tell me himself in his own time. It was a little tearful this morning between the two of us this morning when he went to catch his flight which was extremely cheesy considering we have only been dating for a week. We had been friends for a few months though so it wasn’t only just losing a boyfriend; it was losing a best friend for a few days. He was only in Ireland for five days anyway, so it wasn’t too bad. As soon as he goes back on tour again though it is going to be a lot more difficult to remain in contact.

We had exchanged multiple kisses in the back of the van that Chris was once again driving. We didn’t need to worry about this seen as he was the only person who knew what was really happening between us right now. He had made plenty of disgusted faces and gagging noises at us and we may have taken it upon ourselves to only make him even more uncomfortable. I’m going to come clean to my immediate family though when I get home because I would rather tell them myself and not have them hear it from rumours or through a picture online. I was scared however about everyone’s reactions considering the terrible breakup I had last year.

I really need to get a grip of myself.

Up until I had met Harry, I had paid very little attention to my dickhead ex at all. For some reason, a part of him reminded me of James. A loud bang startled me though and I jumped in fright. I looked outside to see we were on my street in front of my house; the driver was currently pissing himself laughing at succeeding to frighten me which made me scowl lightly. Maybe I should probably learn his name so that I don’t simply have to refer to him as ‘the driver’ everywhere I go. I got out of the car and pulled my suitcase from the boot, giving him a wave as he drove away.

I walked up the path, peace ringing in my mind. At least I have a few days to collect all of my thoughts before coming face to face with the guy that I have fallen deeply for. I do care a lot for him, but he just irritated and confused me on so many levels. Especially over the past week. Was it only now that I was looking for anything strange that I was noticing all of this? Or was he really trying to hide it all from everybody? I opened my door and stepped into the house and a delighted look took over my face as I noticed who it was who was standing there.

“Mark!”

I immediately dropped my suitcase in the hall before running over to wrap my step-dad into a tight hug. It had been a couple of months since I had last saw him in the flesh as he had been on even more business trips than usual as of late. We soon got out of the embrace before walking into the living room once I had brought my suitcase into the kitchen. I had only opened the door and I was suddenly winded as a pair of arms wrapped tightly around my body. I knew instantly that it was my mum and I laughed a little and returned the tight hug. I stayed there for a few seconds before pulling away and saying with a little laugh;

“I was only gone for a week, mum.”

She slapped my shoulder in response at my comment which made Mark chuckle lightly at the encounter. He shook his head lightly before proceeding to pull on his coat. I quirked up my eyebrow in confusion but he seemed to understand what it was I was silently asking him;

“Meeting a couple of friends down the pub, not been able to have a lad’s afternoon for a few months.”

A broad grin erupted onto my face along with a laugh, fair enough. Soon the tell-tale sound of a car pulling out of the gravel driveway was heard. I sat down on the couch, my mum offering me a hot drink which I very happily accepted. It was only now that I realised how tired I actually was, I have no idea how the hell Harry manages to wake up so early and work such long hours for his job. Then again, it is a job that he loves. That much was clearly obvious. My mum sat down and handed over my cup which I carefully took in case I burnt my fingers because that was never fun. I shivered a little at feeling the hot tea blend running down my parched throat and heating me up in the process.

“So, how did it go?”

I looked up at her and I had to resist the huge eye-roll at seeing she was wiggling her eyebrows at me with a small grin on her face. Despite managing to hide this however, I failed at stopping the blood from rushing to my cheeks and tinting them pink. She paused for a second as she took in the small sign as usually whenever my mum said anything like this I would laugh it off or retort with some comment laced with sarcasm. I looked away in an attempt to hide my furious blush over the fact that Harry was my boyfriend now and not just my friend anymore.

“When did this happen then? Don’t deny it Boobear, I know you too well.”

The use of the old nickname immediately caused my face to get even hotter and I covered a fair bit of it with my palms to hide from her. She chuckled lightly at my reaction because she knew that I absolutely despised the nickname that she had oh so kindly bestowed upon me as a toddler. She knew how to get immediately to the point though without irritating me too much. She was my mum though; she knows me the best out of everyone. I glided my tongue across my lips before saying a bit quieter than usual;

“The night we left, we were in Newcastle. I was just sitting backstage in his dressing room and watching the show on the television in there. I’m not sure exactly what happened but I realised that I had feelings for him. Once we were back on the tour bus though he asked if he could try something and he kissed me.”

A long ‘awww’ escaped her lips at this. Looking back on it now I realised just how cheesy the whole thing was but I also wouldn’t have wanted it to happen in any other way. It may not have happened fast between us, but it didn’t happen slowly either. I remembered the way his lips had softly moulded against mine. He may have been very hesitant much like myself, but the kiss was still so passionate and soft. I realised that I had trailed off on my previous statement so I continued;

“When we got back to the hotel suite, we just talked. Talked for at least an hour and he confessed to having feelings for me too and yeah.”

\---

I rolled my eyes and grunted before proceeding to grab a pillow and chuck it at Chad once more. I had stayed at home with my mum for a few hours but I had soon decided to catch up with my best friend. It might have only been a week since we had last seen each other but for us that was a long time. Of course it is different with Olly living abroad, but with us living so close to each other we tended to spend time with each other at least every second day. Although right now, I was seriously regretting telling him that Harry and I were no longer friends and were a couple. 

I didn’t even tell him, he just started making stupid remarks once again and one had like with my mum- caused my face to heat up in embarrassment. Within a few seconds he had figured out what exactly it was that had been going on and he was now making wolf whistling noises at me every couple of minutes. I laughed loudly as the pillow hit him straight in the face, knocking him off balance for a few seconds. I suppose it was a good thing that Chad had his own flat as it meant that we could be as weird as we wanted to be and nobody would give a fuck since they could not see us.

Chad’s flat may have been small, but it had an incredible view over the River Thames which was amazing for whenever there was a fireworks display. It was also conveniently placed considering it was extremely close to a tube station that went directly into the city centre. It made it simpler for him if he needed to do an emergency food shop or whatever. I was taken out of my thoughts when I felt something hit me in the face again which caused me to give Chad a deadly look in jest before stating;

“This is war.”

For the next hour we fought, neither of us refusing to back down. Once we had gotten bored with the pillows, we had moved onto food, then to juice, and finally to shaving cream. I probably looked like a giant McFlurry right now with all of the weird shit that was covering my body currently. We had soon stripped off and changed, Chad throwing our covered clothes into the washing machine. I bit my cheek a little, hoping that it might block up and that way his kitchen would be covered. That would be a hilarious thing to witness as Chad as a whole hated cleaning as it was.

It wasn’t long until we had both decided to order Chinese food. Seen as the shop we had ordered from was only at the end of the street it had only taken ten minutes to arrive. I bit my tongue in a horrific attempt to keep my laughter in at the look the delivery guy was giving the two of us. Whether it was disgust at how lazy we were when it would have taken a few more minutes to walk there and back, or because of the state of the corridor I was not entirely sure. Once the door had closed though, we both just looked at each other before we broke into hysterical laughter once again. I was literally clutching my stomach with one hand and using the other to balance myself against the wall.

“Did you, see, his face?”

Chad’s exclamation only brought on another round of howling laughter. It only stopped when the unmistakable sound of a hiccup broke in. I was still clutching my stomach but this time in pain- I’m pretty sure I may have cracked a few ribs there from laughing so much. I picked the food up from the floor- silently glad that we had put it down before our laughter fest and brought it into the living room whilst Chad walked into the kitchen to get plates. We were both trying our best to avoid eye contact because we knew that it would only cause us to laugh more, but it was good though. It helped take my mind off the boy with a heavily layered shell who I’m now in a relationship with. I sighed a little bit at this though, so much for trying to not think about it. Chad seemed to have noticed my change in attitude because he asked;

“Are you alright? You seem quite- upset?”

I could tell that he didn’t know what word to use in order to describe what I must currently look like. I hadn’t voiced any of my concerns to my mum, but I know that I had to tell someone before it really started to get to me. The entire situation is already confusing me enough as it is right now.

“It’s about Harry, Chad.”

His eyebrows knitted together now in deep thought. Even though it might not seem it the majority of the time, but Chad could be very serious and an amazing comfort when needed. I would know, I’ve had a lot of personal experiences with that. I carefully pondered over my thoughts before saying;

“There’s something he isn’t telling me Chad. It isn’t something small either, it’s big. He was acting strange the whole week but it only seemed to be me who noticed it. If anyone else did, they didn’t bat a single eyelash his way.”

His head jolted back at this, his lips curling in. I fought down the chuckle that was desperate to escape at his very comical confused face. It did look extremely stupid but this was anything but stupid. This was extremely serious. 

“What exactly do you mean, Louis? Did you see something that you weren’t supposed to or something?”

At this, I bit my lip and slowly nodded. Thinking back to the whole night terror thing. I didn’t really want to play off Harry’s private life, but I know that this would continue to bug me until I could not hold it in anymore.

“He had this nightmare Chad. He had a few but it was so horrible.”

His face contorted into an even more comical look now, his bewilderment only growing as he tried to think about what it was that was going on.

“I don’t think it was a normal nightmare, Chad. I think it was one of those night terrors that some people talk about- in fact I’m certain it was one of those. He screamed Chad, and I mean screamed like his whole life depended on it. He was thrashing erratically too and it scared the living shit out of me. He was yelling stuff like “Please don’t hurt me” and “No” over and over again. He had another three throughout the week; they were obviously vivid because he was waking up in cold sweats and everything. He wouldn’t even calm down for quite a while when he did wake up screaming. I’ve never known that to happen to someone, Chad. Even worse, he denied them. Just shrugged me off and told me that he would tell me one day and he just couldn’t tell me then.”

The palm of his hand was now covering his mouth and the majority of the bottom half of his face in shock. Trying to process everything that I had just told him. He was scanning my face in a similar manner to how I had scanned Harry to see if he was lying or not about the entire thing. It grew so quiet in the room that I even heard Chad gulp down a wad of saliva in his throat. 

“He didn’t give any indication what it was about? Not even a hint?”

I shook my head in the negative.

“No, he didn’t. He tried to deny them at first but I prodded a bit deeper and he just broke down into tears. Chad, I don’t know what it is but I know one thing for certain. The Harry that people see is not the real Harry. There is something that he is hiding from the world.”


	13. Twelve.

Whenever people had told me previously that speaking what is on one’s mind made everything more real than it was previously I used to laugh. However, right now I was now once again a contradiction to my own previous thoughts. It’s weird, it is kind of like I was learning a lot of things without meaning to and it in turn was turning me into a whole new person. I could already feel it in me, that I was no longer the same eighteen-year-old that I was four months ago. It wasn’t even a bad change at all, it was definitely a good change because I was beginning to learn a whole other side to everything. Everything that has been going on recently has really made me sit back and realise that there are two sides to every single story and not just the one. 

The next few days passed in a blur but this time it wasn’t because I was too lost in my own thoughts. This time it was because I had actually been extremely busy. My mum had been taking on more shifts than usual and Mark had once again went on another business trip. At least this time he was only in Leeds for it instead of abroad like he usually was. Therefore, I was left alone with all of my sisters and it was a handful to put it lightly. I wasn’t going to complain however, because some people never speak to their families and others see theirs very rarely. I was lucky that I got to spend so much time with my siblings even if they do severely piss me off to nothing else. 

It did suck however that I had to do everything myself. I don’t think either of the girls noticed that our parents had been working a lot more often than they usually do. Since I was paying attention to it though, that fact was pretty apparent to me. I wasn’t going to ponder too deeply into it because the only thing I’ll achieve by doing that is getting a massive headache. They were probably only working more in order to bring more money into the household. If we could live without worrying about being in debt, then I was perfectly fine with standing in to look after them all. 

The day after this happened, Chad had dragged me outside so that he could shop for new clothes. At least he didn’t need to worry about money issues considering he had inherited a rather hefty sum from his wealthy grandparents when they died. He was one of the very few people who had been in foster care who had some form of financial crutch and therefore didn’t need to worry about being homeless. It was how he could very comfortably afford the £1,700 monthly rent on his flat yet not struggle too much. I felt bad for him though as he is not in contact with either of his parents. Despite his dad being innocent, he was still being kept under a high security cell and his mum was probably still in a mental home somewhere. It was difficult on him to cut her out of his life but she was only tearing him and herself down with her numerous addictions and her illness.

I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for him.

Anyway, we had spent the whole day shopping. By the end of the day, we were struggling to get our bags into his car before heading to his place just to have a lazy lad’s night in. We didn’t do this very often; we used to every single weekend before Olly started moving all over the place for his parent’s business. Since then though, it just hasn’t been the same without his boisterous personality. Yes, we did speak to each other on Skype at least twice per week but talking to a best friend over a laptop screen is just so different.

It was on my fourth day back that I decided that I should start getting ready for college. There was only one reason really that I had decided to go to college for a year instead of going straight onto university. That reason being that I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to do in my life yet. I wanted to explore some places in the world, I wanted to find out what it was that I was really passionate about before actually pursuing it. Three hours later and I’d finally gotten everything organised and strangely I was a bit annoyed that there wasn’t anything else to do to keep me occupied. 

The fifth day back was when I got a call from Harry. We’d texted occasionally but it was difficult considering he was so busy and therefore he doesn’t check his phone often. It was definitely a very different dynamic than what I was used to as far as a relationship goes. This was going to be difficult to keep- but I was more than willing to try my best to make this relationship work out. It might have only been twelve days since we had gotten together, but I somehow knew that this was going to be worth all the light nights with calling him whilst he was travelling all over the world. The call simply consisted of him telling me he had just landed in Heathrow and would be back at his flat within the hour. After twenty minutes had passed, I ran out to my car and began the journey to where he lived. It was a good thing that I could remember the route there, now if only I could remember how to get to his flat again inside that complicated complex. It only took me roughly half an hour to get there, I silently cheered at seeing he was waiting outside. I walked up slowly so that I didn’t appear desperate or anything else. However, when I was close I spotted the reddish/purple bags that had set underneath his eyes.

“Are you alright?”

Almost instantly he nodded again which was enough to tell me that he was in fact not alright. I could tell that he was absolutely exhausted but then again I can’t blame him for that considering he works constantly. It could even just be a mild case of jet lag but I knew this was very unlikely considering it had only been a two-hour long flight. However, this didn’t tell me anything as to why he looked the way that he did and seemed to have two black eyes.

“I’m fine; I’ve just been so busy the last few days and I’ve not had much sleep.”

At this, I frowned deep at the obvious denial. That is all the last few days had been. First he was denying telling me about these night terrors, then he was denying having the night terrors, and now he was denying what was actually happening. He knows I’m not stupid so I don’t even know why he was bothering. I knew that he hadn’t slept well the past few days because he had been plagued by these horrible dreams when in sleep, what else could it be? I’ve seen him work a lot harder than he had been currently and he had never looked so tired before so it could be the only logical explanation to everything. 

I nodded anyway to show him that I accepted his answer because he wasn’t exactly lying. He had been busy and he hadn’t slept much. There was just another reason there that was causing all of this and it really made me think more into his entire character. It wasn’t easy for me to come to terms with everything that was happening but I knew that I just needed time and possibly more information so that I at least had some idea of what was going on. I had already vowed to help him break free of this cage that he seems to be trapped inside but I cannot do that if I do not know where the key is that is locking him inside it in the first place. 

Instead, I followed him inside and tied my best to ignore the confused look that he was throwing in my direction. I wasn’t going to pry further into the entire thing because I don’t want to jump to any kind of conclusion before I even know the beginning of everything. It could have been months or even years that he has been hiding behind this cheerful exterior and keeping the terror deep inside. Once we were in his flat, I scanned the main room and I spotted his battered acoustic leaning beside the couch as well as a notebook. This was one that I hadn’t seen before which meant it was probably his song book and not simply a book filled with ideas. This wasn’t really suspicious because he is a singer after all and he writes the majority of his own music. 

But what did confuse me was when he walked over and snapped it shut before putting into what I assumed to be his music room. Almost as if he didn’t want me to see it which meant it was probably extremely personal. Despite wanting to know exactly what it was that he had been writing, I knew that this was a barrier that I had to stay far away from. 

He entered the room again shortly after and sat down beside me on the couch, it only took us a couple of seconds before we were wrapped tightly in the other’s arms. This was not going to be an easy relationship to maintain, that was pretty obvious. He is so busy and works away from home the majority of the time and I’m just remaining in London. It was also not going to be easy to hide our relationship as we would have to be extremely with what we say and also of our body language to evade suspicion. The rumour was always going to be there but if we accidentally confirmed the rumour then it would only go bad. Eventually we pulled away from each other to look at the others face, I smiled brightly as I took him in. I watched as he once again licked his lips so that they wouldn’t crack and darken in their shade. With this small movement I had leaned forward and he also done the same. Much like our first kiss, it was passionate and slow, the two of us wanting to make the most of it and to savour every single second. After all, this was still rather new to us. 

“I’m glad that you’re back.”

I spoke when we had finally pulled away after a minute or so. He was smiling deeply and for the first time since we had gotten together I saw a glint in his eye that could only be of mischief and excitement. He knew something and it had made me lean forward with a look on my face, silently telling him to spill everything to me.

“Well, we have a lot of time to spend with each other now.”

As these words left his lips, my eyebrows instantly furrowed together in confusion. What did he mean with that? He works away almost all the time from what I know due to him being big in a lot of countries. However, he had just finished tour for a but seen as he was still attempting to crack the U.S. which wasn’t an easy task. Not many people are successful when they attempt this venture. Despite Harry being well known in a lot of countries, it was still a very risky and dangerous decision. One wrong move could very easily destroy his career but to him it was a risk that was definitely worth taking.

“I’m only recording here for the next seven months, Louis. No tour, no promotion. Apart from studio sessions I’ve got a break pretty much.”

At this, my smile only widened and I’m pretty sure my mouth will ache afterwards, was he actually being serious right now? He seemed to notice what it was I was trying to say because he nodded along with letting a small chuckle break the silence. This was a really good thing as it meant that we had a lot more time to spend with each other. I only now decided to ask him how it was going in his quest to conquer the country across the pond.

“So how are things going with cracking the U.S. then?”

He bit his lip once I said this, which I could tell was solely down to nerves. I knew why he was nervous because it is always dodgy to branch out into another country where nobody knows who you are. I know he does have fans there due to social media existing but there are still millions of people who have never heard of him before now. 

“Well, I released an EP there a few days ago of the singles that I’ve released elsewhere along with a couple of new songs which seems to being going down well. It isn’t confirmed yet but I might possibly be dropping my album there at some point in the next few weeks.”

Now my eyes bulged. Well, he was certainly determined in this quest. This could end up really badly for him but at least he wouldn’t need to worry about being homeless unless he does something incredibly stupid with his fortune like a lot of other people do when they come into money like that. I knew that he was careful with it though and this wasn’t the case. However, if an EP was doing good in the charts then it makes sense that his album probably would to. Then again, people might just be interested to see what his music was like, it might not exactly be received well. This could end up amazing for him, or it could drastically flop. 

Not long after this we decided to order a large pizza to share which was delivered roughly twenty minutes later. Neither of us hesitated in choosing which slices we wanted and devouring the delicious meal despite it leaving me with a dreadful cramp in my side. He seemed to be in the same situation as he waddled over to fix the television setting so we could play a few games. Tomorrow was my last free day before I go back to studying constantly. I was definitely going to work harder than I ever had in school because I wanted to get into a decent university. I was thinking about applying for Oxford or possibly Cambridge despite them both asking for ridiculously high grades and are extremely picky on who they accept. I would need to look at the available ones in the city because that would be quite handy due to location. At least I still have a couple of months before I start applying for any.

\---

When that annoying little noise erupted from my phone, I groaned as I remembered just how much I actually hated it. I must have sat in my bed for a good ten minutes contemplating my life decisions before I pulled myself out of bed and started getting ready for the day ahead. If there was one thing I hated about education it was the early mornings. Despite me enrolling for classes that started no earlier than noon, I was still the chauffer for my siblings considering our mum was out of the house before by 7A.M. which meant she couldn’t take them. I wasn’t even going to bother with my appearance too much considering I’ve still got a few hours to myself before I need to leave so there wasn’t a huge point in it.

All of the girls were back to school now and I had to take two detours on the way. The first being the shop so that they could pick something to snack on throughout the day and the second dropping the twins off at primary school. At least the primary and the secondary were close to each other so it wasn’t like I had to drive to one side of the city only to drive to another in a short amount of time in the ridiculous traffic. Félicité was really nervous though as today was her first day of high school and I could understand why. I can remember being extremely nervous myself when I first started and Lottie was the same. I know that there wasn’t much for her to be worried about however because she’s a social butterfly and has an infectious personality.

I rolled my eyes in amusement though as the girls all fought over who would get what at the shop, they eventually decided just to get a couple of the smaller bars instead of one larger bar between them. It was raining once again which was not a surprise considering it was almost always raining in this country, I swear we only get summer for one day every single year- if it was even that. Then again, it was autumn now which meant that the weather was only going to get worse over the next few months as winter grew closer. In total the journey took almost an hour because not to anyone’s surprise the traffic was horrendous once again. It is expected though with it being the first day of school/college again along with the regular morning rush hour of people commuting to their work. It was only 9:30am currently which meant I could probably grab another hour of sleep. I didn’t want to risk it though because there was a high chance that I would not wake up on time.

After all, I didn’t want to make a bad impression of myself by being late for my first day at college. 

For the next two hours I decided to grab a shower so that I could wash off any dirt that I might have missed yesterday. I grimaced in disgust as I ran my fingers through my hair and feeling a thick layer of grease at the roots. I only ever washed my hair once a week so it wasn’t an unusual occurrence for me. I softly massage the shampoo into my scalp until I was confident that I removed all traces of dirt from it. Once I stepped out I proceeded onto my usual morning routine, deciding to attempt a quiff once again. I had to resist the stupid happy dance when I managed to get it on the first attempt. It certainly looked different to what I normally wore my hair like but a change is good from time to time. I’m not in school anymore anyway. The majority of people in my classes had decided to go onto either apprenticeships or to university. From what I know there were only five people who were in my year who were taking the same approach that I was- including Chad.

As soon as 11:15am came, I jumped into my car and made my way over to Chad’s seen as we were going together. It did suck that we weren’t taking the same courses apart from one. He was taking science related course and was taking music simply to fill up his timetable and as a fun subject. Me on the other hand was taking more art related subjects. I’m not sure what I want to do exactly in my life, but I know for certain that I want a job that includes these subjects. Possibly journalism, but I’m going to keep my options open before deciding for certain.

My eyes widened when I pulled into the large college which was situated in the east end of London. I had come here a few times to check the place out and to figure out where to go, but it seemed so different with the entire campus being littered with students. Chad gave me an equally shocked look before we both got out of the car. We decided to wander around a little so that we could remind ourselves of our bearings, it would be disastrous if we got lost on the first day.

I stopped in my tracks though as I took notice of a boy sitting by a tree. He was clearly trying to keep himself hidden from everyone. Chad seemed to realise as well but before we could walk over he had gotten up and walked inside. I got a quick glance at him though and I knew why he was going in earlier than he needed to despite it disgusting me. He looked around eighteen years old and he was rather tall- easily around the six-foot mark. What was different about him though was the fact that he was wearing clothes that seemed as though they came straight from the 1940s- he was obviously avoiding bullies right now. He also had his hair styles into a small quiff and over to the left, not a single piece of it out of place. On top of this, glasses with thick frames were rested on his nose.

I looked at Chad for his reaction and he just shrugged his shoulders in response, telling me that he also had no idea. Even though Chad may seem it, he isn’t a ‘jock’ as Americans call them. Not once has Chad bullied someone. Yes, he’s teased people for the odd laugh but he always makes sure that he is only joking and he isn’t being serious on the matter. I was exactly the same despite having a rather acidic tongue. I hate it when I accidentally offend someone, well, unless the person in question had offended my family because then it was justified. If it was someone I didn’t know personally though who hadn’t done anything, I felt dreadful afterwards.

Soon, everyone started piling into their respective buildings so that they could get to class on time. I waved to Chad as he was headed off to Physics currently which was in the adjoining building and he returned the gesture. It was a good thing that I had made sure to memorise the map the night before to shorten my chances of getting lost. I noticed a few people give me curious glances as I walked inside before returning to whatever they were doing. They obviously recognised me simply because of Harry. I don’t even want to imagine how people will react when we do announce that we are a couple. We had decided to wait a little bit but we hadn’t formally decided when we wanted to come out.

I silently cheered when I found my lecture room without difficulty and I soon sat in the middle row. I didn’t want to seem too eager by sitting in the front but I also didn’t want to seem like I wasn’t interesting by sitting at the back. I pulled out a notepad and a pen along with a few other people who were already seated. I know that the afternoon blocks weren’t as busy as the mornings blocks so it was likely that there was going to be less than thirty people in here. The lecturer soon walked in and everybody immediately quietened, he looked extremely strict. I gulped a little bit at this- I will be making sure to not slack off in this class then. His eyes scanned around the room, narrowing a little at the boys who were seated behind me trying to pass notes to the girls in class. The tension disappeared though when the door was flung open, a familiar boy walking in.

“You are late young man.”

He began tapping his foot on the ground in a threatening way which made the mystery boy gulp a little bit. I also heard a couple of people already sniggering at him even though they didn’t know him.

“I got lost.”

I also noticed a slight American accent in his voice, so he was a foreign student then. Maybe he wasn’t, maybe he moved here a couple of years before and his accent hadn’t disappeared yet. The lecturer sighed and pointed to an empty seat in the second row.

“I will let you off this time because it is the first day, what is your name so that I don’t forget it?”

He was sitting directly in front of me now; he had pulled out a notepad as well along with a few pens. He gulped a little bit due to nerves before saying;

“Marcel, Marcel Styles.”


	14. Thirteen.

There has never really been a time when something as silly and common as a name has made me re-evaluate everything over a situation. From a quick glance around the room it was pretty obvious that I was not alone here as some heads had cocked up in interest at his last name. Marcel fidgeted a little bit in front of me and leaned forward to hide his face which I could only imagine was tinted a bright pink in embarrassment. I completely zoned out, not taking in anything despite hearing the lecturer begin his speech. A relative, he has to be. Then again, this might not be the case as sometimes complete strangers share the same surname. I’d never heard Harry speak of any relatives apart from his adoptive family so this seemed to contradict the first theory which meant it could only be the other option. I couldn’t think of another explanation. Plus, he looked nothing like Harry. He proceeded to open up his notebook and began scribbling ridiculously fast whatever it was the lecturer was talking about. 

A couple of minutes passed after this before I finally managed to snap out of my thoughts and was aware of my surroundings once again. I grabbed a pen and began writing despite knowing I had missed a good ten minutes of the class. I just hope that they will be online soon. This lecture was probably pointless anyway but this time I wasn’t going to take any of my assumptions for granted. I’ve done that before and it did not end up well for me at all. This was not school anymore, this was college and it was well-known that lecturers were not the type of people to not give us any work because it was the first day. I suppose however that this was a good thing as it meant I wasn’t beginning completely clueless about everything. I think the initial shock here was exactly what I needed because it showed me just how serious this was.

I think it was the fact that I never took school seriously was probably the reason why I had never achieved a higher grade than a C before except on one occasion. It was probably because of this and the fact that I was no longer being forced to do subjects that I absolutely hated and I was instead doing subjects that I was genuinely interested in that gave me some kind of motivation that I had never had before. I know that I will need to work ridiculously hard over this year because to be honest, I don’t really fancy reapplying for college for another year. I could have just taken a regular college course but it’s not what I want to do because I want to go onto university. In order to do this, I need to get quite a few A-Levels under my belt for that to be possible. 

I continued writing what my lecturer was telling us but it wasn’t long until I heard a couple of sniggers around the room. I looked up for a split second and groaned when I saw that they were all laughing at this Marcel kid. I looked down again and focused on letting my hand dart from left to right across the paper. So what, he seemed a little on the nerdy side (ok, maybe very) but this was low. It honestly disgusts every fibre in my being whenever I see people being treated different for the way that they look when they’ve never even taken the time out of their own lives to get to know the person.

I quickly glanced at him again; his back right in front of me and his head almost touching the table. I had a horrible feeling that he was trying to hide away from everyone. I shook my head in disgust and continued to write down what we were being told currently. By the end of the hour, my hand was stinging from taking so many notes and it was beginning to go numb. Truthfully, I don’t think I have ever written anywhere near this much in a day before never mind in one class- unless it was an essay for English. I’m actually quite proud of myself for this little achievement. Then again, I was actually genuinely interested in what we were being told, despite being distracted by the boy sitting in front of me who was called Marcel and just so happened to share the exact same surname as my boyfriend. I swung my bag over my shoulder and began my way out, trying my best to avoid the large group who were rushing to the door. Once outside, my eyes widened as I spotted Chad standing there- he must have been let out early to have made it here on time.

“So how was your first lesson then?”

I playfully punched his arm before smiling, accepting his handshake in the process.

“Good actually, for once I was genuinely interested.”

As these words left my lips, his eyes widened almost to a cartoon size which was clearly in a mocking way. This caused me to give him a very unimpressed look and I slapped his shoulder even though I knew he would have barely felt it. His arms swung up into a surrender pose which paired with the huge eyes created a very comical image and before long I was laughing hysterically at him. We had an hour long break now before we had to make our way to music which we had together, which I was quite happy about. Especially considering my stomach was making weird noises at having ate very little today.

We both made our way over to my car and slid inside, the chatter from everyone else on campus immediately drowned out by the metal. I leaned back for a few seconds before pulling out of the space that we were occupying, making my way towards the main high street in our area. Ever since we were allowed to leave during a lunch hour, we had taken full advantage of it. Cafeteria food would probably not be quite so bad here but neither of us wanted to take any chances on the matter. Something caught my attention but I looked away before promptly doing a double take. A very familiar boy walking along the pavement, his head was low but he didn’t exactly seem sad or anything. He just appeared to be lost in thoughts in some way. Well, this was until someone who I recognised as one of those arseholes who were making rude comments to him in English, running over to him and shoving him to the ground before running away himself.

Chad made a disgusted noise from beside me and I almost slammed on the breaks at witnessing that but I couldn’t do that considering there was a rather long line behind me of people obviously on their way to get their own lunch. There were also double lines on the road which meant it was illegal for me to park up here anyway. I clearly had no other option than to carry on like nothing had happened in the first place. I caught my best friend still looking out of the window, his eyes glaring as we passed by the boy who had pushed Marcel down and giving him his middle finger- which got me laughing. To be fair though, he deserved a lot worse than a rude hand gesture for doing that. 

“First day back and there are already people acting like they are better than others.”

I nodded in a silent rage, it really was disgusting. Any form of bullying is wrong no matter what. What made it even more horrible is that some people are completely oblivious to it happened or even worse encourage it. If I’m being honest, it was the latter which made me the angry. How somebody can just stand back and watch as someone gets beaten up or be called nasty names for their own entertainment is really not right. Society nowadays is just severely fucked up, there is no denying this fact. I continued on my journey however, my knuckles still a ghostly white from gripping the leather so tightly before taking a turn off of the main road. It was roughly three years ago that we found this small café and ever since we’ve been coming here at least four times every week. It might be tiny and not look like much but the food was delicious and that is all that matters.

“Usual boys?”

The man behind the counter asked jokingly which caused the pair of us to laugh and nod. We made our way to a booth in the back corner which we always occupied unless it was already taken. I glanced at the clock on the wall to see that we still had almost fifty minutes until our next class which meant that we had plenty of time to ourselves. As we waited on our food, I pulled my phone out and began scrolling through Facebook, but there wasn’t anything interesting on there at the moment. I looked up however when Chad made an odd drooling noise which told me that our food was coming. I shook my head in amusement at the way his eyes bulged almost out of his skull at the extra-large caramel milkshake he always ordered. I tented normally to go with fruit teas as the milkshakes here were way too sweet for my liking. It was literally like drinking toffee sauce; it was that sugary.

We always got a full English breakfast which was relatively cheap considering the size of the portion. We barely stopped to breathe which was probably not a good thing because by the time that we had finished we were groaning in extreme discomfort. Every time this happens, eating too quickly that we were left in incredible amounts of pain. We decided to take our cakes with us (Chad got toffee- surprise there, and I got chocolate) considering we had roughly ten minutes to get back to campus. Once we stood up however, we almost immediately buckled over in pain as the stitch kicked in. At least I wasn’t alone.

The drive back to campus was quiet, neither of us wanting to risk speaking in case our food made an impromptu reappearance. My stomach was already disagreeing with me and I knew that I was going to be having extreme cramps for the rest of the day. We parked up soon and slid out of the car, trying to act casual even though it felt like we were bombs about to explode any seconds. My eyes narrowed however as I spotted someone pointing to Marcel who I caught out of my peripheral vision. People honestly disgust me now; Marcel ran inside the building to what I assumed was his next class. I jumped a bit when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket telling me that I had a text seen as I had put it on silent to avoid it going off during a lecture. I couldn’t stop the smile from erupting when I saw it was Harry.

[From: Popstar]  
How is your first day going then?

Even though I wasn’t looking over at Chad, I knew that he was wiggling his eyebrows very suggestively at me. I don’t even know how he always seemed to read my mind in a sense. I gave him my middle finger which earned me a fake gasp of horror. We were now inside and once again I managed to find my class easily. Chad and I sat down close to the back seen as hardly anybody was in yet, only one other guy was in and he had his head leaned on the desk presumably asleep. I soon remembered Harry’s text and I typed back a quick reply.

[To: Popstar]  
It’s going good so far, haven’t god lost yet which is a good thing.

The room began to fill up and I didn’t fail to notice a few shocked looks being directed my way, they obviously recognised me similar to the other people in my previous class- because of Harry. I smiled a little bit to myself as very few people knew we were in a relationship. Mu phone buzzed with another text telling me that Harry had replied so I made sure to hide it from curious eagle eyes of people wanting to start rumours.

[From: Popstar]  
And yet you still can’t find your way to my flat in the complex. Do you want to drop by later? I miss you.

At this I smiled deeply, it was kind of cheesy considering we had only been dating for about a fortnight but it was nice. I groaned however when I remembered that I had already agreed to spend the afternoon with Chad.

[To: Popstar]  
I would love to, but I told Chad that I would stop by his place.

I felt a tap on my shoulder from behind me which distracted me momentarily from my conversation with Harry. I turned around in my seat and I recognised her as one of the girls who had looked at me rather startled at seeing me. I had to resist snorting however as she legit looked as though she had taken a bath in mud and dunked her face on the icing of a children’s cake. She should really learn how to do fake tan and makeup properly; it was really strange just how fake she looked.

“You’re Louis, aren’t you? You know Harry Styles.”

With this small statement, I could already feel multiple eyes land on me from around the room. Where the fuck was our lecturer so that at least some of the awkwardness could go away. Despite these thoughts, I nodded but before she could say anything else I replied;

“Yes I know Harry, but I’m not going to let you play me like a fool so that you can get close to him so don’t even try it.”

I flicked my wrist a little which caused Chad to let out a booming laugh which echoed off of the walls. The tramp-in-question’s mouth dropped open in shock at my statement in irritation before she stood up and stormed out of the room. Sorry honey, but it was blatantly obvious that it was your intention there. I felt my phone vibrate again just as the lecturer walked in. She looked to be in her mid-thirties and she looked like she was kind. Then again, a lot of the time first impressions are far off from the truth. So to be on the safe side, I opened up the text underneath the desk.

[From: Popstar]  
He can come over if he wants, I haven’t met him yet and he seems like he would get along well with someone I know well.

I made a short humming sound and proceeded to repeat the same note taking process as I had in English. A couple of hours had passed since then, it now being 4P.M. and we had finally finished our first day here. I met up with Chad at my car, he had agreed to come over to Harry’s. He said that he had to change which caused me to roll my eyes so I stopped at his flat first. A good thirty minutes passed which solely consisted of him ripping apart his wardrobe looking for something that he deemed suitable. 

“What do I wear?”

I shook my head unamused and flung my hands up in the air in defeat.

“Fucking hell, Chad. It’s like you’re getting ready for a date or something and not meeting my boyfriend.”

Once again, he flipped me off before finally deciding on navy skinny jeans and a Green Day tour t-shirt. We had gone to see the band live a few years ago which was an amazing night. I had a t-shirt too somewhere but I didn’t wear it considering it had holes all over it from excessive wear. I used to wear it at least three days a week for almost two years which was how it got into that state in the first place. The journey to Harry’s mostly consisted of Chad complaining of the way that he looked. After a few minutes of his ranting- which much to my surprise, he did. It was only a twenty-minute drive to Harry’s flat from Chad’s which was rather convenient. I wonder who this person he spoke about getting along well with.

Chad gave me a confused look when he saw the complex, obviously thinking similarly to how I had when I had first come here. I shook my head and led him up to the third floor- at least this time I remembered to take the correct set of stairs. I knocked on the door and a few seconds later it swung open to reveal Harry. I leaned forward and pulled him into a hug, not wanting to weird Chad out too much with kissing. I noticed that my friend was visibly nervous but Harry gave him a warm smile and let us both inside. Chad whistled as he took in the large flat. There probably are much large flats in the area but Harry’s was definitely a lot larger than Chad’s.

It wasn’t long until they were talking like they had known each other for years, but I could sense that something was off. I don’t know what it was but I soon realised that Harry kind of had a panicked look in his eyes. His expression contradicted this though which again confused me. We still refrained from any form of public displays of affection to avoid him feeling like an awkward third wheel. This didn’t last for very long though as there was soon another knock on the door. Harry stood up and walked over to the door, opening it. Someone stood there that I didn’t recognise; this must be the other friend Harry was speaking of earlier. He was slightly shorter than me, had short dyed blonde hair with his natural dark roots coming in at the scalp, piercing blue eyes that seemed to sparkle, and he also had a very playful aura around him.

“Well, you’re earlier than usual.”

It sounded ruse but I caught the underlying tone of amusement that Harry was using. It was obvious that they were very close friends. I would be lying if I didn’t say I felt a little bit jealous however. It wasn’t until the mystery guy spoke that something seemed to ignite within me and not in a good way.

“Well, I thought I would try to be more on time for once dear brother.”

That voice. That deep Irish voice.


	15. Fourteen.

Fear.

It was only a very small word that consisted of four letters. Two vowels and two consonants. It was the only thing that came to my mind. I could feel my stomach twisting very uncomfortably and I’m pretty sure my face had gone a deathly pale. My breathing was slightly ragged as well and I knew that the other three people were all looking at me strangely for acting like I currently was. Up until now I had pretty much managed to convince myself that the phone call I had received after only knowing Harry for a very little time to be only a sick prank or a wrong number. Now it was playing over and over again in my mind, burning that voice deeper into my memory that I’ll probably never forget in my life. Despite it happening months ago, it was like it had just happened a matter of moments ago, that was how fresh the memory was.

It was like it was burning me out from the inside of my body out to my skin. Creating goosebumps and causing the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck to stand rigid. I’ve been scared numerous times before now but I now knew that it wasn’t true fear- this was true fear. It was almost as if I had been frozen directly on the spot, being forced to watch something that would occur in a horror movie play out in front of me. Feeling helpless, alone, deserted, and most of all, totally frightened. I gulped a little bit in an attempt to calm down my racing heart but it was clear after doing so that this wouldn’t be the case at all.

That voice.

I knew that I would never be able to forget it. The one voice that had invaded my mind and had threatened me of consequences if I ever hurt Harry. I wouldn’t do that anyway because I’m not a horrible person but hearing it was one thing as opposed to only thinking about it. It had seriously made me question my friendship with Harry at the time and now that it had once again risen to the surface once more, it was making me question my relationship with Harry. Not in the way that made me consider breaking it off before things begin to get complicated because face it, there is no such thing as a relationship that sails smoothly. There is always a bump in the waves and occasionally an ice berg that sinks the ship hundreds of feet below the surface. I can remember the coldness of his voice, the level of seriousness in his tone. I think the worst thing about it was that what I had convinced of myself was clearly not the case. How could it be if the boy who had spoken those terrifying words was now standing directly in front of me? His words were also ringing in my mind, dear brother. This was complicated, too fucking complicated right now.

“I am warning you of one thing. If you dare lay a hand on or hurt my brother, there will be consequences.”

That single sentence was now replaying numerous times inside of my head, my lips unconsciously miming along to my thoughts. Never in my life has something as silly as a twenty-two-word long sentence affected me as it has right now. The emptiness of the threat itself was burying that terror deeper into my body, and I could only feel myself get more terrified as the seconds turned into minutes. I had yet to completely take in the guy to whom the voice that was now haunting my mind belonged to in the first place, even though he was standing right directly in front of me. I wasn’t even sure what it was that I was looking at exactly because everything just seemed to be spinning at an alarming right in front of me. I could feel everyone’s curious eyes on me, wondering why I was suddenly so quiet and being so reserved. I jumped a little bit though when Chad lightly touched my shoulder.

“Are you ok, Louis? You’re a bit spaced out.”

This was all it took for me to successfully snap out of it. I turned my head to look at everyone before nodding at my best friend, my gaze lasting a little longer on him. He nodded in return and walked around a little bit- understanding that I wanted to talk to him alone. Harry was giving me an even more worried look, obviously wondering why I was suddenly acting the way that I currently was. With this I felt sick because now I knew that I should have been honest with him when I first received that phone call instead of only telling Chad and Olly. I gave him a small gesture and despite him not wanting to do so, he reluctantly nodded. He understood that I was going to tell him later on once we are alone, maybe I won’t even have to- maybe this guy will tell him before I can. He looked to his friend (or brother, I’m not sure exactly) and they soon walked in the opposite direction that Chad had walked in. Once they were both out of sight I let out a short and shaky breath before leaving to find my friend- who I soon found in Harry’s spare bedroom, sitting down on a chair at a desk.

“What was all that about?”

It was only now that I realised I was physically shaking, my face probably still a chalk white. I managed to compose myself and I sat down beside him. He was still giving me that very concerned look as he looked at my face in search of an answer of some kind. I licked my lips to let some moisture soak into the dry cracks before turning to face him once I had sat down on the edge of the bed;

“It’s him, Chad.”

I turned away from him as these words left my mouth, somehow saying it out loud made me feel a whole lot worse than when I was saying it in my mind. Despite me not looking at him, I knew he had pulled his head back and was sporting his hilarious confused face. I would have laughed like I normally would have at it but laughter seemed like it had been locked away under thousands of locks and somebody had thrown away the keys. It was like the only emotion that I was currently capable of feeling and it wasn’t a pleasant experience in the slightest. I tried my best to ignore it once again and gulped loudly which helped somewhat at stalling the fear that was growing larger as the moments carried on.

“The guy who threatened me with that phone call, Chad. I’m sure it’s him.”

With this short confession, I heard him breathe deeply as he was finally on the page that I was on. At least he now somewhat knew just why I was so scared and why I suddenly seemed to crawl inside of a shell. Now that I was thinking about it though, I noticed something that I probably wouldn’t have if I wasn’t paying such close attention. He had called Harry his brother, and Harry had called him his brother. They clearly weren’t related by blood because they looked nothing like each other. Of course there was the chance that they were just very close friends and considered each other brothers much like Chad, Olly, and I. However, I knew the real answer deep down. He was the adopted brother whose name I did not know. 

“Fuck, are you actually certain on this one, Louis?”

I was still in disbelief at the whole thing, but I found myself nodding anyway. I could taste something slightly metallic in my mouth and I realised that I was biting down on my tongue hard. I stopped doing this and finally looked at Chad. Now confusion was settling in again, what did this entire thing even mean? There was only one possible explanation that I had, even though it wasn’t a nice possibility at all. It made sense though and I think this only frightened me even more. Harry’s night terrors were based off of real life, and the brother knew the entire story. Every little nook and cranny that I hadn’t mastered, each little facial expression, and exactly why he seemed so cut off from everyone in a sense. He was obviously simply protecting Harry, and his strange behaviour seemed to confirm this in a sense. He knew something that I didn’t and might never know, and it made him extremely protective over him. Once I had come to this conclusion, the fear that had gripped me so tightly ever since he walked through the door had disappeared- or at least for the most part.

“He’s protecting Harry.”

Speaking this only confirmed it more and I was silently kicking myself for not putting the pieces together long before now. It was pretty obvious now that I had figured everything out. A funny noise escaped Chad when I said this, but I quickly explained the only possible theory there was to him. Once I had finished, he was also nodding in agreement. Of course we could be completely wrong, but it was the only thing that we currently had that made even the slightest bit of sense in this situation. He’d obviously heard from Harry that we were getting very close when we were still only friends and it was his way of telling me not to hurt him- because something had hurt him bad in the past. It was either that or it was something even more twisted and I didn’t want to give myself a serious headache by thinking up any other possibilities right now.

After this, we both left in search of the two of them but this didn’t take us very long. As soon as we had walked into the hall I could hear a guitar which was coming from Harry’s studio room. I knocked lightly on the door so as not to startle them but the second the door had opened I was pulled into a bone crushing hug. I squeaked a little at the forwardness of it but I soon pulled away to face Harry who was giving me a reassuring smile. Once we did however, I caught Harry give the currently nameless guy a glare- which was enough to tell me that he had been told of the entire thing. Maybe he felt guilty about it; he obviously knew that it has scared me out of my wits. Come on though, who wouldn’t get scared if an unknown number called you that was basically threatening you? I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t have been a bit freaked out if that had happened to them.

“This annoying bastard told me, why didn’t you tell me, Louis?”

I looked down in shame and shuffled my feet a little bit on the spot. He wasn’t angry, but I could tell that he was upset that I hadn’t told him. I wasn’t even planning on telling him at all because I genuinely thought that it was a wrong number or a prank for a while. I felt his hand on my shoulder now and it wasn’t long until we were in a tight embrace once again. We only pulled away when I heard a couple of awkward coughs coming from Chad and Harry’s brother.

“Ok lovebirds; please keep the public displays of affection down before I vomit. It would be very much appreciated, thank you.”

I had to stifle a laugh here in order to hide my embarrassment. It was a stupid thing though because I felt my cheeks grow hot which was the dead giveaway. I was tried (and failed) at trying to hold in my laughter when Harry gave Chad his middle finger for that comment. It shook my head in amusement before turning to face him. He wasn’t really tall, but he wasn’t exactly short either. He was dressed in sporty kind of clothes except for the navy skinny jeans which had a few rips in the knees. He didn’t look at all threatening and this disintegrated any last bit of fear I had which had come from that phone call. He had a kind face but he was still giving me a rather stern glare, I now knew though that he was simply protective over Harry. He walked over now and held out his hand- which I hesitantly shook considering I was still getting a strange aura from him.

“Niall Horan. I’m sorry that I scared you with that, I didn’t exactly mean for it to come across as a threat at all.”

I let out a short breath and nodded in acceptance to his somewhat apology. I licked my lips a little bit before replying back;

“Louis Tomlinson. It’s ok; it just wasn’t something that I expected and it cut me off guard.”

He nodded a bit and I spotted a guilty look take over his face which meant that he genuinely meant it. We stood there a little awkwardly for a few moments but Chad soon clapped both of our shoulders and spoke;

“Well, now that problem is sorted, I think a few video games and a lot of food is in order.”

With this statement, I realised just how hungry I actually was. Harry shook his head in amusement and picked his phone up, asking us all what kind of food we wanted. It was good that entire fiasco had now been resolved. We all replied and he nodded and walked out of the room to order the extensive takeaway we wanted. I wasn’t surprise that Chad had immediately seemed to get along with Harry; he was just one of those people who seemed to get along with everyone. Well, that was unless they gave him a reason to dislike them. Much like a certain someone of the name James. If I was being honest, there was only one good memory that I had of my ex. Once I had told Chad what had happened he had publicly shamed him in school the next day. Public humiliation as revenge for publicly humiliating me.

We had all now found ourselves in the living room, all versing each other on Mario Kart. I was annoyed though when Chad kept deliberately throwing things at me so I was skidding along the track and never aiming for the other two people who were playing. I kept yelling at him and it seemed as though both Harry and Niall found it hilarious. Then again, they were both an entire lap ahead of us. During the game, we all talked to get to know each other a little bit more, but this was interrupted by a ringing noise coming from the buzzer. Harry quickly paused the game before answering the phone to see who it was. I imagined it was the person who was bringing the food. 

I was surprised to see Chris walk into the hall though. I knew why it was him however when I saw the four large bags which were all full to the brim with food, Harry had obviously sent him to collect it instead of having four separate deliveries. He gave Harry a mock annoyed look which made me laugh a little bit but I shut up when he wiggled his eyebrows at me. I knew instantly that he was mocking our relationship right now which only made me more embarrassed. One look at Harry was enough to show me he was equally embarrassed by the teasing being directed at us. I was startled though when a huge laugh echoed around the place, I soon realised that it was Niall. With this, everyone was laughing hysterically as well.

A few minutes passed and we eventually managed to stop and Chris gave us a bag each before leaving to wherever it was he actually stayed. Harry walked over to the kitchen side of the main room and proceeded to pull out a few plates and cutlery before walking back over to us. There was no point in even picking what each person should eat; it would only cause a food fight which I wasn’t really in the mood for. On top of that, there was food that I had never heard of before never mind seen before and I wanted to try a little bit of everything. We ended up getting Indian, Italian, Chinese, and Mexican.

Afterwards though, I instantly regretted eating so much as I could hardly even move without getting a cramp. I knew I wasn’t alone because three different groans escaped the other people in the room in discomfort. Somehow we had managed to eat all of it; well actually Niall himself ate at least half of it. Chad and I just looked on in shock as he picked up a tub of curry sauce and proceeded to drink it like it was water. It was funny though because he obviously instantly regretted it because he did end up shoving anything dairy into his mouth. It was extremely entertaining watching his pain though even though it was rather evil.

It was now beginning to get rather late, and I knew that my parents would be a little bit worried about what was happening. I didn’t really want to leave but like Harry had said we had a few months now to spend with each other because he was only recording in London during that time. It was a good thing that he had finished his tour; well, he might be finished his tour. Harry had left the room around an hour ago for an important call. He had re-entered the room looking extremely nervous. It was confirmed; Harry was going to take the plunge and release his album across the pond.

It was an extremely risky move for him to make, but I suppose making the decision early on is better than waiting. I knew his EP that he released there not long ago was generally being received well, but this was an even bigger step. Would all of the pressure swallow him up? Once I thoughts this though, the whole enigma that was Harry was once again confusing me. The night terrors, the odd behaviour. Harry was already being swallowed up by something and I had no idea what it was. I didn’t even need to force myself to stop thinking about it because I had soon arrived home after dropping off Chad at his own flat. What stopped me from thinking about the entire puzzle was the empty bottle of vodka that was sitting on the table in the living room. Especially since nobody in my family drinks vodka.


	16. Fifteen.

Over the past few months, I have experienced a lot of different emotions. Happy, pleased, excited, annoyed, angry, and most of all, confused. Right now, that same exact emotion immediately overcame me but for a completely different reason to what I have become accustomed to as of late. A part of my mind was trying to convince myself that it wasn’t what it appeared to be at first glance but as I stared more at it, it became painfully obvious that it was. At first I thought it might have been Lottie but then I remembered that nobody would ever believe her even if she had a fake ID, so whom did the bottle belong to?

It had obviously been drunk recently if the slight lingering scent had anything to do with it. It wasn’t potent to the point that I could have just walked right inside and guessed it to be vodka, it was the kind of scent that stays for a long time but is barely there. I looked around the room as if the answer to this would jump out at me but the place was just quiet. I frowned now because this house was never quiet. Not with seven people living here even if Mark works away a lot. There was almost always something going on and the idea of the place being deserted was strange.

I knew that the house had not been deserted considering the front door was unlocked. Since it was getting dark outside due to the winter months fast approaching I put the silence down to the girls all being in bed. But where was my mum then? She might have just had an early night but the whole door being opened thing didn’t add up under this possibility. I frowned deeply as I picked up the empty bottle and brought it up to my nose to smell what was in it. Almost instantly, I wrinkled my nose up in disgust and placed it back on the counter. There was something else in that. It was mixed. From numerous personal experiences, vodka does not smell like cat piss.

The silence was broken when I heard soft footfalls on the carpeted stairs and from how light they were; I knew that it was one of the twins. Why were they not in bed at this time of night? I caught site of the clear bottle out of my peripheral vision and I quickly disposed of it because I didn’t want her to see it. After all, they were both only nine years old and neither of them should be exposed to alcohol unless it be on special occasions or specific days. The scent that was drifting around the room seemed to get even more potent as the seconds ticked by and I eventually walked into the living room as I honestly felt as though I could choke on the spot. It literally smelled like hair dye. What the fuck had been mixed into that for it to smell like that? I snapped out of my reverie at seeing Daisy looking into the room wearily before promptly running over and jumping on top of me. I held her small body close to me, being extra careful not to drop her.

“Should you not be in bed missy?”

She cuddled into me tighter than she had been previously which caused me to break out into a smile along with a chuckle to echo through the quiet room. It was strange for her especially to be awake at this time of night considering she loves her sleep unlike most kids. Seriously though, I even got her one of those alarm clocks that run away from you so that she would have no choice but to get out of bed in the mornings. 

“Mummy’s sick.”

As these words left her mouth, dread began to seep into the pit of my stomach. My mum very rarely got sick but on the occasions that she did- she got really sick. I carefully placed my sister down and jogged upstairs in search for my mum. I didn’t even need to look because I could hear the tell-tale choking noise that came with vomiting excessively. I walked into the bathroom and I almost threw up myself at that horrible acid stench. I ignored it before kneeling down and holding her hair away from her face whilst she continued to heave into the pan. I couldn’t shake the feeling of hurt as I watched because I couldn’t do anything else other than wait for it to subside.

However, as I waited, I noticed something. The scent didn’t exactly taste like regular vomit. As I thought more into it, everything made sense and the jagged pieces joined up. I tried my best to breathe solely through my mouth so I wouldn’t need to put up with the smell but it was no use because it had already invaded my nostrils and lungs. Why did she think it was acceptable to drink when the girls were in? Never mind that, why was she even drinking in the first place? She only ever did on occasions and it was not one of those days. After a few minutes had passed, she had managed to stop puking for the time being. Her eyes drooped a little bit which told me that she was struggling to stay awake and it showed me just how drunk she actually was.

To put it simply, I was furious. I was not going to show this however because anger never gets a person anywhere. There was no point in it.

Instead, I helped her stand up and aided her into the master bedroom. I normally never came into my parent’s room but I noticed something strange. It was so bare in here, like nobody had lived here. It kind of looked like my own did when we first moved into this house. Why did it look like nobody lived here? I knew that my mum absolutely hated it whenever a room looked bare as did my step-dad. As a whole, we didn’t have much decoration throughout the house but we liked to keep it plain and simple, but this was far too plain and simple. I shook my head though before leaving the room, making sure that she was lying on her side so that she couldn’t accidentally choke on her own vomit throughout the night and also placed a basin on the floor in case she did have to puke once again.

After this, I made sure that Daisy was back asleep before making my way into my own bedroom. I flopped down onto my bed after removing all of my clothes apart from my boxers and pulling the covers over me. I wanted to sleep because at least then I could pretend that this was a dream, but sleep just seemed so far away. Almost like I was locked inside a vault and the activity was directly outside of the vault- barely out of arms reach. I tossed and turned for at least an hour before I gave up in doing so and picked up my phone, grinning when I noticed I had a text from Harry. Despite it being extremely cheesy, I found the goodnight message really cute and it was enough to remove the thoughts that had clouded my head for the past hour or so enough so that I could fall into dreamland.

\---

The morning wasn’t much different than any other morning. My mum had left to go to work before either of us were even awake. I made breakfast for myself and the girls, made sure they were all dressed on time, took them to the shop to get something sweet for during the break, and finally took them all to school. I had a slightly earlier class today which meant there wasn’t much point in going home only to come straight back out, so I instead took to driving around the city. It was a bit of an overcast morning but it was actually relaxing to an extent. My class went by quickly and considering Chad also had an earlier class, he had the same long break that I did. So we had once again gone to the small café. I gently shook my leg underneath the table, trying my best to sort through everything that was going on in my mind concerning what had happened the night before. Chad was sitting across from me with his eyebrows knitted together in concentration. I told him almost immediately about the events that unfolded and he was trying to help me make sense of the situation. 

“Let me get this straight. Jay was drunk last night, when all of the girls were home and Daisy saw her vomiting. She thought she was just sick and came to get you, only for you to find out what was really going on. However, she never drinks unless it is an occasion and yesterday wasn’t an occasion.”

I sighed again, circling the spoon around my drink in an attempt to distract me from everything. 

“That is the fifth time that you’ve said that in the past ten minutes Chad, how many more ways can you think of wording it?”

He proceeded to shoot me a look which pretty much yelled that he was not at all amused by the joke. It wasn’t even really a joke; this was a serious thing. What if my mum had a problem that she was desperately trying to hide? It seemed as though he was thinking the same thing if the concerned glance being directed at me was anything to go by. I didn’t want pity right now, I wanted someone to help me solve this jigsaw. The empty bedroom thing was also still annoying me, why was there hardly anything at all in there? All there was in the room was the wardrobe, a chest of drawers, the bed, and a small television. It was almost like nobody at all lived there. Well, I suppose that ninety percent of the time it is only my mum who lives there; wait.

Now that I was thinking about it, it’s only been the past few months that Mark had been going on business trips. Was there another reason behind all of this mess? I snapped out of my thoughts at seeing our food arriving. Something was going on with my parents which they clearly didn’t want me or my sisters to know about. Surely my step-dad wasn’t just being called out as often as he was whilst my mum had been drinking like that? Just how long had all of this been going on underneath my nose? After we had finished our meals, we bundled back into Chad’s car which we had used to get here today; neither of us seeing the need of driving in separately. 

I’m just going to try my best to not think about everything that could possibly be going on with my parents. The less that I think about the whole thing, the less confused I will be in the long run. I waved to Chad before walking into my own building to head to my next class. A crowd stopped me in my tracks though; roughly around ten people were standing in a circle whilst multiple others were watching on. I stopped though when I heard a dull thudding sound, a punch. It was a sound that I knew very well considering there was a fight every couple of days at the school I went to. I edged forward, ignoring the painful rib jabbing from people’s elbows to get a closer look at what was going on. Once I was close enough, I looked on only to see that they were circled around Marcel. Suddenly, I was furious. I walked up and tapped one of the people who was circling him on the shoulder. I waited until he had fully turned around to me before I brought my fist across his face, causing him to stagger back and holding his nose.

“Don’t you have anything better to do dickhead than beating someone up?!”

As soon as I had said this, the group all scattered away as they realised that I was genuinely being serious. I was about to kneel down to help Marcel up considering he was obviously in a lot of pain but he quickly stood up and ran in the opposite direction before I even had the chance. I bit my lip anyway before making my way to class, surprised that I wasn’t late considering my small altercation there.

\---

I sighed in contentment as the warm bubbles erupted around my body. The water rushing over my skin in short spurts, removing tension and stress in the process. Harry was behind me, slowly working his palms across my back and removing knots down my spine. He chuckled deeply which made me turn around on my spot to see him nodding to let me know that he had done all that he could. Harry had text me just as I was about to leave college to tell me that he had finished with recording for the day and I immediately jumped at the chance to spend time with him again. I large grin spread across my face when I saw that he was staring directly at me, softly licking his lips to moisturise the skin. I moved over so that my back was pressed against the edge of the Jacuzzi and leaned over to connect our lips before pulling away again.

I cast my gaze around the room but nothing really caught my attention as there wasn’t anything really that interesting. I was happy though seen as I was spending the rest of the afternoon with my boyfriend. It is still crazy thinking that Harry is my boyfriend now. Never in any point of my life did I think I would ever be lucky enough to meet someone famous, yet now I’m in a relationship with a worldwide famous singer. From spending time with him so often, it became blatantly obvious that it was only a title and nothing else. 

“So how are things going with America then?”

Once I said this, I felt his arm lace around my back and pulled my body closer to his. He let out a short breath as he spoke;

“I’m recording for another month or so to see if I can find anything else to add onto it. If all goes to plan, then I’m releasing it in around two months. It’s scary and it is an extremely risky move. I don’t know though; it just feels right? I don’t even know if that makes any sense at all.”

I shook my head a little bit in the negative because it didn’t make sense at all. To me anyway, maybe it’s just something that people involved in the entertainment industry go through and nobody else goes through. We both lapsed into conversation once again whilst letting the bubbling water calm us down. We were both stressed for completely different reasons, but relaxing this way was currently working wonders right now.

“You’re really quiet today, Louis. Is everything ok?”

I froze a little bit again and leaned my head against his shoulder, breathing in the strong apple scent from his shampoo. I shook my head and quickly summed up everything that had happened last night. I couldn’t even ask my mum about it as she was out of the door so early. Even if she didn’t have to leave for work really early, I know that she would have either ignored me or skirted around the question- she’s stubborn like that.

“I’m pretty sure that this is a one-off thing, Louis. I’m sure if it was something serious someone would tell you. Is there maybe something that has been troubling her at work or something?”

I slumped a little bit into the tub and let out a short sigh. I bit my lip before looking at him again. Confusion and concern were the emotions passing through Harry’s bright green eyes; it was obvious that he was trying to understand all of the possible explanations to this whole thing.

“I really don’t know Harry. It’s just so strange to see her drinking so much that she was physically puking her guts out. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her drink more than two glasses of wine in one go unless it be on an occasion. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m being lied to, and there is nothing that I hate more than being lied to.”

He stiffened up beside me which confused me a bit, but his miniature breakdown from a couple of weeks before replaced my thoughts. One day, he had said. One day, he was going to tell me. Harry may not be lying to me, but he is definitely going out of his way to keep something from me. He said he would tell me in time though and that I was fine with. He wasn’t doing anything destructive- well, not to my knowledge anyway. Despite everything, I couldn’t ignore the whole thing. A familiar scream echoing in my mind once again.


	17. Sixteen.

The day after that was rather awkward. I was still very confused over the whole thing and my mum’s actions only mirrored that nothing was wrong. Even her facial expressions seemed to show zero recollection of what happened, which means she may have blacked out. This worried me even more though, did this happen often and I had only now just realised? The whole day my sisters were surrounding my mum when she got home so I didn't get time to confront her about it. I didn't want to worry any of my sisters with them being so young.

The second day was a little less awkward. My mum was working the whole day again which left me alone to babysit my sisters. Don't get me wrong here, I do love my sisters to death and I would do anything for them- but at times I like to just be alone. I think every teenager has this problem though.

It wasn't until the third day came that I finally managed to confront my mum. The girls were all out with their friends and my stepdad was working again. We both sat down in the living room, not really saying anything. We did make small talk but her vagueness was really putting me off, words didn't need to tell me what she was thinking.

She was nervous over something.

What she was nervous over I'm not too sure, but I knew I had to intervene soon before it got far too awkward between us.

"Are you ok, mum?"

She nodded almost instantly which in itself was a strange gesture. She seemed to realise this because she stopped and glanced down at her lap- she was obviously trying to avoid my accusing glance. She knew what I was trying to get at, yet it was clear as day that she wasn't going to answer me willingly. I sighed a bit, crossed my legs and leaned back. I thought carefully over my next question.

"Daisy saw you by the way. She thought you were sick and that was why you were throwing up."

Again, she nodded really quickly. This time though I noticed that her eyes were a bit glazed over, like she was about to cry. As heartless as it sounds though, I don't really care if she feels bad. She should know that it is wrong to be drunk in front of kids. It wasn't quite so bad for Lottie, Félicité and I as we were all old enough to realise what was happening. The twins however are way too young to be introduced to such things.

"I was sick, Louis."

It was only four words. Four tiny words but it was enough to make me lose my temper. I felt my body growing hot in a silent rage, my fingers coiling into a very tight fist. I shut my eyes and bit my lip in an attempt to remove some of the inner tension I was getting right now. I managed to control it and I gave her an ashamed look. What shocked me though was the confusion setting in her features; she was acting like nothing had happened. This was what caused me to explode;

"Mum, just stop pretending alright! I'm not stupid, the girls are not stupid. Yes, Daisy and Phoebe are young but even they aren't stupid enough to not realise! You were drunk mum, and don't deny it. I don't know how much you drank but I know you drank at least a litre of straight alcohol, and the last time I checked, that is not normal! Do you not remember who held your hair from your face whilst you were spewing your guts out?! You can deny it all you want mum, but you need to own up to the truth. I'm not stupid, so don't play the whole 'I was sick' thing with me because I'm not going to fall for it."

I stood up after my small outburst and walked into the hall. I grabbed my coat and keys before turning around to look into the living room again. She was still sitting there in the same exact position, almost like she was just a large ornament. She was feeling sorry for herself. As mean as it is though, she should feel sorry for herself. I ended up forcing myself to speak seen as I was still very angry with her for trying to cover up what happened with such a pathetic excuse.

"I'm going to Harry's."

I don't know what I was expecting really from her to be completely honest. I guess I kind of expected her to run over, wrap me into a large hug and tell me everything. I did feel kind of bad by essentially using my boyfriend to tell her that I was done with this today. The last thing I want is to cause a fight between us because my mum has been here for me ever since I was born. She was hiding stuff from me though.

And there is nothing I hate more than being lied to, or being kept in the dark.

The drive took longer than it usually would with the traffic being quite hectic from the time. It had just passed three in the afternoon so primary schools had now finished up, which meant parents were collecting their kids right now. For once though, the long waits at traffic lights didn't irritate me. I think that right now I kind of needed some time to myself for quite some time.

It was roughly forty minutes before I pulled up outside the gated complex, glad that I had saved the password in my phone so that I could enter. This whole area of London was known as "posh town" because of the house sizes. It wasn't anything bad really, just a bit of harmless rivalry which never got further than a silly fight between school kids which got resolved ten minutes later.

It made sense that Harry would live here. It was a very upper end place and the buildings practically screamed this. I don't even want to know what he pays for his flat. Heck, I don't even know if he bought the flat or if he just simply rents it out. Either way it must be expensive, but he can afford it. There was only one thing which did set off an uneasy feeling as to why Harry lived here.

There aren't many children in this side of London. In fact, I believe there are only two schools. This was mostly where upcoming or well-known business people lived usually and Harry stuck out like a sore thumb.

Harry was only eighteen years old. He wasn't into business or anything of the sort. Then again, Harry is known worldwide for his music. However, the whole thing just seemed strange for me. Why would Harry choose to live in the more business area of London? Why didn't he choose to live near the centre where everything was close? It was almost like he was isolating himself...

Ok, surely I'm just overanalysing things as usual here.

It was only now I realised that I was still sitting in my car in front of the gates. I shook my head a bit and typed the password in, the gates swinging open almost instantly. I managed to find a parking space quite close to the middle door, which was good. I almost always forgot where I would park my car, even to the point that I actually considered installing a tracker into it.

I knocked on the door patiently, seen as I hadn't told Harry that I was coming over. We had text throughout the day and I knew he was only working this morning, which meant he was most likely home. It wasn't long until I heard footsteps from the other side of the wood. When he opened the door, a large grin took up his face. I didn't hesitate to pull him into a tight hug.

I walked in to the familiar flat once again, nothing was out of place and the entire hallway was cleaned to perfection. I had teased him about it previously over his slight compulsion to cleanliness, but it was nice. Most teenagers’ flats nowadays are absolute riots most of the time; a clean place to live was a rarity among young adults. That's what Harry was though, a young adult. He was far too mature to be called a teenager. Heck, comparing myself to him I was like the annoying little brother who constantly blamed everything on their siblings.

We didn't seem to be compatible with each other at first glance at all, yet somehow it worked. I don't really know why; I just know that it does.

"I didn't know you were coming over."

I smiled a little in embarrassment, but I couldn't hold this for long. Pretty soon, all the betrayed emotions were hitting me square in the face over the whole thing with my mum. I had actually had a serious fight with my mum, which I've never had in my life. I had shouted at her. No, I had yelled my lungs out at her. Trying to make her see sense, trying to understand, trying to get her to tell me, trying to get her to admit what had obviously happened. Harry seemed to have noticed my sudden mood change because he walked over and wrapped me in to another tight hug. I let out a short sigh into his shoulder, desperately trying to hold in the tears over what was happening.

He started to rub my back softly, letting me know that he was here for me. Words weren't said, but plenty of thoughts were passed. I just had this level of understanding with Harry that almost made us connect telepathically. This wasn't possible of course, but we somehow seemed to know what the other was thinking without openly speaking about it.

"You spoke to your mum didn't you?"

The only thing I could do was nod fast, his grip tightening around my waist. It was a small gesture but it was enough to tell me that he would be here for me through this.

"She avoided the first day, so I couldn't then. I couldn't talk to her yesterday because she was working all day and I didn't want to bring it up in front of the girls when she got home. I only managed to today and she denied it Harry. I just lost it with her, let everything out, and screamed at her. It was like she was hollow Harry, like my words were passing through her without trouble. I don't know what to do Harry!"

I only realised now that I was sobbing, kind of pathetic really. An eighteen-year-old crying over his mum. This was serious though, I have always been extremely close with my mum. I don't even have any memories with my real dad seen as he left when I was only two. Mark has been the only father figure I've ever had and I don't get to see him often with him working so much. It was really only my mum and I who were together most of the time, and it felt wrong that we had that fight this afternoon.

"Louis, calm down. Give her time, ok? This might just be a one-off thing, maybe someone was giving her a hard time at work and she just didn't want to speak about it. Maybe there is something else going on that she is struggling to comprehend and therefore doesn't want to speak about it. Maybe this isn't the first time and she is just too used to hiding it from people that she doesn't know how to say it. Let her tell you Louis, whatever it is. Don't try and force it out of her because that might ruin your relationship with her beyond any hopes of repair."

With this tiny speech, I had managed to calm my breathing. He had obviously put a lot of thought into what he said there, and it made sense. Maybe it is something she is simply trying to accept and just doesn't want to speak openly about it until she has fully accepted it. Perhaps it was just a one-off thing. Harry was right, as always. One thing was annoying me now though with my boyfriend.

He understood, too perfectly. Almost as if he had gone through the same thing, or something very similar. I know fine well, that someone simply trying to understand wouldn't on the level that Harry just revealed he did. He hadn't put thought into what he said there, he knew what I was going through. It was something completely different to what I have ever experienced in my life.

"You know what this is like don't you? I'm not stupid Harry."

With the small statement, Harry's whole demeanour changed. He pushed me to the side, not enough to hurt but enough to make me stumble. He stormed down the hall and he walked instantly into his studio room. He didn't shut the door though, and I took my chance. I looked in and I instantly felt my heart clench tightly. He was curled up in the corner. He was crying, shaking, and muttering incoherent words and broken sentences under his breath.

Slowly, I walked over and knelt down beside him, but he seemed oblivious to my whole presence. I had no idea what was happening, and as a result I had no idea what to do. The multiple broken words were confusing me;

"No. Please, no. This isn't happening. Help me. I can't do this anymore. Mum, please leave me alone."

The last one caught me completely off guard. Mum. This was only the second time that Harry had spoken of his mum around me. The first time was after the first nightmare I witnessed him have, and even then he refused to tell me anything. He fell asleep straight after he had calmed down and didn't speak of it again. The small speech towards me now, made more sense than ever.

Maybe this isn't the first time and she is just too used to hiding it from people that she doesn't know how to say it.

Harry has been keeping things from me; Harry doesn't speak about a lot of things. He only volunteer’s tiny pieces to the broken puzzle that he is. The tiny statement which he so carefully integrated in a way that it wouldn't be suspicious, but another puzzle piece. Whatever happened to Harry in order for him to be this shattered and essentially forced him into hiding must really be horrific. He has been hiding it for so long that he genuinely doesn't know how to tell people whatever happened. He is trying though. The whole thing with his mum still confused me a little.

That might ruin your relationship with her beyond any hopes of repair.

It hit me. Not hard, but it did hit me. I wouldn't go as far as to say I understood, because quite frankly, I don't. But I want to understand him; I don't want to understand what it's like for him. Something happened with his mum, possibly everything tied together in some disgusting plot. I won't know unless he tells me. Something caused Harry and his mum to fight a lot, until their relationship was damaged. Damaged beyond repair as he put it, and he doesn't want me to go through the same thing.

He doesn't want me to go through the same mental damage that he has clearly been through. I wasn't going to force it though, the small sentence replaying in my mind. I need to let him tell me, not force him or guilt trip him into telling me. Otherwise it might completely ruin our relationship, which I truthfully don't want to lose.

Harry was still shaking and for a split second, I didn't see an eighteen-year-old. I saw a young boy.

A young boy who had seen something he should not have seen. A young boy who had been through something he shouldn't have been through. A young boy who had been hurt in a way that no one should be hurt. A young boy trapped in the mind of an eighteen-year-old who is desperately trying to forget whatever happened. A young, broken boy trapped inside a teenager who is far too old for his years. Whatever did happen had hardened him.

There was no questioning it.

I lightly gripped Harry's arm, offering him some form of support even though he was still sporting that hollow look on his face. He was still muttering clipped sentences and words which made no sense, but less than he was originally. Eventually, after a long few minutes, he stopped. Life seemed to come back into his eyes, a small smile appearing. I felt his hand lightly cover mine in a silent thank you. The tiny gesture made me smile deeply, knowing that he appreciated the fact I was trying to help. I was genuinely trying to help, not in a way that I could use it against him. I would never do something quite so despicable in my whole life; I don't know how anyone could.

A warm feeling spread throughout my body, a slight tingling came with it. It was a strange thing to feel, I have never felt this way. Well, I actually have. The only time I had experienced a similar feeling was when my twin sisters were born. I was in the room with my mum when they came kicking and screaming into the world. This strong sense of protection, of love surging through my body in such a way that made me instantly bond with them.

Protection. Love.

I already knew I was incredibly protective over Harry that much was obvious. But love? Surely you can't fall in love with someone after less than a month? Yes, Harry is my boyfriend and I am very happy to say he is mine, and I am his. Love was a powerful word though, an extremely powerful word. Was it too soon to even be considering thoughts like this?

I realised now that Harry was standing up, slowly might I add. He was a bit shaky and I instantly wrapped my arm around him to let him keep his balance. He smiled gratefully at me in return, which honestly made me feel like jelly. Gosh, this is now turning into some extremely cheesy relationship. We both sat down on the couch, looking deeply at each other, none of us even attempting to break our gazes.

I watched a Harry licked his lips gently before grabbing hold of my hands. He broke his gaze for a split second to blink but was soon giving me such an intense look again, an intense look I was returning. He sighed a bit before saying;

"Louis, is it too early into this relationship for me to say that I love you?"

My breathing stopped right then. Only for a few seconds but slowly it returned. I'm pretty sure my shocked emotions were showing on my expression at what he just said. He loves me? We haven't even been a couple for a month yet and he's just confessed that he loves me. The amazing thing about it though was that it was very easy for me to tell that it was the truth. He wasn't just saying it on impulse, he genuinely meant it.

I only realised now that I had still to say anything, my hands were trembling and I felt a couple of tears slide down my cheeks. Out of happiness might I add. I bit my lip and voiced what was swarming around in my mind.

"Is it crazy for me to say that I love you too?"

A small laugh escaped after I said this. A huge grin took up his face at my confession, his dimples really showing and a few crinkles to form around his eyes. It was a very heartwarming smile, a smile that I had fallen in love with.

I love him. I'm in love with Harry Styles.


	18. Seventeen.

Love.

One single word. A single word which can mean so many different things. A word that defines a person. A word which can solidify something that may not have been amazing. Four little letters that really doesn’t seem like much but in this moment it meant everything. I wasn’t even completely aware when I said it, I just seemed to know deep down that I didn’t just like Harry in a relationship way. Fear began to seep in once again as my mind reverted back to the one time I had ever loved someone but this time felt so different. Beforehand I had only thought I was in love. Right now though, it was painfully obvious that this was not the case this time. I was in love with Harry as a person and not simply with the idea of Harry.

One word.

And I had confessed to Harry that I had fallen in love with him, and he had also confessed the same. I won't lie by saying that I was scared about it, especially since we have only been a couple for just under a month. We were moving fast with this relationship and it did honestly terrify me right to the core. The last time I had ever told someone that I loved them who wasn't family was my ex- even though I now know that I was only infatuated with him. I loved him, but I was never in love with him. Until now, I had always thought that these two extremes were one in the same. Once again though, I realised this wasn’t the case. 

With Harry though it was so different. A kind of fire seemed to ignite within me whenever I thought about the curly haired singer. My heartbeat quickened when he looked at me, I trusted him completely and on top of that, I had told him things that I had never told anyone else. To some people it might be crazy, but to us it was amazing.

A big crazy, amazingly incredible chapter in our lives.

All of these thoughts were swimming around in my mind all the way to Chad's place, a smile huge on my face as I thought about it all. However, there was one thing which made me falter in it all. Harry was hiding something, something he had promised to tell me about. This, I completely understand. It was the strange behaviour which annoyed me really; his small breakdown from last night confirmed this.

When I did get home last night, I had once again completely avoided my mum. I didn't want to deal with any more excuses. I had just walked right into my bedroom and spread my whole body out across my bed. I wasn’t aware of where she was but I assumed that she was still sitting in the same position that I had left her in. There was still rage buried inside of me that I knew would come to the surface the second I laid eyes on her. She was acting like she was the only person it was affecting but what she didn’t know was that it was affecting me. Did she have a problem and I had just been too blind to see it? Or had she just learned how to keep everything hidden until she faltered?

I snapped out of it when I noticed someone click their fingers in front of my face. I looked to the side and I spotted the extremely irritating guy who I just so happen to call my best friend. I shook my head a bit and began the drive to campus. However, the blush on my cheeks instantly deepened when I caught him making kissy faces my way out the corner of my eye. I tightened my lips whilst flipping him off, which caused him to laugh very loudly.

"Someone have a good night then?"

I wasn't looking at him, but I knew him so well by now that I knew he was wiggling his eyebrows at me suggestively. This only caused me to get even more embarrassed. I bit my lip a little bit to contain the billion insults which were swirling in my head. Instead, I attempted to change the subject;

"What classes have you got today then?"

By now, I had just pulled up outside the campus. Neither of us wanted to get out just yet though seen as we had arrived early, much to my annoyance. I slept in this morning and had rushed around like nothing else trying to get ready on time; I hadn't even done anything to my hair for once. Hence the reason I now looked as though I had a giant birds nest on top of my head. I wouldn’t even be surprised if a bird mistook it for its home that was how messy it was.

"Nice try Louis, give me some details."

I had to snort in failed amusement to try and hide my ever growing red neck. I turned the radio on, humming a little bit at the current number one single- which was Neyo's "Let Me Love You." I wasn't really a fan of his music but I did quite like this song. I looked down at my lap in embarrassment though again when I realised Chad was giving me kissy faces once more. Do I tell him? I suppose I should because for once I'm actually sure of something in my life, and I never kept anything from my best friends.

"We may have confessed something to each other Chad."

I tightened my lips, hoping he might understand what I meant with such a statement. I knew he didn't know when he made a strange noise in confusion. This caused me to roll my eyes and I leaned my head against the headrest again, staring out of the window. Chad was really an idiot when it came to relationships. I debated turning my head to look at the forever comical face he pulled whenever he was confused but I decided against it. I knew that if I did I would laugh and wouldn’t tell him. Instead I sighed slightly before just saying it;

"He told me he loved me Chad, and I told him the same."

As I said this, he started laughing hysterically. I frowned a little before turning in my seat to look his way. Why was he laughing right now? The only thing that seemed to make sense to me over his actions here was that he thought that I was joking. I was proven right when he opened his mouth and replied;

"You told him you love yourself- oh."

He trailed off when he realised what I had really meant in my statement. I couldn't resist punching his shoulder a bit at how vain he made me sound there. Then again, I can't really argue because I am vain and I am very proud to say so. I looked at his face now, his features showing nothing but shock- pure shock. It was an expression that I wasn’t really that accustomed with as far as Chad goes and it was extremely weird.

"Fucking hell Louis. This is going fast is it not?"

I nodded a bit in agreement. We were moving fast in our relationship, but it actually just felt right. I had never really felt this strongly about someone before. Fear was there though, fear of being hurt again. I don't know how I would be able to cope if I went through another heartbreak- sounds dramatic I know. But in a way I had been used emotionally and physically before, and cracks had left. Considering there was already cracks, this meant that I was easy to break. I didn’t want to be back in that state of mind I was when James and I had ended. 

"I know Chad, but for once it all just feels right."

Silence was what followed. He was shocked to put it lightly, and quite frankly I can't blame him. If someone came up to me saying they had fallen in love with someone after a month I would have laughed and told them they were being silly. Yet I am now in that boat. The amount of times where I previously would have laughed just thinking of situations like this but had been rendered speechless when they did actually happen in the past few months was absolutely ridiculous.

"Have you guys even come out yet in public as a couple? Like obviously people know you're both gay but you get what I mean?"

At this, my breath caught in my throat. He was right. Harry and I had still not confirmed we were an item to the public yet and this made me nervous. I already know that it will cause a shit tonne of controversy and truthfully I don't really want that. However, there was going to be no escaping it. I wasn't really nervous for myself even though I know I will get a lot of hate- truthfully though I've dealt with hate before so it shouldn't bother me too much.

I was more nervous for Harry. Confirming our relationship would change his image completely, which could really damage his career. I didn't want to be blamed for that happening though even though it would be partially my fault if it ever did. His image changing could leave him jobless. Yes, he does have a lot of money but this is a job he loves, I can't even imagine him doing something else.

"No, we haven't."

Chad gave me a sympathetic smile before we both got out, making our way to our respective buildings to make it our classes on time. Before we split up to go to our respective buildings however, he grabbed my arm a little and said quietly so nobody else could hear our exchange;

"I think you should talk to him about this Louis. I know you too well and I know you will want people to know coming from you and not from annoying paparazzi."

I nodded at this, waved to him and ran to my first class of the day. Twenty minutes in though, I was seriously questioning my life choices as my lecturer rambled complete and utter bullshit. This was not what I was expecting media studies to be like at all. The first five minutes were really interesting, but right now the lecturer had somehow begun talking about the Spanish civil war. How the fuck, does a civil war have anything to do with this subject? It gave me the perfect excuse however to slide my phone out under the desk. It was a good thing I knew my phone well enough to text without looking. I'm pretty sure this is the only thing I had ever completely learned.

[To: Popstar]  
Hey babe, are you busy? 

I rolled my eyes whilst she continued to rant the most random things she could possibly think of whilst I pretended to be writing- when really I was doodling over my notepad. From one quick glance around the room I knew that everyone else was thinking the exact same things as I was. A tiny smile formed when I spotted the tiny red light on my phone, telling me I had a text.

[From: Popstar]  
Hi love, not currently. I'm on a ten-minute break. More like so Julian can get food because he's been moaning a lot. 

The love made me blush a bit which I quickly managed to hide from curious eyes. Like Chad had said, I did not want people finding out about Harry and I's relationship through a paparazzi picture. I bit my tongue and found myself replying;

[To: Popstar]  
That's good then, it’s Julian so that isn’t surprising. I'm a bit confused though Harry right now.

Almost instantly the three little dots appeared underneath the text which told me he was replying right this second. That was the quickest Harry had ever replied back to me which told me he thought I was thinking something else. I mentally rolled my eyes because this meant that I was going to have to learn new ways to word things without it coming across as a completely different meaning.

[From: Popstar]  
Why are you confused love? Is everything alright?

I bit my lip and began to type out my answer. I erased it a couple of times because I wasn’t happy with it at all but I eventually just gave in and sent him what was initially my first reply.

[To: Popstar]  
We've not even came out yet Harry. It's making me question whether or not you really want to be with me.

I sighed a bit and realised the class had finished- thank fucking God. I packed my stuff away and walked out into the corridor, glad that I had an hour long break. It kind of sucked though because Chad had Biology right now which meant we couldn't meet up until the lunch hour. I walked outside and sat down on a bench, my eyes widening at Harry's lengthy reply.

[From: Popstar]  
I understand Louis, but please know that this is new to me. I've never been in a relationship before let alone one in the public eye. I know it sounds selfish, but I have been thinking about your feelings to all of this. I don't want you to be attacked by trolls online, I don't want to see you upset or hurt. I love you Louis, even if it is still early days I know I do. If it is really starting to get to you though we could announce it soon, after I speak to my management of course. But please love, you must be absolutely certain that you want us to confirm our relationship. Things will never be the same between us if we do.

Even though it was only a text message, I still smiled deeply. I was still a bit nervous though about coming out as a couple, but I now know he wants it too. I don't think either of us can now keep our hands or mouths away from each other- gosh, that is an innuendo. It was true though.

Harry and I had now confessed to loving each other and it had only made me fall even deeper for him than I already had. It's just so strange to think that four months ago we didn't know each other. Well, I knew him through Lottie and Félicité’s obsessions but he didn't know me. I never really thought I would say this, but I'm glad that Félicité got lost backstage that day.

After all, if that didn't happen we probably wouldn't have met. I jumped startled at feeling someone's hand gently grab hold of my shoulder; from the instant cackling laugh I knew that it was Chad. I gave him a mock look of fury as he sat down beside me. I raised my eyebrow a little bit as I could tell he was going to say something.

"Well, are we not leaving for the café then? You did drive us in mate."

Fuck. In my rush this morning I had forgotten my wallet. I hadn't even noticed at all today but my empty pocket confirmed this. I let out a loud groan in pure annoyance and Chad instantly knew as he gave me a massive eye-roll.

"You forgot your wallet didn't you?"

I nodded and closed my eyes at my own stupidity. Looks like I was going without food until I got home. I suppose it wasn't too bad though because I only had one more class and Chad was finished for the day. He had to wait though because I was his ride this morning.

I continued to text Harry, being careful to hide my phone from anyone who walked past who might snoop. I had already caught the same girl from a few days before looking over my shoulder trying to see what I was doing which had fucking annoyed me. I just don't get why everyone was so fascinated with me. I'm human, just like everybody else. It was obvious they only wanted to get to know me to get close to my boyfriend which I was not happy about. It was Chad's irritated groan which caught my attention. I looked up at him and he pointed behind me, I swung around in my seat to see what all of the commotion was about.

"They're picking on that poor kid again. Not even a fucking week in and people are already bullying."

At this, I grabbed the wooden bench in anger. I stood up and waltzed over to the same guy I punched before. Despite me being shorter, he still looked alarmed at noticing me. I smiled though at the large bruise on his face right now, I hope it hurt like a bitch. The whole group turned to look at me now and I made a quick hand gesture telling Marcel to run whilst I had captured their full attention. He got the hint and backed up slowly until he was out of earshot before running in the opposite direction. He sent me a grateful wave whilst doing so and I turned my attention back to the group- Chad had also joined me now and I knew that his impressive height and build was setting some of them on edge.

"What the fuck did the poor kid ever do to you lot? Learn your fucking morals already and treat everyone like equals!"

I yelled it out and I realised we had gained a bit of an audience. They all sniggered though but my harsh glare shut them up again. I walked up to blue face as I'm now going to call him from the mark I gave him before and spat in fury;

"Do you want that nose fucking broke right now?! Your face is still painful I presume?"

Now, the fear entered his features and he slowly backed up. It didn't take me long to realise that he must have been the group leader because they all walked after him. I let out a loud grunt now and slowly, the rest of the accumulated crowd left to do whatever they were doing previously. Chad walked away as well and I gave him a questioning glance.

"I saw that poor kid run to the back of my building, I'm going to see if he is ok or not."

My mouth dropped open now and I quickly made to follow him. I could feel the stares on my back but right now I wasn't giving a single fuck towards anything. I was startled by how quiet it actually was around the back of the building, I couldn't see anyone here. I knew there was though as I heard a slight sniffling sound which meant someone was crying. Chad gave me a look which told me he was thinking the same as me, it was Marcel.

We both followed the sound and pretty soon found him crouched up behind a tree, pretty much completely concealed from sight unless he was being looked for. It is just so sick that only a week into college and this poor kid has already been reduced to tears thanks to some judgmental arseholes. I hesitated before grabbing his knee in reassurance, him jerking slightly as he stared up at me.

"It's ok; they aren't going to come after you the rest of the day."

He nodded a bit but he was still shaking badly. It must not be easy being in his position currently. Chad also offered him some words of encouragement and it wasn't long until he smiled a bit. Not a large smile, it was barely there actually. But a smile all the less. It wasn't until his gaze caught mine that I felt my breath catch in my throat.

Emerald green. A shade that was so familiar to me.

We stayed with him for a bit longer before I walked over to my next class. Chad stayed with Marcel who I'm guessing either had a break or he had finished for the day. Either that or he was avoiding those horrible people and refusing to go to his lectures. This only sickened me; I just don't understand why some people are so horrid. Everyone should just be treated like equals and that is final.

During my final lecture however, I spotted a large black van which did seem familiar to me. It was like the vans Harry got chauffeured around in, why was there one on campus? I soon spotted a familiar set of glasses look around cautiously before slipping in the backseat. Gees, this Marcel kid must be filthy rich in order to have a private chauffeur. A few seconds later the van had driven out of my sight but I still felt bad for the guy.

After all, nobody deserves to be treated like that. Especially only a week into college.


	19. Eighteen.

I was nervous. Very nervous.

It didn't go unnoticed either. After Harry and I had decided to confirm that we were definitely more than just friends, I felt relief. Along with the relief however, was the unsettling feeling of how people will take the news. Of course, we might not be able to come out officially for a little while, but we would be able to say that we were both in relationships which was a lot better than remaining tight-lipped over everything. Then again, if we did say it in that way, people would very easily make the connection and realise that we are together.

This was the reason I was currently scrolling through the tag of the ship name we had been given by his fans. Seeing what they were all saying and smiling at all the nice comments. I knew though that the majority of these opinions would change. Not being straight is still a rather taboo subject. Maybe not in the UK as much, but some countries it is. On top of that, opinions can change. When it is only speculation then for a certain amount of time it is just fun and games. When it is confirmed though, then everything becomes a lot more serious.

It really disgusts me that in some countries a person can be given a death sentence for being anything short of 'normal'.

Bullshit in my opinion. Being lesbian, gay, transsexual, or bisexual should not be frowned upon. Everyone is human and some annoying fuckers need to know that. There is also something that annoys me though when people say they are straight. What does that make people who aren't? Bent?

I shook my head a bit to stop my mind from going into overload over the entire thing.

I was waiting on Harry to call me currently anyway. He had arranged a meeting with his management last night about us coming out officially as a couple and I knew he was terrified about what the possible outcome might be. Will we just be allowed to say we are in relationships? Or will we be able to confirm that we are in a relationship with each other? There are so many different possibilities. I just know that I don't really want to hide it from people anymore.

I want to be able to look deep into his eyes in public. I want to be able to hold his hand whilst walking down the street. I want to be able to kiss him in front of cameras. I simply no longer want to pretend that we are only friends. Especially since our relationship was strong.

I was bouncing my knee a little whilst lying down on my bed, staring at the small device in my hands. I scrolled for a few more minutes before putting it beside me, making sure to take it off of silent so I know when Harry calls. I heard a creaking noise which I knew was my door, my head snapping up to see my mum.

I swallowed the bile that formed in my throat. I had not spoken to her since the whole drunk incident. Well I had, but only so my sisters didn't get suspicious. I didn't want either of them knowing what I had walked in on. She was looking down at the ground, shuffling her feet awkwardly. She was finally going to talk. Did it have to be now though? I was kind of going through my own problems right now, I don't need any more on top of that.

I didn't say anything for a little but she slowly walked in and sat down beside me on the bed. I felt my heart break a little when I noticed the tears that were pooling in her eyes. No matter how annoyed I am with her, she is still my mum and I love her to pieces. No bond of love is stronger than that of mother and child.

It was like there was a wall between us. An invisible wall which was preventing either of us from speaking, preventing us from touching one another. Slowly, that wall was breaking apart, with every small tear that fell from my mum's eyes a brick disappeared forever. For a few minutes we both sat there, slowly allowing this invisible barrier to vanish. I hardly had any time to react when her arms were suddenly around me, pulling me extremely close to her. I let out a long shaky breath of relief. No words were exchanged between us, but thoughts were enough to express how we both felt at this moment in time.

"I'm so sorry, Louis."

There it was. The apology I wanted.

I didn't want the apology simply for her being drunk in front of the girls. It was when she denied it, pretended it didn't happen that I wanted the apology for. An apology was the closure I needed that consisted of her admitting that what she done that day was wrong. I moved my arms to behind her back and held her just as tightly, letting my body language tell her that she was forgiven.

She nodded a bit and soon left my room, leaving me alone again. Not for very long though because I soon heard my phone ringing from my bedside table. My heart leaped a little bit as I knew it was Harry. My nerves kicked in again over the answers he got from his management over our relationship. I picked it up and answered the call.

"Hey babe."

I smiled a little when I heard his small chuckle from the other side.

"Hi love, how are you?"

I could already feel the blood rushing to my face at hearing that word again. He loves me, and I love him. It was just going to take quite a bit of time to get used to hearing.

"Good, my mum finally apologised too so it's no longer awkward between us. So?"

I bit my lip a little, awaiting the answer. The answer which will confirm whether or not we can announce what we have been hiding for the past month. He sighed a bit which made me feel bad, this doesn't sound too good. He waited a few seconds before yelling down the phone;

"We're allowed to Louis!"

I jumped up off the bed and hastily ran around trying to find my shoes. I had to smile a little at the memory of my second oldest sister wrecking the top floor of the house apart trying to find her converse. I ended up doing an awkward hopping seen as I was holding my phone against my cheek with my shoulder whilst doing my laces up. I think this calls for me going around to Harry's flat. I grunted when I hit my toe off the corner of my bed, causing numerous swears to leave my lips in frustration, and giving Harry a chance to laugh.

"Ever heard of loudspeaker Louis?"

I tightened my lips at the simple answer to all of this. As usual, I had ended up going with the more difficult option. This was so typical of me, acting before thinking. With an annoyed smirk I pulled on my jacket and grabbed my keys before hanging up. Harry knew me well enough by now that I would be making my way there right now.

I waved to my mum but I paused for a second when I spotted her gaze. I followed it but I was confused at the fact she was staring at the blank wall. Before I could think anything of it, I was in my car. Like usual, the journey took roughly half an hour. It probably wouldn't take that long but yeah; London traffic is always horrific no matter what time of day it is. Although it is usually at its worst between 5P.M.-7P.M. because people are rushing home from work so they can get food and to spend time with their families.

This made me stop and think a little again. I had not seen Mark since he came back from his lazy lad’s afternoon. He came home but he was out of the house again ridiculously early. Well, maybe not early but I was usually still asleep when he left. That's what I get I suppose for taking afternoon classes at college.

I had to resist doing a stupid happy dance that I remembered the correct way to Harry's flat. That's the first time I've done so without stopping to wrack my brain trying to remember directions. I was caught off guard though when the door swung open and he instantly grabbed me by my shoulders and leaned in. His boldness surprised me but I decided to irritate him a bit. I purposely brushed my own lips over his, causing him to let out a very frustrated grunt at my lack of cooperation.

He didn't admit defeat though because he grabbed my cheeks and forced our lips to meet. This was definitely a completely different kiss from all of our previous ones. This one was hungry and needy, whereas our others were all sweet and full of passion. Of course we were passionate right now, but I knew why we were kissing so ferociously right now. This was essentially our first official kiss in a way. For the past month we have told very few people about us being together, yet now we are allowed to confirm it. We didn't need to hide anymore and neither of us cared what people would think about us dating.

I moaned deeply when he grabbed a hold of my bottom lip and nibbled lightly against the tender skin, goosebumps forming along my arms at Harry's dominance. We slowly backed up until I felt my back press against a wall, Harry's hands till clasped to my cheeks so I wouldn't break away. I wouldn't even break away anyway; I was enjoying this far too much. I began molding my lips around his with more pressure, a loud grunt escaping the slight parting of his mouth. There was a very erotic thought in having your eyes closed whilst snogging the living daylights out of your lover and hearing those pleasured sounds escape their lips.

I didn't even need to peek at him to know he was seriously enjoying this right now, maybe even more than I was. I had never been kissed like this before in my life. Being practically attacked with so much expression that my skin was physically tingling in pleasure. I lazily swung my arms around his back, slowly sliding my hands up behind his neck and brought his face even closer to mine. My nose was beginning to itch from bumping with Harry's, but there was no way this kiss was stopping right now.

He eventually let go of my cheeks and moved his arms to behind me, moving down slowly. I whined when I felt him gently pinch my bum cheeks and keep the position. I was panting heavily, my eyes still closed but I knew exactly where Harry was. When I opened my mouth I felt his tongue begin to slither into my mouth. I smirked a little; two can play at this game. I pressed my own tongue against his, fighting him for my own dominance. I heard him chuckle deeply at realising what I was doing right now.

Our tongues continued to battle for access, all whilst our lips were angrily molding against each other. Well one thing is for certain, he sure as hell knows how to kiss. After a few seconds he gave up, understanding that I wasn't going to back down, I smiled triumphantly against his mouth. I softly ran my tongue across his own, stretching back, making sure I explored all of his mouth. I felt amazing at the fact that Harry had never been kissed before me, never been in a relationship before me. The tiny grunts, pants and moans escaping his body were all because of me.

I went to flip our bodies around but I ended up tripping over my own feet, leading to us on top of each other on the floor. It was a good thing we had closed the door, I'm pretty sure the sight of this would be enough to scar anyone for life. We still didn't break our kiss however, if anything we were snogging even harder than before. I smirked a tiny bit when he let out a rather uncomfortable groan, I knew why though. I could feel his slowly growing bulge and his ridiculously tight jeans was giving him a shit tonne of friction right now.

I decided to frustrate him even more and softly rubbed my body against his lightly. His mouth opened even wider and a longer moan left his mouth, telling me instantly that he was enjoying it. I found my hand slowly slithering up underneath his patterned shirt, feeling his very slight muscles against my fingertips. When my hand brushed over the centre of his rib cage I could feel his heart thumping against the skin, desperate to escape from its contained space in his body. I continued to gently rock against his body, my lips and tongue still attacking his own mouth.

"Lou. Fuck, Louis!"

Hearing that instantly made everything even more sexual than before. Hearing him panting my name with so much force and feeling his still growing groin against my own caused a euphoric feeling to drift over both of our bodies. I only realised now that I was sweating a little, and I knew it was from our rather intense kiss. After a few more minutes we slowly pulled away from each other, neither of us even daring to break eye contact. His eyes were practically glowing in admiration and relief right now, relief from being able to be ourselves in public without trying to hide our feelings for each other.

I was grinning wide whilst staring down at his red face and swollen lips. I'm pretty sure I looked exactly the same from his point of view; I could already feel my mouth stinging. All of that kiss must be leaving some form of bruise; there is no way it can't. That was one fucking long passionate moment between us. I felt his hands gently cup my cheeks, his grin growing wider as he said;

"We can come out; we no longer need to hide Louis."

I let out a short chuckle and stood up, helping him up along with me. I blushed in embarrassment at our rather noticeable private parts- if you get what I mean. He only laughed, telling me he didn't care about the fact that we both had boners. I was still embarrassed however and made my way over to his bathroom to deal with the problem at hand. Once that was dealt with, I found my way over to his office/studio room. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion at the multiple notepads strewn around the room. I didn't even need to look hard to see the words written on the paper. Harry was writing again. I know it classes as snooping, but I found myself drawn to them in a sense. I slowly walked forward and picked one up, my eyes scanning the words quickly.

Multiple forms of darkness.

That was what the first line said, what the hell did that even mean? I quickly scanned the rest of it, my eyes slowly welling up. This was dark, extremely dark. It didn't take me long to realise that this song or poem was about depression. Why would Harry be writing about depression? Surely he can't know what it is like? Harry has it all. He has a job he loves, he gets to travel, he has a very large flat with a Jacuzzi, he has many friends, he has millions of fans on both sides of the ocean and on top of that he is very rich. He can't have depression, can he?

The nightmares. The screaming. His withdrawal. How he refuses to answer certain questions and gets defensive.

I didn't have much time to think because I soon heard a gasp from behind me. It was a good thing I had set the notepad down so I didn't look too suspicious, but he wasn't stupid. Harry knew I had at least looked at one of these pages. He slowly walked over and picked them all up, my eyes still fixed firmly on one in particular. Harry was stood still, staring at me. I knew he was waiting on me to ask him something, what all of this meant. I gulped a bit and bluntly asked;

"Harry, do you have depression?"

He looked down to the ground, I noticed a few tears fall. I didn't even think before pulling him into an extremely tight hug, his quiet sobs echoing in my ear. He didn't need to say anything; his actions here were all the proof I needed. How long has he been like this for? It must be a while because he hid it so well from everyone. A few moments passed and by now he had finally managed to stop crying. I held his back tightly as his head fell into the crook of my neck, shaky breaths leaving him.

"I don’t have depression Louis, nobody has it. People either are or are not depressed. But yes, I have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. It was years ago though and it’s just never really gone away. I don’t think it ever will go away if I’m being honest."

Before. So I was right then. Harry has slowly been suffering from a mental illness probably in complete secret. I don't think many people know, he is too private over his personal life. Yes, he is open about opinions and his music, but when it gets personal he immediately avoids it. His confession still caused a really uneasy feeling deep inside of me, seemingly igniting a part to me body that I wasn’t aware existed until now. The fact that he was officially diagnosed with it only made it seem more real. Slowly he pulled away and his facial expression had returned back to how it normally was, a mask. A mask hiding how he truly feels and this showed me one thing in particular.

I had just broken through another one of Harry's many barriers, he had let me in. He had let me see a side to him that probably no one else has ever seen. Another invisible barrier destroyed from his perfected exterior. He smiled suddenly and said with a slight laugh;

"So, how are we going to announce that we are together since my management has given us the go ahead?"


	20. Nineteen.

It was a huge relief to hear those words leave his mouth. He was vague yes, but he had confessed something which had given me an even deeper understanding of him.

Depression.

I've never known anyone who has this mental problem personally, but I knew it was bad. Everything made sense to me now. Well, maybe not everything but a fair amount. I did know that it was extremely easy to hide and Harry had mastered the art of hiding it.

Looking at a poster of him smiling, looking at him on stage- no one would guess that he would have a recognised mental illness. I don't really want to use the word illness around Harry in case he gets the impression that I think differently of him now- because I don't. He is still the Harry who was my boyfriend; he is still the same person that I have fallen in love with. I spent the next few hours at his flat, both of us joking around, playing video games and eating takeaway pizza.

It startled me a little bit at how quickly I accepted this. I can actually remember myself saying that I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone with any form of mentality which wasn't considered ordinary. Then again, I was around fifteen at the time but yeah. He didn't speak much about it after that but I knew it was going to take time to get him to crack open his tough shell. Now that I thought about it, there was probably only one person who knows absolutely everything and that was Niall.

I hadn't seen him since we all met a while back, and sadly I was quite glad of such a thing. I still felt really uneasy around him after the entire threat thing, for good reason though. That phone call and my previous revelation confirmed that he had broken Harry's shell. I shook my head a little in amusement and turned my attention to the television once more. We weren't really watching anything in particular, just skimming through the channels looking for something to do. After a few minutes of doing this, I worked up the courage to ask Harry about this illness more;

"How bad is it, you know the-"

I didn't finish as he cut in with a questioning tone;

"Depression?"

I gulped a little and nodded. I didn't really want to prod too much into it, but I wanted to know more about this. I felt like I needed to know more because this is quite a serious thing. He sighed and looked down a little, licking his lips lightly before saying;

"It comes and goes Louis. Some days I'm perfectly ok mental wise and other days it just takes over. I can't really explain what it is like; I think it's only something you can fully understand if you have had it yourself. It's like all feeling just disappears from you, leaving you feeling nothing but horrible emotions. It leaves you really upset most of the time; you can't really do anything without feeling like you are trapped. It's like being in a box that prevents you from doing anything, leaves you feeling worthless. That is probably the simplest way that I can put it Louis."

I nodded, digesting all of this new information. I was waiting on him to continue but he didn't, he was probably expecting me to say something to him first. With that I firmly stated;

"I don't see you any different you know. You're still the same person that I fell in love with Harry."

I had to let out a tiny chuckle as a cheesy grin took up his face, allowing his dimples to deeply indent into his cheeks. His dimples were one of my favourite things about him physically, they were so different. We lapsed into a bit of silence, neither of us knowing exactly what to say. There were so many questions running through my mind currently, but I didn't want to set him off. I hated seeing him upset, it honestly ripped my heart open when I saw him even slightly sad. It was the way he confirmed it which was still irritating me. He had said before, which meant he has been going through this for quite a while.

"When is it you were, well- diagnosed?"

I bit my tongue as I watched him stiffen up a little at the question. With the small gesture I didn't expect to get an answer out of him- or at least not a straight one. I was right with this though because he quickly changed the topic again. This time however, I bit my tongue. If he really isn't ready to tell me I'm not going to force him to tell me. At least he had opened up a little bit, it was a start. With that conclusion, I knew what I had to do. I was going to help Harry through this.

\---

Almost a fortnight had gone by since then. Harry didn't talk anymore through those fourteen days about everything, didn't answer my question. It was a tough question for him though; does he even really know how long he has had this for? The chances are Harry had been going through this long before he was officially diagnosed- I don't even know when he was. If so, how had he realised that what was going on was strange? Did he just talk with a psychologist over it or something?

Throughout those two weeks, our relationship had gotten even stronger. I can't even begin to express the amazing passionate kisses we have shared, all the tender touches, all the cute sayings and deeply loving glances. We had still not officially confirmed we were together; we just weren't entirely sure how to do so. Harry suggested using social media, but I was against this. I don't know, for some reason I always feel that things online aren't always real.

So many people edit everything online so that they look as though everything going on with their lives is perfect. No one’s life is perfect though, there is no such thing as a completely perfect life. If we posted anything on social media like us kissing or holding hands, people would most likely automatically assume that it was Harry's management wanting attention. No, we had to confirm we were together by going on a date or during an interview.

A date as a whole wouldn't be the best thing though because Harry can't even go to the shop on the corner to buy a pint of milk without being stalked by paparazzi and fans. The latter doesn't annoy him as much, although I can tell it still gets on his nerves. He only sees himself as Harry. Not the singer Harry Styles. He doesn't see himself as a famous singer, he only sees himself as a regular eighteen-year-old.

I shivered a little and tugged my hoodie tight around me, wishing I had brought a jacket with me to college today. It was deceivingly cold today, it looked like it could be thirty degrees yet it was more like ten- if that. Then again, it is October now, winter is approaching. Chad was currently occupied in destroying his lunch again in the small cafe- it is sad that I can't even remember the name of this place. We have been here easily over a hundred times yet neither of us can remember what it is called.

I glanced out the window, watching as the cold autumn/winter sun beat down. Watching the tree branches sway in the strong winds and making a light whistling sound. I snapped to attention though when I spotted a familiar mop of gelled hair walk past. His head darted up for a split second and I felt bile rise in my throat. He smiled lightly at me, lowered his gaze and carried on out of sight. There was a purple/yellow bruise forming on his cheek.

Chad rolled his eyes in annoyance which told me he had seen too, even though the action was barely noticeable. As sad as it is though, no one ever really acknowledges people like Marcel, almost like he isn't human. I didn't just feel sympathy for the guy; I was disgusted by the fact that he was singled out so much because he was smart and dressed a little differently from everyone else. The bullying had not been physical in college because I would have seen it, which meant this was happening outside as well. This poor boy was being alienated no matter where he went and this only made the bile boil inside my throat.

I stirred my straw around inside the milkshake I got, only a medium vanilla. Unlike Chad with his usual extra-large caramel. To be honest, I'm jealous of Chad because of this. The guy eats like a horse, avoids pretty much everything healthy yet still stays in perfect health. Then again, he does go to the gym daily for an hour, something I don't think I could ever commit to. I'm just nowhere near as motivated as some people are. I felt Chad's eyes on me which caused me to look up.

"So when are you and Harry telling people that you are, you know, dating?"

I sighed again and leaned back into the leather seat, I quickly summarised everything up for Chad and he nodded. After a few seconds he replied;

"So you want to come out officially, like him during an interview or something?"

I nodded, telling him the agreement Harry and I had come to. We had argued over it- not seriously though- and he agreed to do so in this way. Harry's next interview was not for another week, which meant we had another week completely to ourselves. It's still scary to think that Harry and I have been together for six weeks now. This time though, it wasn't the whole aspect of being in a public relationship- which in a few days was only going to get even more public. It was around this time when the more psychological abuse began with the extreme dickhead that was my ex. I did believe Harry of course when he told me that I should never change and that he loves me the way that I am, but all of those niggling thoughts still lingered in the back of my mind. At first it started with my friends, then I was cutting off family and finally I began acting different.

I was angry most of the time but I contained it, I never got into trouble. I felt like absolute shit to put it nicely, and I took it out on everyone. When my mum began questioning me about my erratic behaviour though, I had snapped at her and I didn't talk to her for weeks on end. It was only when I realised that I was being strung along as a puppet for appearances sake that I mended my relationship with my mum. Some people find it ridiculous that I am so close to her, but they didn't go through the same things that I did.

This was also another reason for me to be worried over her strange behaviour. She was still spacing out often, staring into emptiness. She was losing weight which I knew was from stress of something because she did eat often and I had never seen her be sick. Well, not since the whole vodka mix incident. I never did ask her what else was in that bottle for it to smell so putrid. It was like all of the tables turned on us, now I was the one who was trying to get through to her and not her trying to get through to me.

Even the girls were beginning to notice her odd behaviour which really saddened me. Phoebe came up to me this morning asking why mum was so quiet seen as she is usually rather loud. I had to lie through my teeth and tell her she had a headache, hoping she would drop the topic- which she did thankfully. I felt awful though for lying to her but I couldn't tell her the truth because I didn't even know what was happening myself. I just knew that something was going on in her life, there is no way she would act this withdrawn from everything without a reason.

A week ago too, Mark had left to go on yet another business trip. This time though he wasn't abroad which I suppose was a good thing, he was working in Manchester the next few days which was only around three hours from London. Despite this though, I had a strange feeling that it was something going on between my parents that was causing such behaviour. Was Mark's job finally putting a strain on everything? It wouldn't surprise me if it was to be completely honest, we're lucky if we get to see him more than twice a month.

Was all the pressure of being a parent of five to blame for it? I couldn't think much into the entire thing though; I couldn't jump to conclusions. There was so much being hidden from me and I don't know why. I know my mum is hiding something and I definitely know that Harry has been going out of his way to hide something from me. I had come to the conclusion that whatever this was that he was avoiding, may have led to him developing a mental illness. If this was the case, were those nightmares flashbacks of whatever it was that he was trying to hide? I shivered at the thought.

Before I knew it I was back home. Walking into the quiet household was torture to say the least. It was Chad who had picked me up this morning so the girls were either walking home from school or a friend was dropping them off. My mum was working again today; it was all she seemed to do as of late. She already worked often with being a nurse and a qualified midwife, but even she seemed to be working more than usual. That night I spent catching up with Olly on Skype and texting Harry until the early hours. Hopefully everything will make sense soon and with that I had fallen into a deep sleep.


	21. Twenty.

One week. That is how long had gone by. As my classes began to get even more demanding, the days began to feel shorter, and I had a lot less time to myself. This kind of irritated me a little because it meant I couldn't see Chad or Harry often. Yeah I saw Chad at college but the majority of the time he was in a different building to me seen as he was a bit of a science nerd. The three of us had different interests as far as academics went. Chad being really interested in science, me being really interested in performing arts, and then Olly being interested with anything and everything numerical.

I guess it ran in his family however. His dad was a banker originally and his mum used to be a successful accountant. We hardly ever call each other by our old nicknames anymore because truthfully they aren't as funny as they used to be. Occasionally we still did when we were reminiscing on old childhood memories which almost always consisted of the first two years of High School for us. It was those two years that Olly was still here just as his parent’s business began taking off. It was horrible standing in the airport the summer after that as he prepared to move to Vancouver.

We never went longer than three days without talking to each other from then on, even though the time changes were extremely annoying. Although it was funny once because Chad and I had decided to call him multiple times throughout the day- knowing that for him it was 6am, he wanted to strangle us for that. I shook my head to stop thinking about all of this before I got upset at the concept of not being able to see Olly for another few months probably and proceeded to think about my boyfriend.

Tomorrow. It was tomorrow we were confirming that we were an item.

It shocked me a little at how calm I was over the subject. I knew that I was going to get hate which did linger on my mind- but hate wasn't going to keep me from seeing Harry. It wasn't going to stop me loving him. Since his confession and his albeit brief explanation I had decided to take it upon myself to research more into depression. It startled me how the signs were always there- I had simply just never made the connection. I wasn't entirely sure what form of depression it was he had, but I felt that I had gained enough of the basic facts in order to understand him more.

This was why I was making my way downstairs into the living room. For the first time in weeks, my mum had a day off. My mouth watered at the strong scent of sausages and bacon being fried, I guess it was full English for breakfast today. Well more brunch actually seen as it was just after twelve but still. The girls were already away out for the day seen as it was Saturday. The twins were at a neighbour’s house and the oldest two went away bowling for the day with a couple of their friends.

I sat down on the couch and rested my feet on the table, already knowing my mum would pester me about it- then she would do the same. We were so alike each other it was funny. Then again for the first few years of my life it was only me and her. She met Mark when I was six and a little over a year later Lottie was born. It wasn't long after she was born that they got married seen as they had been planning it since before she found out she was pregnant and the picture was now hung in the alcove next to the television.

My mum walked in now and I didn't fail to notice the big bags underneath her eyes. I shook off any suspicions because she has been working ridiculously long hours the last few days. It surprised me a little that she was standing up right now and not collapsed on her bed. I know I would if I worked so much in the space of a few days. My eyes bulged at the large tray of food, my mum chuckling lightly beside me. She never split the food up; she always put it in trays so we could take as much of whatever we wanted. It did stop numerous silly quarrels between everyone.

We sat in silence, both of us simply enjoying our food before it got cold. Within a few minutes it was all gone, I let out a long contented sigh which earned a laugh from my mum. This was nice, just an in day with her. Very rarely did we get to do this, and when we do we usually always take full advantage of it. It struck me suddenly how long it had been since I was last at a party- it had been a few months ago. Well technically it was two months ago when it was the twin’s birthday but that doesn't really count. 

Strangely though, I didn't miss it. This was weird for me as I am a huge party animal usually, was I just going through a bit of a phase? I forced myself to stop thinking though and returned to what I was planning on asking my mum. Because she is a nurse, she has probably dealt with depression before or at least one type anyway. Perhaps she can help me understand more on a personal level, because I want to fully understand Harry. I want to know why he has built these walls around him and let very few people in. I highly doubt that anyone in his management even know about his diagnosed mental condition. I chuckled lightly at seeing my mum’s feet on the table much like my own; it is comfy though so why not? I thought about how I could word this without seeming strange but I eventually gave up before I ended up gaining a headache from overthinking.

"Mum, have you ever had a patient with depression before?"

She raised an eyebrow at me in confusion but she slowly nodded. This made me sigh in relief, so there was a possibility she could help me here. She was still giving me a strange look but replied;

"I've came across a few cases, why are you asking that Louis?"

I bit my lip to stop it from trembling; I wasn't sure whether to tell her it is Harry that I'm talking about or not. He didn't say much about it, but I somehow knew that he didn't want me to tell anyone about it. If he did want people knowing he would tell them himself, he wouldn't want them to find out through someone gossiping. I looked down before saying;

"I know someone who has it mum and I kind of wanted a second opinion on it."

She gave me a confused glare but thankfully let the fact go that I was keeping Harry anonymous right now. For the next hour she told me everything she knew. Some symptoms she said I knew Harry didn't possess, but others he definitely did. She gave me enough facts to the point that I was quite certain that I knew how not to accidentally upset Harry. She said that at times the mentioning of something can set off an episode. When she said this, I thought long and hard to the times that Harry got down. His family. It was when someone in his family was mentioned- well actually only his mum was mentioned that caused Harry to break a bit. 

If speaking of his mum set off these episodes, does anyone else in his family set them off as well? I had only ever heard of him speaking of his mum twice, no one else. Before I could think further into it I had gotten up and walked into the kitchen. I opened the fridge to grab a cold can of cola when I noticed something which brought back a memory from not long ago. I pushed everything aside and my fears were confirmed. An empty wine bottle- completely drained dry. I pulled it out and sniffed it again, it smelled normal. At least this one didn't seem to be some disgusting cocktail.

However, it was still a bottle of wine which meant my mum lied to me again. Is it maybe old and she just didn't throw it out yet? No, it couldn't have been. She had only done a food shop yesterday and the fridge was bare- I would know because I helped her put everything away. Which meant this was either drank last night or this morning. I picked it up and walked into the living room, she didn't even flinch. I let out a long sigh in disappointment which did catch her attention. When she knew that I had caught her out for the second time in less than two weeks her eyes immediately welled up in tears.

It was obvious right now that she wanted pity, but I wasn't going to give it to her. She knew I was still severely pissed off at her for the last time even though she had apologised. I now knew that meant nothing to her now- she was trying to get me off her back. She failed though because I caught her out again. When she realised I wasn't going to give in to her pleading look she turned her gaze elsewhere. I let out another irritated sigh before disposing of the bottle, closing my eyes for a split second to try and hold my anger in.

I could already feel the tears building up but I was not going to let them fall. This time she had better have a decent reason and not give me bullshit like she did last time. I looked out the window for a split second before walking back in and I noticed that my mum was looking down at her intertwined hands. I sat down in front of her, crossed my legs and leaned back. At first she didn't do anything but after an awkward few seconds she looked me in the eye. I didn't even need to say anything to tell her what I was asking, she knew. She let out a small whimper before stating;

"Things haven't been right for a while now Louis."

At this I furrowed my brows, what the fuck did that mean? She didn't break her gaze though, which caused me to give her the same intense look. She seemed to understand that I wasn't sure what she was trying to get at so she bit her lip and continued;

"Mark and I have been fighting a lot recently Louis. Cracks have been showing for a while but it's only the last couple of months that either of us really talked about it."

My mouth fell open in shock, the tears suddenly pooled behind my eyes again but this time for a different reason. Was this why my mum had been acting so strange lately? My hands covered half of my face at the pure shock of everything whilst I waited on her to continue.

"I don't know how it happened Louis, but I guess we just fell out of love with each other. We are going to try for your sake and for the girls' sake but we can't promise anything."

Suddenly I was angry again. A couple of months. This has been going on for a couple of months which meant that my mum had lied to me again, and on multiple occasions. Being lied to is honestly the one thing I hate most and truthfully this confession has made me question my relationship with my mum. Harry's wise words were now revolving in my mind which did give me some comfort. I didn't push her a lot, just hinted it and she had willingly told me. This meant that we still had a chance of repairing what has been strained between us. Something Harry didn't get to do- I need to stop thinking about this and more on the problem at hand. She said they were going to try but by looking in her eyes I knew it was a lost cause. I licked my lips lightly only realising now just how dry they were and asked;

"Are you getting divorced?"

I already knew the answer, but I somehow felt as though I needed to hear it said in words. She finally broke her gaze and returned to staring at her intertwined hands.

"Most likely Louis."

With this I had gotten up, walked into the hall and grabbed my coat. In a way I wanted her to run out and tell me everything was alright and it would work out. I knew that wasn't going to happen though. This is just absolute bullshit. They were going to try for my sake and for the girls but now that I had been told everything it was obvious it was a lost cause. My mum knew that this was the end of their marriage. It wasn't her thinking behind not telling me that was annoying me because I could understand perfectly. It was the fact she was lying to my face about it and trying to use alcohol as an escape.

It was only now I realised I was crying a little, this hurt a lot. Yes, Mark isn't my real dad but he is the only father figure I've had in my life. My biological dad has never given a shit about me; the last time I ever spoke to him he even asked me when my birthday was. No parents should have to ask their kids when their birthday is, it just showed me then that he never wanted to be a dad. So the fact that I was losing the only father figure I have was really upsetting me. 

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve before sliding into my car, tears still silently falling from my eyes. I checked my reflection in the mirror and I wish I hadn't. My face was red and puffy, my eyes really swollen from crying. I snapped the mirror back up before pulling out. I'm not even sure where I was going to go; there was no way I was staying at home tonight anyway after that confession. I know I would probably do something that I would seriously regret. I couldn't go to Chad's tonight seen as his cousin is visiting and I don't want to ruin their reunion. This only left Harry because I didn't really want to face anyone else in my family right now.

I wasn't even sure how long I was driving for, but I was soon outside Harry's flat. I turned the engine off and tried desperately to hold in the sob that was desperate to escape my mouth. If my mum lied to me about this for two months, what else has she possibly lied about? It was something about her, she was a master at lying and I had in some ways got that off of her. It's only over certain topics I can do it, but my mum can do it with almost anything. I shook my head a little and walked outside into the cold October afternoon. 

This year is going by so quickly for me; it was less than a week until November was here. Although it is the last five months for me that have been the craziest. By the time I was on Harry's floor and had knocked on his door I was a sobbing mess all over again. This was so fucked up and severely unfair. I'm not a fucking kid anymore yet my mum still treats me like I'm a very young teenager again- I'm eighteen. I know I'm still young but I'm sick of being kept in the dark about everything, I'm sick of being pushed aside by those I care for and of course being lied to.

I soon felt two lanky arms wrap around me and pull me in tight, I didn't even realise that Harry had opened the door. I knew it was him because all I could smell was strong peppermint. I didn't say anything, letting my body language tell Harry what was going on. I felt him pull me inside and he closed the door, his lips close to my forehead right now. I opened my eyes and leaned back after a few seconds and just told him;

"She fucking lied again Harry. My mum and stepdad are getting divorced and have been considering it for two months."

He pulled me close to him again understanding that I needed someone right now. I let my chin rest on his shoulder whilst his arms were softly rubbing against my back for reassurance. It was nice knowing that he was here for me, all I felt like right now was that everyone seemed to be turning against me. I pulled away after a few minutes which allowed me to calm down a little bit and I gave him a grateful smile which he returned shyly. I furrowed my brows though when he led me into his studio room, I noticed he had a document opened on his computer which was filled with multiple lines that I would never understand. He had three of his guitars strewn across the room but my eyes locked on the keyboard- I had not noticed that before. Harry's eyes followed mine before he chuckled softly.

"I got that a few days ago, saves me making trips to the actual studio more often."

I nodded in understanding and I found myself walking over to it. I didn't even look at the keys but I found my fingers begin tapping the keys in random notes. It wasn't long until Harry had picked up one of his guitars and began strumming along with me; I gave him a look and smiled lightly. He always seemed to know how to make me feel better. He sighed a bit and picked up a few sheets of paper before walking over to me. He handed them out but I gave him a confused look. I took them anyway but I still looked down confused at the action- why was Harry giving me blank sheets of paper? He seemed to know what I was silently saying because he said;

"Write and draw what you are feeling love. I know it sounds stupid but trust me on this one- it will help. It helped me through a very dark, trialing and depressing time and I believe it can help you as well."


	22. Twenty-One.

I couldn't even begin to describe how nervous I was. Today, it was today we were finally coming clean about being together. I had tried to eat breakfast this morning but I just couldn't keep anything down, I could feel my stomach flipping awkwardly which only made it worse. How will people react? Not good, that much I know. When I woke up I wasn't nervous or scared, but as soon as it sunk in that we will no longer be a 'regular' couple in a few hours it had hit me like a truck.

My heart was pounding inside my chest as the time drew nearer. I was meeting Harry at his flat in an hour so that gave me roughly twenty minutes to get ready for the day that is going to change my life. Maybe not forever, but for the next few months my life is not going to be the same. I already knew this was going to happen considering I am in a relationship with a very well-known singer, but just the anticipation of the public’s reaction was really making me question it.

Would we crumble apart in the limelight as a couple? Would all the rumours finally drive a huge wedge between us? Will all the attention cause us to argue constantly? Harry's words drifted back into my mind now, the damage beyond repair one. If we ended up fighting a lot would it leave either of us different? I had changed for the worst with my previous relationship and when it all ended so horribly I did wonder what I would do with my life.

I walked into my room, unaware of the exact time when I came inside and walked upstairs. Whenever something is going to happen, I always tend to sit outside in the peace and quiet. I'm not sure of how old I was when I began this habit, it's been the only thing I've ever really done to be completely honest. Something about the simplicity of nature has always reassured me. Today it didn't, because I'm scared.

If we are going to confirm everything, I may as well try to look decent. I pulled out some navy skinny jeans, a white t-shirt and some black vans. It may not be sophisticated in any way but at least it was still my style. I had already dealt with my hair this morning; it was in its now usual quiff. I pulled on a plain black jacket and picked up my phone before sliding it into my pocket. Harry's driver was picking me up seen as Harry had the interview in less than two hours from now.

In two hours, we will be out. I was kind of happy because that meant we would be able to do normal couple things of our own accord. We may not have been told to keep quiet because hardly anyone knew we were together even in Harry's team. Only my closest family, Chad, Olly, Chris and Niall knew we were together. As horrible as it is though- I'm glad I haven't crossed paths with the Irish lad since that night. I don't know what it was, but there was just something off about him that made me extremely uneasy- and not because of the threat.

It had only been fifty days. That was how long Harry and I have been a couple for. It doesn't seem like much but it really is quite a fair bit of time given the limited time we get to spend with each other. Our contrasting lives made that rather obvious. I had scrolled through that tag of the ship name again on Twitter to see everyone's opinion on the possibility of us being together. I had to chuckle at a picture which was obviously edited of us kissing. I have to give the girl in question credit though; she was obviously very good with Photoshop.

I jumped in fright though when I heard the loud honk from outside- telling me the driver was here. I really should learn his name already but it never comes up in conversation. I closed my eyes and let out a long shaky breath, this is actually happening. There is no turning back now.

With one more quick glance in the mirror to make sure my hair was still sitting nicely I ran downstairs and jumped into the black Mercedes van I had come to know so well. I had stayed at Harry's last night after the whole fight with my mum, but I came back home to get a change of clothes seen as I didn't have any at Harry's and his don't fit me. It fucking sucks sometimes being short and dating someone who is six foot tall does not help that.

The drive went by fast. Way too fast for my opinion. I could feel the anxiety gnawing away inside of me, screaming in my head telling me to not go through with this. However, the one thing I hate most is being lied to. That was the main reason I wanted to come out with Harry as a couple. It would be hypocritical of me to say that I hate it when people lie when Harry and I have been lying about our relationship in public.

Then again, when we were initially denying being romantically involved with one another, we actually weren't so it wasn't dreadful.

It was only that one interview that I ended up being interrogated on too back in Glasgow that we flat-out lied about being together. Neither of us was ready to announce it then as it was only the night before that we confessed to having feeling for each other. If anyone has the guts to confirm they are no longer single less than a day in I really don't know who they are. I looked down to my lap and realised I was subconsciously squeezing my fingers together. I took another deep breath before thanking the driver. He gave me an odd look- probably wondering why I was reacting the way I was currently. I nodded to him before sliding out the back of the car and walking up to Harry's flat. I checked the time on my phone which wasn't a great idea for me.

Less than an hour now.

In less than an hour the world will know that we are together and the thought was only terrifying me even more as every single second ticked by. Time was really not my friend today. I wanted to freeze it and continue our relationship in secret from everyone- but I knew I wouldn't be able to do that. Eventually we would have been outed anyway as Harry gets stalked by paparazzi everywhere he goes- I've even had strangers take pictures of me in the street simply because I know him. Am I really ready to be thrust into a lifestyle I barely know anything about?

Especially since I had college tomorrow. I already know that I am going to be the talk of the entire campus and people will want to befriend me simply to get to my boyfriend. That had already happened though, the girl who stormed out after I directly told her she wasn't using me to get to him not forgotten. She had tried once after that but she eventually got the hint and now no longer bugs me- well she actually gives me the odd evil glare on occasion but I kind of expected that. She thought I was being rude but I was just simply protecting Harry from psychotic people.

I soon realised that I was outside his door, my thoughts consuming my mind so much the last few minutes that I didn't realise I had already walked up the three flights of stairs to his flat. I didn't even knock because soon the door was flung open and I was pulled into a tight embrace. Just from the way he was holding me right now told me he was going through the exact same inner turmoil over everything as I was. We were both nervous and scared, but we wanted to tell people ourselves. I don't even know how the meeting with Harry's management went down when he told them we were together or what he did in order for them to let us announce it. They obviously went berserk at him because I already knew they disliked him simply because he is gay and refuses to act straight in public.

I soon felt his lips very gently brush against my cheek which made me turn my face a little to the side to gently kiss him. I walked inside now and I spotted that small notepad on the table again- with his battered acoustic guitar sitting against the couch again. I didn't need to ask him anything, he was writing again.

It helped me through a very dark, trialing and depressing time and I believe it can help you as well.

Twenty words. Twenty simple words which were imprinted into the back of my mind. These words only heightening the fact that mentally- Harry is not alright. He is happy, but he isn't truly happy. I may not know the extent of his depression or what caused him to develop it but it was a harsh realisation for me. I don't completely know my boyfriend and I don't like that fact. It is Harry's life though and if he wants to tell me, he will tell me. I just hope he does before I feel like I am being lied to on a larger scale.

We both sat in silence for the next thirty minutes, waiting on Chris to come and pick us both up to take Harry to the interview. I took in his attire now and nodded- as always, Harry looked fucking amazing. He had his usual black skinny jeans on with those worn down brown boots that he is known for. It was his cream coloured shirt with the gold swirls on it that brought the whole look together along with his multiple rings. It is his signature look though and people seem to like the fact that he isn't scared to dress the way he wants to.

He squeezed my hand tightly in reassurance to tell me that everything would be fine. At first we knew it wouldn't, but it would get better as time went on. I knew that I was in love with Harry and nothing was going to change that fact. Harry is used to this industry so he already gets trolled online on an everyday basis so it probably won't affect him much. I know the hate does get to him occasionally but for the most part he ignores it and I was a little jealous of him for that. If I saw a lot of hate online about myself all written by complete strangers, I would go mental. I frowned deeply at the thought because that was most definitely going to happen but I had made up my mind and I wasn't changing it last minute.

Only five minutes left to go. In five minutes we were leaving for the interview and to say I was shitting myself was a huge understatement. I can't even think of a single word that would describe how nervous and scared I was about this. Eventually, Harry gently took hold of my cheek and brought my face closer to his. I gasped lightly before he gently pressed his lips against mine and I couldn't deny his affection. I softly kissed back, letting all of my thoughts transfer through our conjoined lips as his transferred to mine. He was still softly cupping my cheek, his fingertips barely touching and his other hand was still laced with mine in reassurance. When we did manage to break apart from one another he squeezed my hand softly once more and stated;

"It will be alright Louis; I'll be here for you. I love you."

I smiled widely at the declaration. It worked though because I no longer felt the anxiety brewing inside of me, but I still felt rather sick. The knock on the door confirmed that it was eventually time. We both sat up, not bothering to let go of each other's hand as we walked outside. Chris gave us an awkward smile which told me that Harry had told him we were coming clean about our relationship today. He normally teased us but he knew this was a make or break thing. Harry will likely lose a shit tonne of fans soon simply because they didn't believe his sexuality and the thought scared me more.

The whole ride there I was bouncing my knee in an attempt to rid myself of some of the nerves, but it wasn't helping. Harry was scrolling through Twitter on his phone but he suddenly gasped and clicked on a post. He let go of my hand now and covered is mouth with trembling fingers. I looked over to see what was causing this and I felt my stomach drop considerably lower into my body at what I saw. It was a picture of us, moments before walking outside the front door of his complex and into the van. The autumn sun not hiding our tightly intertwined hands. Fucking hell, that was fast. That picture must have been taken no longer than ten minutes ago and it was already online. I didn't need to say anything to Harry about it because he seemed to read my mind and proceeded to read a few of the replies.

That is photoshopped.

Haha this isn't real, get over yourself people.

This has obviously been edited.

The ones of disbelief didn't shock me too much; it was the few after that which made me feel extremely bad.

Hahaha, that dick is still using Harry?

Get the fuck over yourself Louis, Harry is straight man.

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FUTURE HUSBAND ARSEHOLE!

Honestly, Louis is such an attention seeking whore it's unreal, how can Harry not see that?

I felt my cheeks slowly get wet indicating that I was crying. We hadn't even confirmed it yet I was already getting bullied online. I don't know any of these people and they were going out of their way to make me feel terrible. How does Harry deal with this shit on a daily basis and not break apart from it all? I could already feel myself tear apart inside at those few comments and he noticed this because he locked his phone and wrapped an arm tightly around me. It didn't do much to comfort me but it was enough to get me to stop crying. The fact he was trying to make me feel better made me appreciate him a whole lot more than before.

I realised now that we were no longer driving, which told me we were at the interview. I let out a very audible shaky breath and ran my fingers underneath my eyes to remove the tears which had fallen. At least only a few had. I quickly glanced at myself in the rearview mirror and nodded a bit- I didn't look any different so that was a good thing. I've done enough crying in the last twenty-four hours.

Again, we refused to drop our hands when we stepped out of the car, the blinding flashes from paparazzi instantly dazing me. They were all pushing against the barriers with their big fancy cameras, some of them forcing their bodies over the metal in clearly uncomfortable positions to get closer to us. Harry softly squeezed my hand again to assure me it was ok. I suppose this was something I was going to have to accept and get used to. Harry is very famous and he lives a luxurious life.

"Are you guys dating?"

"Is the rumour true that you are releasing an album in America, Harry?"

"Are you actually gay?"

"What is your opinion on-?"

The last question was cut off as the door was shut in their faces. I could still hear them but it was muffled so I couldn't make out exactly what they were saying. I let out another shaky sigh and looked at Harry, beaming at him when I saw the large grin plastered across his face. For today, that was the worst of it over with. Now we just had to get through this interview. I wasn't going to bother going online at all the rest of the day because I already know that Twitter etcetera is going into meltdown at that single picture and I'm sure more will be released in seconds from us being outside there.

We were both led into a studio, which had two cameras set up and two chairs facing each other. Harry squeezed my hand gently once again before letting go, my hand instantly craving to feel his calloused skin against mine again. He gave me a nervous smile before sitting down, not hesitating to attach the microphone to his back pocket and slipping the wire into his ear. The interviewer was a middle aged man. He seemed to be roughly the same height as me and he had short black hair and was wearing a fitted tailor suit, to put it simply, he just screamed business and this set me on edge a little bit- I knew he wouldn't hesitate to get straight to the point.

For a good ten minutes he asked regular questions concerning his now finished tour and he confirmed the rumour that he was releasing his album in America. He told me he was going to release the newer songs that would be on the U.S. edition on an EP here in the UK. It wasn't long however until the interviewer glanced at me out the corner of his eyes before focusing solely on Harry. I bit my lip now, this was it.

"So, you have said multiple times that you are single Harry but a certain picture has been going viral the last half hour. Please explain?"

Just like I thought, he had wasted no time in getting directly to the point. Harry glanced at me warily and I nodded gently enough to not attract attention to give him the all go. He took a deep breath before looking at the interviewer again.

"Yes, I am dating Louis. It is still early days though."

I sent him a beaming grin which he returned, making my heart pound against my rib cage.

"Do you care for more details then?"

His eyes were now darting back and forth between the two of us, trying to understand what could possibly have brought us together. Just the thought of how we actually met was making me chuckle lightly. Chris is never going to live that one down. I noticed Harry sigh deeply and his fingers intertwined into themselves before he continued;

"When we were initially denying being together, we actually weren't. It was only when I recently did a concert in Newcastle that we ever really talked about it. I knew for a few days before that concert that I definitely had strong feelings for him but afterwards we ended up kissing. We talked for a few hours after that and he confessed to having feelings for me too and yeah."

It was done; there was no turning back now. Harry had now confirmed what a lot of people already suspected. We were out. We were officially together in public and the thought terrified me. Not too long after he had finished up the interview, the nameless man gave us an odd look as we walked out. I could feel all eyes on us as we strolled down the corridor and the fact that Harry had laced his hand in mine again did little to help. The blinding lights greeted us once again when we got outside, Chris waiting there in his car to take us back to Harry's flat. Before we got inside though we both paused, looking at each other and seemingly reading each other's mind.

We both shared our first official public kiss before sliding into the back of the car and driving off.


	23. Twenty-Two.

My thoughts were confirmed the next day. I had avoided all social media the night before because I knew that people were going ballistic at the confirmation. I'm not entirely sure if Harry was doing so as well but I think he might have stepped in to put his point across. Harry isn't just someone who will sit back and let that kind of thing happen. As soon as I got out of my car, a bad thought from that morning came to me- I wasn't going to be normal anymore, it wasn't easy to ignore everyone's stares. I would like to think they were staring at something near me, but it was obvious that wasn't the case.

The second day wasn't any better- in fact, if anything it was worse. That same girl who had tried to get close to me in order to get to Harry made an appearance again. She was trying to get me to spill some form of secret but I stayed tight-lipped over everything. The only secret right now that I definitely knew about Harry was the single fact that he was depressed and there was no way in hell I was going to tell people that. Just because Harry is famous doesn't mean he isn't entitled to a private life- everyone is human and should be treated the same.

Which was why I was still severely irritated when people were still staring at me on the third day. Somehow though, I had managed to bite my tongue- something I've never been any good at. It even got to the point that people began following Chad and I to the same small café we went to for our lunch most days- I don't think the owner was complaining though as it meant business for him. I think what annoyed me so much about it all was that people weren't even being discrete about their constant attention on me.

The fourth day was when I finally dared to go back onto social media and to say I was shocked to see that 3M next to the follower area of my Twitter was an understatement. Are people really that interested in a single relationship? I didn't tweet anything however, I only scrolled through some of the replies I was getting- the majority of it was hate. I must have seen at least a hundred people saying that I had turned Harry gay. How the hell does that even make sense? 

It's not my fault that they didn't believe Harry when he came out as gay like a year ago or something like that. Honestly, people are either delusional or extremely ignorant. Chad wasn't complaining about all of the attention as it's something he has always enjoyed- he was even happier when a girl introduced herself to him during a lecture. I wasn't trying to be rude with him but truthfully I didn't really give a fuck about how hot she was, I would never think she was as I'm simply not attracted to the opposite sex and I never will be.

I didn't have much time to spend with Harry those few days seen as he was required to be in the studio those days in hopes of coming up with a few new songs that would go on the U.S. edition of his album. I had dared to search that up though to see how people overseas were reacting to this announcement and they were going wild. In that moment, I was extremely proud to say that I was with Harry. If I know him how I think I do, he will be avoiding searching that online because he is extremely nervous over everything.

The fifth day however, Harry had called me to say that he was confident of a few songs and had been given a half day. This made me smile brightly as that meant we could finally spend time with each other and we would no longer have to worry about our body language or anything seen as we were now out. I was still nervous though of being out in public with him, but it wasn't bad enough that would make me question my feelings for the guy. Whilst I waited for the clock to strike 5:30pm, I spent finishing off an essay for media. Even though I was just over a month in to college, I had decided that I really despised that subject but I had taken it now. I jumped in excitement when my alarm finally went off and in record time I had managed to get changed into something a bit more presentable. I didn't get far because Félicité stopped me in the corridor.

"Off to go see Harry then?"

She twitched her eyebrows in a mocking way which made me cringe in embarrassment. I couldn't stop thanking her the last few weeks seen as she had unintentionally introduced me to Harry. She always brushed it off however by simply asking me to get his autograph for her. Harry had given me an odd look when I asked him that but once I explained he was alright with it I glanced in to the room she shared with Lottie and frowned in confusion at the bare walls.

"Where are all of yours and Lottie's posters?"

I still looked around- almost alienated because I can't even remember the last time their walls weren't covered completely in someone's face. She snorted and rested her hand on her hip with a look on her face which practically yelled 'seriously?' I still gave her an odd look though but it was Lottie, who answered from behind me;

"It's awkward having my brother’s boyfriend’s face all over our walls Louis."

Oh. I guess that made sense then. They both proceeded to pull kissing faces in my direction which was my cue to leave before I got any more embarrassed by either of them. I jumped a bit at the loud honk from outside. I stopped in confusion though, who was that for? I stepped outside and froze in astonishment at seeing Harry casually leaning against the van. I couldn't stop myself from running at him; he chuckled loud and pulled me into a tight hug. I grunted in irritation though when a blinding light caught my eye. I still didn't pull out of the embrace and I had to seriously hold myself to stop from giving those annoying paparazzi my middle finger. Harry seemed to notice my stiffness because he stated;

"Just pretend they aren't there Louis."

I relaxed a little but the tension was still in my shoulders at everything. If this is really what it is like to be involved with someone famous in any way, shape or form I concluded that I didn't like the treatment. I guess a part of my private life being printed in magazines etcetera was a small price I had to pay for dating Harry who just so happens to be famous. We pulled apart from each other now and I leant in to give him a tiny peck before reaching out for the door. He stopped me by doing so which caused me to roll my eyes in amusement.

"Such a gentleman."

He caught the teasing tone in my voice because he proceeded to fake a bow.

"Of course, love."

The blood instantly rushed to my cheeks here which was the perfect opportunity to slide inside. Harry ran around to the other side and slid in as well. Once the doors were shut the driver turned to us and shook his head at the miniature show of public affection we had just put on. Knowing my newfound fame, pictures and videos would be everywhere in the next five minutes. 

Harry was still chuckling lightly at how embarrassed I was; I have never been into public displays of affection yet I just did exactly that. This was enough to make me sulk though as there was no way we were ever going to get any form of privacy; any affection we show for each other is going to start rumours much to my dismay. I shook it off however, I was truly happy with him, happier than I've been in quite a while. I didn't really want to weird the driver out by kissing Harry right now and even though I wasn't looking at him, I knew he was thinking exactly the same as I was.

Stepping out of the car was a relief once we were at Harry's flat. We both thanked the still nameless driver before promptly racing each other upstairs. It was useless however seen as it was Harry who had the keys so he had to have gone in first anyway. The second the door was shut our lips instantly locked tightly, finally making up for the few days we had not seen each other. It was kind of crazy to think that I have now been with Harry for two months- it really doesn't seem like that. It was still strange thinking that it was November, this year is going by so quickly I'm not even kidding. It was like I just blinked and it was the end of autumn, beginning of winter. 

Our kiss was very sloppy and we had broken apart from each other after a couple of minutes, much unlike the last one we shared in this hall which had ended in us getting rather excited in the lower department. There was no way I was quite ready to share any intimate moments with Harry yet, after all this is still new to the both of us. The next few hours we just chilled out, consisting of ordering a lot Indian food and playing video games. Harry sulked once at the fact that I won Fifa again, still refusing to admit that he was truly shit at the game.

I frowned though at one single thought. The last five days my mum had avoided me again. I just want her to tell me everything first hand. Yes, I understand perfectly where she was coming from but it was still no excuse to hide it from me. I'm still annoyed at the fact that I had not noticed it seen as I hardly ever saw her spend time with Mark anymore. I rid myself of the thoughts and focused my attention on Harry again. I had to grin deeply at seeing he had fallen asleep on the couch. I moved a little bit so he could lie down, he must be exhausted seen as he has been working until 11pm the last few days from stupid-o-clock.

I pulled my phone out and decided to play some games to pass the time. I was shocked at seeing that it was quite late, which shouldn't have surprised me because the sky was covered in a thick black blanket. I coughed a bit which made me notice how thirsty I actually was. I walked across to the kitchen side of the huge open planned room seen as I didn't want to wake up Harry because he looked so peaceful. I let out a loud sigh at feeling the cold liquid coat my extremely dry throat, my thirst instantly satisfied. I chugged the rest of the glass and made to walk back over but I froze when my eyes landed on the couch. Harry was thrashing again; he was having another nightmare- or night terror. I ran over and knelt beside him, frowning at the tear lines now beginning to stain his cheeks. I reached my hand out carefully and gently shook him to try and wake him from whatever this dream was about. I bit my lip when he suddenly shouted;

"Please, don't hurt me!"

My memory instantly took me back to the first nightmare I witnessed; he had said the exact same thing. This gave me a horrible realisation; this was probably a reoccurring dream. I shook him harder and pretty soon his eyes shot open, his body instantly jerking him up into a sitting position. He kept looking around the room dazed as if wondering where the hell he was, sweat dripping down his face. His breathing was at a very fast rate and before I could take in any other thing which confirmed that he did have a nightmare I had pulled him into a tight hug. I felt his eyelashes bat against my neck, his tears dampening the area. I could feel his shaky breaths hit my skin and it wasn't difficult for me to feel how cold he was.

He still seemed hesitant but once he realised that he was no longer in the land of sleep he wrapped his arms tightly around my ribs, pulling me even closer than I already was. He didn't say anything but I decided to just wait until he calmed down. After a few torturous minutes his breathing evened out and I could no longer feel his tears running across my skin. He leaned back which let me look at him in the face, I knitted my eyebrows together seen as he was staring directly into my eyes. The last few nightmares I had witnessed he had refused to look me in the eye afterwards, silently denying what had happened. It wasn't a huge gesture, but it was enough to tell me that he was going to let me in a little bit more. I licked my lips before asking quietly,

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He started shaking his head no instantly and he stood up, taking a few shaky steps. He reached to the back of a shelf and pulled out a familiar looking notepad as well as a pen. I cocked my head to the side in confusion, what was he doing? As soon as he sat back down- leaving enough room for me to repeat his actions- he frantically started writing. My eyes widened at how quickly he was.

I understood what he was doing now. He'd already told me that writing helps him through hard times; maybe it's his own remedy to fighting off episodes of depression. I hummed quietly to myself here; perhaps I should pry into it after all. I glanced down to the paper as his hand glided the pen at a seemingly impossible speed, multiple words blending together. After a few seconds I realised he was only jotting down ideas, I couldn't really understand his writing but he seemed to.

Ten minutes had passed before he sat the pen down and stood up, sliding the notepad to the back of a shelf next to his television. He paused for a second and I saw his fingers brush gently against a large book- well, it looked like a book. I was confused when he suddenly jerked his hand back, almost like it pained him to do so. I didn't have time to ask him why he reacted like this because he stated quietly;

"I get nightmares whenever my mind wanders to something that happened to me when I was younger Louis. You aren't the only one out of who has been hurt badly, you know."

My mouth dropped open now, not in offence- but in complete understanding. Weeks ago- before we were even a couple- he told me that he didn't record every song he has written. He felt they weren't ready or he just didn't want people to listen to them. It made sense now. The songs he wrote that he didn't want people to hear were the darkest ones, the ones that probably go into morbid detail. Maybe even explaining whatever the horrors of these nightmares are. I shivered involuntarily at the single thought. Whatever could make someone be in so much fear must be nothing less than horrific.

\---

The memory of the night before was now permanent burned into my mind. No matter how hard I tried to not think about how Harry had let me in even further, I simply couldn't. It was just too much to comprehend. There was only way I could distract myself- and that was studying.

The noise outside was almost deafening with everyone talking. I was stuck myself too because Chad was stuck doing a lab for Biology and wouldn't be out for another two hours. I wandered around inside my building, looking for somewhere that was quiet enough so that my head wouldn't explode with everything that was spinning around in my head. I checked the library and stomped in annoyance when it was locked. I had been up and down the majority of the hallways by now and nowhere seem to be empty.

I froze when I heard a sound that was very familiar to me. I turned around and followed the obvious sound of a guitar being played. From the mellow tone I knew that it was a nylon acoustic- a fact I had learned from Harry seen as the guy had six guitars. I found myself in the music corridor, I glanced inside one of the rooms and realised the room was indeed almost empty. The only person in here was someone I could recognise from a mile away now- large glasses, gelled hair- Marcel Styles. I also realised it was him that was playing the guitar. He had headphones on and he had the instrument balanced on his lap whilst plucking the strings. From a quick analysis I knew he could play the instrument very well. Wait, Harry told me that writing helps him get things out of his head. I had pens in my pocket right now as well as paper.

I may as well give it a go.

I sat down and pulled out the paper from my bag and hovered the tip of the pen millimetres from the sheet. What was I even doing here? My body seemed to react before my mind did because soon my hand was flying from left to right across the page, within minutes it was completely full. My eyes widened at how quickly I had done so. I skimmed over it and I soon realised that Harry was right. A weight had noticeably been lifted off of my shoulders.

I jumped when I heard a loud gasp. I had forgotten that I wasn't alone in here, my head snapping up and landing on Marcel. He seemed to notice that he wasn't alone because one hand was clasped to a desk and another was clasped across his chest- he was also breathing fast. I must have given him just as much of a fright as he had given me there. I was going to say something but he soon picked his guitar up and ran out the room.

Only one thing caught my eye though- the guitar.

That guitar looked so familiar to me and I realised it was the exact same acoustic model Harry had. Then again, there is probably millions of the same model made but for some reason I was suddenly extremely suspicious. I blinked a few times before standing up, too much was going through my head again and I needed to reoccupy my mind. From one quick glance at the clock told me that my next lecture was in a few minutes. With that, I walked for the opposite side of my building.


	24. Twenty-Three.

I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting after announcing what a lot of people already suspected. I guess I kind of thought that once we had the drama would die down around our relationship. I now knew that couldn't be further from the truth. Any time we went out together we still got hounded, and to be honest I was scared of the mobs that formed. The whole online opinion too was still annoying me. Somehow Harry's fans found out that my biological dad left when I was a baby and were now saying really cruel things about me for that.

It's not my fault that he didn't want to grow up and be a man. It started to get worse. Rumours were spreading left, right and centre about us. The most common one being that I was using Harry to get fame and money for myself. How the hell does that even make sense when it was Harry who asked me out in the first place? The other most common rumour was that I was cheating on him with Chad. I had to seriously stop myself from vomiting at the thought of being involved with my best friend. There was one person who found the entire thing funny though and that was Olly.

I had skyped him last night to tell him the newest rumour and in a split second he was crying from laughter. It didn't help me though because I was still embarrassed at what people were thinking. The sad thing is that some of Harry's fans 'shipped' us being together when we were only friends yet now we were in a relationship they suddenly hated my guts. Although it wasn't true for everybody- those who didn't say anything were very accepting of us and actually wrote me kind messages on Twitter. It had only been twenty days since we confirmed we were together though and hopefully in time a lot more people would accept that we are genuinely happy together.

I kind of wish my home life was as simple as that though. Mark had completed another business trip and he told us he was staying home for a couple of weeks because he needed the time off. He was trying to fool us but I knew better. He took the time off to try and save his marriage to my mum which I hope does work out. Hope was a strong word though because I had already lost faith in them repairing what was ruined. I had to remind myself though that they were trying not for their sake- but for mine and the girl’s sake. The twins were only nine and were too oblivious to everything. Fizzy was usually not at home to figure things out but Lottie on the other hand- was a different story.

She had come into my bedroom yesterday when everyone else was out of the house and from one look at her I knew that she had a rough idea of what was going on. I sighed and told her what our mum had told me. I'm not sure what I thought would happen but I didn't expect her to nod in acceptance. This made me realise she was a bit too observant for her own good. She didn't react badly, she just accepted it on the spot and it kind of saddened me a little. It wasn't just me that my parents were essentially lying to anymore. They were also lying to Lottie because she knew.

I groaned once again as the voicemail lady answered the phone again. Honestly, if I ever meet the person behind that voice it will not be a friendly meeting that was for certain. I had been trying to get a hold of Harry for almost twenty minutes now but I couldn't stay mad at him because he got called in to the studio this morning to finish up his newer songs. He probably has his phone on silent or he has left it outside of the recording booth. I jumped when my ringtone sounded and from one look at the caller ID I was suddenly extremely happy.

"You tried to call me, love?"

I blushed again at hearing that word, glad that Harry couldn't see me from his end of the line. I made a strange noise which got him laughing because I unintentionally confirmed what he asked me. For the next hour we talked constantly seen as Harry was on his way home right now from the studio he was booked in to. He had finished up his recording now for the U.S. edition of his album but now he had to start recording for his second album here. He had just over six months now to complete it but he had already told me which songs he was going to be putting on it.

He was extremely secretive though because he knew I couldn't keep my mouth shut at times and he didn't want me to accidentally release any details before he is given the all go from his label and management. He had been a bit nice though because he had let me listen to a few clips of his newer ones so I felt quite privileged with that. I never heard the full song, only the first verse and then he shut it off and proceeded to give me a cocky smirk just as I was getting into it. It was all very light hearted though. We never really fought; we only disagreed on some things.

The most common one being his depression. He had still not explained more about how he had developed this or if he had just gotten it unexpectedly despite him confirming it over a month ago. It was still only a few things which were slowly beginning to add up the multiple jigsaw pieces to form a completed picture. I knew that once I did know everything that I would end up seeing Harry in a completely different light and to be honest, I'm not too sure if I want to know everything. If those nightmares were memories as I suspected, it was most likely the reason that led him to being mentally unstable.

"Are you there?"

I jumped a bit as I came out of my thoughts, forgetting that I was talking to Harry. I chuckled a little in embarrassment and was once again cheering silently that he couldn't see my face right now.

"Yeah sorry, got a bit caught up in my thoughts."

I was silently glad that he didn't press further into it. We continued talking for another good thirty minutes when he suddenly gasped which caught my attention. I asked him what it was and he stated;

"We've been together for three months Louis and we've still to go on a first date."

This caused me to freeze on the spot- he was right. We have been together for three months and we haven't gone on a proper date. The whole park thing didn't really count because we simply wanted to explore for a little bit especially since it was actually a nice afternoon. Neither of us said anything for a few moments, we didn't really know what else to say which was a shock in itself because we usually always had something to say to each other. He sighed a little bit before saying;

"We're going out tonight, that way it will be our three-month anniversary as well as our first official date, ok?"

I grinned wide at the thought, that actually sounded nice. I was a bit scared though because I didn't want to get mobbed. If we continued to get mobbed so much any time we so much as step out of a car I will end up getting severe claustrophobia. I started asking him multiple questions but he but in before I began rambling by chuckling softly;

"Don't worry love. I'll reserve somewhere and I'll make sure to bring Chris. Just dress nice, not too fancy."

Relief flooded through me at this. As soon as he said he would collect me at 7pm. I hung up on him before rushing to get ready on time. All in all, I took an hour and a half which may seem a lot of time for a guy but for me it was a bloody fucking miracle. I took what he said though about what to wear. I decided on some navy skinny jeans with a couple of rips on the knees, a grey top with some sort of design on it and my black converse. Not too dressed up but not too dressed down either. I purposely messed up my hair a little in a way that it still looked good but wasn't overly perfect. Overall, I was very happy with my appearance. I quickly checked the time to see I still had roughly ten minutes until he was picking me up, which gave me enough time to check Facebook for any new gossip with my friends.

Within seconds though I was rolling my eyes in annoyance. Almost every single post I came across was food. Honestly people, that is for Instagram or Tumblr, not Facebook. I heard my doorbell now and I stowed my phone into my pocket and picked up a faux leather jacket before running downstairs in excitement. I wonder what he planned for us, knowing Harry's wealth he could probably do anything on short notice. My grin only widened when I saw him standing by my door with his usual leaning to the left posture. It did confuse me a little why he always stood like that but I wasn't going to judge him for it.

My eyes scanned him from head to toe and I had to stop myself from snorting- he seemed to understand why and soon we were both laughing. We were both wearing pretty much the exact same. He had on his trademark black skinny jeans with ripped knees, a grey top and a leather jacket- although I knew his was probably real leather unlike mine. I've never really had the money for a genuine leather jacket. I followed him outside and locked the door, glad that the girls were all having sleepovers tonight because I don't know how long I'm going to be out for. I don't even know where we are going; I just hope that I will like it.

I took his hand and we both walked over to the car, Chris' silhouette being the only thing I could see through the tinted glass. As always we both slid into the back of the large vehicle and I couldn't hide my nerves from wondering where we are going. He squeezed my hand gently which just told me he wasn't going to tell me- he wanted it to be a surprise. At least he wasn't doing all the cliché shit like blindfolding me because he knows I hate that. Turns out we weren't driving for long because Chris soon pulled up at the back of a building; I hadn't seen the front of it so I don't know what it is. We both slid out and he took my hand again before leading me to the back door. I was surprised that there weren’t already paparazzi around and I gave Harry a strange look- this was different. He made a weird face which told me he knew more than he was letting on which caused me to stop and quirk my eyebrow up in question. He chuckled and said;

"I may have told people I was doing something else to keep press off of our backs for a while."

With this I threw my head back and let out a loud barking laugh and Harry followed with me. Once I managed to stop I shook my head in amusement, sometimes the press is really stupid. My eyes widened when we walked in to what was obviously a restaurant- a fucking expensive one by the looks of it. Every single booth was lined with plush red leather, the floor was a black marble with glitter and there were at least ten chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. I don't think I've ever seen a room so fancy before in my life and I already felt bad that Harry would be spending a lot of money tonight on this date. I knew him too well though and I know he wasn't going to accept no as an answer, I didn't really have a say in this.

He led me to a booth near the back so we were mostly out of sight of everyone else. Tonight, we were just going to be an ordinary couple and not a college student and a famous singer dating. I bit my lip a little as the menu did not have prices on it but I made a silent note to myself to simply enjoy the night and not worry about Harry spoiling me rotten for once. I found it difficult to decide because almost everything sounded delicious and Harry seemed to be having the exact same problem as I was. After a good few minutes I decided on what to get. 

He nodded soon after and placed the menu on the table, we weren't waiting long until a lady came to our table asking for our orders. I tried to not be annoyed by the eyes she was making at Harry but his ignorance towards her was enough to calm my jealousy down. He ordered some fish thing whilst I went for a chicken dish that I couldn't pronounce the name of to save my life but it looked good. I almost choked when Harry added on;

"A bottle of champagne as well please."

She nodded and left to take our orders to the kitchen. I already felt bad about what Harry was going to spend tonight and I knew champagne was not cheap. Truthfully I think the cheapest I have ever seen champagne was £40 and even then I thought that was ridiculously priced. In a place this fancy I can't even imagine how much a bottle would cost, probably at least £100. I had to remind myself though that Harry was filthy rich and that was probably pennies to him. The next twenty-five minutes we spent talking to each other. I'm surprised that we still have things to talk about now.

Soon the lady came back with our food and my eyes bulged at the amount, I kind of expected it to be a tiny portion like the typical fancy restaurant. The scent instantly invaded my nostrils and I had to force myself to not drool at how amazing it smelled. She then proceeded to pull out two flute glasses and placing the bottle of champagne down between us before leaving us alone. Once no one was looking I finally let my jaw drop whilst gazing at Harry, a gesture which he obviously found hilarious because he snorted a few times trying to hold in his laughter.

He then reached over and picked up my glass and proceeded to fill it to the top, I only realised now that there was chopped strawberries next to the bottle- obviously to dip inside the bubbling alcoholic beverage. He quirked his eyebrow at me, silently asking if I wanted the fruit and I nodded gently. He filled up his own glass now before we both dug into our food- sipping our drinks at the same time. Like I had thought, the food was probably the most delicious thing I have ever eaten. The meat was cooked to perfection and it fell apart in my mouth.

Within a few minutes we had both destroyed the main and Harry flagged another waiter over to see about desert. We took one look at each other and decided on a chocolate fudge cake to share between us seen as neither of us has an extremely strong sweet tooth. Like the main, the cake was delicious but it was sickly. Eventually we both gave up before we got sick from eating so much sugar even though it was difficult to leave such a delicious thing. Harry picked up the bottle and put the cork back into it. We had only drunk three glasses so we were both still relatively sober.

I tried to ignore the horrible feeling at seeing the £300 when Harry paid but it was difficult to do so. Harry gently squeezed my hand again which told me it was alright and again I had to remind myself that this kind of money was nothing to him. It was only 8:30pm and I wondered if Harry had anything else planned for the day. He took the bottle of champagne with him as we climbed into the back of the Mercedes van again. Truthfully I didn't really want this night to end as it was going so well. I suppose that Harry's plan to lure paparazzi away from us for a few hours actually worked because we still weren't photographed. We weren't driving for too long again before we pulled up outside of the bowling alley and I suddenly felt butterflies in my stomach in excitement. Harry laughed loudly when I ended up dragging him out the car, Chris also shaking his head in amusement at us. I frowned at how quiet the building was and I looked at Harry to see him scratching the back of his neck out of what I assumed to be nerves.

"I may have reserved the place to us for the night."

That meant he spent even more money but once again I ignored the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach as I hated him spending so much money on me. For the next hour we played a rather competitive game, but Harry ended up winning with twenty more points than I did seen as he got six strikes. I jokingly threw a strop because now Harry had found something he was better at than me which meant I couldn't tease him quite as much over how much he sucked at Fifa. Once we finished our game we sat down at one of the tables and intertwined our hands across the wood. So far our first date has been amazing and I wondered if he had anything else planned because I don't know how he could make it better. He sighed a little which unnerved me. He paused for a second before saying;

"You don't really like Niall, do you?"

A lump instantly formed in my throat but I quickly swallowed it back down, from the way he sighed I knew he has been wanted to get this off of his chest for a while now but didn't know when to bring it up. I looked down to our intertwined hands and he gently ran his thumb over my knuckles. I pondered over what to tell him but soon said;

"He just unnerves me a bit I guess; he doesn't seem exactly fond of me either."

He nodded to himself seen as I had just confirmed what he already knew. He continued to gently run his thumb over my own fingers and sighed again. This must be hard for him because Niall is his brother through law and is probably as close to him as I am with Chad and the fact that we don't exactly see eye to eye puts him in an awkward position.

"I can't blame you for being unnerved by him because he threatened you Louis and I'm pissed at him for it too."

I nodded again gently as he got straight to the root of the problem between us. We had only met once in person but I could see he wasn't very fond of me. My eyes widened when Harry leaned over the wood and pulled me in for a tight hug which I returned happily. He stood up again which told me we were leaving. He took my hand again whilst we walked outside into the cold air. It was beginning to get late now and the sky was pitch black. It was very cold too but that is expected seen as it is December in a couple of days. It's only four weeks until my nineteenth birthday and Christmas. Harry gave me a lopsided smirk which told me he had something else planned for the night which made my mind go into overdrive. I wonder what else he has managed to do for our first date.

I hummed in confusion when we pulled up outside a small concert venue. The lights weren't switched on which told me that it wasn't in use so why did he bring me here? Chris shot Harry a look which told me that he was in on this which caused me to huff in annoyance, sending them both into hysterical laughter once more. I shivered as the cold wind wrapped around me in an invisible blanket which didn't even lift when he led me inside. I noticed now he had brought the champagne with him which made me glad that Chris was our designated driver for the night because we are both going to be really drunk in about another hour.

He led me over the front row of the small venue which at most must only hold a couple of thousand. He continued to give me a strange look which told me he wasn't planning on telling me what he was doing. He pulled out two disposable flute glasses again and proceeded to fill them up once more. I took the glass thankfully and took a long sip, coughing lightly at the fizzing in my throat. I jumped a little when I heard a guitar being strummed from the stage. I snapped my head around and my jaw dropped open in amazement.

No way.

No fucking way.

The man on stage was in his early twenties, he was wearing baggy jeans which were a bit worse for wear, a pair of smelly trainers and a faded hoodie. It was the flaming ginger hair which caught my attention. I kept turning my head from Harry to the man on stage which caused him to laugh in amusement. Just when I thought he couldn't make our date any better he hired out a concert venue and got Ed fucking Sheeran to play for us. The shock didn't fade for the hour long set he played for us; I was far too star struck to even say anything. My mouth just kept opening and shutting like a retarded fish.

I clapped loudly when he finished his set but I didn't expect him to jump down and walk over to us. Oh my god, this night could not get any better. He shook Harry's hand and pulled him in for a brotherly hug before turning to me. I still stood frozen in my spot- my mind simply refusing to process what was happening. I huffed when he pulled me in for a brotherly hug as well. I'm pretty sure my eyes are as big as golf balls right now.

"So you are the famous Louis who stole my mate’s heart then?"

I blushed profusely and looked down to my feet which became interesting suddenly, Harry talks about me to his friends? I still kept wondering if this was all real or if the champagne was finally starting to get to my head, this all felt like a dream to me. I knew it wasn't when Ed bid us both goodbye, shook my hand and giving Harry another brotherly hug. Once he was no longer in earshot I turned to Harry and I think my huge beaming grin was enough to tell him I had enjoyed the whole night. He bit his lip gently and with the small gesture I leaned up a couple of inches to softly kiss him.

His arms were soon around my back whilst my hands were clasped around the nape of his neck, my fingers tangling into his curly mane. We pulled apart after a minute or so before we walked outside again. The heat that had spread through my body from when our lips connected so tenderly made me immune to the frosty air. Chris smiled at the two of us in the rear view mirror then started the engine and drove out of the street towards my house. Harry and I shared a few more tender kisses in the backseat before we arrived. Once we stopped I turned around and pulled him in for a tight hug.

"You have officially just given me the best first date ever. Thank you, Harry."

He smiled brightly at me and quietly said;

"I'm glad. I love you, Louis."

I grinned a little and replied back just as seriously;

"I love you, Harry."


	25. Twenty-Four.

Laughter. It was the only thing I could hear. I bent down once again and cupped my gloved hands into the soft white blanket of snow that had settled through the night, moulding it into as much of a ball as I could and proceeded to throw it at Phoebe. A scream of joy escaped her mouth and soon I became the target- again. It almost always ended up like this whenever I had a snowball fight with my sisters. It usually started with Lottie, Fizzy and I teaming up because we were the oldest and the twins on the opposite team- but we never stayed like that.

Hence why I was now jumping around trying to avoid a ridiculous number of snowballs being thrown at me whilst trying to make a new one myself. I wasn't going to complain though; we don't usually get to do much family things now. I sighed but quickly covered how I felt with smiling- I don't want my sisters to get suspicious even though Lottie already knows. I quickly glanced in the window and I could clearly see the silhouettes of two people arguing. I'm glad that none of the girls had took notice because they were too busy using me as their target.

I just hope that my parents can keep the arguing away from the girls because I don't want them thinking that it is ok because it simply isn't. It isn't right for parents to argue. At least in a couple of hours I had something to really look forward to. Nineteen. It still didn't sink in completely that I was no longer eighteen and that I was now in the final teenage year. It's a weird thought and I'm not entirely sure that I want to overthink it seem as someone special to me is going to feel rather awkward in a couple of hours.

Last night I was speaking with my mum and she came up with the idea of me inviting Harry over to finally meet the family. I was a little bit hesitant at first because we have only been together for just less than four months- are we really ready to take it to that level? Everyone already knew that we were dating by now and much to my surprise we weren't getting hounded as often by paparazzi whenever we spent time together. I only have two explanations to that. One was that it was the Christmas break and they had all decided to spend time with their own loved ones. The most probable one however was that another celebrity scandal had been exposed and they were all hounding whoever it was.

I'm glad that Harry isn't involved with half of the things that other famous people are into. He isn't that big a partier but he does enjoy the occasional night out much like me but he doesn't go out much. He despises drugs with a passion. I couldn't stop thinking about a few weeks ago though, our first official date that was. I knew he would have planned something amazing but if I knew he was going to do all of that- I shook my head because I was incredibly lucky to call Harry my boyfriend.

Once I had agreed to invite Harry over seen as it was my birthday, I had been on the phone trying to get a hold of him- hoping that he hadn't been called into a studio at stupid-o-clock again. He had answered though and I asked him rather reluctantly because I didn't want him to feel like we were rushing into our relationship too quickly. He was a bit shocked but as soon as he realised that I was also rather nervous about it as well he had agreed to come over around 1pm, none of the girls knew he was coming over to meet the family and I wasn't planning on telling them. I just hope they don't go all crazy fan girls on him because I know it freaks him out when girls throw themselves at him. The fact that he is homosexual doesn't exactly help in that retrospect.

We continued our snowball fight for a good hour before our mum called us all in, chuckling at our immaturity before ordering us to get changed out of our soaking and freezing clothes from the frosty air. I couldn't agree more because the second my adrenalin rush had worn off I was shivering in my spot. I ran back upstairs into my room before tearing my wardrobe apart for something that was actually warm yet not look like a slob for Harry. I ended up just choosing plain black skinny jeans and a very oversized jumper because Mark accidentally put it in the wrong washing pile so it practically doubled in size.

Not that I was going to complain because it was very comfortable. I checked the time before jogging downstairs to see what everyone was doing. I was quick to realise that the girls were all sitting in a circle on the floor playing a card game whilst Mark looked on in amusement as Daisy accused Lottie of cheating by stealing her card. I had to snort to stifle my own laughter before wandering into the kitchen, my mum busy with baking...something. She looked over to me and smiled lightly.

"Can he make it?"

I nodded and replied back;

"He said 1pm."

She nodded lightly to herself and focused again on the mysterious dough in the bowl. I heard footsteps stomping in the room closest and this time I couldn't help but to let a huge grin take up my face- I wonder what sister that is. I soon figured out that it was Daisy and the scowl she was giving Lottie was enough to tell me that she had won and was taking the loss hard. She stomped again and looked at me with pleading eyes. I shook my head, silently telling her that I wasn't going to step in and that was enough for her to get moody at me. I shuffled a little when I caught sight of the time; Harry was due here in around twenty minutes.

I sat down and joined the circle with the girls to join in on the game, which Daisy was still sulking at. It is quite entertaining to watch them fight because they all definitely took our mums sarcastic personality so the comebacks were all rather creative to put it nicely. I stood up when I heard my phone buzzing in my pocket; I walked into the hall just in case it was Harry seen as the girls didn't know he was coming over. I just hope it isn't too awkward for either of them because this is quite a milestone in our relationship. I grinned wide when I saw that it was him sending a simple text;

[From: Popstar]  
I'm almost there, are you still sure about this?

I nodded to myself but soon realised that he couldn't see me so I simply replied;

[To: Popstar]  
Yes, I am.

He didn't reply but I knew he was probably just as nervous as I was. I rolled my eyes once I noticed that Mark had moved the piano into the living room, I'm kind of glad that I had asked Harry to bring one of his guitars because as an old family tradition we always play something with instruments. I don't even know when the tradition started but I know we weren't going to do anything until everyone was here. I decided to remain in the hallway to make sure none of the girls would wander out to ask what I was doing. I grinned at hearing them accusing each other of cheating again. I jumped a little at hearing a light knock on the door. I glanced through the glass and my grin only got wider. The second I opened the door we had wrapped each other up in our arms, both of us silently telling each other how nervous we were about this.

"Happy birthday, love."

I softly leaned up and gently kissed him before pulling away again. My eyes glanced down to the large case he had which encased one of his six stringed instruments- I wonder which one he brought. I shook my head and took hold of his hand, leading him through my family home. I chuckled to myself once I realised he was looking around, only remembering now that this was the first time he had come to my house and not me travelling to his flat. I purposely avoided the living room and led him into the kitchen where my mum was still baking.

I coughed lightly to catch her attention and she spun around almost instantly. I noticed Harry's eyes widen at seeing the extremely uncanny resemblance I bore to her. She walked over and I could feel him stiffen beside me out of nerves but he needn't have worried because my mum pulled him down into a bone crushing hug. He hesitated for a couple of seconds before returning the accepting gesture. Once they pulled away from each other she scanned him quickly before smiling. 

I let out a loud sigh of relief because she clearly realised that what we have is genuine. I understand why she is so hesitant when it comes to me dating after everything that has happened. I shook my head to stop my mind wandering to a really low point in my life because it's quite an important day for Harry and me. I watched as Harry looked awkwardly down to the large case that he was carrying. My mum understood what he was silently asking because she said;

"In the spare room, Harry. The one across the hallway."

He smiled and got the hint that my mum wanted to talk to me alone. The second I felt his presence leave the room my mum turned to me and stated firmly;

"He's a keeper."

I realised now that I had been holding my breath and I let out a long shaky sigh. Why was I so nervous anyway? My family already knew that I was extremely happy with him- happier than I've been in a few years. Harry soon made an appearance again and we were all soon chatting, the thick awkward tension that had settled in the room dissolving each second. I froze when I noticed we weren't alone in the room anymore, Lottie's dyed blonde hair reflecting against the window. Her mouth was wide and her eyes were darting all around the room. Her reaction was a little funny because it was hard to tell if she was thinking this was a dream or if she was trying to control her excitement. She took a couple of hesitant steps forward but I didn't expect her arm to swing back and smack me across my chest. I gave her a look and she retorted;

"You might have told me your boyfriend was coming over brother."

I gave her a lazy look before firing back;

"If I knew I would have told you, just remember to keep your hands off of him."

She snorted loud now and I could feel Harry's eyes shifting to each of us.

"No need to worry about that, Louis. I don't want my brother’s germs all over me."

Now, my mouth had dropped open in amazement and I rested a hand on my hip, giving her my trademark sarcastic face. She pulled the exact same move but she was glancing at her nails purely for comedy sakes. I heard my mum chuckling at our silly fight.

"That's my kids alright."

I pondered over a comeback, not wanting to back down. She continued to glance at her nails whilst raising her eyebrows, clearly thinking she had won the argument but I wasn't allowing it.

"Maybe I don't want your boyfriend’s germs next my boyfriend." 

I glanced at Harry to see he was covering his mouth to try and hold in his laughter. My oldest sister immediately shot me a filthy look before marching back into the living room. I let the satisfied grin take up my face as well as a small laugh. Soon, I laced my hand back into Harry's and gave it a reassuring squeeze. One sister down, three to go as well as Mark. I sighed a little bit and stole a quick glance at Harry to see his tongue gently wet his lips, leaving a thin layer of moisture to settle over the skin. I gave him a weak smile to which he nodded whilst I led him into the living room.

I don't know what I expected from Harry meeting my family for the first time, but I definitely wasn't expecting everyone to just accept him. Félicité reddened in embarrassment as she remembered the first time she met him but Harry decided to thank her for it because if she didn't pull that stunt nearly seven months ago we wouldn't have met. He also added on that he was grateful for giving him the perfect blackmail material for Chris which she found hilarious. The twins were a little more excited but the second they realised that Harry really is just a normal boy and not another uptight celebrity they had calmed down considerably. Mark also gave us his seal of approval.

Once all the introductions were over with, I noticed my mum hand a small box over to me. I quirked an eyebrow up in confusion but took it anyway. Like a young kid I shook it a little bit to try and determine what it was but I genuinely had no idea what was in it. I opened it but soon dropped it in amazement. The key that was sitting on the floor now said only one word- Porsche. I looked at everyone in amazement and my whole family smiled back. I had a feeling that I was getting something big because Félicité had let slip a couple of weeks back that the whole family was chipping in for my present.

A Porsche. I got a fucking Porsche. I felt Harry's arm wrap tight around my waist and I didn't care about showing affection currently. I glanced up startled at seeing a white flash, instantly expecting the worst but I sighed with relief at seeing my mum with her Nikon camera that Mark had gotten her for Christmas last year. I frowned when I realised that a car was extremely pricey, never mind a top end one. I didn't even need to ask her because she seemingly read my mind.

"Ever since I found out I was pregnant with you Louis I've been putting roughly £2,000 away each year to save up for you to get a half decent car."

I pulled myself away from Harry's embrace and pulled my mum into a huge hug. Well I definitely didn't see this coming that was for sure. She also knew what I was also silently asking because she pointed to the door that led into the garage. My eyes grew to at least double the size when I saw the vehicle for the first time, but it was when the girls began annoying mum about her buying them a car when they are old enough that was funny. Typical sibling rivalry. Anyone looking on right now wouldn't guess that we are going through a lot of family problems.

As the day was coming to an end though I noticed that Harry was giving my parents and my youngest sisters an odd look. It wasn't a bad one; in fact, it was more one of sorrow. For some reason I knew it wasn't because my parents are going to get divorced. He excused himself and when my mum gave me a worried glance I followed after him. It was very dark outside even though it wasn't even that late but it does get dark extremely early in winter. I realised that he was walking to the end of the small cul-de-sac I lived on. I soon noticed that he sat down on the bench that looked over the kid’s playground at the end of the street. As I got closer I could hear a light sniffle which instantly made me feel horrible. I gently rested my hand on his shoulder to let him know that I was here before sitting down in case I startled him. The dim orange of the lampposts not doing much to hide the tears streaming down his face.

"What's wrong, babe?"

I gave his shoulder a light squeeze and gently ran my thumb underneath his eyes to catch some of the salty water dripping from them. He refused to look at me, his gaze fixed firmly on his clasped hands sitting on his lap. He took a bit of a breath and quietly stated;

"I guess I worked myself up for your family to not be accepting of me as a person and I got a bit overwhelmed." 

I nodded silently from beside him, I can completely understand that. It is odd enough meeting your partner’s family but considering that the person meeting them is extremely well known it must be difficult to not think in that sense. It made me realise that being famous is most definitely not as amazing as it sounds but Harry loves singing and I know he isn't ever going to stop doing what he loves doing. I sat with him for around ten minutes until he had calmed down a fair amount before we walked back. My mum gave us both a concerned look but Harry told her why he needed a few minutes to himself and she understood perfectly. I laughed again at hearing the girls arguing over something through the wall and my mum shook her head in amusement.

"Do your sisters always fight?"

My mum snorted loud at Harry's question whilst I tried to stifle my laughter. I nodded to answer his question and he soon saw the funny side of it. I now heard a light creak from the living room from the lid of the piano being lifted, Harry seamed to understand because he collected his guitar which I noticed was his nylon. I'm surprised I can even remember that because he told me about his different types of guitars the first time we hung out with each other which was more than half a year ago now.

I tossed the sheet music over to Harry seen as this is an old tradition with my family- I knew all the notes already. I glanced over at the girls to see them with their own various instruments. Lottie had a violin, Félicité had a ukulele but the twins only had recorders because they were still quite young. Harry gave me a strange look as my mum set up her camera on a tripod and I quickly mouthed that we usually filmed these for the rest of the family who live overseas. He sent me a large smile to tell me he had got what I said. 

We all did a couple of short runs so that Harry understood what to do before we really started. For the next hour that is what we did, just had fun with instruments. It surprised me how quickly Harry had picked it up because I soon realised that he was not looking at the sheet music at all, he quite simply just seemed to know the correct chords. Just as we finished, the large ding that came from the grandfather clock in the corner told us that it was now midnight- it was now Christmas Day. Mum quickly shooed the girls upstairs to get their pyjamas on and go to bed but Harry and I stayed downstairs. He swiftly secured his guitar back in its case and took his phone out- probably to call Chris or his driver to come and pick him up but my mum stopped him.

"You can stay tonight, Harry. The traffic will be bad enough as it is."

His head began snapping back and forth between me and my parents; he was beginning to get overwhelmed again. He managed to hold it in this time though because he gulped a little and said;

"If it really doesn't bother you- "

He was cut off instantly, this time by Mark;

"Harry, I can see that you really do love Louis. Even though he isn't my son biologically- he is still my son. I care a lot for him and I can see that you make him incredibly happy. I've not seen him as happy as this in years."

His head turned to me again and I noticed his eyes were tearing up once more, but this time out of happiness. This was a lot more than he thought would happen today, he obviously wasn't expecting everyone to just be so nice and open minded.

"I agree with my husband Harry. I don't care if you are famous; I can tell you are a genuinely nice person underneath all the publicity and I want to say that I am happy for you and my baby. Just never hurt him, ok?" 

He turned his attention back to my mum again, managing to hold in the tears whilst firmly stating;

"I won't. I could never hurt him. I love your son, and I don't really- "

He cut off because a few tears instantly fell; I knew they were about to. It was enough for my parents though because we were soon in my bedroom underneath the covers. For about twenty minutes we stayed in each other's embrace, letting our relief sink into our minds. I turned around to face him seen as I was the little spoon for a bit. I played around with one of his curls whilst he sighed a bit.

"Today couldn't have gone better could it?"

I shook my head at this; it definitely couldn't have gone better. I covered my mouth whilst yawning, causing Harry to chuckle lightly.

"We'd better get to sleep. I love you, Louis."

He leaned in to allow our lips to meet for a second before I replied;

"I love you, Harry."


	26. Twenty-Five.

Where was I? How did I get here? What day is it? Why was there nobody here? I looked around the unfamiliar building strangely, the hallway not jogging any part of my brain. My fingers gently brushed against the smooth walls as I walked, trying to find out where I was and how I could get out. It startled me how quiet the place was, the only thing I could hear was my own heavy breathing. I froze however when I heard a sound I did recognise- a door being opened. I began to prepare for the worst but I was shocked when someone ran passed me.

I didn't even need to look at his face because again I saw overly gelled hair that had been preened to absolute perfection, large glasses sitting on his nose, clothes that were really old fashioned. Marcel Styles. It surprised me why he didn't see me, why he just blatantly ignored me. I could hear him sobbing when he ran into a room near the back of the building. I followed to see where he was heading and soon realised we were both in a kitchen.

"Marcel."

I said it quietly, not wanting to scare him. He didn't answer though, he once again ignored me. I would have shouted angrily for his behaviour but the way he was crying made me understand that something was seriously wrong. He tore a piece of paper out of his pocket as well as a pen. I couldn't make out what he was writing but one of his hands was still running underneath his eyes furiously in a rather futile attempt at trying to stop crying. Was it all of the bullying that had caused him to break down like this? Surely it isn't quite this bad? I knew that it was though when he rolled his sleeve up- slowly inspecting his arms.

I gasped in a mixture of disgust and shock. I couldn't even see the pale milky white shade of his skin. The only colours I could see were brown, red, purple, blue and yellow. Multiple bruises all at different stages of healing. I ran over and was about to pull his sleeve down again but it was like there was a glass case separating us. I couldn't move, I was trapped. I looked closer to his revealed arm and I sickeningly noticed multiple thin lines coating the skin, which could only be the product of self-harm.

I still couldn't move though, a barrier still separating me from the very upset boy. I watched as he reached into a cabinet and removed two full bottles, I couldn't read what was on the label from where I stood. He turned them over in his hands, his sleeve falling down once again to cover all the marks from plain sight. He continued to stare at the bottles in his hands, a couple more tears falling. Suddenly it was like he became possessed, his eyes flashed and he reached into a drawer and pulled a sharp knife out.

My breath caught in my throat as he ran; only stopping to stick the bit of paper to the fridge. Again, he didn't see me but by now I had realised that he couldn't see me. This was clearly just a figment of my imagination- a weird figment that is. I frowned at seeing the barrier no longer stood. I cautiously walked over to the fridge to see what he had written and I felt the panic began to rise in my throat.

I am in a better place - Marcel.

It dawned on me and before I had time to accept what was happening I found my feet tearing after the crying boy. My eyes caught the time on the clock that was nailed to the wall in what was clearly the hallway- 12pm. Right now, it would normally be lunch break just starting in schools and other places. Something seemed off though about Marcel, he looked a lot younger than I last remember seeing him. In fact, he looked no older than sixteen. I still ran upstairs after him though and I soon found a door which was locked from inside. I didn't even need to think much into it- he was in there. 

I don't know how long I stood there for, I tried to break the door in but again there appeared to be another invisible barrier separating me from him. Hours must have passed, the barrier still refusing to let up. A weird smell was beginning to invade my nostrils- like iron. I didn't know what was going on, I was scared for my own safety but I was more scared for Marcel because I didn't know what he was doing in there but I knew it wasn't good. I came to attention however at hearing the door opening again.

I didn't see who it was because I was still rooted to the spot outside the room that Marcel was in. I was also too scared to see who it was in case it didn't end up well because I still didn't have a single clue where I was and what weird state I was in. Was I dreaming? Was I imagining? Is this real? I heard a smash come from downstairs and second’s later footsteps tore up them. Another boy who looked to be the exact same age as Marcel appeared. I felt bile rise in my throat because I recognised him. Curly hair, long slender legs, very large hands, bright green eyes and deep dimples- Harry Styles. He also looked a lot younger because his hair was a lot wilder, his skin didn't bare the numerous faults that being in the limelight constantly caused. 

"Mars!" 

His voice was also higher pitched which told me he was younger than I knew, not quite broken but well on its way to becoming that slow sexy voice that I loved. It was the worry laced deep within it that worried me. He began kicking at the locked door. Each time his foot came in contact with the wood, it cracked a little bit more. Eventually the door fell off its hinges but I didn't expect to hear the scream that erupted from his throat. I tried to see what had happened but I still couldn't move from my spot, the barrier still up. I began choking on the strong stench of iron that invaded my nostrils, only getting stronger every second I sat there for. He ran inside and I could hear frantic breathing, sobs beginning to fall from his lips. Pity began brewing in my stomach because I think I knew what Marcel had just done- and what he had done was irreversible. Marcel had killed himself and it was his blood that I smelled.

I shot up with a start, a thin layer of sweat dripping over me but I wasn't warm. In fact, I was actually rather cold. I looked around the room frantically and soon realised that I was in my own bedroom and Harry's arms were wrapped around me from behind. My eyes were still darting around cautiously- what the hell did I just dream about? I glanced outside the window and I saw that it was still rather dark outside which meant it was still really early. I've had weird dreams before in the whole nineteen years I have been alive for- but I've never had a dream which consisted of someone dying. Never mind the person in question ending their own life. I might have not seen it but I knew that it was the only option. Harry’s scream was enough to confirm it, the amount of pain that was in it, like his heart completely shattered in that second.

It couldn't be true could it? No, it definitely wasn't true. Marcel looked a lot younger than I know him and so did Harry which meant it was only my imagination once again running wild but in an extremely morbid way. Why was Harry in my dream then? I know fine well it wasn't just a lookalike because I think I would be able to recognise my boyfriend of four months well enough no matter what age. I rolled over and looked closer at Harry's face and I realised just how much he looked like Marcel. They both had the exact same facial structure and those same vivid green eyes. I had only seen the nerdy boy’s eyes close enough to see the colour once and that was when Chad and I had gone to find him in order to comfort him after that group of fucking idiots were preparing to beat him up.

So Marcel was a lookalike then, a hell of a good one. I wonder if he knows this himself. He would probably have every girl and some guys falling at his feet if he didn't gel his hair and didn't wear glasses. I knew deep down though that Marcel wouldn't want that as he seems like quite a shy character- he definitely wouldn't appreciate a lot of attention. Harry was still sound asleep, soft breaths leaving his slightly parted lips. I had to stifle a chuckle at seeing the slight damp patch next to his mouth which told me he was dribbling. I leaned back, being careful so as I didn't jostle him in his slumber and grabbed my phone. I turned the flash off and quickly snapped a picture of him. My eyes widened at seeing the time, I had only been asleep for five hours.

I wasn't going to complain with that though because I know the sleeping boy next to me was probably lucky to get that much sleep in a night, it really wouldn't be right for me to complain about my lack of slumber. I know there was no way I was going to get back to sleep so I just played silly games on my phone to pass the time. It wasn't until another two hours had passed that I felt Harry move. I turned around again to look at him, soon his eyes had opened and that same piercing electric green looked back at me. I frowned though when I noticed something that I hadn't before. There was a clear circle around his irises, was he wearing contacts? If he was, why the fuck was he sleeping with them in because surely that isn't good for your eyes.

I didn't know he wore contacts, then again though it has never come into conversation with us. They might not even be contacts; it could just be my own eyes playing tricks on me from my lack of sleep. The fact that it was Christmas though instantly brightened my current confused mood. The whole day went really well, the twins cheering when they realised I had forked out the money again in order to get the same custom made converse trainers as the oldest had. Félicité's eyes widened when I handed her the £100 Jack Wills gift card and Lottie, well- I got her plenty of her favourite makeup which she was extremely happy about. What I didn't expect though was when Harry handed them all small boxes, all the girls looking at them all in fascination but also of shock. I gave him the same look and he looked away sheepishly.

"Harry, you didn't need to get any of us anything."

It was Félicité who spoke up first. We were the only ones in the house right now because my parents had gone to collect a large cake that we would have later from the local bakery. Harry held his hand up and shook his head, silently telling her not to worry about it. Four pairs of eyes glanced at each other before they began tearing away the silver wrapper. Harry must have gone to buy them something not long after I invited him over to meet the family and wrapped them all yesterday morning. I looked at them all again though when I heard four exasperated gasps leave their mouths.

This time it was Lottie that revealed what they were all thinking. She pulled out a bracelet that I could tell even from here was pure silver which meant it had cost a lot of money. It wasn't just the bracelet which was catching my eye though- it was the Chanel box. My mouth dropped open in shock and I looked at Harry who was still wearing that same sheepish expression. They were all looking to each other and then to Harry, neither of them knowing what to say about their gifts. I realised now that Harry was handing me something as well and I hesitantly took it. If he spent at least £10,000 on my sisters, what did he spend on me? I knew what it was when I spotted the first class plane tickets as well as tickets for multiple other things. I looked at him in absolute shock but also admiration.

Tickets to Miami, he was paying for me to visit Olly who lived there.

\---

Three days had passed since then and I was still in shock at what Harry had gotten me. He explained that he had to fly to America again just after New Year for three weeks of promotion seen as he was releasing his album in a few days. He was paying for me, Chad and Olly to meet up for a fortnight. He told me I could use them whenever and from the same look he gave my sisters I knew he paid extra in order to do that. This meant we were basically all going to go on a crazy summer reunion.

I was currently in Chad's flat who was tearing apart his wardrobe looking for something to wear because we were going to go to our first college party. I was quite excited to let myself go for the night so I wouldn't need to worry about anything. I had still to tell Chad about the whole thing but I decided not to stress him out even more than he was right now. He calls me vain, but comparing myself to him I am a slob. I was simply dressed in my usual attire but Chad had decided to dress up- as in make himself look like a drag queen for a laugh. I was howling with laughter when he opened to door to reveal his painted face and I had taken a picture which was now doing the rounds on social media. Harry found it just as funny because he sent me a simple voicemail that consisted of his cackling laugh.

Another hour had passed by before we both left, the union we were heading to was near the back of campus so we just decided to walk. We got a lot of strange looks from people; well actually Chad got the weird looks. I wasn't even embarrassed by his get-up. I've seen him in weirder things so for me this was kind of normal. The second we walked in, everyone's eyes were on us and soon the whole room erupted in laughter. Someone offered me a cup and I gratefully took it before knocking back the mysterious beverage. I winced at the burn it caused in my throat but for the next three hours this was what happened.

We simply mingled with people and it wasn't long before Chad was kissing a black haired girl- I shook my head in amusement because only Chad would dress up in drag for a regular party and still manage to pull. I sat down at the bar stool and asked for a vodka and cranberry. I sipped on my drink whilst looking around but I soon felt anger boil in my stomach at spotting a familiar group of people. I tried my best to ignore them but they walked past me and I heard who was clearly the ringleader boast loudly;

"Little nerd got it earlier. Caught him outside a shop and he was crying!"

He began guffawing loudly and the whole group followed. Just like that, I was suddenly sober and was not feeling any repercussions of the alcohol I had consumed. The only thing that I was feeling was a deep rage. This was the final straw for me. I stood up and walked over to him, almost instantly he stopped laughing so loudly and hesitantly stroked the back of his neck in a dreadful attempt to look innocent.

"Uh, hey Louis."

The fact that he was now pretending like nothing had happened simply because I had caught him yet again bullying a poor helpless kid who couldn't defend himself very well only made my anger boil over even more. Actually I don't know if Marcel can defend himself- he might just not like fighting but that doesn't mean he isn't a good fighter. Chad had now walked over to me but this time I actually walked away- well more stomped away. My idiotic best friend followed me outside and I called a cab. I'm pretty sure if this was a cartoon I would have steam exploding from my ears in anger.

"He was fucking bragging about beating up Marcel again."

He looked at me shocked and I tried to ignore the extremely smudged dramatic makeup on his face. He even had bright red lipstick on the tip of his nose- I have no idea at times about him. Instantly he was angry as well but now seemed a good idea for me to bring up Harry's gift. At first he thought it was the alcohol talking but once I showed him all the tickets that I had stashed in a drawer in my room once we got back to my place he was just as shocked but for another reason. The rest of the night we just ended up watching numerous sitcoms online which distracted our minds from everything that had happened this night.


	27. Twenty-Six.

Blinding lights once again followed me, irritating me beyond belief. I really fucking hated this part about dating Harry. Getting a lot of attention and being stalked are two completely different things. It was worse for me though right now because I had pretty much been ordered to treat my sisters to a day out so my parents could have some time alone. A few months ago that would have made me blush bright red in embarrassment but I knew that they weren't going to do, well that. I had still not heard about what was happening with their relationship but if I'm being honest I think it is time to give up. My mum has already told me that this has been going on for a few months and their fighting has only been becoming an awful lot more frequent- it was actually quite terrifying seeing them at each other’s faces, yelling at each other with so much force.

As much as I want them to be able to figure everything out and for everything to go back to how it used to be- I knew it wasn't going to happen. I don't know the underlying reason for them breaking apart so much that they are seriously considering a divorce. I truthfully don't even want to know. I had also started to notice a pattern with my mum's behaviour but this time I really wasn't mad at her because I knew she had a reason for trying to block everything out. Whenever I heard them having a blazing row or I watched one of them storm out the house and drive down the street to who knows where- my mum drank. At first she was only drinking a little, but it was getting worse and it scared me.

It worried me more than it should though because I couldn't shake the niggling feeling that it could be Harry and I one day. I'm not going to be one of those seriously lovesick people who say they are going to be together forever- because it usually doesn't end up that way. I want to be with Harry for a long time but something could happen that would force us to break apart. Then again, some things happen that only strengthen a relationship to the point that it is impossible to break away no matter how difficult it gets.

The twins were both hugging my legs tightly, both of them trying to shield their faces from the cameras that some seriously inconsiderate arseholes who were shoving in our faces trying to get pictures. I had kind of gotten used to all of the media attention by now but this is the first time that my sisters have witnessed anything like it. Is it really too difficult for people to realise that those who are famous are just normal people above anything else? All they care about is their expensive pay check. The sick thing is that stalking is illegal for normal people but the second it is a celebrity it is perfectly alright. But it really isn't alright and I was slowly getting more agitated by each growing second.

It really isn't fair for people to be treated like they are the attraction in a museum, or a wild animal in a zoo or safari. Everyone is human and everyone should be treated like they are human. I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach and I have no idea what it is. Eventually I gave up in trying to give the girls a nice day out to get away from our slowly falling apart family. It might only be Lottie that knows but the rest aren't stupid. The twins being so young however simply thought it was a phase, but I had caught Félicité asking Lottie what was going on and why we hardly saw our parents together anymore. I don't know if she answered her but knowing my oldest sister she probably gave her some kind of riddle that didn't confirm or deny any of her speculation.

I took hold of the twin’s hands and signaled my other two sisters; I had to seriously fight off the urge to piss myself laughing when Félicité irritatingly stated that she wanted to give them the infamous middle finger. They all slid into my car and just as I was about to slide in I noticed the press begin to stand right in front of the bonnet. Honestly, do these people have a fucking death wish? I gave them an irritated look before turning the engine on. They were clearly expecting me to go forward because they were all waiting with their £1,000+ cameras to get pictures of me but instead I reversed back and drove off in the opposite direction.

It took us almost an hour to get back home because of the traffic build up in London, really the only thing I despise about the capital city that I happen to live in. My mind continued to wander though back to what happened a fortnight ago- a specific dream not forgotten. I had never gotten to ask Harry about it yet because I was still curious as to whether it was simply a figment of my own imagination. I honestly don't think it meant anything important; it surely had to just be a weird dream. The last two weeks in college I had seen Marcel around often even though the only class we shared was English. I was pretty much about to explode when I learned that group of people was not just boasting about beating him up because I witnessed him the next day limping and he was sporting a very visible black eye.

Society really disgusts me at times to be honest.

I was confused though when I pulled into my driveway. My parents were both standing outside as if they were waiting on us coming back. I could feel the nerves building up in the pit of my stomach because I had a feeling that we were all going to finally know what was going to happen concerning their marriage. I took one glance at my mum and she just shook her head solemnly at me- my heart instantly shattering at what this clearly meant. They couldn't work things out between them.

I stayed outside whilst they both brought the girls inside, I didn't really want to hear it said in words because I think that would only make it seem even more real and I didn't want it to be real. With this thought in mind, I slid into my car once again and drove out, not even knowing where I was going to go. I know I would need to speak to someone who knew firsthand about family problems. I didn't want to upset Chad seen as his dad was in prison and his mum was incapable of looking after him. This only left me one option which would perhaps give me the perfect opportunity to ask Harry about that weird dream. Ironically it started raining, which only dampened my mood even more. Rain shouldn't surprise me because yeah, I live in a country that is notorious for horrific weather the majority of the year.

It wasn't long until I had pulled up outside the flat complex that Harry lived in. I quickly checked my reflection in the rear view mirror to make sure I was presentable and only realised now that I had been crying. I quickly wiped the tears from my cheeks and slid out into the biting cold January air. Gosh, I really can't wait until summer arrives. At least there was no longer any snow completely covering the ground, the soft white stuff melting a few days ago and washing down the multiple gutters. I ran inside desperate to escape the frosty air and sighed in pleasure when the warm interior enveloped me once I was inside.

I jogged up to his flat at a rather slow pace; I was trying to think over what to say to him. I actually don't even know if Harry understands what is going on with my family but since he always seemed to skirt around talking about his own family I assumed that he did. He obviously understood to some level because he has already given me some rather philosophical opinions whenever I felt upset about what was going on within my own family. I froze though when I heard a thick accent that instantly sent fear running through my body- not now please. Hopefully Harry just has his phone on loudspeaker or he is listening to a voicemail because I am really not in the mood to speak with the Irish lad right now.

I had no luck however as once I had knocked it just so happened to be the guy who was only a couple of inches shorter than me with bleached blonde hair who answered the door. He gave me a weird look but I could already feel the tension building up between us. It disappeared when Harry walked over, his face instantly lighting up at seeing me. Niall hesitantly let me in and I didn't fail to notice the look that he was sent by Harry which got him to sink a little bit in embarrassment over the entire threat issue. I'd like to say I was over that fiasco but I'm not, I'm not sure if I will get over it.

Harry took one look at me and his expression turned to one of concern. I didn't even need to say anything because he just knew why I had come over. He walked over and pulled me into a tight embrace whilst I tucked my head underneath his chin in an attempt to hide my uneven breathing as everything started to sink in. What is going to happen in my family now? Is Mark still going to be living with us or is he going to move out? Who will get the house?

"Hey, it's ok love. It will be alright."

He gently rubbed my back a little to try and calm me down but my heart was still thumping in my chest but I'm not entirely sure what was causing it. I nodded a bit into his chest and inhaled his strong peppermint scent, my breathing slowly returning back to its normal rate but it was still difficult for me to not cry. I was determined not to do so. We both pulled away from each other at hearing an awkward cough and I suddenly remembered that we weren't alone right now. Harry looked at him and seemingly read his mind because he gave me a worried look as if asking for my permission to tell his friend why I was like this. I nodded gently because I'm pretty certain it will likely be online soon anyway due to the fact that people were now interested in me simply because I was dating Harry.

"His parents are getting a divorce Niall so I will kindly ask you to not bite his head off or scare him again, alright?"

He huffed a little but he reluctantly agreed. I knew he wasn't particularly fond of me but the feeling was mutual. I don't even know why he disliked me so much because we've only spoken once before not counting that threat he gave me when I was only growing close to Harry. Yes, I do know the reason is that he wants to protect Harry, but what does he want to protect him from? Most likely heartbreak but I don't plan on breaking Harry's heart anytime in the future. I love the guy too much to break up with him. I think the only thing that would split us up is a huge lie to be completely honest because I hate lying with a huge passion.

We all walked into the large open living room and we all sat down, Harry next to me whilst Niall took the furthest seat away like I was some kind of disease. I feel so bad for Harry right now though because he probably thinks of Niall as his brother yet we do not get along. It would definitely take its toll on me eventually if Harry and Chad didn't get alone with each other. If it was me who was in the middle of everything right now I know that the tension would drive me into fucking insanity. We all seemed to refrain from talking, or that was until Niall let something slip that he probably shouldn't have.

"At least you both have something in common with divorced parent’s then- "

He cut off and his hand instantly flew to his mouth. Wait, what the fuck did he just say? I turned to Harry and I noticed his face had gone ghostly pale and his breathing was starting to get ragged. Niall seemed to know what was going on because he ran into another room but I was now worried. So my gut feeling was right about Harry suffering familial problems then, his parents are also divorced which might be a reason why he never visits them.

He only started to get worse though, he was now taking very short but very quick breaths, he had a thin layer of sweat beginning to form across his skin and he was shaking badly. I could feel the vibration in his body movements through the couch cushions. I really should be doing something right now but I honestly have no idea what to do, I don't know what is happening to him now. His hands were clenched into extremely tight fists and silent tears were furiously dripping down his face. I waved my hand in front of his face in a desperate attempt at snapping him back to reality but he continued to stare straight ahead, his gaze never faltering once. He flinched away when I barely touched him and his crying got even heavier, once again he began muttering incomprehensible words underneath his breath;

"No, please no. I can't do this. Don't tell her, it will rip her apart. I can't lose you. Please, don't hurt me. Please stop! He hurt us, mum."

I broke out of the world that Harry seemed to be in when rushing footsteps bounded back into the room. My eyes snapped over to Niall who had a brown paper bag in his hands that he was holding out to Harry. What the fuck is a bag going to do? I kept my mouth shut however because Niall seemed to understand this a whole lot better than I did, he acted so fluidly like he had done this a lot of times before. Harry took the bag and began taking large breaths into the paper. This happened for a few minutes and eventually Harry seemingly calmed down but he was still crying and was shooting accusatory glares at Niall. This cemented a fact for me though between them. Niall knew something that I didn't and he had let it slip. He knew something about Harry that clearly affects him awfully and he had momentarily forgotten when he was spiting me.

Once again, Harry's mum had been mentioned. I took this opportunity to analyse his reaction there. He had spoken about his mum only twice before now and both times had been extremely brief- but he definitely hadn't reacted like that. The only other person who Niall accidentally mentioned was his dad and this set a very uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. Something clearly happened with his dad. Something that he desperately wants to forget but he knows he most likely never will forget. What could have happened between a parent and child that would cause someone to react like that? Was it his parents’ divorce? Or was it something a lot deeper? Something that he really doesn't like thinking about? Harry was still looking ahead but he actually now seemed completely aware of his surroundings. It relieved me when I noticed he was no longer crying but he still had a really upset expression on his face, he shakily said;

"Why would you say that, Niall? You know what fucking happened."

Niall looked down in shame, shuffling his feet awkwardly across the carpet trying to think of something to say. I didn't know whose side to take right now because I now knew that Harry was hiding something from me and something big. I did know though that it involved Harry's parents who he had never willingly talked about. I also understood now why he gave me such in depth answers whenever I asked him how I could deal with my own struggles recently and this told me he knew exactly what I was going through. For him though, I knew it was different. I could only come up with one explanation and that was something had happened with Harry's dad- and this was what led to his parents’ divorce. Did Harry blame himself over it? Or was he glad that they were separating?

Harry got up and walked into his studio room, closing the door tightly behind him and I could hear a light clicking noise telling me that he had locked himself. I gulped in remembrance to the last time I had saw someone break down and lock themselves in solitude even if it was only a dream. I sighed in defeat at having to spend time with Niall. Don't get me wrong here, he seems a nice guy and all but he obviously holds a huge grudge against me and I have no idea why. I looked at him though, silently asking for an explanation as to what just happened there as I have never seen someone react in such a way over their parents. He didn't say anything for a few seconds but soon he was looking hard into my eyes and said;

"Panic attack, Louis. He just had a panic attack and you are one of the very few people who have witnessed him have one."

My mouth dropped open now in complete and utter shock. Obviously I knew what panic attacks were but I have never witnessed someone have one, heck I don't even know anyone who has had one. I did know however that they usually tended to link with anxiety but Niall seemed to read my mind at this point.

"No, he doesn't have anxiety Louis. It really isn't my place to tell you anything because you will need to hear it from him in order to understand completely."

Again, shock rippled through me as my theory was now proven. Something did happen to Harry and that is why he is like this now, most likely the reason he also battles depression. We both sat in silence for a while and even though it was quite awkward I will take silence over a lot of tension. He soon appeared again and he sat down beside me, looking at me with his lips pulled into a very tight line. He couldn't have heard Niall tell me that what happened to him there was a panic attack, but he just knew me too well by now. The Irish lad quite suddenly bid us both goodbye and left the flat. Harry was still looking at me as if silently asking me how I felt about this. I took a small breath before stating;

"I still don't see you any differently Harry."

I leaned over and pulled him into a tight hug to show him what I meant right now. There was no way I was leaving Harry now that I know he battles not only a mental illness but he suffers panic attacks as well. How bad were these attacks? How frequent were they? Did they always cause him to react like that or did they all vary? However, many questions flooded my mind suddenly about my boyfriend, I knew I couldn't ask him anything yet. I need to let him tell me on his own accord and not force it out of him.

"I love you, you know."

I said it quietly with a slight smile which he returned brightly. At least he was no longer in that weird unresponsive state. He gripped my hand tightly in reassurance.

"I love you Louis. I really do."

I leaned in but all I met was air because Harry suddenly stood up. I pulled away awkwardly as my eyes followed him to the other end of the room. He stood in front of a bookcase, his fingers skimming through all the books before pulling a small brown one off of the top shelf. He didn't say anything, he just handed it to me. I didn't dare to open it just yet however because I didn't want to spark another panic attack. Witnessing one was enough for me right now. I felt his hand gently touch my cheek and I took the opportunity to lean in once again, this time our lips meeting in the middle. We didn't kiss for long but when we did pull apart I remembered that I had now successfully destroyed another one of his hard rock layers. Surely there can't be much more for me to break into before he finally tells me everything by now. Or at least I hope there isn't. I still stand firmly by what I said though because I was not going to leave Harry's side any time soon.

When I did get home I avoided my parents and walked straight into my bedroom, turning the light on and falling onto my bed. I looked at the leather bound book in curiosity, why did Harry give me this? I opened it hesitantly but I don't know why. If Harry gave me this, he obviously wanted me to see it. I soon realised it was a journal and there was a lot of entries written in it- all of them seeming to be a few days apart. I flipped to the first full entry and began to read.

February 10, 2008

It happened. The one thing I never thought would actually happen- did. I'm struggling to come to terms with it; I don't know how to feel about it. My mum hasn't stopped crying since we left the hospital but I knew it was only going to get worse. Gemma is just as bad as mum right now, if not worse. I've never seen her cry so much in my life and it was ripping me apart more. It was my fault- it was no one else's.

I should have spotted the signs quicker, I should have tried to understand him better, and I should have been there more for him. I definitely should have tried to contact him after my mum sent me that text asking if I knew where he was. I can't even think his name right now, the wound is still wide open and the blood is fresh. I honestly hope this is just a dream or a weird hallucination. I would surely wake up and I would see him get dressed, see him fighting with Gemma over breakfast, see him pouring over all of his books.

I don't even know why I am writing right now because I am numb. I feel like I'm trapped and I'm slowly suffocating in shock. I think that is the only reason that I haven't completely broken down yet. When we got home, Robin was standing there with a confused look on his face. I didn't need to look at him because I know he had saw the blood and wanted to know what was going on. He asked the dreaded question and that is all it took for my mum and Gemma to break down again. He didn't ask again; he knew even though we didn't tell him.

I feel guilty. Why am I not reacting in any way? I've already screamed, cried and hurt today but why am I not hurting now? Disbelief is clouding me and it is slowly eating me up. He is gone. The only person who has ever fully understood me is gone forever. We are going to have to bury him and just the thought of the inevitable day where it would finally sink in that he is gone immediately being destroyed by denial.

I refused to go into our bedroom because that same sickening burgundy shade was still staining the light blue carpet. The potent scent of iron and death lingering in the house as a reminder of what had happened hours before. My mum tried to comfort me but I genuinely didn't know what to do. I was scared, I didn't know any different, how could I go on without him here with me? How could I carry on knowing that the entire truth and feelings is inside my mind only? I just can't tell anyone because it hurts too much, I will never get over it.

July 9, 2008

I still see him. I still feel him. I still hear him crying out for help. I still remember feeling his arms grip me tightly after it. I still see him in the bed that lies adjacent mine in the bedroom we shared. I still see him pouring over his school books, snapping at anyone who made so much as a floorboard creak. I still see the fake grin that he learned to perfection. I still wake up in the morning expecting him to rush me to get to the bathroom first to get ready. Even now, almost five months after it happened I still think and cry over him daily.

Today, my mum finally cracked and dragged me to see a psychologist who works at the hospital closest to us. Her name is Melody and she is a lovely woman but I can't tell her. I can't even tell my own mum how I feel right now because it will make her feel so much worse. I can't make my mum go through anymore possible heartbreak especially after what happened six years ago. I don't cry at any of the memories because I have forgotten the majority of them- or perhaps I have blocked them out. It is only the most serious that are etched into my mind forever even though I want to forget everything.

I was questioned constantly over so many topics until I finally cracked open and spilled everything out. The slight grimace the psychologist sent in my direction told me that she didn't expect for me to admit to something so horrific, but she realised that pity is the one thing I hate most. I answered the rest of her questions the best I could, my stomach rumbling but I already knew I wasn't going to be able to eat without feeling the giant lump that formed. It was my fault; I deserve to punish myself for what happened to him. He was too young to depart.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Those words tumbled from my mum’s mouth just barely above a whisper- or maybe it was only a whisper to me. I blocked out almost everything that has happened the last few months and maybe my body was responding to my mental recluse. Robin worries about me, Gemma worries about me, and my mum worries even more about me. They don't understand though; they will never understand the pain I have gone through.

My mum’s suspicion was shot down but then the words 'clinically depressed' tumbled from Melody's heart shaped lips. An answer. Finally, an answer that explained why I suddenly shut off from everyone, why I refused to socialise, why I felt like punishing myself was the only way that I could feel close to him. I don't know how to feel about my diagnosis. Should I be happy that I finally have the explanation that I have been secretly craving for? Should I feel bad that it has gotten to this? Should I feel bad about putting the people I love through so much suffering?

If I could see into the future five months ago, I would be disgusted by spiraling into the seemingly never ending black hole. I had already been dragged to hospital after losing more than a stone in under a month to have a tube stuffed into my nose that stretched down to my stomach in order to feed me. I feel so lost. I don't know how I can describe it. I avoid any kind of reflective surface because I know if I catch sight of myself I will only see him. The thought of never seeing him again only shattering my heart into even more tiny fragments than before, probably beyond any kind of repair. I just hope that one day I will no longer be suffering in life.

July 12, 2008

Another nightmare. Another terror awakening me from what should be a very blissful place. For me though the land of dreams is never a good place and it probably never will be a good place. Another cold sweat. Another agonising throat from screaming so loud. Another night when my mum would run into my bedroom and force me to wake up if I hadn't already. Another day when she tried to get me to tell her.

I don't know why I need to tell her what my nightmares are because she already knows. She has been begging me for so long now to completely open up but I can't do that. She just simply doesn't understand and she never will understand. I am sick of her trying so hard, why can't she just leave me alone? If anything though, her persistence had only increased since my diagnosis three days ago. I know she just wants to repair what has been damaged for so long but it won't work.

I'm already too far gone into this never ending tunnel, too entrapped inside the dark interior to even try to escape. I've slowly been finding it even more difficult to even speak and when I do my throat is hoarse from my lack of food and drink. My mum leaves food by my door three times each day but I refuse to leave the confines of the blue walls. Four perfect walls which surrounds nothing but a large wardrobe, two chests of drawers and two matching beds- only one of which is still in use.

My mum, Robin and Gemma keep trying to convince me to let them take the other bed down but they don't understand. No one ever understood but him. It still hasn't sunk in yet that he is gone, I still expect him to walk through the door and immediately sit down at his desk to do his homework and study. They don't understand and they never will. It is only something you can fully know if it has happened to you personally. His bed is the only thing left that gives me some form of comfort. So much comfort but so much pain.

I want this to end. I'm sick of feeling so useless. I'm sick of hurting people. I'm sick of all this grief that is on my shoulders. I should have convinced him harder to speak up. I should have stood up for him even though we went to different schools. I should have at least told someone. But I didn't. I trusted him stupidly when he said that everything would turn around but in the end it was him who gave up. There is only so much pain a person can take. His bed still smells like him; it gives the illusion that he is still here but he isn't. I don't know how many more tears I can cry before I give up myself.

Even though I have seriously considered it, I know that I can't do it. I can't put my mum and Gemma through that again. I already feel dead enough as it is anyway so truthfully I don't think it would make that much of a difference. Deep down though, I know my mum would never stop blaming herself and wouldn't stop questioning where she went wrong. She never did do anything wrong, she has done all that she can for us. She moved us away from a place where too many horrid memories were made even though money was always tight. She always managed to keep enough food on the table and she made sure that we got the best we could get. I couldn't end it and throw all of her hard work out of the window.

I snapped the journal shut before I could read any further. My eyes were extremely damp as I read those three simple entries. I had already learned a whole new side of my boyfriend by reading those few pages and I understood Niall's words. He needs to tell me on his own, it isn't right for me to hear it from anyone but Harry himself. What could make someone feel like that? Who did he lose? Who was Robin? Who was Gemma?

More importantly, why did he seem to go so out of his way to keep the person he clearly loved with all of his heart anonymous? Not even a single name, the only thing I knew about this mysterious guy is that he ended his own life and they both shared a bedroom. My eyes widened suddenly as my own dream from a fortnight ago came tumbling back to me.

Harry looked no older then sixteen in it and neither did Marcel. I had realised they looked uncannily like each other but dressed and sounded completely different. My dream consisted of Marcel killing himself and Harry was writing in this journal about someone committing suicide. It couldn't have happened though, could it? Marcel was alive because I went to school with him. However, I just couldn't shake the weird feeling that I had towards Harry and the nerdy kid. There was clearly something going on and I haven't got a clue what. I managed to shut my eyes despite my body protesting for me to stay awake at all of this new information, but I was soon taken into slumber- the thoughts in my mind disappearing with it.


	28. Twenty-Seven.

A little over a month had gone by since that entire revelation about Harry. I still haven't spoken to him about it because I now know that something horrific must have happened with his dad for him to react in such a way. I don't exactly think that bringing up a dream which consists of someone who looks uncannily like Harry with the latter witnessing it will exactly help mentally for him. Confusion still completely clouded my thoughts over the meaning of it. I had kept the dream to myself- I didn't even tell Chad about it and truthfully I felt rather guilty. At the time though there was so much going on with my family for me to take time to think about the meaning of such a weird phenomenon.

It did suck however for the last week because Harry had flown to America and the time change made it difficult for us to speak with one another. He was also moaning about it but we both knew it was coming sooner or later with Harry's career suddenly rocketing. Ever since he announced that he was releasing his album across the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, his fans went crazy and set up multiple campaigns to get his face out there so people would recognise him. The dedication they had to him was really quite amazing, I do have to admit. I honestly don't think I have ever seen a single fan base cause as much mayhem to get him known across the globe apart from his.

I was also glad about it because people were now finally beginning to accept me as Harry's boyfriend and I wasn't getting quite as much hate as I normally did. It is kind of sad that I was actually beginning to get used to it but Harry and I have been out in the open for a few months now. It really doesn’t seem like we've been together for six months now. That is half a year and it still feels like it was only days ago that we first met each other- and that was nine months ago. I snapped out of my thoughts when my alarm went off seen as for the first time in I don't know how long I was awake before it went off. I rolled off of my bed and trudged into the bathroom to start getting ready for the day.

College for me was only getting a lot more demanding which was why I made the decision to drop Media Studies. I genuinely wasn't enjoying the subject as much as I thought I would and all the projects we were given were taking up the majority of my free time. I knew I wasn't going to need it ever in life so I just asked myself why I was taking a subject that I just wasn't interested in. At least that made me learn to not pick a course simply because the name sounded cool. Ever since it had disappeared from my timetable I suddenly had a lot more time to work on the courses that I actually enjoy and I had more time to myself.

More time to myself though meant I was thinking more into that weird dream. It was actually beginning to become reoccurring but the barrier in it which kept me from being close to Marcel was getting weaker each time. The first time the 'dream me' witnessed Marcel's dead body lying on the floor with all of that blood around him had made me wake up in absolute terror before Harry even came into it. I had a horrible feeling that the next time I had the same dream- if I did- that it would be me actually witnessing Marcel cut his own arms apart and down two full bottles of pills. I shivered simply at the thought and forced my mind to think about other things.

When I stepped out of the shower I set to work on drying my hair seen as I knew it could possibly win the messiest birds nest competition- if that even existed. Honestly though, by the time I had set the dryer down I huffed in annoyance. Half of my fringe was sticking straight out and the other half of it was in a full on Mohawk. The left side was frizzing in a seemingly impossible amount of directions and the other side- I have no idea what the fuck that was doing. I winced whilst I dragged the brush through all the knots which were tugging hard against my scalp. I'll honestly be surprised if I'm not bald by the time I have finished with this mess.

Twenty minutes of constant wrestling later, the knots were all out. I looked at the time to see that I still had almost an hour until my first class. I nodded to myself and grabbed some of my gel, wetting it down and sculpting my hair into a slightly off-centre quiff. Once I was satisfied with how it looked, I pulled on my clothes for the day and ran downstairs. It was still rather strange to come downstairs and not seeing Mark at the table even though he was only there maybe twenty times a year because of his job. He had moved in with a friend because he simply said that he didn't want to make the six of us homeless. Within a month he had found his own house even though it was considerably smaller. Then again, there weren’t seven people living under the roof of it.

I wish I could say my mum took it well however.

I felt a small tear fall but I quickly wiped it away because I knew I had to stay strong for my sisters. I can't even count the amount of empty alcohol bottles I have found stashed in the house. It wasn't even one kind either- it was all kinds ranging from the cheapest wine you could get to the fanciest bottle of whisky you could find in a supermarket. Almost all of our spare money was now going towards funding her addiction and it was slowly breaking my relationship with her. It was only Harry's wise words which kept me from giving up on her completely- no matter how close I came to doing so. I froze when I heard my phone ring; I wonder who that could be? My face immediately brightened at seeing Harry's face take up my screen and I answered before the third ring began.

"Hi, Harry!"

He chuckled lightly with me. Right now Harry was in Los Angeles which meant he was eight hours behind. From one glance at the clock I noticed that for him it was 3A.M.

"Hey love, how are you?"

I smiled and felt a light blush coat my cheeks at hearing that single word again. We've said it to each other at least a hundred times by now but it still made my heart suddenly beat incredibly fast, goose bumps to build up on my skin, a blush form on my face.

"Good, I'm just about to leave to go and pick up Chad for College. How is it going for you?"

He let out a single shaky breath. I'm not aware of the exact date that he is releasing his album but if it wasn't today, it was in the next two days he was dropping it. The build up towards it was great and I was getting excited to listen to the new songs because he still annoyingly won't let me listen to any longer than the first thirty seconds. He always cut it off before it came to the chorus. He took another deep breath which made my heart drop- this didn't sound very good.

"Harry- "

I didn't get to say anymore because he suddenly yelled;

"Oh my fucking god Louis. It went number one within forty minutes!"

My mouth dropped open and I took my phone away from my ear, quickly switching it to the other seen as I'm pretty sure that eardrum is fucked for the day. Wait, did he just say number one?!

"Oh my god Harry, that's amazing!"

I realised that I had better get into my car otherwise I'm going to be late in getting Chad. Trust me; Chad being late is worse than a zombie apocalypse. I quickly grabbed my keys and slid inside, putting Harry on loudspeaker and plugging it into the radio as a makeshift speaker. He still wasn't saying anything but I can guess why, this was a huge thing for him. I know there are very few singers who have managed to do such a thing with any of their albums, never mind their first- which Harry had done. For the next ten minutes which I spent driving to Chad's we talked over anything and everything but I could still hear the disbelief in Harry's voice at what he had achieved. I pulled up outside of Chad's complex and sounded the horn before sitting back in my seat waiting on him to emerge.

"Louis?"

I turned to look at my phone again and smiled at seeing Harry's face still showing;

"Yes, love?"

He stuttered a little under his breath before asking quietly;

"You'll still be there for me right if things go wrong?"

At this I frowned deeply, is he talking about his career? If he is, why was he thinking about his career ending if it has only really just started? I think he sensed my confusion as to why he asked that so he elaborated for me.

"Like, if something tears us apart will you still be there as a friend?"

I think by now my face was unreadable. So he wasn't talking about his career, he was talking about us being together. It wasn't really the way he said it which was weird, it was the fact he had said it which was weird.

"Of course I will be Harry, are you having second’s thoughts or something?"

He grunted a little in surprise which was all the confirmation I needed.

"No way Louis, I love you ok? Anyway I'd better go and get to sleep because I've got a television interview in a few hours and you need to get to college."

I chuckled lightly and said quietly,

"I love you Harry. Good luck with your interview and congratulations for getting number one."

He hung up a few seconds later and just like that Chad came barreling out of the door at full speed and jumping into the passenger side. I knew why he was running so fast though because we now had fifteen minutes until our first class. With this thought, I drove away from where he lived. I was a little bit surprised really at seeing the minimal traffic in the streets but I suppose with the time people were just about due to go on their lunch breaks and were heading into the city centre to do so. Just as I had pulled up outside we both rushed to our respective buildings as neither of us wanted to be late.

I was surprised really at being the second person in class- I was expecting it to be full by now. The only thing that was annoying me was the other person who was in here. Brian. Also known as the ringleader of those arseholes as I have decided to call them because they are all nothing more than that. He sent me an equally filthy look as I took my seat near the middle which just so happened to only be three seats away from him in the same fucking row. I glared at him out the corner of my eye when I heard him couch lightly which was obviously to get my attention.

"What?"

I practically hissed the word out at him. He chuckled deeply under his breath which only fueled my anger even more. I don't even know how the guy can live with himself knowing he has been going completely out of his way to turn a bunch of people against someone and get them to beat him into a bloody pulp. I actually wish I did break his nose that one time I did punch him because then he might actually leave the poor guy alone.

"Tut, tut, tut Louis. Looks like your little fuckboy isn't here again."

I spun around and gave him an even more spiteful glare, my arms trembling in anger because I wanted to punch him so badly right now. I crossed my legs and leaned back a little, folding my arms in doing so in a rather futile attempt at trying to keep my hands to myself.

"First of all Briarse which is what I am going to call you. Marcel is not my fuckboy, I do not have a fuckboy, and I am not interested in fuckboys. I am very happily in a relationship with someone. Just because I am strongly against any form of bullying whether it is verbal, physical or cyber doesn't mean that I fancy him. I, unlike some twats like yourself, actually see everyone as equals so you dare insult me again and I swear you will be getting broken ribs as well as a broken nose, do you hear me?"

I'm surprised that I managed to keep my voice so calm and collected through that little lecture I just gave him. The fact that he dared accuse me of cheating on someone I love in such a low way because I don’t share the same views as him to equality only made me angrier than I was previously. What do people even see in fuck buddies in the first place anyway? I personally think it is a messed up way of telling someone that you like them but without wanting any form of commitment. His face went a little white which made me nod my head in joy seen as he had now been warned. Despite him being a fair few inches taller than me, he was certainly very lanky and obviously didn't weigh much which is why it was so easy to punch him the first time.

At least Music was my first class. People started filing in almost ten minutes late as usual which irritated the living daylights out of my lecturer as she stated strictly for us to put the work we were supposed to do at home at the edge of the desk for her to collect so she could mark them all. Within seconds I had pulled a few sheets out and soon realised I was the only person in my row that had actually bothered doing the work. She gave the other five people in the row with me a venomous glare but she smiled genuinely at me seen as I do bother in doing the work. I'm not going to take another year of college to get high enough qualifications to be accepted into a university, I've already had to take an extra year.

I scribbled down copies of as much of the notes on the screen as possible. My hand was screaming for me to stop but by now I was so used to writing a lot that I was able to completely ignore the ache it caused. I had taken Harry's advice seriously about jotting down all of my problems on paper because it had helped a ridiculous amount. It sounded extremely stupid when he first said it but I trusted him enough to listen and I am so glad that I did. I had actually turned in an essay which consisted of the aftermath of my parents divorcing for English and I had gotten an A* on it. I have never even gotten a regular 'A' before never mind the top grade so it was a giant shock to me.

I stashed my pens away as well as my notepads before jogging to the other side of the building for my Drama class. We never really did much in here because my lecturer printed out all of our notes for us- we just had to fill in blanks which was extremely boring but I really liked the content of the course. That is what I did for the next hour and soon I was heading to my last class of the day. It did suck for me though that I never got to see Chad in my classes anymore because he switched Music for Astronomy to fit more in with his science obsession. I had to stifle a snort- unsuccessfully might I add- at the fact that he used to say when he was younger that he would be a mad scientist. It wouldn't surprise me if he did become one to be honest; I mean the guy did go to a party dressed in drag after all.

Silence instantly overcame the room the second my English lecturer walked in; everybody was a little bit terrified of him because he had a vicious temper. If I thought my head teacher back in High School was bad, he was a million times worse and everyone agreed. He strolled down the centre of the four rows, setting down our essays and other assignments from this week which had been marked. I wonder what I got this time. I just hope I didn't fail it. The same girl who had now given up trying to use me to get to my boyfriend handed me my paper with a failed attempt at a frown which caused me to roll my eyes in annoyance.

She still hasn't gotten over the fact that I am refusing to let her anywhere near me to get to Harry. My eyes bulged as I realised that I had once again, received an A*. This was really good for me because so far the lowest grade I have been given on a paper was a B and my assignments through the year accounted for half of my final grade. It meant the only way I could fail would be if I didn't show up for my exam which is at the beginning of May. It's only a little over two months away from now. I read over the comments I had been given on my five assignments I was given last week, all of them being praise and all but one saying outstanding on them.

I was given my new assignments which just so happened to be my last ever for this class before we began all the revision lectures and finishing up the course. I had to put a lot of time into these ones. I swung my bag over my shoulder and ran out to the gate where I met Chad after every class. We were now going to get our lunch before going home- even though I didn't really want to go home because I have no idea what state my mum is in. The only money right now that is keeping us on our feet is the money which came from my parents split even though the divorce isn't going to be going through for another month.

My mind wandered back to what Harry had asked me this morning on the way to pick up Chad. Why did he seem so unsure of what he was saying? It was almost like he knew something that I didn't which was really weird. That dream was once again circling in my mind but I managed to ignore it despite the image being printed in my head again. Ever since I first had it a little over a month ago I have not stopped thinking about it for longer than a few hours a day. I even think about it when I am sleeping because of the fear that it will reoccur again.

"So, what are we doing about this Olly thing then?"

I blinked as I came back into reality. I glanced at Chad for a second and thought. After a few seconds we both seemed to know exactly what the other was thinking.

"Let's surprise him. Not tell him we are going but tell his parents."

He nodded beside me just as I parked my car outside the small café. As usual hardly anyone was inside as we walked in. The owner looked up and smiled before asking us what he always asked even though he didn't need to. He already knew exactly what we ordered every time we came here. Fifteen minutes later we were tucking into our very delicious meal, neither of us talking because we were both determined to completely finish. I gave in about three quarters of the way in because I think my stomach will probably explode if I even eat one more single thing. We both started talking but Chad seemed to notice I was a little bit off.

"Are you alright Louis? You've been acting a bit strange the last couple of weeks."

My eyes widened and I gaped at him in shock. He knew something was up the past couple of weeks and he didn't say anything? He probably realised that it wasn't something I necessarily wanted to speak about and therefore didn't ask. I stirred my straw in my milkshake a little bit to keep myself occupied; do I want to tell him? Yes. My subconscious instantly answered the question that I was silently asking myself.

"I had an extremely weird dream Chad."

He pulled his head back and made an extremely comical face. I would have laughed but right now I was thinking far too serious to even let so much as a chuckle escape my lips. He seemed to notice my weird mood that I was giving off and he realised that it wasn't just a weird dream; I don't even know what to call it. He didn't say anything but his expression was asking me why it was so weird. I took a deep breath before saying;

"It's been reoccurring as well. I first had it a little over a month ago but it gets even more graphic each time. I'm in a house that I don't recognise, then Marcel- "

He cut me off by stating;

"As in the Marcel who gets bullied?"

I gave him a stupid look, my eyes pretty much screaming 'How many people do you know called Marcel?' He nodded for me to continue whilst I stirred my drink.

"He's crying, a lot. He runs into a kitchen and I follow him. He is still crying, writing a note before becoming possessed I suppose. I watch as he pulls out a kitchen knife as well as two bottles of pills. At first he doesn't do anything, I watch as he stares at what he is holding. Then he sticks the note to the fridge and runs upstairs- again, I follow him. There is this barrier which prevents me from getting too close to him and he can't see me- like I'm invisible or something. He locks himself in a room whilst I wait outside in the hallway. Hours pass and he doesn't emerge, there is a weird smell and then someone else enters the house. I hear a glass shatter and then running footsteps and someone is standing there yelling for Marcel. He kicks the door in, screams and runs into the room which I still can't seem to enter."

I took a deep breath whilst trying to calm my pounding heart. Even speaking about it is just as bad as actually seeing it. The bad thing is that I actually do think it means something but I have no idea what. Chad's face was a ghostly shade of white now at what I had just told him- understanding just how odd this actually is.

"It's weird because each time I dream it, that strange barrier isn't there and I can get closer into the room. I remember waking up in so much shock when I saw what had actually happened."

He gently licked his lips in thought before softly saying;

"Marcel kills himself in it doesn't he? And you see his body every time."

I only nodded whilst trying to keep the tears in. Chad leaned forward and covered his mouth in shock, now knowing why it had been bugging me. I've had reoccurring dreams before but none that have gotten even more vivid each time. I've definitely never had a dream that was something so- depressing. I can't think of any other word but that to describe it.

"The weirder thing about it though Chad is that the boy who gets into the room first- is Harry."

He froze abruptly now, in an even worse state of shock. He was not thinking the same things as me even though he didn't need to voice him. Knowing someone for eighteen years of your life means you can pretty much read the others mind without saying a single thing. It was too strange for it to not mean something but I have no idea what the fuck it means. I only know that Marcel looks like Harry. I couldn't even ask him because he hasn't been in all week and since we don't have any classes together anymore I don't know the reason why he isn't in.

"Louis, if I were you I would keep an eye on Marcel. That is whenever he is back in college. I just know he is visiting relatives overseas for a few weeks and is taking the classes online until he can get back."

I gave him a weird look but then I remembered him telling me a few months ago that Marcel took Chemistry so he would be in one of Chad's classes. So he wasn't going to be back for a while. It dampened my mood because that meant I was going to have to endure that dream for a lot longer than I want to. I just want to be able to completely forget it and pretend I never had it. I just want everything to go back to how it used to be.

"Also Louis, if Harry was in your dream you had best keep an eye on him as well even though he is in America for another three weeks."

He gently squeezed my hand in reassurance which made me extremely proud to say that I have Chad as a best friend.


	29. Twenty-Eight.

Spring.

It is usually my favourite time of the year. The snow disappears, the sun stays out for longer, it gets warmer, and the snow melts. Animals began to come out of hibernation and filled the air with their various calls. I couldn't really go outside to enjoy the summer because there are three things which are still taking over my entire mind. The first one was obviously the most important- my exams. My first exam was a little over three weeks away and I was spending almost all of my spare time cramming as much knowledge from my notes and books as I possibly could. I even colour coded all of them for each separate topic so that I could learn it quicker.

It wasn't just this method I was using in order to challenge myself. I would ask Lottie or Fizzy to make up a list of questions for me from a specific topic once I gave them my books- they would give me an hour to learn as much of it as possible and then I would answer the question the best I could. It was working though which I was glad about. For the first time in years I think I actually have a pretty decent shot at being accepted into a really good university. I'm still not sure where it is I am going to apply but I was thinking Oxford or University College London. I guess it depends what course I want to go down I suppose and whether or not I get the right grades to meet the standard conditions.

Harry was also occupying my mind though. It had now been almost five weeks since I last saw him in person and it was driving me mental. His original plan to stay overseas for three weeks had been extended but he was banned from telling me why he had to stay- I just assumed it was for his job. It sucked more though because this was the first time that we really tested the long distance thing even though we both knew it was going to be coming sooner or later. I hated not being able to just go around to his flat, play video games, goof around and eat takeaway food. It just meant we really would need to make the best of the limited time we had together especially now that his career had sky rocketed after achieving a number one album in America- his first album that is.

The Marcel thing was also still annoying me too. He had still not come back from wherever he was supposedly visiting relatives so I couldn't keep a close eye on him like Chad had instructed. The same goes for Harry as I always forgot to bring anything up to him whenever we did get precious time to Skype or Face time each other. I was glad however that I hadn't seen Niall since that rather awkward confrontation a fortnight before Harry left. I shivered at remembering the fact that Harry took a panic attack. Truthfully whenever I have heard people talk about such things I always thought they were exaggerating- but now I had witnessed someone have one, I knew they weren't. If anything they were worse than what they are described.

My boyfriend and the rather odd kid wouldn't be occupying my mind however if it wasn't for that single dream which had still been haunting me. Chad had advised me to tell someone about it but I decided not to. If it really does mean something like I think it does- there are only two people who will be able to tell me. Those people being Marcel and Harry. I unfortunately however cannot speak to either of them in person which I would want to ask it about.

Chad was picking me up today though because in his words he felt like doing so. I knew the real reason why he was though and that was because he had purchased a new car seen as his old one had seen better days. I could hear it in his voice when he called me this morning that he was super glad that he finally didn't need to rely on me being a chauffeur for him anymore which results in a rather comedic sarcasm showdown between us- which I obviously won. A Tomlinson simply doesn't back down from a sarcastic spat no matter how stupid the argument is- it is simply how we were all raised and I am extremely proud to say that.

I had the exact same dream another seven times the past five weeks and luckily for me it never got any deeper than seeing Marcel's dead body on the ground. I was honestly preparing for it to shift in a way that I would be forced to watch him mutilate his own body almost beyond recognition and end it by swallowing who-knows-what. All I know is it was some kind of medication so I knew it wasn't illegal. As relieved as I was at this, it was still horrifying to see all the blood staining a light blue carpet a disgusting shade of burgundy. A loud horn sounding form outside was enough to silence these thoughts in my mind.

Grabbing my bag, I ran downstairs and jumped into Chad's new car in record time. His eyes widened in shock seen as it was usually me who was almost always running late. We drove in silence and I soon realised we were taking the slightly longer way- not that I was complaining though because we did leave really early. I also had a niggling feeling that Chad just wanted to show off by the fact that he bought a brand new car and not a second hand one off of someone like the majority of nineteen-year old’s. He doesn't really have anything to spend money on though because for one he refuses to buy a house even though he can afford it with that £2 million he inherited from his very wealthy grandparents. He just wants to be a regular kid and not be seen as a millionaire which I can completely agree on.

I really am the odd one out in my group of friends. Chad is a millionaire, Olly is a millionaire and Harry is definitely a millionaire. Yet here I am still struggling to find enough money in order to pay for my own petrol. It didn't help that my mum's addiction was now spiraling completely out of control. She lost her job recently as well seen as she started calling in sick most days but in reality she was just badly hung-over- I wish I could say that I felt sorry for her taking the divorce this badly but I honestly wasn't. I was now more or less the parent of the house, the girls all slowly realising that our mum really did have a problem. We've tried everything now to get her to see sense but she just won't take no for an answer. She genuinely thinks there is nothing wrong even though everything is wrong.

I haven't even told Chad or Olly about it yet because I don't want to burden them with my family problems. I don't really want to get in the way of everything with them because Chad hasn't seen his parents in years and Olly is lucky to see his parents once a month with them owning a very successful business. It didn't feel right in my mind to tell them about it because I'm luckier than them even though I really don't feel like I am. The only person who did know I could tell was Harry. I know he had a serious fight with his mum and he doesn't have any contact with her anymore, although I still have no idea about his dad.

I didn't feel quite as terrible telling him about everything because he understood me well. It's crazy that we've been together for almost eight months now, the anniversary of the first time we ever met in a little over a month. It’s crazy how quickly a year can go by, how crazy everything can change, how crazy you're entire thinking switches. I jumped when I felt Chad pinch my exposed arm seen as I had ditched a jacket for today seen as it was quite warm. I rubbed the spot a little and glared at him,

"What the fuck did you do that-?"

He cut me off by pointing ahead. I frowned but followed where he was pointing to and I felt my eyes almost bulge out of their sockets. Marcel was walking towards the main gate. I noticed now that he had parked up so I slid out rather awkwardly and gave Chad a look. Now was my chance to speak to him about that dream but I don't know if I can. My friend gave me a tight lipped smile before running in the opposite direction. If I don't speak to him now I won't be able to work up the courage to ask him again. I started walking up towards him but I stopped when I heard someone laughing and in a single second my blood was boiling and I completely forgot what I was going to talk to him about.

Soon, Briarse made an appearance but he didn't see me, along with a group of five other people. I rolled my eyes in irritation, why the fuck do people think it is alright to bully kids who are not only smaller but are clearly more vulnerable? Then again, Marcel isn't small at all- he is easily at least three inches taller than me and he was the same height as that dick. I don't think I'll ever be able to call him by his actual name because he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of it. Marcel didn't seem to notice them but I was a bit surprised that they didn't do anything to him.

I soon realised why because the girl whose name I didn't know ran over and pushed him into a large puddle. It was now I made my presence known and their faces all went white. Within seconds they had all scampered off to go to wherever, I wasn't really interested. I ran over to help up Marcel but he was already running and there was no way I would be able to catch up with him because he could run very fast. I huffed in annoyance and walked into my own building, glad that I only had one class today seen as all of my English lectures had finished. I could still go but I really didn't see the point in going to a class to sit and do jack shit.

My class went by really quickly but I was almost instantly bored because I had to wait another hour until Chad was out seen as he was my ride in. I took my stuff and headed for an empty music room, cheering when I realised the first one that I came to was. I shut the door behind me and walked over to the piano that was in the corner. I'm surprised really that no one comes to check on these rooms but they do let you in if you take the course. I carefully lifted the lid and took out my notepad.

If I knew I would take Harry's advice quite this seriously when he told me to write whatever I was going through and how it made me felt, I would have signed myself up for more English classes. I had already completely filled six notepads which all consisted of a little bit of everything. I bit the tip of my pen a little whilst I thought about what to actually write today and once I thought of bullying- my hand was flying from left to right at a ridiculously quick pace. I only paused when I felt a vibrate in my pocket. I didn't look at the caller ID so I wasn't sure who it was.

"Hello."

I heard a deep chuckle which instantly made me jump with realisation,

"Harry!"

He laughed a little bit more,

"Hi love, guess who is back home?"

I suddenly felt my heart swell and beat faster in excitement. He was home; my boyfriend was finally home after five weeks of constantly working across the pond. It may have only been a short trip over there but it certainly didn't feel like it. I guess so much has happened the last month for it to even seem like it happened in such little time. I do wish though that these things didn't happen but unfortunately they did. We talked for almost half an hour but he soon had to hang up because he was being asked for a phone interview on Radio 1. I chuckled lightly whilst we both said 'I love you' to each other before hanging up.

I returned now to playing the piano, even though I wasn't playing to begin with. Harry had shown me how to begin writing sheet music and I found myself drawing in musical notes on a blank page of my notebook. I froze when I realised that I could maybe get to the bottom of the whole Harry/Marcel thing by writing it down and comparing. With this thought in mind I flipped the pages until I found one that was completely blank. They both clearly had similarities to each other look-wise but did they have any other similarities? I'm not even sure why I was thinking like this but somehow it felt right.

I didn't know Marcel well obviously seen as we had shared no more than twenty words with each other but I had analysed his body language well enough to maybe understand his personality a little bit. First, I wrote down that dream- well the main parts of it. Why do I feel like that dream does have significance? It's just too weird to simply be anything else I suppose. Next I wrote both of their names on either side of the paper and jotted down what seemed odd about the two of them. After a few minutes of doing so I recognised a pattern and I felt my stomach begin to knot. I continued jotting down all the notes and I noticed that whenever Marcel wasn't in college, Harry was working away somewhere.

I jumped when I felt someone's hands land on my shoulders. I swung my elbow back and from the loud grunt which I did register told me that I had just elbowed my best friend right in the balls. In my defense though I didn't know it was him. I laughed a little before helping him up because I did feel a little bad. I quickly stuffed my notepad into my bag so that Chad wouldn't see because he didn't know I did this. Thankfully he didn't notice but the parallels between the two were constantly whizzing around in my head. The drive home wasn't much better though because my mind was going into complete overdrive to the point that I was beginning to feel sick.

Chad didn't question me but I knew that he was wondering why I was being so quiet. I just couldn't bring myself to speak because the saliva in my mouth had disappeared, I physically couldn't speak. Once I got out of the car I ran upstairs and locked my door before taking out my notepad again. I jotted down more notes and the parallels were only getting more common. You simply cannot have this much in common with someone who you don't know. They must know each other in some roundabout way.

They looked like each other though...

Oh my god. Now that I thought about it, it was staring me directly in the face. Marcel had green eyes and wore glasses- Harry had green eyes and clearly wore contacts even though he has never told me this. Marcel has the exact same guitar that Harry has and the song I had heard him play for those few minutes before we frightened each other had an eerily similar melody to one of Harry's newer songs. That song hadn't been released though so it as either a coincidence or Marcel knew the song. Marcel was never in college whenever Harry wasn't around which was only solidifying the truth even though I really didn't want to believe it. Surely this can't be happening to me?

I had never seen Harry topless which might seem strange for couples who have been together for eight months; did he always keep his top on to hide the bruises? Or is this really just a seriously good coincidence? I shook my head at this and I felt my tears begin to fall as I realised that what I was thinking was the only solution.

Harry and Marcel didn't share so many parallels because they knew each other. They shared these parallels because they were the same person.


	30. Twenty-Nine.

The whole morning, I was in denial, in denial about something that was as of now blatantly obvious. I had been lied to in a horrible way by someone that I had cared for, that I had loved. I guess everything was just a big lie. Was he ever going to tell me? I shook my head at the thought. I know he wouldn’t have told me anytime soon. I quickly got dressed for the day and I was worried about seeing him. Had he figured out that I knew?

For once I didn’t bother about the way I looked. I was wearing a white t shirt with a grey scarf seen as it was cold outside, a pair of jeans and converse shoes. My hair wasn’t styled in its original quiff like it is every other day and only now did I realise just how bloodshot my eyes looked. I had hardly gotten any sleep the night before seen as my mind was just so focused on the curly haired singer who I had once called mine.

Today though, I was going to end it. I couldn’t be in a relationship if I couldn’t trust him anymore. I just don’t understand why he had lied for so long. I mean we had been together for almost eight months. Had he been with me just to play my heart like tabloids ‘well-document?' Had he felt pity for me? I shook my head before grabbing a beanie, it smelled strongly of apples and mint seen as I had stolen it from Harry, or Marcel, and I don’t know who he really is.

I didn’t bother taking my car with me; I just wanted a lot of time to think over what I was going to say to him, glad that Chad had decided to walk today. Did the two of them just look uncannily alike? I grunted a little at this as I kicked a rock on the pavement. I knew that Harry was Marcel or Marcel was Harry, I wasn’t entirely sure which. The only thing I did know was that I had to end this relationship as soon as possible.

I soon noticed the campus come into view; I stopped for a few seconds and took out my phone. I send Harry a quick text.

[To: Popstar]  
We need to talk; can you pick me up after school?

I didn’t put the smiley face or the kisses I had oh so many times before, my heart was shattering inside of me. I took a deep breath whilst walking into my building, most eyes instantly on me. I kept my gaze on the ground though as I dragged my feet along the corridors, 

“He looks a mess.” 

I heard so many people say as I walked passed them. Suddenly I heard the sound of something hitting the ground or rather someone hitting the ground. I turned around sharply to see the gelled hair and those huge glasses. Normally I would have interfered, told them all to back off and leave him alone. But now I just felt numb and cut off from everyone, especially Harry. He got up gathering his books as everyone in the corridor erupted in laughter minus me of course. He quickly left but not before his eyes darted my way for a split second, practically unnoticeable to anyone but us. Eyes as deep as the darkest forest, as the brightest emerald, eyes I had looked in to and said ‘I love you’ too.

I had no classes with him but every time I saw that over-gelled hair my whole body went rigid and my heart ached. Did he do all of this just to spite me? Had Marcel made up Harry to get away from being bullied? Had Harry made up Marcel so he could escape paparazzi invading everything about his private life? Or was it something else? Something he didn’t trust anyone with?

I spotted him again outside at lunch sitting like usual with Niall. I noticed the Irish lad’s eyes dart my way before turning back to his friend. This set a fact in stone for me. Niall knew what was going on, what the boy’s secret life was. Had he known since he knew Harry? Or had he known for very little time like I had? Suddenly I felt the anger build up inside the pit of my stomach. If he could trust his best friend with a secret like this, how could he not trust me, his own boyfriend? Well ex-boyfriend now, just thinking that ripped my heart in two. Was this what losing someone you love feels like?

Lunch had finished pretty soon however and I was once again sitting in the music room seen as I had free classes. I was the only person in here, possibly the only person in the corridor for all I know. I hastily walked over to the piano and lifted the lid revealing the black and white keys. Even this set a poignant fact in my mind.

White and black. 

Light and dark. 

Good and bad. 

Our relationship the past eight months had been so blissful, so romantic yet he was hiding a side of him. Everything had seemed far too perfect, there were no cracks, he understood me and I understood him. Well I thought I understood him. I hadn’t even realised that I had started to play an extremely depressing song. 

Faith and betrayal. 

We had both been faithful to each other but he had kept half his life hidden from me when I had told him everything.

Hastily, I took out the small notebook that I had in my bag and started to write down how I felt, even this reminded me of him. Suddenly, I was hit with a memory. It was just after my parents got divorced after fifteen years of marriage. I was a wreck that day and he had held me close as I cried into his chest. He was rubbing my back trying to calm me down telling me everything would be alright. He gave me a book full of blank paper as he told me 

“Write and draw what you are feeling love. Yes, it will hurt to do so but trust me on this one; it is worth it in the end. It helped me through a very dark, trialing and depressing time. I believe it can help you as well.”

It was now that I realised I was crying, not a lot but a few stray tears had left my eyes. I had asked him what he meant with saying ‘dark, trialing and depressing time’. He had not answered though. He had shaken his head at me assuring me that it was not important and he would tell me in time. This made me question another theory into the whole Harry/Marcel thing. Had it been a way that allowed him to cope with something that was mentally killing him? Now that I thought about it, he had never mentioned his family- well except his mum on only three occasions, yet I had introduced him to mine over Christmas. Surely that had some sort of significance?

I was distracted when I heard the bell, signaling that I should leave seen as this room is being used for a class at this time. I got up abruptly grabbing my notebook and hurrying out into the corridor. No one knew that I played piano and occasionally sang, no one knew I was pouring out my thoughts and feelings onto paper. I didn’t want them knowing either. The majority of students in this college all took morning classes so they could get out of the building quicker. I never wanted to go home though and face my mother who had spiraled out of control with drinking. It was something that I had only told my sisters and Harry about as she managed to hide it well.

Soon enough I was in the fresh air. The scent of freshly cut grass entering my nostrils, everything just seemed more real in a sense. At this I felt a familiar ache in my chest as I spotted the van up ahead. A van I had been in many a times. Most of which was snogging Harry or just enjoying some peace and quiet seen as so many people talk about our relationship. I opened the door cautiously and I spotted that hair instantly.

He didn’t look at me for a few seconds but when he did the aching in my chest grew, 

“I know that you know Louis. Don’t try and hide it.” 

I nodded a little. I noticed his voice cracked a little saying this as if it hurt him. I stayed put though,

“Why did you not tell me?” 

I didn’t want to continue this but I wanted to know why he was doing what he was. He looked down onto his lap again twiddling his fingers,

“I don’t know if I can tell you- “

This caused me to snap. How dare he? 

“Look Harry or Marcel whatever one you are. What the fuck do you mean you don’t know if you can tell me?! Do you not trust me or something?! I told you everything about my life so why won’t you tell me this side?! Are you ashamed of it?! If you are then good because I can’t do this anymore.”

I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes threatening to spill over but I didn’t allow them to fall,

“Louis I- “

I looked outside to notice we were almost at my house. I looked to the side to see that he was crying, hysterically at that. Seeing him like this was horrible but then I realised that I did not want to pity him, 

“Look I can’t be in a relationship if you can’t trust me. If you couldn’t tell me something as big as this, then what else could you be hiding from me?! You know I really thought you loved me, but I guess you didn’t because if you did you would have told me.” 

I opened the door and stepped out,

“Louis please, don’t leave me” 

He was pleading now and I felt like I was being stabbed a thousand times over but I had made my decision.

“Goodbye.” 

I ran up my driveway opening the front door closing it swiftly behind me. I waited a few minutes before looking out the glass paneling. The van was gone; Harry was gone, taking some of my heart with him. It was only now that I let the tears fall and not a couple like earlier, a lot fell. Hot salty tears filled my mouth as I let out an agonised cry.


	31. Thirty.

In the past eleven months, time seemed like a feeble thing. Seemingly passing by in the blink of an eye to the point it was difficult to tell exactly what day it was. However, over the last seven days, this had not been the case under any circumstances. It had only been a week, one single week since all of that had gone down between myself and Harry. Just thinking of his name caused my stomach to twist painfully inside of me and brought tears to my eyes. Was it normal for breakups to be like this? For everything else that was important in life no longer the only thing that occupies a mind? I honestly don’t know anymore, nothing seemed to make sense to me anymore ever since I had spoken that single word to him.

I hadn’t meant it completely the way that I had spoken it. I had said it so coldly and harshly, on top of that I completely ignored that I had broken Harry again. I had worked so hard to get him to let me inside his seemingly never ending walls and I had thrown all of that hard work away with something as stupid as a single word. I had not received a single text or call from him, nor had I called or texted him. I knew that if I did I would not be able to control myself and my guilt for being so selfish in that moment. At the time I definitely wasn’t thinking straight and I wanted to hurt him in retaliation to him lying to me about this whole Marcel thing.

He had let me see a side to him that nobody had ever seen except those he is closest to. If I’m being honest, I don’t even think Chris is aware of just how broken Harry really is and this only caused me to feel even more sick than I did previously. He’d trusted me completely which he never does and I had flung it back in his face. I had promised him weeks before I ended things that I would always be there for him as a friend if things went sour between us. Well, look how that ended. I think he knew that I was going to find out and he didn’t want to tell me himself, which was why he somewhat hinted it to me that day. Harry needed me more than anyone else because everyone needs someone who isn’t family to them. I was that person and I’d ruined things between us all because I didn’t let him explain or at least talk to him about it.

Maybe he would have told me the reason, or maybe he would tell me that he would in time like a few other things he had told me previously. He’s always been fragile despite putting up a hard exterior so nobody can see just who he really is as a person. I was extremely lucky to have been let in like I was yet I had destroyed all of that with just a single word. One fucking word and I had completely ruined everything between us. I could have at least told him that I couldn’t be in a relationship with him yet do it somewhat nicely instead of so harsh. Words cut deeper than knives and I was feeling the horrible consequences of this now.

I knew that any sort of relationship between us whether that simply be friendship or like it had been for eight months was hanging by an extremely thin translucent wire. A wire that could be snapped in seconds and with this thought in mind I had grabbed my phone intending to make the first move. There is no point in sulking like this and suffering in silence, I’ve seen first-hand how that turns out for people and it was something I didn’t want to experience myself. I couldn’t distance myself from him because he clearly needs me right now and even if it was going to hurt massively, I was ready to take the chance.

I needed answers to everything, and I needed answers as soon as possible. I’m just going to end up being stuck in a world full of ‘what ifs’ and nothing else. I don’t want to spiral down that path and live in fear of things that I know nothing about. Something struck me now though about Harry and it made me pause just as I had clicked on his name on my phone. I hardly knew him at all. He knew me inside out whereas all I knew were silly little facts. Nothing about his upbringing, nothing about his biological family apart from his mum, nothing about what his school years were like apart from that he left at fifteen. I had asked him but he always changed the subject whenever it was brought into conversation either seriously or casually. There must be a reason for that, something really bad must have happened. I snapped out of my thoughts once I realised that I’d received a text message and the second I looked at it my heartbeat quickened and tears fell from my eyes again.

[From: Popstar]  
I know that you probably hate me right now, Louis. I understand that. I should have told you everything right from the beginning and shouldn’t have cared about the possible repercussions between us. Whether you would be disgusted or felt incredibly sorry it would have been a lot better than this right now. I still care a lot for you, and I definitely still love you with all of my heart and I don’t want this to end between us. Even if we are only friends. I miss you and I need you. What I’m trying to say here is that, I’m ready to tell you. Absolutely everything. You need to know and I can’t ignore it any longer. If you want to know, then come by my place and I will tell you.

Even just seeing his name only made me feel worse than I did previously but I gulped in an attempt to get rid of it. I didn’t want to think about my own selfishness for doing what I did. Seeing this text and what he had put into it was enough to tell me that he didn’t dislike me for it. A part of me still thought that he did even though it was obvious now that this wasn’t the case at all. It was there now in black and white, and he was ready to tell me absolutely everything. I was finally going to get the answers that I have been craving for months. He didn’t give me a specific time so before I changed my mind, I grabbed my coat and keys. 

I just sat in my car for a few minutes as nerves built up inside of me over everything. I still felt violently sick to my stomach over it all but I know that I need to do this. If there is any hope of us getting back together we need to talk. Even if that doesn’t happen this will give us the closure that we need in order to move on from one another. I really hope that it isn’t the second option because I do still love him deeply. Eventually, I took a deep breath and began my journey to Harry’s flat. Along the way it had ironically started raining which was essentially mirroring my mood right at this moment. Time seemed to fly by again and I had soon parked up outside of his complex. I didn’t get out though for a few more minutes as I really thought everything over, every possibility that could come with this talk.

I sighed deeply before getting out and locking the doors behind me. I walked slowly, dragging my feet across the pavement. What would have normally taken me a matter of seconds had taken me quite a few. For a split second I debated turning around and just cutting myself out of his life but I knew that I couldn’t be as selfish as that. I’ll never be able to move on from him unless I face him in the flesh. With this thought in mind, I bit my tongue and made my way up the stairs until I was standing outside of his door. I knocked rather hesitantly and waited for roughly a minute before he answered. He stood there almost timidly, looking so much shorter than his six-foot frame. It was when I looked him in the eye that I saw just how badly I had hurt him by walking away like I did. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to actually come, Louis.”

He stepped aside and let me in. I did a bit hesitantly because I was still extremely wary over all of this but for a very good reason. Just seeing that look in his eyes had been enough proof that he really was hanging on by a thread before he completely loses himself and as long as I am here, that is not happening. Right now, I am here to get an explanation for all of the shit that has been happening. I was finally going to be told the entire picture. Before I would have thought that I would desperately want to know it all but right now I didn’t. This was my only chance though and I knew that I couldn’t distance myself nor could I push Harry away. 

I followed Harry into the open planned living room and he very quickly sat down on the couch and hid his face in his hands. Even from the distance I knew that he was crying and this told me how hard this really was on him. I’ve seen him go through tough things but that was mostly about his career and not about him personally. This was decidedly different than either of those times. I wasn’t quite ready to sit down beside him just yet so I instead sat down on the other couch and just looked at him, waiting on him to say something. After a few minutes had passed, it became painfully obvious that he really didn’t want to talk but he knew that he had to. Since I knew he wasn’t going to make the first move, I did instead.

“What was the deal with this whole Marcel thing? Why did you not tell me long before?”

His legs bent up until his heels were on the edge, rocking slightly back and forth as a heart wrenching cry fell from his mouth. This was enough to tell me that there definitely was a lot more to it and completely contradicted two of my theories to everything. One of those being Marcel making up Harry to escape bullying and the second being Harry making up Marcel to escape the limelight. A horrible feeling of dread overcame me now along with nothing but pure curiosity because I genuinely wanted to know what the deal was about. Did this possibly mean that Marcel was a real person whom Harry was incredibly close to? Harry seemed to be having some kind of inner battle with himself and despite me wanting to hug him close to me and calm him down, I knew that it was something that I couldn’t do. 

“Harry, is he a real person?”

This only seemed to make things a whole lot worse for him and another round of heart breaking sobs left him. I had to bite my lip hard to stop it from trembling. I knew that this was something that I really wasn’t going to like but again, it is something that I need to know. It was deathly quiet after I had asked him the question apart from his cries. How I was remaining somewhat collected at hearing that sound surprised me massively. Eventually, he had managed to calm down enough in order to speak despite him having a slight hiccough now. He nodded a little bit in my direction to tell me that I was indeed correct and dread seeped even deeper into me as the dots began to connect in my head. I just hope that I am not right.

“He- he was my brother. My baby brother. He was only six minutes younger than me but he was always my baby brother. He was too young, far too innocent.”

None of it really made sense to me considering he had changed the topic half way through the sentence. His brother, the second person I had heard Harry willingly speak of his biological family. If Harry was six minutes older than him then that meant that they were twins- probably identical. I’m not sure what shocked me more, the fact that he had told me this or the fact that he was speaking in past tense. He was too young. Too young for what? No words were spoken for a few moments as he stared directly at me, waiting on me to join all of the pieces together to figure out exactly what had happened. It was at that exact moment that something came back to me which hadn’t until now due to my mind being preoccupied with crippling guilt. The dream. My breath completely hitched in my throat now as that image flashed in front of me.

How had I not put the pieces together before? Now that I was thinking about it, it had become blatantly obvious. Harry had told me about Marcel before now, long before now actually. He just hadn’t outwardly spoke of him. His journal, those entries that I read. The person that he was talking about in it whom he loved so much was no other than Marcel. He spoke of him ending his own life, swallowing a lot of medication and cutting his arms open so that his blood stained a light blue carpet. All of it corresponding to my dream. So it was real then, that was exactly how it had all played out. That was why they were both so young in it. Marcel was dead, and had been dead for years. 

“Oh my god.”

That was all I could seem to get out of my mouth as this new information sank in. Now I felt even guiltier over everything. I should have let him explain then instead of walking away like the ignorant arsehole that I am. Not at one point during all of this did I realise that it would be something as serious as this. Something else began to sink in now and once again after the dots added up. Harry pushed his mum away because he retreated in on himself after Marcel died. If I was in the same situation I would have done the same thing. Harry regrets it massively now. Those journal entries had also confirmed when he was diagnosed and how he was diagnosed. Harry had wanted to die himself and the only thing that kept him alive was the impending guilt over his treatment towards his mum. 

“There’s a lot more to it than what happened to him Louis. I can’t just openly say it though without taking you somewhere. You need to see this yourself.”

I frowned a little bit but I got up and followed him anyway. So much knowledge was buzzing in my head right now and I could feel a headache beginning to form. I wasn’t going to let this stop me in finding out the truth though. What exactly could be worse than finding a dead sibling? He’d also spoken of someone else, a girl named Gemma. She had obviously lived with them when this happened and this told me that she was most likely his sister. There was another person that he had mentioned in it, someone named Robin- was he maybe Harry’s dad? I shook my head because there was no use thinking up all of these scenarios when I don’t know for sure myself yet. The cold air hit me directly in the face once we were outside and he walked over to a large black car. I was about to jump in the back like usual when I caught Harry giving me a weird look from the opposite side.

“Why are you going in the back, Louis?”

I stopped what I was doing as my cheeks immediately reddened in embarrassment. It was pretty obvious now that Harry wouldn’t have a driver or Chris come to get us. This talk needs to be about us and us alone- no one else. I hid my face when I slid in and I could feel a slight smirk playing on Harry’s lips at my stupidity in that moment. He slid inside not long after and proceeded to turn the engine on along with the heating. It was a cold tonight so the warm gust of air was very much welcomed. We weren’t going anywhere yet so I turned to face him only to see him staring out of the windscreen with that same torn apart look in his eyes. I also caught sight of his right hand toying with the bottom of the steering wheel nervously.

“Where are you taking me?”

This seemed to snap him out of his strange movements and he shook his head a little bit as if coming to his senses once more. He took a rather shaky breath and turned to look at me before pulling out of the car park. Despite getting even more increasingly annoyed with him for not telling me anything, I knew that I had to let him tell me on his own accord. I could not force anything out of him despite really wanting to do so. This is our only chance to repair whatever kind of relationship we have and I cannot waste that. For a few minutes he didn’t speak, in fact, he seemed to be completely ignoring me. I huffed a little in annoyance here and looked out of the window on my side, trying to figure out where it was that he was taking me. 

“The only place that will confirm what I’m going to tell you, Louis.”

He had said it quietly, almost in a whisper tone. I had picked up on it however considering there was no radio on so the only thing I could hear was the faint rumble of the engine and our own breathing. His cryptic words didn’t do much in calming me. Nerves were building up in the pit of my stomach at whatever it was that I was going to be told. All I know is that it isn’t something good and this only contributed to my nerves. I tried a breathing technique that Mark had told me about that supposedly helps calm someone down, it only worked a little bit but at least it was something. 

“Why did you not tell me any of this sooner? You know that you can trust me, Harry.”

A strange noise left his lips as I said this and I knew that I had hit another soft spot. I gave him a few seconds to think over his reply- if he is going to reply that is. Rushing never gets someone there in the end anyway, it is better to just let life play out the way that it is supposed to. I continued to look at our surroundings and I frowned deep in concentration as we got further and further into the London suburbs. These areas were known for their bad reputation and I was curious as to why we were here. Harry turned off of the main road and went up a street where some houses were along with what appeared to be a High School but I couldn’t read the sign in the dark so I wasn’t entirely sure. 

“You know that I trust you, Louis. It’s just, it’s hard to explain. I honestly didn’t think that this was something that I could trust you with though- “

I snapped my head to the side now and frowned deeply at him. He looked down for a split second before focusing on the road once more. He was biting his bottom lip really hard and his breathing was ragged.

“What do you mean you couldn’t trust me with it?!”

He wasn’t at all startled by my outburst here because he knew exactly why I was annoyed with him for this. The words cut deep in me and it really made me question everything with him. If he couldn’t trust me with this then what else did he not trust me with? I just didn’t expect for an emotion to flash across his face for a split second, an emotion that I had never truly seen on Harry. Anger. This was only confirmed when he practically spat back my way like it was venom;

“I don’t mean trust in that way, Louis. This is trust over something completely different. Has it ever gone through your mind that this is something a lot deeper?! Did it ever go through your fucking mind that by not telling you I was trying desperately to hold myself together?! I have no one left, and I do mean no one. There is only two other people that I have trusted with this secret and they are Niall and his dad!”

I was startled to say the least by the way that he had spoken. It was difficult to tell if he was angry with me or with my question. Nothing seemed to be making sense to me and only one thing stuck out to me during his small rant there. Niall, he knew everything. I had suspected it for a long time but now Harry had actually confirmed it. Anger bubbled up inside of me once again and I couldn’t stop myself from saying back;

“How long has Niall known about this Harry?!”

He grunted in annoyance and I saw his knuckles turn a ghostly shade of white from his grip. I knew he was trying to refrain from letting out too much right now and regretting it later but it was still really pissing me off massively.

“He knew with a month of knowing me. He gave me food, gave me a home, accepted me into his family without complaint, showed me that there was still a lot more to life than where I was stuck. It was the least that I could do to show him that I was incredibly grateful for what he done.”

Tears started falling from his eyes again before facing ahead and promptly ignoring me once again. I bit my tongue in annoyance and instead proceeded to scan him to try and figure out what it was that was going on in his mind right now. On top of that, as selfish as it was to be thinking in the way that I was, I was searching for a sign of remorse or even guilt to everything. However, there was nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. There were no emotions in his eyes, not a small glint, his face hardened in the exact same position. His eyes seemed to lighten a few shades as well until they were more a pale mint as opposed to their regular forest shade and this silenced me completely. Whatever it was that he was going to tell me, was indeed the reason why he was like this. How he had developed a mental illness, why he had pushed people away so much, why he never let anyone in, why he talked very little about anything. What could possibly happen to a person for the end product to be this? 

I must have zoned out for a few minutes because I had soon realised that we were on a road that was practically deserted. The houses that had been surrounding us only a matter of minutes ago no longer in sight under the quickly darkening night. It had been 8pm when Harry had text me so I knew by now it was easily nearing 10pm. Not late by any means at all but I knew that this was going to be a long, long night. I refrained myself from asking Harry where he was taking the two of us because he knew exactly what he was doing. He seemed to twitch a little bit which told me he was really fighting with himself over this. He wants me to know but he doesn’t want to tell me himself. Although, he knew that he had no choice and he had reluctantly accepted that fact.

“Look, Louis. I really am sorry for not telling you everything sooner, but I just wasn’t ready. I don’t even know if I am ready to open up about this but I can’t put it off any longer. You deserve to know and I’d much rather you hear it from me and from nobody else.”

There seemed to be some sort of invisible barrier around us, created by the very noticeable tension. I’m pretty sure that I could grab any sharp object right now and carve a shape into it, that was how thick it was. We were both on completely different pages and it was something that I was not used to and definitely did not like. We drove for roughly another ten minutes which was once again, shrouded in silence. I like having time to myself in the quiet as does everyone else on occasion, but this was taking it to a whole other level. This easily must have been the least we had talked when we actually spent time together in person. Eventually, Harry parked the car and I took the opportunity to look at where we were. Dread sunk in once more as I read a sign above an old iron gate.

“Why did you take me to a graveyard so far out of the city?”

He didn’t answer but I didn’t expect him to either. Harry’s remained scarily silent tonight which I knew was probably because he was thinking up ways to tell me. He’s probably been remembering specific memories that he had otherwise locked away in a part of his brain intending to never be opened again. He sighed deeply and slid out of the car. Despite him not speaking, I got his message clearly and I followed him. I shivered as soon as we were out and pulled my coat tighter around me in a desperate attempt to remain somewhat warm. I made sure to leave a good metre of space between us as I looked around warily- graveyards had always frightened me ever since I was a young kid. I’m not sure where this came from but I had to swallow that fear right now because we were going to be here for a while. After what seemed like hours, he turned to the right and walked down a long isle of headstones. He wasn’t even looking at them and this told me that he knew exactly what one we were going to. And I think I knew what one it was that we were going to and it did nothing to calm me down even in the slightest. Eventually, he paused and sat down in front of a rather large one. He still didn’t speak a single word and I managed to tear my gaze from his face and read the name that was on it- or rather, names.

Marcel Alexander Styles: 1994-2008.  
Gemma Anne Styles: 1990-2009.  
Anne Twist: 1967-2009.  
Robin Twist: 1960-2009.

I was expecting to see Marcel’s name, so that had not surprised me. However, the fact that it was all those names that seemed to haunt me in a sense. An even more horrible feeling seemingly washed over me, and I was aware of my left hand covering my mouth as I took a few shaky breaths. I had always simply thought that Harry had had an awkward fall out concerning his family yet the evidence was clear as day that they were in fact dead. Buried six feet under the ground, probably nothing but dust by now. I quickly calculated the dates in my head and this only made me feel even more sick. Marcel was fourteen when he died, Gemma was eighteen or nineteen- depending when her birthday was, his mum was only thirty-three, and who was obviously his stepdad had only been forty-nine. 

“Louis, I can tell you this in two ways here. Do you want me to tell you the most difficult parts first or just start from the very beginning of everything?”

I snapped my head to the side now to face Harry who was very visibly crying. I was about to swing my arm around his shoulder and pull him close to me but I realised that it was probably far too soon for me to do such a thing. We weren’t back together and I’m not even sure if we’re friends at this exact moment either. I don’t want to make things awkward between us. I thought over his question and eventually decided on the second option, I would much rather hear all of it instead of just bits and pieces of it. He nodded in acceptance as if he already knew what the answer was and simply wanted to hear it verbally himself before continuing. He cast his gaze back to the stone, staring blankly at it with no emotion at all in his eyes.

“As you already know, Louis. I’m not from London, nor anywhere near. I was born in Worcestershire but I moved to Cheshire when I was about a year old so I can’t remember anything from there. I was raised in a small village called Holmes Chapel and when I say small, I do mean small. I don’t think the population is a single number higher than five thousand to be honest. Therefore, everyone knew everyone. I lived with my siblings- Gemma and Marcel- along with our parents. Everything was fine for quite a while, but when I was five, things started to go wrong.

“My dad drank a lot, and when he did he was very violent. I’d seen him occasionally grabbing my mum by the hair or yelling at her but it never got any worse than that before he snapped out of it. My mum loved him deeply and therefore she just put up with it. What she didn’t know was that he started taking out his drunken anger out in different ways. As I said already, I was five. My mum and Gemma went away shopping that day and neither me or my brother went with them and instead stayed at home. That was when it first happened.

“He was very violent, and had a horrific temper. If he didn’t get his own way, then he made sure that he got his own way- simple as that. I can’t remember what it was exactly now but he had asked me to do something for him and I said no- and he hit me. Not a silly smack across the bum or something, he full on slapped me across the face. After this, it became verbal and because I was so young I thought it was normal. After a month of this though, it started to get physical again and I was so, so scared Louis, you have no idea.

“I think it was roughly three months after he first hit me hard was when I realised that he was also hurting my brother too. Never Gemma, and he never done anything with my mum again. So neither of them knew and we didn’t tell them as he had convinced us both that they would never believe us. So we retreated in on ourselves, learned how to hide everything from people. Even our bruises, nobody suspected a thing was amiss.”

He cut off after this and now I didn’t give a fuck whether or not it would backfire on me. I had reached over and pulled Harry into my chest, allowing him to cry there. I rubbed his back a few times and I was aware of how much he was shaking in my arms. He was terrified about reliving all of this and I don’t blame him for that. It was obvious now why Harry had taken that panic attack when Niall had mentioned his dad, he was remembering the abuse he had endured as a toddler.

“Neither me or Marcel knew what was happening at the time. We were five years old Louis and because we were both so young, we just assumed that it was normal. We still never spoke about it except to each other and this is what made our bond a lot stronger. We already had a strong bond because we were identical twins but this was different between us, a deep understanding of each other. It’s hard to explain it Louis. So basically, the abuse continued for almost three years. To put it simply, we were both broken. Long passed being fixed in any way and my mum and sister were getting increasingly more worried about us. They knew that something was up but if they knew what was actually happening.

“I was eight years old when things had changed from dreadful into terrible. Once again, my mum and sister had left to have a girly day out which left us with that monster. Neither of us considered him our dad after all that he had done to us and something happened to me. I realised that it was wrong, just this epiphany I suppose. He went to hit Marcel but I ran in front and took the hit myself. I told my brother to hide- which he did- and I just waited. Not much happened for a few minutes, we just stared at each other. Me in fear and him in rage. I waited on the beating, but it never came. What happened instead was a whole lot worse, and it is something I can never get back.”

I heard a loud sniffle break the otherwise silent night and this told me that he had finally let his tears fall freely. I just sat there in complete astonishment and disgust. What kind of sick bastard verbally and physically abuses his own sons? Two fucking five-years-olds and for years too. What could be a lot worse than that? Harry pulled away for a second to stare me deep in the eye, asking me to just read what it was that was on his mind right now. He realised soon that I was just confused with his signals so he instead looked down and he pointed discretely to the zipper of his jeans. The disgusting truth finally sunk in and my hands covered my mouth as I began hyperventilating on the spot. Oh my god, this cannot be happening. Deep down though, I knew that it was. I calmed down enough in order to stutter out a single question;

“Harry, did your dad sexually abuse you? As in, did he fucking rape you?”


	32. Thirty-One.

I’ve always lived by the fact that words speak louder than actions, and this was certainly one of those cases. Shock was rippling through me because the second I had asked him that question, I knew that it was right. The night terrors made sense now, how he always screamed out things like “please don’t hurt me” and “no” so much. He was dreaming of him being abused physically and sexually by someone that he should love. Someone who should have cared for him. I had felt sick from guilt for most of the day but now I felt sick for a whole other reason- disgust. Despite abuse being nothing new to me, hearing someone that I care about massively speak about it seemed to bring just how serious it was into perspective for me. 

I was aware of Harry still looking at me, waiting on my reaction or for me to simply look at him. He hadn’t confirmed what I had asked yet but his silence was all of the confirmation that I needed. If it wasn’t the truth, then he would have reacted. He spoke about his bond with Marcel being incredible because of this- understanding one another on a level that no other siblings would experience. They both pushed people away and kept to themselves obviously. This was what caused his relationship to be so strained with his mum, because he focused all of his time on his brother. Not once before did it run through my mind that they had been related, never mind identical twins. But Marcel was dead, had been dead for five years. Why was Harry going to school as him? I knew that there was clearly a lot more to the story than what he was letting on. 

I finally looked up to face Harry who was still sporting that torn apart expression on his face. It only seemed to make it even more real. This didn’t seem like reality at all to me, seemed fabricated due to me not wanting to believe what was now staring me directly in the face. It made sense why he never spoke of his biological family now that I had been told. I finally reacted and pulled Harry in close to me so that his head was resting in the crook of my neck. I realised now that he was shaking violently and with this thought in mind, I rubbed his back and whispered soft words into his ear to try and calm him down. I don’t want him to freak out too much on me right now. I wasn’t looking at him, but I could feel it- him nodding. Him confirming my suspicions made me feel even worse and I held him tighter to me. Eventually, he pulled away and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand which didn’t do much as a new round of tears fell. 

“Obviously, I had no idea what was happening. How could I have? I was eight years old, I had no idea what sex even was at that age. I just knew that it was wrong, how could it have been right when he was hurting me so much? At first he locked me inside my bedroom, Marcel was banging on it because he was so, so scared for me. I could almost feel his fear almost, it’s a really strange sensation. He forced me to pleasure him first, and I actually vomited. This only angered him even more and now I was even more scared than I was previously. I can’t even describe how much terror I was going through at the time. The fact that I didn’t know what was going on made it even worse if that is even possible. This only increased when he pinned me to my bed, removed my trousers. He touched me a lot at first, spoke disgusting words to me. Then the pain really began, my tiny body couldn’t handle it at all. Nothing was going through my mind at all, I didn’t know at the time that I was losing my virginity in such a horrible fashion.

“I didn’t even cry, I just completely numbed myself from everything. That was a trick both myself and my brother had mastered, and it came in very handy in that horrible moment. I’m not sure if it had lasted a few minutes or a lot longer because soon I heard voices in the corridor. Basically, Marcel had called my mum from the house phone in a panic, and then she alerted police. My door got kicked in and- and they saw. My mum, my sister, my brother, two unnamed police officers. I felt so exposed but I was so, so glad that Marcel thought quickly then. My dad was taken away in handcuffs and I was taken to the nearest police station for questioning. My mum filed for divorce the next day. She loved him but all of that diminished the second she witnessed him fucking raping me. I was right years old, Louis.”

By this point, I was crying full on as well. There was no point in me trying to remain strong here because I wasn’t. I somehow felt really quite vulnerable at being trusted with all of this information. It’s not a surprise to me anymore why Harry is so secretive and always refuses to answer specific questions. Yes, it probably irritates a lot of people but they cannot force him to essentially relive these horrible days that he had endured at a ridiculously young age. There are things that can never be forgiven, and this was one of these things.

“I couldn’t even take a bath or a shower or anything really. They needed to take forensic evidence to prove it because obviously this was going to court unless he pleaded guilty. Since he refused to do so, they carried tests out on me and asked me a lot of questions. Toddlers aren’t supposed to ever be questioned by police officers or court officials, but because it revolved around me this was not the case. I just felt drained, violated, and really fucking dirty afterwards. I can’t even explain what I felt like.”

I didn’t hesitate in pulling him in once again, hugging him tightly in the process to assure him that I wasn’t going anywhere and that he wasn’t scaring me away. I don’t honestly give a damn if we aren’t on the best of terms just now, he needs someone and he chose me. A few more tears sprung at my eyes as that horrible feeling of guilt reappeared but this time over something much more sinister. I’ve never had a relationship with my dad and I normally complained about it, yet here is Harry who has been through so much worse than I ever have. I could feel the slightly exposed part of my top beginning to get soaked with Harry’s tears, he was still shaking so much it was quite terrifying. I didn’t want him to lose himself and end up with an episode or a panic attack, so I stated;

“Harry, you don’t need to continue if you don’t want to.”

For a few seconds he didn’t do anything but eventually I felt him shaking his head in the negative. He pulled away a little bit once again so that his voice wouldn’t be muffled against me. He wasn’t going to repeat any of this so I needed to listen very carefully.

“Yes I do, Louis. You have to know everything.”

I didn’t do anything except lightly bite my bottom lip to stop myself from saying more. He’s willingly telling me all of this and I need to respect that. This is my only chance to get to know the real Harry, the side that very few people see.

“We moved in with a family friend for a month until the house got sold. It was quite obvious from the beginning that my mum was going to move us all far away from Holmes Chapel. Since it is such a small place, everyone knows everyone. She didn’t want either me or Marcel to be treated differently because of what had happened to us. So she put the money she got from there and from the divorce to a deposit on a house in London. We were in a really shitty area but it was cheap and we were far away from everything. All of the hustle and bustle helped massively because it meant there was always something going on, so we weren’t thinking much about what we had gone through.

“We slowly began to open back up but not like we did with each other, we weren’t ready to tell our mum how bad it actually was. We didn’t tell Gemma either because she still wasn’t even a teenager at the time. The next two years went by really quickly and it seemed like I was almost getting my life back in a sense, no longer needing to live in fear. MY mum had managed to save up quite a lot of money over a course of I’m guessing ten years and she sent in an application for each of us to attend a private school. She wanted the best for us and in her eyes, if she could afford it comfortably then why not go for it? 

“We took the entry test in which we needed specific requirements to be accepted onto the program. It was only Marcel who met those requirements even though it was just barely. He didn’t want to take the offer initially, but we ended up convincing him to go ahead and take the chance while it was there. After a few days he agreed, so he went to a private school whereas both myself and Gemma went to public school. They were only ten minutes away from each other so we were never exactly far apart. It was around this time that my mum first met Robin. She didn’t introduce him to us for quite a few months because she was worried we would freak out, but she needn’t have worried. Robin was lovely, treated our mum like she was just a priceless gemstone, treated the three of us like we were his own children. 

“Of course we were still struggling in a sense and we found ways in which we could vent without doing anything reckless. Marcel had always been very academic as was Gemma, so naturally they both submerged themselves in studying a lot. I was different however. I still got pretty good grades but compared to them it wasn’t anything special. I planned on actually going on to study law at university eventually but obviously that didn’t happen. I was a lot more creative than the two of them. I think I was eleven when I started writing and it was the Christmas before my birthday that I got my first guitar which as you know, I still have. I wrote a bit of everything; sheet music, lyrics, short stories, poems. Anything that could be written essentially I was writing.

“So it was only natural that I started singing as well in a sense. I didn’t take it seriously at the time obviously, only saw it as a hobby. This became another coping mechanism for me and actually seemed to be the most effective. About three more years passed by and during that time things really looked like they were getting better. Gemma was just finishing her A-Levels at the time whereas both myself and Marcel had one more year before we done our GCSE’s. I should have known, spotted the signs a long time before I did. Marcel started coming home with bruises which he hid quite easily from everyone except me considering we shared a bedroom. 

“I asked him to tell me what was happening but he refused to speak except that it had been happening for a while. I was angry that I was blinded in my own life bettering to not notice that my brother was being beaten often. He quickly reverted back in on himself similarly to how we both were when we still lived in Cheshire. I begged so much for him to tell someone about it but he was too scared to speak up on the matter so he just put up with it. I was extremely worried for him and for very good reasons, history was repeating itself in a sense and it was a harsh realisation for me that I would never be able to fully forget what had happened as much as I wanted to. 

“Then a few days after my fourteenth birthday, I had this feeling. I can’t even explain what this feeling was but I knew that something had happened, something bad. It was only half-way through my school day so I reasoned with myself that I could put whatever it was off for a couple of more hours. If only I hadn’t done that, Louis. I could have saved his life. On my way home, my mum text me to let me know that Marcel had not been in any of his classes after noon. I was confused with this as he never missed a class unless he absolutely had to, I just knew that something was seriously wrong. 

“I got home maybe around 4pm, I normally got in earlier but I missed my bus and had to walk instead. It was eerily quiet in the house, Louis. It wasn’t even that sort of silence when a house is empty- I can’t even explain what it was like. That horrible feeling had only intensified as well, so to try and calm myself down I went to get a drink from the fridge- only to see a note. I recognised my brothers handwriting immediately and I tore upstairs in search of him. He’d locked our bedroom door which in itself was a very weird thing for him to do- neither of us ever locked it. So I kicked at it, until it came undone from the hinges- and he was there.”

If I thought his sobs before saying this were heart-wrenching, then I admit to being wrong. This was what heart breaking sobs sounded like. I didn’t dare open my mouth to let him know that I already knew what had happened to his twin, I wanted to hear it solely from him. His grip was like steel in my palm, I wasn’t even aware that we had linked our hands together during all of this. I just seemed to be completely immersed in this disgusting tale to take notice of the world around me. Harry didn’t continue speaking for a few minutes but I knew that this was painful for him to speak about, extremely painful. I had respect that fact if I didn’t want to lose him forever.

“He was lying on the carpet which was stained with his blood. Long cuts in his arms oozing even more if that is possible. His face was chalk white from the blood loss. There was a kitchen knife next to him along with two bottles of medication. He tried and succeeded in committing suicide, Louis. He was already dead when I found him, I knew that because his body had seized up. I tried to give him CPR but it was no use, he’d lost too much blood. I had to call my mum myself after I called an ambulance, the whole time I was in hysterics. I couldn’t breathe from crying so much. Then Gemma got home and she also saw him lying there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a look so horrified in my life before that.

“The next couple of weeks were a huge blur to me, I wrote more furiously than I’d ever done in the past. Every single emotion and thought were being transmitted onto numerous pieces of paper. I poured out every feeling into song and my journal which I gave you. I was just empty, nothing more than that. It was at his funeral that we all completely broke down, we even buried him with his favourite book because it just felt right in that moment. Everything came crashing down for me, any kind of tragedy I had gone through before and had gotten over all bubbled over. I couldn’t help it, Louis. I was so scared and my mum and sister were even more scared as they watched me decline so much. 

“The only thing that stopped me from also ending my own life was this guilt of leaving my mum and sister. They’d already gone through it once; I couldn’t make them go through with that again. I was pretty much dead to the world anyway so I don’t know if it was any different. I barely ate, barely slept, refused to leave the house except to go to school. This was when I started suffering panic attacks and had my first ever episodes of depression. Obviously at the time I had no idea what was happening, I just knew that there was something wrong. I was diagnosed a few months after he died with clinical depression and I’ve been on medication for it ever since. I isolated myself from everyone and wrote even more. It was around this time that I really began to consider a career in music seriously. Even if it wasn’t singing, I would have been happy just simply being a songwriter. 

“Then Gemma got an award from school due to her outstanding grades. She’d gotten straight A’s and A*’s in her GCSE’s and her A-Levels. I still wouldn’t leave the house at this point for longer than a few minutes at a time so I congratulated her before she left to receive it along with my mum and Robin, telling her that we could just watch movies and eat a lot of junk food when she got back as celebration. But they didn’t come home. I knew they had gotten there because my mum had text me a picture of Gemma accepting her award. They were in Brighton to get it and I had just assumed that they had booked a hotel for the night. It was around noon the next day that I knew something wasn’t right and I was right to think so. A drunk driver had hit them at a roundabout and it was a huge wreck. Police had come to my door to tell me this and that was when I really lost everything, Louis.

“They’d died instantly which I’m glad about to be honest. I would rather them go without suffering rather than their pain being prolonged. About two months before this, things had gone really wrong within my family. I’d been open with my mum, Robin, Gemma, and Marcel about my sexuality for about a year but I didn’t come out to anyone else in my family. The reason for this being that they are all strictly Christian. For years they had been drumming it into everyone’s head that not being a heterosexual was a sin. I had to come clean though so we organised a family dinner and I just came out with it. To put it lightly, shit hit the roof and they all immediately disowned me as a member of the family.

“My mum dragged me out of there in pure disgust and we cut off all contact with anyone else in the family not long after this. So when they died, I had nowhere to go. I didn’t have any friends so I couldn’t stay there, I hadn’t sat my exams yet so I didn’t have any qualifications, because I didn’t have qualifications I couldn’t get a job, therefore I couldn’t afford the mortgage on the house. I had no choice but to pack up my necessities and leave for the streets. Homeless, at fifteen years old.”

The whole time, our intertwined hands never once loosened up. If anything they tightened to show just how much we trusted each other in this moment. All of the mixed emotions I was experiencing were messing with my head, that much was certain. I couldn’t leave though, I had to hear how all of this ended and how he had managed to get a record deal in amongst all of this shit. The slight resentment that I held towards him over not telling me was diminishing into nothing as were Harry’s walls crashing down to the ground to reveal his true self.

“I literally only had a suitcase full of clothes, a couple of pairs of shows, my guitar and all of my notepads and journals. I think I was on the streets for around ten months, it was roughly three months after my sixteenth birthday that I no longer was homeless. I survived by begging on the streets, and this was how I met Niall. He enjoys busking quite a lot and he had this spot close to where I was living at the time, at first it was only loose change but as he started to gain more recognition it was more. He’d buy me food, make sure I had enough to live on. This went on for about two months and he eventually realised that enough was enough and he took me to his house. His dad knew about me but he didn’t know how bad it actually was. He took one look at me and he was immediately on the phone to adoption centres. 

“Niall saved my life by doing that, I doubt if he hadn’t I would have been dead in a matter of days myself. I was just skin and bone, Louis- I’d only weight seven stone which for me being six-foot tall was very underweight. His dad got permission to adopt me and the paperwork was finalised a few days later. For a month I spent getting to a healthier weight again and once I had, I finally opened up to everything that had happened to me and how I had come to be homeless in the first place at such a young age. A part of me expecting just to be rejected by them for it all but they just told me that I was now a part of the family and I wasn’t going anywhere. 

“This feeling of being wanted was what caused me to snap out of my reclusive shell around them and I started playing guitar again, writing a lot once more, singing a lot. Whether it was just pot luck or not, Niall’s dad happened to know Simon Cowell rather well. Both Niall and I were sitting in his bedroom, probably singing an Oasis song or something and Simon happened to walk passed us when he was over one afternoon. He just stopped in his tracks and told us both that we had great potential which was a massive confidence boost for me. 

“A few more weeks passed, it now being November. Simon started to come around multiple times per week and he pulled me aside one of these days to tell me that he wanted me to consider signing a record deal. I was shocked for obvious reasons, it was really the only thing I’d ever considered doing in my life and here I was finally being given that opportunity. I just told him that I was think about it even though I’d made my mind up in seconds. Instead, I took Simon upstairs to show him my song collection which I think by around this point was nearing eight hundred.”

Now, my eyes almost burst out of their sockets. Eight hundred? How much did he fucking write on a daily basis over the years to have written that many songs?

“I know, it’s a shocking number Louis. It was how I coped with everything though. Simon was very impressed to put it lightly and a few days later I called him to tell him that I wanted to sign a deal. At first I just considered doing a one album contract but he believed in me and put me onto a five album contract instead. Obviously I was then being jetted around the world to record music and I took Niall along with me whenever I could. It was the least I could do for him. He also wants to go into a career involving music but he wants to get a degree first so if it doesn’t work out like it did with me he’ll have something really good to fall back on. 

“Anyway, everything worked out really well for me. People were actually genuinely interested in my music and I gained a lot of credibility in the industry. I still wrote a lot but nowhere near as much as I used to. My first two singles went top five and my album went number one in the first week of sales. I’d gotten my dream job, I had a family who actually cared for me, I wasn’t homeless anymore, and I earned an awful lot of money that I don’t really need to be honest. Over the last year though, almost like a switch had been flicked, the depression came back in full force. It never went away but I could manage it without much of a struggle. Panic attacks became more frequent and it was getting more difficult to hide everything from everyone around me.

“Then Simon proposed the idea of me doing some kind of documentary focused on bullying. By this point I had told him everything as well along with Niall’s brother who still lives in Ireland. No one else knew what had happened to me which until this point was easy to keep hidden. I started going to counselling often and I was given the idea of doing the bullying documentary but with me being my brother to show what it was really like. It’s fucked up, but for all the years after he died I had blamed myself for it even though I couldn’t have done anything. My counsellor suspected that if I witnessed what he was going through I would understand his thought process more that led to him ending his own life.

“So I told Simon this and he asked me how long it should be filmed for and how long it should be filmed for. I told him a few weeks, two months maximum but I was going to stay and actually get qualifications in case my career suddenly stopped. As weird as the idea was though, it worked. I wasn’t having panic attacks so often anymore and I once again got myself to a medium of sorts in which I could somewhat control my mentality. Raising awareness to bullying was what I needed to do and it was such a relief to do it. It’s not taken seriously enough at all and someone needed to speak up on the matter from personal experiences. After all, it was bullying that led to Marcel finally cracking for good and that brings it to now.”

As he finished off his tale, he wasn’t crying anywhere near as much as he had been previously. I could see that he was extremely relieved to have finally trusted me with everything. It must have been ridiculously difficult for him to hide what was really going on around me and I also now fully understood why Niall was so protective of him. Everyone who really should care for Harry had torn him up into numerous tiny pieces that had never been put back together. This didn’t mean I liked him more because I didn’t, but I certainly respected him a lot more than I did previously. The filming part had caught me off guard and a question formed in my mind;

“What about everyone who says things? Are they being left in or edited out?”

He laughed a little bit at this and shook his head fondly. 

“Everyone who has been filmed who were not aware of what was going on are going to remain anonymous and their voices will be distorted. So nobody needs to worry about being exposed for their horrible treatment to some people.”

At this, I let out a small sigh of relief. Hearing that had definitely took away the slight wariness I had towards all of this. It went quiet for a few more minutes and I took notice of Harry’s fingertips tracing the names on the stone. I snapped out of my thoughts, I had completely forgotten that we were sitting in a graveyard the whole time that he was telling me the majority of this. I gave him a small smile but this almost immediately switched to an extremely embarrassed facial expression when a rumble broke the silence between us. It took Harry approximately half of a second before he burst into hysterical laughter at my expense. I frowned at him but I couldn’t hide that the sound of his laughter made me feel really giddy on the inside. He shook his head again and managed to calm down but his shaking shoulders told me that he was desperate to laugh still;

“Come on then, I’ll take you home so that you can satisfy your stomach.”

I scowled jokingly at him and this sent him off into another round of laughter. I ended up cracking a smile despite being annoyed with him for making fun of me being really hungry. I hadn’t eaten any dinner and it was really late now. The frosty air biting into my skin more than it had when we first entered. I followed Harry out of the maze of large stones until we were out of the rusted old gate once more, jumping into his car in the process. I sighed in contentment as the heat that had been building up inside enveloped me in a tight embrace. Harry was just looking down to his clasped palms once more on his lap, seemingly in deep thought.

“Do you understand now Louis why I didn’t tell you all of this?”

I could do nothing but nod. I wasn’t going to lie at all because I did. I now knew exactly where he stood and what exactly it was that caused him to be the way that he is now. He’s stuck like this for the rest of his life and I knew now that Harry was always going to be a staple figure for the rest of mine. I reached my hand out to grab his and gently run my thumb over his knuckles to try and calm him down a little bit before anything else.

“Do you forgive me for not telling you?”

Despite him putting on a very brave face right now, it was his eyes that betrayed him once again. I could tell that he was very frightened of my response, fear of him scaring me away with everything. This couldn’t be further from the truth though because I only became more protective over him for finally being honest with me. He’d said it quietly, his gaze shifting to his lap once more as I thought over everything carefully. I was still rather annoyed that he waited this long to tell me. I pictured myself in his shoes though and I knew that if I had gone through all of that, the last thing I would want to do would be to tell someone. Even if it was someone I trusted with all of my wellbeing. His gaze shifted up once again and that was all I needed for me to come to a decision;

“Yes. I forgive you, Harry.”

He sighed loudly out of relief after this. I knew that it was extremely difficult for him to think about because I know that he doesn’t want us to lose what we have with each other either. We’re nowhere near done with this talk with each other that was for certain. It was only the worst part that we had completed, we still had what was going to happen with his relationship wise that we still had to come to a mutual decision on. We just stared at one another and as each second passed I remembered why I had fallen for Harry in the way that I had, all of these feelings running through my veins once again and before I knew it, we were leaning forward slightly. We got interrupted however my another loud rumble just as our lips touched and we pulled away almost instantly once again as his cheeks immediately reddened. I took the opportunity now to laugh at him in response to him laughing at my own stomach making the same noise. 

“I would kiss you Louis but I think it’s pretty apparent that our stomachs are not allowing that.”

I laughed a little more as he said this. He drove away from the kerb once again and back into the slightly shady area of London that we were currently in but I kept my mouth shut on this observation. As Harry had touched on briefly, the bad areas are a lot more affordable than the better areas. He never once broke concentration on the road on our journey despite him being well aware of me staring at him right now. One of his hands was gripped around the gearstick and he was using his other to steer. After a few minutes had passed, he asked me if I was going to go over to his or if I was going home to my own place. I told him his and he seemed to realise the underlying message in my words.

“Have you tried talking to her about how you really feel, Louis?”

He turned his head to me for a split second before staring straight ahead once more. 

“I have but she just won’t listen no matter what.”

He nodded a little bit in acceptance at this. I knew that he wanted to prod further but he wasn’t going to do that. We’ve each learned certain boundaries with each other in which we will not ask questions about unless the information is willingly given. It’s a strategy that has worked well for the two of us since we both realised that there are parts of our lives neither likes to openly talk about. The drive on the way back seemed to take a lot less time than the drive to get to the graveyard and seemingly in the blink of an eye, we were outside the flat complex. We both looked at each other and with a slight competitive smirk we tore up the stairs to see who would get there the fastest. I grunted in annoyance because Harry quickly bet me and he found my annoyed state extremely amusing. It was nice to see this side of Harry again after today and it made me realise something. Because he trusts me so much, I was willingly helping him out even when I didn’t know that I was doing anything. Since it was really late, there wasn’t any use in cooking so he asked me what kind of pizza I would like. 

He didn’t even need to ask me that question because he knew that my favourite kind of pizza was pepperoni despite it being a more regular pizza. To me, if something tasted good then I didn’t give a damn what was in it or on it. I now noticed what appeared to be a large book of some kind and I frowned in confusion. I walked over to it and flipped a few pages in but I shut it almost immediately at realising it was a photo album and not a book like I had first assumed. I’d only caught a glimpse of one picture and it easily had the two brothers in it because I could recognise that curly hair from anywhere.

I snapped my hand away and looked around the room so that I didn’t look that suspicious because I didn’t want Harry to know that I had seen that. Eventually I just sat down on the couch and despite wanting to look through the pictures I knew that I couldn’t do that. That would just be a major breech of Harry’s privacy. If he wants to show me them, then he will show me them. I pulled my phone out and played a couple of stupid games for a bit until I felt the other side of the couch dip to let me know that Harry had also sat down. I turned to look at him and immediately frowned in concern at seeing the same facial expression on his face as he was wearing as he was telling me everything. I reached over and pulled him in for a tight hug and he let out a shaky breath. It took him roughly a minute to calm down enough to speak without the worry of crying spontaneously.

“I was so sure you were going to run away when I told you everything, Louis.”

He spoke quietly, and it told me just how much these thoughts were hurting him. I reached over and tilted his chin so that he had no choice but to look me in the eye.

“Harry, I should have let you explain last week. I shouldn’t have gone snooping. I’m the one at wrong-”

“No it’s not, Louis. If anyone is at fault here, it is me. What kind of a boyfriend was I to you? I didn’t tell you anything regarding my childhood. You had every right to go snooping.”

I didn’t want to admit it, but he was right as always. We were both wrong in certain accusations and with keeping secrets but that is now just a thing of the past. We can move on from this and maybe we do have a chance of being a couple again. Of course if that does happen we’re going to be extremely cautious around one another but at least that is something that we will both be experiencing and will be able to fully understand. What I didn’t understand was why he seemed almost scared of the idea of me leaving so I asked him why. Once again, he held his head low and breaking our eye contact in the process.

“I’ve lost far too many people in my life that I love, Louis. They are all either dead or they abandoned me when I needed them the most. I don’t think I would be able to handle it if I lost you or Niall for that matter. You two are really all I’ve got left. I can’t lose someone else I love, Louis. I just can’t.”

This was when the tears came, only a couple but they were still there. It was difficult to see him this emotional; I’ve never seen him like this. For years he’s been hiding behind a mask when really he is nothing but a shell filled with millions of shattered pieces. We were both brought out of our thoughts when the familiar buzzing noise echoed which told us the pizza was here. Harry got up and went to collect it, my eyes wandering to that photo album when he was no longer in my line of vision. Should I ask him? I didn’t think much into it because he had soon yelled that the food was here. At this, I felt my stomach rumble uncomfortably once again as I got off of the couch and walked into the kitchen. We both sat down across from one another, neither of us looking up at the other. We were both just too deep in thought I guess. Within minutes the pizza had been devoured and I sighed in contentment. 

He made a small quip which was clearly an attempt at a joke but it backfired massively because it made no sense whatsoever. I don’t even know why he bothers in trying to make jokes because he knows that they’re all shit. I played along with it though like I always did even though he could definitely see right through the façade. Since I wasn’t doing anything tomorrow, I asked him if he wanted to hang out but he tilted his head sadly and told me he was recording the entire weekend. I was a bit disheartened by this fact but I didn’t let this on, it was Harry’s job after all and I wasn’t going to get in the way of that. I felt his fingers lace with mine across the table, the two of us now looking directly at each other.

“What are we Louis? I mean, are we just friends now or are we together?”

He asked the question rather timidly. I arched my eyebrow quizzically but then I thought more into it and I saw exactly where it was he was coming from. I could see him biting his lip out of nerves at what I was going to say. I sighed and took a few minutes to myself to really think this over. Harry took the hint and let me sit in silence as I thought carefully. I’d already forgiven him and no matter how hard I may try I still do have extremely strong feelings for him. This was all that I needed to come to a conclusion.

“Let’s try one more time.”

A large grin took up his face when I said this but this disappeared when he took in my serious expression. I don’t want to prod any further into it but I need to be able to fully trust him before we give our relationship a go again. I tightened my lips into a line and broke eye contact for a couple of seconds which I soon returned.

“Harry, I need you to be completely honest with me if we are going to try and make this work.”

He looked up and stared me right in my eyes, I could actually see all of the emotions that were passing through him currently and this was enough to tell me that there was indeed something else that he was trying to keep hidden from me. I probably seem really harsh right now but we’ve known each other for almost a year and dated for eight months, I think I deserve to have everything explained once and for all. I spoke his name softly once more and it seemed to snap him out of his momentary daze and he immediately dropped his head down to look at his hands which I assumed were clasped on his lap.

“You’re not going to like it one bit, Louis. You need to promise me that you won’t run from me or something else- “

He didn’t finish with whatever it was he was saying before I had jumped in, leaning over the table to look at him closer to show him how sincere I was over this.

“Harry, I won’t break you. I’ll do anything to make sure that doesn’t happen- “

“It’s already happened, Louis. I’m far passed broken by now. I have been for a very long time now.”

I reached my arm out now and gently squeezed his bicep, smiling at him to encourage him. Surely whatever it was that he wanted to tell me couldn’t be any worse than what he had told me in the graveyard? I could still feel the sick that was desperate to escape me as I thought about everything.

“Then let me help you in picking up this broken pieces and putting them back together, Harry.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, biting his lip in an attempt to hold his tears in. I completely understood why he was taking so long and I knew that I had to let him tell me of his own accord. He would never forgive me if I attempted to force it out of him. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I done that. Once again, he dropped his gaze and seemed to be doing something underneath the table out of my line of vision.

“Louis, please don’t think I’m some kind of freak after I tell you this. In fact, I’m not going to tell you- I’m going to show you. It will be a lot easier for me to do so.”

I was about to prof further when he suddenly put both of his arms on the desk, the insides of them turned upwards. At first, I looked at him confused but he only nodded to his exposed arms as if the answers would be there. I frowned a bit but looked anyway. Right then, that sick feeling returned only a hundred times stronger than it had been previously. They were visible, barely but they were there. Pale white lines covering his skin and all different shades from the next. Harry cuts himself. I could feel my heart beating more than it had been previously as I took in the sight. Not at one point during this did I consider Harry reverting to self-harm. 

A few more moments passed before Harry finally rolled his sleeves down and proceeded to stand up. I gave him a confused look but then I remembered that it was definitely ridiculously early in the morning and he had to wake up early to record. I was still a bit down at not being able to spend the day with him but this quickly changed when he asked me to come along with him and that we could do something after he was finished. 

At this, I smiled and nodded to let him know that I would come along. We both walked into his bedroom, neither of us bothering to change into pyjamas as we got under the covers. It probably would have been a better idea for me to sleep on the couch but I know that Harry needs someone right now. He curled up into me as I wrapped my arm around his waist to hold him close. Within a few seconds he had fallen asleep but I was finding it difficult to do so. I only had images of a much younger Harry being beaten and raped repeating in my head which was rather disturbing to say the least. Despite this, I soon felt my eyelids get heavy. I felt a light shake on my shoulders, I groaned rolling over only to fall out and hit the carpeted floor (probably receiving a burn in the process). I instantly heard a loud booming laugh emanate from Harry at my misfortune. I glared at him for a second before grinning with him. I got up, rubbing my side a little as it stung badly from landing in the way that I had. 

“How long have you been awake for? And couldn’t you have woken me up a bit nicer?”

He chuckled again and despite being desperate to glare at him I couldn’t do that. Not with the very amused look that he had on his face right now.

“I’ve been awake for roughly thirty minutes. And to answer your second question, I tried to wake you up at the same time but you slept through the alarm and from me calling your name.”

I glared at him for a second but a grin pulled on my lips because I couldn’t be mad at him for his harmless teasing. I couldn’t even deny it because when I’m in a really deep sleep then nothing can wake me up unless it is a physical touch. I realised now that I didn’t have clothes but Harry was already a step ahead and pointed to his chest of drawers where some jeans and a top I had left beforehand were sitting. I smiled at him and proceeded to get dressed whilst he got ready for his studio session. It didn’t take me too long to get ready today considering my hair actually looked good for once without doing anything to it (which happened maybe once a year). I walked out and met Harry in the hall; he had a bag slung over his shoulder. Inside of the bag I could see the photo album clearly but I bit my tongue and didn’t ask about it. I didn’t want him to know that I had seen what was in it even if it was only briefly. 

We both left after this and we were meted with a Mercedes van once again. Chris wasn’t anywhere to be seen but that was probably a good thing because it meant a lot less teasing over us relationship wise. There was still a part of me that was wary about being back together with Harry but I had to trust my gut instinct on this and that was to trust him. There was a barrier up between us and the driver (whose name I still did not know) so we had privacy. Harry turned to face me and gave my hand a tight squeeze.

“Thank you, for staying that is. Even though you now know everything you’re still deciding to stay with me. I can’t thank you enough for that, Louis.”

This was all that it took before our hormones kicked in. We both leaned in at the same time allowing our lips to connect. During the week that we had split up I was so angry but it was only now that I realised just how much I missed the feeling of his lips. We broke apart for a few seconds to catch our breaths before kissing with even more ferocity. I felt his tongue run along my bottom lip; I opened up to allow him entrance. I let out a short moan at the feel of his tongue in my mouth. We were rudely interrupted however when the driver opened up the small panel and said;

“Sorry to break you two love birds up, but we’re here.”

We both gave him a sheepish smile which was really hiding our embarrassment. We really need to stop getting lost in each other like that- especially when there were other people around us. We both got out of the car, immediately hiding our faces from all of the blinding cameras from paparazzi. We both took hold of each other’s hands before walking right inside the building. Once all of the clicking of the cameras disappeared, I was startled at how quiet it was in here. Harry took hold of my hand and led me through the winding corridors and up a few floors until walking into a room. I felt my jaw drop open wide in amazement as I took in the place. The room was dimply lit yet it had a homely feel to it. There was a small room adjoining which was where I’m guessing is where the recordings take place. All of the machines that were used for producing were scattered all around. There was glass panelling just above which allowed us to see into the next room. On top of all that, there were multiple instruments strewn all over the place.

“I take it you like?”

I snapped out of my reverie and looked at Harry once more. He gave me another large grin before sitting down on one of the leather chairs and I took the cue to sit down as well. I may as well get comfortably considering we are going to be here for a while. I checked the time and asked Harry when it was that he was starting to which he replied in ten minutes. That meant we had a few minutes to talk over whatever. Harry sighed a little and I watched as he removed the photo album from his bag and passed it over to me. I knew now that he had realised I had saw at least one of them. I stared down at it in a mixture of curiosity and morbid fascination. I wanted to see them but I didn’t want to look at them if a lot of people in these pictures were dead. I knew that they were probably of his mum, stepdad, brother, and sister. 

He must have noticed my hesitation because he gave me a reassuring look which told me that he wanted me to see these. He wanted me to see what his life was like instead of simply hearing what his life was like. Hastily, I opened it up and there they were- still images of a much younger Harry. I flipped through all of them and memorised the faces of some of the people in it. It was easy for me to recognise his sister because the only difference she had was that her hair was much longer and her face was slightly rounder. Apart from that she could easily pass as a twin to him they looked so similar. Their smiled were exactly the same, teeth showing slightly and dimples indenting deep which caused the corners of their eyes to crinkle as well. I stopped when one picture caught my eye, it was the one I’d caught a very brief glance of last night. Both twins were standing at opposite ends; both had their hair all curly. Gemma was stood between them and at the time she had blonde hair, and another woman who was older than them all. 

“Is this?”

I didn’t even need to continue with asking my question because he knew exactly what I was asking him. He took a shaky breath and nodded to confirm that the mystery woman was indeed no other than his mum. I lightly traced my finger over the small photograph, finding it difficult in coming to terms that three people in it were dead. Even though I had literally been at their grave last night, it still didn’t seem real to me. I don’t know what it was about this one in particular that fascinated me so much though.

“This was the last ever picture we took as a family. It was taken a week before Marcel- “

He cut himself off sharply and breathed deeply. I gave him a reassuring smile before letting my eyes dart down to the picture once again, biting the inside of my lip. I could tell the twins apart as one was wearing glasses- this was clearly Marcel. I scanned his facial features but nothing seemed strange. I guess that like Harry he had mastered the art of hiding all of his emotions. I was finding it difficult that the boy in this who looked so cheery and such a nice guy was planning his own death and would carry it out in a measly seven days after this was taken. I looked at Harry in the picture; he hadn’t changed all that much physically but it was the smile that he wore. His smile here looked genuine. Harry had taken the photo album from me now and stared at the pictures with a strange look in his eye before putting it back in his bag again. I raised my hand shakily before grazing my fingertips across his cheek gently.

“It was so unexpected, Louis. You can see now that he seemed genuinely happy, he wanted this. I know that I’ve bugged for you to mend your relationships with estranged family members but you need to understand. I just don’t want you to go through what I have gone through. I know that you’ve not gone through domestic violence or been raped like I was but you do have siblings and family troubles. Don’t make the same mistakes that I made, Louis. Don’t take your family for granted. I did and now I haven’t got one. You won’t realise how precious family is until you lose them for good.”

A door opening silenced Harry in his speech and I looked up to see Julian. The producer gave me a welcoming smile and let Harry know that the booth was ready for him. Harry reached into his bag again and removed a few pieces of paper which I assumed had lyrics on them. I gave Harry a good luck gesture as he walked into the adjoining room. As I had already guessed, the door led to the room opposite the glass panelling. I let out a small snort of amusement when he struggled to put the headphones on and Julian also seemed to find it funny too.

The older man then proceeded to sit down in the now unoccupied chair and leaned forward to press buttons and spinning dials that I would never understand. It just all looked exactly the same to me but he seemed to understand exactly what it all was. A few hours had passed since then and we had made small talk in amongst everything but it was nice. I never one tore my gaze away from the glass panelling as I watched Harry. His eyes were closed whilst he sang into the microphone completely lost in his own little world. I know that some people say that they get lost in music, but the way that Harry practically forced himself to write all of his troubles onto paper and then sing them was something else entirely. I know that we may be taking it fast now considering we’ve only been official again for less than a day, but it really didn’t seem that. I saw him different to how I used to. I used to admire how he always knew what to do but now the only thing I admired about him was how strong he actually is. If I had lost my parents and all of my siblings, I honestly have no idea what I would do.


	33. Thirty-Two.

The next few days I spent at Harry's flat. When I first thought we may have been moving quickly the second attempt at our relationship I stopped to think about everything deeply. It may have only been a week we had separated for, but it truthfully felt like one of the longest weeks I've ever had. It hurt not being able to see Harry whilst my own home life was going into complete and utter turmoil. I had tried to get through to my mum but she either wasn't listening or she just didn't want to stop and was ignoring me. As horrible as it was though, I honestly think it was the latter.

I know exactly where she is coming from of course reasoning wise, but it was still no excuse. People were beginning to notice it because anyone who walked into the house could smell the booze. At least the girls had all decided to spend a couple of weeks with our stepdad so they weren't aware of how bad it had gotten. The oldest two obviously know that the alcohol problem was spiralling completely out of control but the twins aren't stupid. They may only be nine years old but they know that something is a bit off. At least I know that I have someone who semi understands everything.

I was obviously incredibly grateful of everything my mum had done for me, but I still couldn't deny the hurt I felt when she was pushing me away. That feeling of hurt though I knew could be a hell of a lot worse. Harry was the perfect example of this. Yes, the roles were switched but it was more saddening for him. Harry couldn't get himself to open up to his own family apart from his brother after being abused in such truly vile ways. When Marcel died, he pushed everyone away and was then diagnosed as clinically depressed. It obviously hurt his mum and his sister a lot that he wouldn't let either of them in to his thoughts. He regrets it, and he cannot tell them because they are both buried six feet under. I think this was the reason why I wasn't as angry with her as I should be.

"Are you ok?"

I spun around in my spot to see Harry giving me a weary look. He wasn't stupid though, he knew fine well what I was thinking about. I just shook my head in the negative because I'm not ok. Had it really only been five days since I had gotten back together with Harry? I hadn't even told anyone we were back together yet because I know that it will be wrong for me to tell people of Harry's past. It is something he would need to tell people himself. I don't even know much about this whole filming thing. Was it going to be a full on film explaining everything or was it going to be a documentary?

He didn't ask any more questions but he did sit down next to me and gently squeeze my hand in reassurance. I turned to look at his face and gave him a weak smile. I know if I told people that we were back together they would think I forgave him too easily. I honestly think that if I wasn't going through my own home problems currently, I wouldn't have been able to see it from his point of view and I would have told him to leave and not come back. It may have only been a few days but we now had this mental connection between us and I think it can only get better from here. He rubbed my shoulder softly and said barely above a whisper;

"It will get better, love. It may not seem it, but it will. Just don't give up and push everyone away because you will severely regret doing that."

I glanced at him again and I saw that his lips were tightened in a thin line. I know he doesn't like talking about what happened to him but we now have more morbid things in common with one another and it was hard to not compare our lives. I furrowed my brows when I realised something else- Harry's slightly odd behaviour on my birthday. I had caught him giving my youngest sisters a strange look and not too long after he said that he got a bit overwhelmed. I froze in realisation. My youngest sisters are identical twins, and Harry is (was?) an identical twin. It must have been hard for him to look at the two of them and not think of his own deceased brother. I didn't think for very long because I felt Harry's fingers rest underneath my chin and I didn't hesitate to turn my face to let our lips connect. We didn't even try to pull away, allowing the tender touch of the soft skin to explore one another.

We mixed up our pace- starting slow, then moving faster and moving slow once again. He pulled away to take a deep breath and I seized my chance to softly slide my tongue into his mouth- causing him to moan gingerly. A small shiver shuddered through me at the sound as he manoeuvred his tongue to meet mine to battle for dominance. I felt his lips upturn at the sides in a grin when my own joined his again. I let out a short hum of appreciation whilst moving my hand up to the back of his head to tangle my fingers into his wild hair. He grunted softly at the action before leaning back ever so slightly so I was on top of him. 

We stayed in the same position for a few minutes before I hesitantly slipped my hand up his shirt to feel his bare chest underneath and his slight muscles. I pulled away to look at his face to silently ask for permission. He bit his lip and nodded softly. I took my time unbuttoning his shirt, not even sure if I wanted to see underneath because he obviously had bruises from all of the bullying he was subjecting himself to in order to raise awareness of the after effects. I think he realised why I was so hesitant because he unbuttoned the last few and slid his shirt off.

I actually felt like crying at what I saw. I knew there were going to be quite a few but I wasn't expecting them to quite literally cover his entire torso. I could only see a couple of areas of his milky white skin and I really don't know how to feel about it. I am very proud of him obviously but that doesn't change the sickening feeling I have in the bottom of my stomach. I should have expected it to be bad, but for some reason the thought just never settled right in my head.

"Oh, Harry."

I barely whispered it as my fingers trailed over all the bruised skin. I caught sight of his many tattoos but I couldn't even focus on them to see what they were. He took a deep breath before quietly muttering;

"I blamed myself for so long for what happened Louis, I felt like I needed to be punished in some way. It's fucked up, I know but it was how I felt for all these years that I've kept this to myself for."

I heard his slight sniffle which caused me to snap my head up and look at him in the eye. He averted his gaze but I caught hold of his chin and turned his head to face me again. He was biting his lip tightly and a few silent tears fell down his cheeks. I genuinely wasn't sure what to do in this situation because this is new to me still so I just simply ran my fingers tenderly over his skin. I let out a short gasp when he gently nibbled on my bottom lip which only caused us to lean in for another deep kiss. I continued to run my fingertips over the discoloured skin, being careful not to apply pressure because I didn't want to hurt him. It was messed up how he thought about everything though; at least he knew it though. It wasn't his fault that Marcel pushed him away probably when they needed each other the most. It isn't Harry's fault that Marcel ended it the way he did.

For the next hour we both sat in a spooning position, Harry still topless whilst I softly caressed his bare chest. I had finally managed to force myself to see underneath or on top of the bruises to see his numerous tattoos. I knew he had a lot already- but I really didn't think he had as much as he did. He told me he was working on a sleeve for his left arm but he wanted to keep his right relatively bare. I felt sad when he explained the reasoning for this though.

"My brother and I said when we were younger that we would get sleeve tattoos which would be filled with little memories that we didn't want to forget. We were going to get them on opposite arms so that when we stood next to each other we were like mirror images in a sense."

The dedication of that was honestly a beautiful thing. There is no other word to describe it. I had long since shed my own top and Harry's warm back was pressed against my front whilst I hugged him from behind. I didn't want to move from this position. I didn't really want to move despite the fact that I was beginning to get a serious cramp in my leg which I know is going to irritate me any second. I shuffled a little but almost instantly regretted it when pain shot up the limb in question. I heard Harry chuckle lightly beside me and I seized my chance to start tickling him all over in revenge for laughing at my pain. Within seconds he was laughing hysterically and I couldn't help but laugh with him.

We only stopped when we both rolled over and fell off of the couch we were previously cuddling on. He looked up at me with watery eyes and his dimples were indented insanely deep into his cheeks. My own face was beginning to ache from laughing and smiling so much- it felt so good to do so considering the last few days have been pretty shit. I had only gone home once but I left not long after once I noticed my mum was passed out on the floor. I had moved her into the recovery position so it would be impossible for her to choke on her own vomit and I was silently glad that the girls were staying at our dads for another week. I shook my head lightly to rid myself of my thoughts but I didn't need to because Harry had already leaned over to kiss me again.

He had been recording the last few days quite often but I had tagged along with him. I would be lying to myself though if I said I understood half of the multiple different areas which need to be finished to complete a song. I always thought beforehand that you would just have to sing the song and produce the music. It turns out there is a heck of a lot more to it. Backing vocals, layered vocals, echoing vocals, production, mixing and I don't even know what else because by this point I had completely zoned out. Only once had Harry shut himself away in his small studio in his flat but he had come out about an hour later with three new songs. It did baffle me how quickly the guy can come up with lyrics. He had told me that he never spends more than two hours on the one song as far as lyrics are concerned.

I accepted Harry's kiss obviously but this time I wasn't letting him dominate me despite him being nearly four inches taller than I. I was a bit disappointed when he just accepted it and leaned back onto the carpet to let me lean over him. We were in a rather questionable position but I quite honestly didn't and couldn't give a single fuck. I moved my head slightly to sponge soft kisses against his jawline, causing him to let out a long pleasured moan. I smiled lightly before applying pressure on his sweet spot and I could hear him panting underneath me. I let out a sharp breath at a pressure hitting my stomach; I already knew that Harry was getting rather worked up. With this thought I moved away because I didn't want to push him or move too quickly but he grabbed my face and whispered softly;

"Please make me feel good, Lou."

Just the way he said that turned me on majorly and I think it was rather noticeable because I could feel the restraints of my jeans from the very tight fabric. I was a bit nervous because for one I hadn't been in an intimate relationship for nearly two years and Harry never had- well not of his own accord. I shivered simply at the thought of what had happened to my boyfriend at such a young age. We were both still topless from earlier so the only thing that was separating us was our skinny jeans. I looked at Harry for a silent confirmation that he was alright with this and from the tiny nod he gave me was all I needed. My hands shook a little out of nerves whilst I unbuttoned the tight black fabric and pulled the zip down. I could already see his noticeable bulge in his slightly exposed boxers which caused me to gulp loudly. Today was the first time I had ever seen Harry topless yet now we were going to be seeing each other completely naked.

I gulped lightly and pulled his jeans down, him shimmying slightly so that they would slide off easier. My eyes trailed up his very long slender legs, taking in the tiny muscles there and I was surprised that he had no tattoos littering the skin. He had a quote on the front of his ankle and what looked like screws on his feet but I wasn't paying too much attention to the needle driven ink. I brushed my fingers gently over the soft skin and I could feel Harry's large hands loosen my own jeans. I wasn't too self-conscious about being naked in front of him because he already has seen me- even if that was from an extremely awkward shower situation. I chuckled at the rather funny memory that occurred when we were still only friends and not a couple. I could feel how hard he was against my chest when he rolled onto his side to look me in the face. I took hold of his cheek and asked;

"Are you sure?"

He nodded lightly which was all I needed to move on. I leaned in to allow our lips to join once more whilst I very slowly trailed my hand down his chest between his slightly pronounced abs. We both took a deep breath of anticipation before I placed my hand over his pronounced groin. He gasped loud at the contact even though there was still a thin layer of cloth creating a barrier between us. I didn't want to rush it; I would much rather it be really special. I rubbed lightly and I felt him grow harder under my touch, my own body reacting to the movement. After a couple of minutes of gentle strokes, I slowly dipped my fingers into the waistband of his boxers causing his breath to hitch in his throat.

I let out a shaky breath when I felt my fingertips brush gingerly over the very swollen area. I was shocked at just how large he was; I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't this. I softly let my palm envelop him whilst we continued to snog even though we were now moving rather sloppily with each other. I froze when I felt Harry repeat my actions against me, my heartbeat now at an insanely quick pace. We were pressed chest to chest and I could feel his heart hammering away inside the contained space of his rib cage. At least I'm not alone then. I wasn't sure if he was nervous or if he was just really excited- maybe he was a bit of both. I had to keep reminding myself that this is Harry's first real intimate moment he has shared with someone despite him being nineteen.

I smiled against his lips and opened up more to allow him to slip his tongue into my mouth. I continued to softly stroke my fingertips against his hard cock and he followed my movements. Each time his fingers ran up me, a small shiver wracked through my body. I rolled him over onto his back now and pulled away from the kiss and gave him a look again, silently asking him if he wants to stop or continue. Once again he nodded and I slowly removed his boxers so that I could free his length which almost immediately slapped against my stomach. A thin sheen of sweat was covering both of our bodies now and Harry's face was a little bit red- not to mention the fact his lips were swelling up from all of our kissing.

Once I had completely removed the thin fabric I slowly gripped his base and ran my hand up to the very tip. His hips jutted up slightly in response which was enough to tell me he was enjoying this. I could feel his fingers still toying with me so I removed my own boxers. We still didn't break eye contact, his electric green eyes staring deep into my soul as we pleased one another. Harry was more inexperienced in the whole thing but I was more than happy to be patient with him as we slowly wrecked each other. I tightened my grip ever so slightly which caused him to gasp and lull his head back as a long moan escaped his parted lips. I shut my eyes at the feeling of Harry's hand working me in a similar fashion.

We were taking it very slow with one another but I was actually pleased because truthfully I don't want him to stop touching me any time soon. My stomach was beginning to knot uncomfortably so I pulled my body away from Harry. He pouted a little at the loss of contact but he seemed to understand why I pulled away. 

I continued to stare directly at him to make sure that he really was ok with us doing this. As much as I want to do something other than kissing, I was not going to push him. He needs to be completely comfortable because otherwise it is not going to end well in the slightest. I’d much rather this go organically and just completely natural, not forced in any way. Even if it isn’t forced because he is asking me to do something else. Soft moans were falling from his lips and his eyes were occasionally rolling back which told me that he was perfectly fine with all of this. Despite knowing this, the lingering fear of accidentally doing something that might cause him to revert back. I don’t want to be back at square one with Harry and trying to get him to trust and open up to me again. 

I shook my head side to side because I didn’t want to think about all of that- especially not at this moment. Harry opened his eyes now and stared up at me, a small smile playing on his lips. I knew that he was waiting on me to make the next move but I was still debating silently with myself over everything. He seemed to realise why I was hesitant and he gently squeezed my wrist in reassurance. I wasn’t even aware of when he had removed his own hand from me. He frowned a little bit but I eventually gulped deeply and leaned down to kiss him deeply for a few seconds. 

I pulled away after and just stared deep into that deep forest green shade, silently searching for any resistance on Harry behalf. When I was confident to there being none at all, I squeezed his wrist gently as well to let him know. Nerves were rushing through my veins at a seemingly impossible rate but strangely enough they were good nerves. Any time I’ve gotten nervous ever since I’ve known Harry it was over something horrendous but now things had changed. All secrets had been spilled between us and now there was nothing for us to seemingly walk over eggshells about. Of course I couldn’t just openly speak about certain things with him but that is fine by me, I’m sure there are things he doesn’t want to openly speak about either concerning me.

My heart was pounding in my chest and I decided to slowly ease him into it. So once again I gently gripped a hold of the base and run my palm slowly until I reached the tip and letting the pad of my thumb massage the area softly. Harry let out another soft moan and his hips began to move in sync with my palm once more which told me that he was definitely enjoying this. Coming to this realisation was what I needed in this second because soon the nerves had seemingly melted into thin air and nothing but confidence was going through my mind. 

I quickened up my pace and a slightly louder moan fell from his lips now. I smiled a little bit at the way that he was reacting to my movements. Once I reached the tip again, I let my thumb run along the slit just slightly which was beaded with precum. I added a small amount of pressure to the area and I knew that he liked this as his hips jerked a little harder than they had previously. A triumphant smile overcame me as I knew that I had him completely at my mercy, wrapped tightly around my finger and he wasn’t unravelling any time soon. 

I continued my movements with my hand for a couple of more minutes and somewhere along this time span, my lips had attached to his once more. Harry had wasted absolutely no time in sliding his tongue passed my lips and battling me for dominance. This time, I let him win and my free hand had nestled into his hair and tugging on the chocolate strands lightly. He groaned a bit more in pleasure and I knew that he was annoyed when I pulled away. I shimmied down a couple of feet and he seemed to understand what I was going to do next. 

I stared at him deep in his eyes in search for any resistance. I could tell that he was extremely nervous but he was ready to take our relationship to a more intimate level. It’s going to be a while before we can ease ourselves into a sexual relationship but that is perfectly understandable what with everything Harry has had to go through. I would happily wait until he was definitely ready. I continued in looking for any kind of rejection from Harry but he eventually just nodded to let me know that he really did want this and didn’t just want to do this because he felt pressured into it.

At first, I pressed a gentle kiss to the tip and waited for any kind of negative reaction from him. When there was none at all, I gently let my lips engulf the small area. Harry’s breath hitched in his throat at the contact and I noticed that his breathing was ragged and his soft moans had dropped a few octaves. I worked slowly, taking a little bit at a time. This was for the both of us though. It had been a long while since I had last done anything even remotely intimate with someone and Harry has never had an intimate relationship before. We were both a little scared for obvious reasons but it just felt natural.

I didn’t use my tongue so much in the beginning because I wanted to ease him into it slowly instead of just forcing it all on him. I don’t want to freak him out at all and if that meant working very slow then I would accept it. Luckily, Harry seemed to get used to the feeling very easily and I soon felt his hips softly bucking up ever so slightly which told me he wanted me to move a bit faster. With the given permission, once I reached the tip once again, I added my tongue into the simulation. A rather strange noise left Harry now but I knew that it was a sound of pleasure. It was now that I let my other hand back into the equation and I softly grabbed the base which I couldn’t quite fit into my mouth and worked the area in time with my movements.

I deliberately hummed a little bit and I knew that the vibrations only turned Harry on even more and I knew that he was likely painfully hard right now and his body and mind was craving relief. With this thought in mind, I sped up my movements, letting my tongue dip ever so slightly into the slit to lick up some of the precum- the salty taste lingering in my mouth. I knew that he was nearing his end because his slight hip movements were becoming sloppy and not quite so harmonious in the way that they were previously. It only took roughly another minute of working him in this fashion for him to still in his movements as he came undone and I quickly swallowed the residue.

I was panting hard and I couldn’t deny that my jaw ached slightly. I ignored this however and instead focused my eyes on Harry’s face to take in his reaction. It took him a bit of time for his breathing to go back to its normal pace and he had soon opened his eyes to look directly at me and giving me a beaming grin. This was all I needed before I leaned over to help him up and pull him into a tight hug. It was his reaction to all of this that I was most worried about, I was scared that I may have pushed his boundaries a bit too much. There was nothing at all for me to be scared about though as it became clear that he did not regret anything in the slightest.

He leaned down a little to gently peck my lips before jokingly telling me that I really should brush my teeth at the lingering taste in my mouth. At this, I gently shoved him in response and we both erupted into laughter for a few minutes. Once we had stopped doing so, I quickly pulled my clothes back on and yes I did brush my teeth as well. I jogged back out to see that Harry was lying on the couch once more and he still had his shirt off. Despite the sight of the bruises causing me major discomfort, I ignored them. He looked over at me and gave me a smile as I shimmied in behind him and wrapping my arm protectively around his waist once more. He’d turned the television on but I knew that he wasn’t really watching it, it was just background noise and nothing other than that. 

A good hour had passed after that and I realised with a start that I hadn't studied at all the last few days and my first exam was now only a week away. I gulped and gave Harry a panicked look whilst asking if I could see one of his books. He chuckled and shook his head lightly before leaving the room. He came back in a few seconds later with three different books and I raised an eyebrow in confusion. He sat down beside me and pushed one book to the side before handing me one. My eyes widened when I saw just how much was written in it when I did open it up and I gave my boyfriend a questioning glance as to why he had such in depth books if he was only filming an anti-bullying documentary.

"I'm going to sit the exams Louis. I don't have any qualifications right now and you know how unpredictable the music industry is. I could lose it all tomorrow so I think it's good for me to have some kind of backup if it doesn't work out at any time."

My mouth dropped open in complete understanding. It wasn't long however before my mind was once again repeating the fact that Harry admitted that studying was the way his siblings coped. Marcel I obviously understood well but his sister didn't go through much so why would she need some kind of crutch? I must have said that out loud because Harry replied back with a simple question;

"If you walked in on any of your sisters getting raped when you were eleven years old, would you not want something to distract you completely of such thoughts?"


	34. Thirty-Three.

The next three days had come and gone extremely quickly, far too quickly for my liking to be completely honest. At times I really do wish it was possible to stop time and live in the exact same moment forever. I think it would be a lot easier. I had still not left Harry's flat for those three days despite him leaving for anywhere between four to twelve hours each day to record new music. The silence was almost welcoming though. It was so simple and I just wish that everything was simple. I knew today though that I should finally confront my mum because the girls are coming home in four days and the day after that is my first exam.

This is going to be a very busy week for me that much I definitely know.

When I was left alone for the day I would tear apart the books that Harry had because his were a lot more in depth and actually made sense compared to the compulsory books we were given. I don't even know where he got them from but I'll need to remember to ask him for when I do actually apply to a University. I have a few in mind though which is good seen as I'll need to apply within the next fortnight to meet the deadline. Right now though, the only thing that was most important to me was acing my A-Levels the second time around. I really do wish I paid more attention in school instead of going out partying almost every single night.

I frowned deep whilst finally putting the books down when I heard the front door open telling me Harry had come home. He was only at the studio today for five hours which wasn't too ridiculous. He grinned wide at seeing me which caused me to return the gesture. I stood up from the couch and walked over to accept his embrace. It's only been a week since we got back together but it doesn't feel like we ever split up in the first place. It felt more like a rough patch in our relationship that we had managed to completely forget about- even though we haven't forgot about it. Truthfully, I don't want to forget it because it really tested our feelings for one another and it made me realise how much I needed Harry in my life just like he needed me.

"Do you need a ride at all?"

I heard him ask quietly. I didn't need to say any words to him because he knew just as well as I that today had to be the day that I finally confronted my mum and I hope I can get through to the bottom of the problem. I honestly hope that I will finally be able to get her to see sense and I wasn't going to give up. I wasn't going to say no until she finally agreed to see someone because that amount of alcohol was most likely causing severe liver damage. I realised I hadn't answered Harry's question so I said back;

"I don't, I have my car here but I would kind of like to have someone with me."

I asked him indirectly but he understood perfectly what I was trying to say. My car may be here but I didn't want to stay at home until she got help because it is tearing the whole family apart more as each day passes by. Harry rubbed my back lightly and gave me a short smile letting me know that he would come with me for support. I'm scared of what I might walk in on but I am very determined for today to finally be the end of everything- I want things to go back to how they were before my parents’ marriage broke down.

I pulled away from Harry's embrace and pulled a coat on along with sliding on my shoes. I checked my pockets to make sure I had my keys as well as my phone and wallet. Once I was confident that I had what I needed and that I hadn't forgotten anything I followed Harry out into the corridor and down the three flights of stairs. I was startled at feeling the heat outside wrap around my skin because by now I was extremely used to the frosty winds that came with winter. I looked up to see a brilliant shade of blue covering the sky and there were very few clouds in sight. Overall, it was definitely the nicest day of the year as far as weather was concerned.

I slid into Harry's car whilst he slid into his side- turning the engine on. He must have caught me staring because he turned to face me and gave me a short grin. We didn't even say anything; we just looked at each other intensely. He obviously sensed how uncomfortable I was at what was probably going to happen between my mum and me because he lightly grabbed my cheek and smiled at me. It was only a small gesture but it did make me feel so much better. I leaned in slightly and gently pecked his moist pink lips before pulling away. Harry chuckled lightly before reversing out of the car park.

The entire journey we were both sneaking glances at one another which didn't last any longer than a second seen as Harry was driving. The only thing that we could both hear was the radio in the background and the faint rumbling of the car engine. I jumped a little bit when I felt Harry's hand rest on my knee in an act of reassurance. I wish it did reassure me but as we were getting closer to my house the nerves were only getting even worse. He kept his hand there though in a rather futile attempt at trying to calm my nerves. What am I even going to say to her? How am I going to say it to her? Will Harry come in with me or just stay in the car?

I didn't have much time to think though because Harry had soon spun the wheel to park up in the driveway which was empty. It was always only my car and Mark's that occupied the small space. Bile was forming in the back of my throat as I thought; do I really want to do this? I felt Harry lace his hand into mine and give it a gentle squeeze. I didn't even need to look at him for him to know how I was currently feeling.

"Do you want me to come in with you for support, love?"

I turned to look at him in thought. I didn't necessarily want Harry in the room because I am likely going to end up in a huge argument with my mum and I don't want to make Harry uncomfortable. I suppose knowing he was there though would help calm my racing heart and make it go back to a regular beating pattern. I'm surprised actually that I haven't vomited because I sure as hell feel like I am going to do just that.

"Could you come in but maybe stay out of the room? I don't want you to feel extremely uncomfortable."

He smiled again and his deep dimples indented his cheeks once more- instantly making him look years younger. He is young though, we both are. The only difference is that Harry was forced to grow up at a ridiculously young age when he should have been going through the more regular teenage stage that consists of sneaking out to go partying. That is only a stereotype though, not everyone is into all of that stuff and I know that if anything; that kind of behaviour disgusted Harry. I realised I was still looking at him and his worried glance was etched over his perfectly structured face. He leaned over and pulled me into a tight embrace, softly rubbing my back to try and calm me down. I tilted my head slightly and he seemed to understand what I meant by doing so because he turned his head and softly pecked my lips.

We broke apart after a couple of seconds before sliding out. My eyes were glancing over the front garden which was now a little overgrown and this was even confirmation that things weren't right at home. My mum's pride and joy was her brightly coloured garden. Even one single colour clash with the flowers and she would go mental. I just hope that I can get through to her today because if I can't I genuinely don't know if I ever will get through to her. Harry laced his hand into mine again and squeezed my palm gently as I opened the door and stepped into the house. Almost immediately I was covering my nose from the strong stench of alcohol that lingered in the air. Harry gasped from beside me as the last time he had been at my home the place was filled with laughter and joy. Now it was kind of hollow, not a single sound emanating from any of the rooms.

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, why did it seem so quiet? I soon knew why when we both walked into the living room and the strong stench of acid was entering my nostrils worse than it was outside. I noticed that the smell was so bad because there was a puddle of puke on the laminate floors. I heard Harry grimace beside me because he obviously didn't expect it to be as bad as it actually is. He probably thought that I was exaggerating when I was trying to explain what was happening. I jumped at hearing a noise coming from the kitchen and I gave Harry a worried look. He seemed to know what I was silently asking because he followed me being extra cautious to remain quiet in case it was a stranger.

I froze in the doorway though at seeing my mum standing up. She was looking out of the window, tears streaming down her face. I turned to look at Harry and he nodded lightly before leaving the room. I took a deep breath but she seemed to hear because she spun around on the spot and looked at me straight in the eye. For a couple of minutes, we stood there, neither of us knowing what to say. The awkward tension was building up again and before I could really stop myself I had walked over and pulled her into a tight hug. It stung- I can't deny that. I didn't need to try and get through to her because she had obviously figured it out herself that she does have a problem and needs to see someone about how she can stop.

We stayed in the embrace for a good five minutes before pulling away from each other; I looked down into her bright blue eyes that were identical to my own. Relief was the only thing I could see and I knew why. She was relieved that I hadn't given up on her, that she hadn't completely pushed me out of the picture. There was no way I was going to abandon her for what has been happening the last few months- right now she just needs someone. She hiccoughed lightly which told me she was trying to say something. I let my grasp around her loosen but I still didn't remove my arms from around her shoulders.

"I just called someone Louis; I need to get help on this."

\---

The next day a huge weight had completely lifted from my shoulders. Most of the things which had been irritating me for the last fortnight had all disappeared- the only thing left to worry over were my exams. My first one was now only three days away and I was slowly getting more and more nervous. I wasn't nervous about failing because for one of the first times I've been in any form of education I am confident that I'll pass pretty decently. Probably because I have actually been studying as opposed to going to parties almost every single night. It was no wonder I only just passed everything last time, I'm surprised I didn't fail all of my classes. Well actually, I failed maths but I wasn't going to ever need that subject so I wasn't too fussed.

I'm so glad yesterday went the way it did and I didn't need to get into a huge argument with my mum after all. If we did there was no way I would be able to bite my tongue and I would probably say something that I would seriously regret. I'm surprised that I managed to keep my cool when she was breaking apart in my arms. I knew why this was and that was Harry's advice. It is going to take time to completely mend my relationship with my mum but at least she has managed to get it in her head that the path she was on was one of complete self-destruct- there is no other way to describe the way she was going. I had gone back to Harry's flat after a couple of hours once we had helped clean up the mess and get rid of the scent for the girls coming home tomorrow.

Surprisingly enough though it didn't take long to clean up all the residue of the past few months. It was when my mum looked at Harry though that she realised that it was more or less because of him that I had forgiven her so easily. She didn't ask thankfully because I have no idea if he would ever tell her- he would probably eventually tell her a very simplified version of everything but that wouldn't be for a while. It was in three weeks though that Harry is showing a side to him that very few people have seen- heck I haven't even seen him at his most vulnerable. The only person who really had was Niall and despite the fact that he really unnerved me- he did save Harry's life three years ago even when he didn't know him. Underneath that protective exterior must be an incredibly nice person but he doesn't want to let his guard down in front of me.

I now felt really bad whenever I walked passed someone on the street who was homeless because the thought that Harry almost died living on the streets for ten months after being disowned for being gay and his immediate family dying wasn’t particularly nice. How did he manage to survive that long? Did anyone ever witness him having a panic attack or an episode of some form and stop to help? I snorted a little at the single thought because very few people will actually go completely out of their way to help someone who is homeless. I asked Harry why he hadn't gotten a job when he was left to fend for himself at fifteen but he had simply replied that he didn't have a permanent address and that made it impossible to find a job.

I shook my head a bit before sliding my coat on because I was meeting Chad at the local Starbucks to do some last minute studying and to catch up because we haven't seen each other for a couple of weeks. He was taking his part time job very seriously and in my personal life a lot of shit has been happening. At least now I wasn't under a ridiculous amount of stress of everything collapsing around me. Harry and I's relationship broke for a week but we came back stronger. My relationship with my mum broke for a few months and we have managed to mend what was torn apart. I know it is ridiculous but I could now breathe normally and not feel so suffocated in everything.

I grabbed my set of keys which now held a key to Harry's flat- a reminder that we were now stronger than ever. It has now been almost a year since we first met and Harry has already hinted to me that he was going to do something amazing for that day even though we didn't officially start dating until three months after. Nine months, that is actually quite scary to think about as the time has gone by ridiculously quickly. We have already been tested with trusting, lying, long distance and insane rumours. Just thinking that made me realise that nothing seems to be tearing us apart but I can't deny that it scared me a little. I'm only nineteen yet I somehow know that this is it.

I honestly do think that I have met the person who I'm going to end up spending the rest of my life with and it is a daunting thought because I'm so young. I was scared of what this means for us relationship wise- moving in together, marriage, maybe adopting or having kids through a surrogate in the future? I really need to stop thinking so far into the future because Chad still doesn't know that we are back together. I never actually told him that we broke up for seven days, but he knew me well enough to understand. He knew I had been hurt when we did break up but I genuinely didn't want to tell him anything about Harry's past. My mind came out of the currently weird state it was in when I spotted Chad's car parked outside the block where we were meeting. Why was I even thinking about things like this right now? These three days that I have left until my exams start will decide if I'm going to get into university or not.

I kept my head low whilst I walked into the dark room, it didn't take me long to spot Chad near the back in the corner. I groaned internally at hearing a few girls giggling and whispering to themselves. I knew they were talking about my relationship with Harry because I heard my name getting whispered which only caused them to giggle more. I stood in the queue which wasn't too long as this Starbucks shop is weirdly almost always deserted. Then again when you live in a slightly less populated area of London it should be expected. I tried to hide my annoyance at those girls who were still giggling behind me- causing a few people to look at them disapprovingly.

I ordered a plain cappuccino and stood at the corner whilst it was being made. I grabbed myself a blueberry muffin as well. I let out a long sigh of relief when those girls exited the shop, their obnoxious giggling disappearing from my ears. I think by now I would by very used to all of the gossip concerning my relationship but if anything it gets weirder every time someone recognises me simply because I am dating Harry. I noticed now that my drink was sitting on the counter so I took the cup and carefully walked over to where Chad was sitting with his MacBook. I had to resist a stupid happy dance seen as I had managed the journey- even if it was only a few metres- without spilling any of it.

Chad looked up and grinned at seeing me, standing up to give me a one-armed hug which I wholeheartedly returned. I pulled a chair out and sat down before taking a sip of the steaming hot beverage in front of me. He closed the lid of his laptop and leaned back in his seat a little bit indicating that he wanted to catch up before we do any form of studying- if we do any studying that is. 

"So, any new gossip?"

It was Chad who spoke up first and I caught him wiggling his eyebrows at me. He was obviously thinking that because my life has been so hectic recently that I have a heck of a lot more gossip to share. The only thing that I knew I could share is that I'm back with Harry and I guess I could mention the documentary but not tell him what it is about because I don't even know what is going to be in it completely yet. I took another sip of my drink and tapped my foot underneath the table a little to hide how nervous I suddenly was over Chad's reaction.

"Harry and I got back together last week."

I don't know what I was expecting by telling him this. Freak out, yell at me, and tell me how stupid I was. I just didn't expect him to chuckle and state;

"I knew you two would get back together, it's bloody fucking obvious that you both love each other to nothing else. Did he not hurt you though?"

That was more what I was expecting. Chad to question me about why we had broken up in the first place and I wasn't going to tell him that Harry has been advised by a psychologist to go to school as his deceased brother and filmed a few weeks of all the bullying as well as harsh treatment to raise awareness to mental illnesses. My brain was beginning to ache at the complex thought. I took a breath and paused for a few seconds to clear my head before replying back;

"Yeah, we had a big fight a fortnight ago. He sent me a text me last week however, we met up and he told me everything that I didn't know. Just hearing it all from him and how emotional he got was all the confirmation I needed that he really did love me and we've been going really strong since."

He shook his head lightly in mock annoyance but he seemed to understand that I wasn't going to say anything more on the subject of my boyfriend so we quickly began catching up on our more everyday antics. Currently he was trying to tell me that someone he worked with accidentally set his hat on fire and was running around like a headless chicken apparently. I didn’t think that it was very funny but the fact that Chad was bent over the table laughing to the point that he was crying- I couldn't help but to join in with the laughter.

A good three hours had gone by and not to anyone’s surprise, neither of us studied. I don't even know why I bothered to bring a book with me if I already knew we weren't going to but it is better to be prepared anyway. I shook my head as he quite literally done the Macarena to his own car before getting in. I was trying to hold in my snort which was a cover for my embarrassment. He definitely plays the whole brotherly bond we have with each other to perfection even if it does leave us both wondering where we went wrong in life. Just as I was about to pull out my phone began ringing. I didn't look at the caller ID because I had set a different ringtone to those who I called most so I knew it was Harry. Yeah, I do weird shit when I am bored.

"Hi babe, how is your studio session going?"

I hadn't seen him yet today as he was already out of his flat before I was awake. Then again I didn't wake up until 11am which to him was probably extremely late.

"It went good but I completely forgot about this- Chris just reminded me."

I frowned a little and put him onto loudspeaker, sitting my phone in my shirt pocket so I could still hear him well as I began the drive back to his flat. The other people who live in the same complex probably think that we live together by now seen as I was always there. I like spending time there though. I must have made a weird noise at what Harry said because he chuckled lightly.

"I got invited to attend the gay pride awards Louis and I can bring a plus one- are you up for it?"

My eyes widened now at this- an awards show? I should have seen this coming eventually but it was still extremely weird to hear it. I suppose it would be good because then we could both put an end to all of the stupid rumours that circle about us and it would show how strong our relationship is. On top of that we could show that what we have is real and not faked like a few of Harry's fans still believed because they couldn't accept that he was gay. This wasn't true for the majority though. It was only the first month or so that the hate was really bad but once people realised that we both make each other happy they were really nice to me.

"Yeah sure, what will I wear though? I don't have any fancy suits or any suits for that matter."

He chuckled a bit again and by now I had reached the gates. I quickly typed the password in and drove up the street that held a few different complexes in it. I parked up outside of his and slid out of my car but it wasn't long until a familiar car had pulled up behind. I hung up and grinned wide as he got out of the Mercedes van that either Chris or the still nameless driver chaperoned him in. He ran over and pulled me into a tight hug, allowing our lips to meet for a second before pulling away to look at each other.

"Chris is going to take us to Bond Street and don't question me Louis, its ok."

Damn, he knew me far too well. I had never been down that street in my life because I know it is where all of the high end designer shops are- fuck they probably charge a grand for a scarf. I knew there was no point in arguing with Harry here because he had already made up his mind so I got into the back with him. Chris was making disgusted noises at us comically which made us only annoy him more by kissing multiple times- tongues and all. It wasn't long until we were driving down the street and my eyes widened as I read some of the signs.

Gucci, Prada, Christian Louboutin, Michael Kors, Balenciaga, Hermes, Yves Saint Laurent. The names seemed to go on forever and everyone walking around here just automatically screamed wealth. I already feel bad that Harry is obviously going to go ahead and buy me a full outfit but I wasn't going to protest as once Harry had made up his mind there was no changing it. Chris pulled over and told us he would wait there whilst we went on the hunt for something to wear tonight.

I was a bit scared in case we would get attacked but everyone was just minding their own business. I guess that they just see Harry as an equal here because he is obviously incredibly wealthy. We went into a few shops but nothing was catching our eyes, it wasn't until we were outside Yves Saint Laurent that we both seemed to make a silent agreement that we would find something in here. I asked Harry the time these awards were starting and he replied two hours- just enough time to get ready.

We both sauntered over to the fancy suits near the back and skimmed through them all, it didn't take Harry long to pick one out but I was still struggling to find one I liked. A good ten minutes had passed and I was about to give up until Harry pulled one out which did catch my eye and in a good way. I bit my tongue because there was no price on the tag but I had already decided to go with what Harry had said because I knew he wouldn't waver.

Once we had both found our sizes we walked over to the till- I failed miserably to hold in the hissing noise I made at seeing the £7,000 on the small screen. Harry didn't even blink and we were soon walking out hand in hand back to Chris' car. It still shocked me that Harry could just spend money like that and for it to not put a dent into his bank account and I don't think I ever will get used to it. You could buy a brand new car for that price at times.

We were both soon in his flat and I didn't waste any time in pulling the tags off of the expensive material which had a silk underlay. I didn't want to dress up too fancy so I pulled on a regular top before sliding the coat on. Even though I felt bad at what Harry just spent on me I couldn't deny that it was extremely comfortable and it was very easy to move around in. The trousers were tightly fitted but not quite as much as my regular skinny jeans. They still showed off my body quite nicely and I had to hold in a chuckle because they definitely held tightly against my bum which I knew was going to drive Harry crazy.

I was in the main bathroom right now whilst Harry was in his bedroom. We didn't want to fight for space or what belongs to whom. I decided to try something a bit different with my hair and let it sit to the right. I shook my fingers through it so it still looked a little messy because I don't want to look like I've spent a ridiculous amount of time getting ready. From the light knock on the door I knew that Harry was ready.

"You almost done, love?"

I answered him by opening the door and it wasn't long until he pressed his chest against mine. Harry looked good in a suit- and I mean really fucking good in a suit. Our lips gently attacked each other, short moans and pants escaping both of our lips when we pulled back for air. I felt Harry's hands trail down and rest against my bum, a deep groan escaping his chest as he rubbed a little bit.

"Gosh love, your arse feels so good. Can't believe you're mine."

I moved my hands up to behind his neck and kissed him ferociously before moving to his sweet spot just below his ear and whispered;

"I think I am the lucky one, you're so fucking sexy Harry."

The heat in the room increased but I remembered that we should probably hurry up otherwise we would be late. It was a good thing that neither of us looked excited because that would most definitely be a problem that neither of us wanted to deal with right now. Harry checked the time and nodded to himself which was all the confirmation I needed to know that we had to leave now if we didn't want to be late. We raced each other down the stairs with the rather immature 'last one is a rotten egg!' At times we act more like toddlers rather than nineteen. We both got into Chris' car again and we began to our mystery destination. I asked Harry if he knew where we were going but he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders telling me he didn't know either. 

We were travelling for roughly forty minutes which just consisted of us all belting out the songs on the radio which caused a lot of laughter. I didn't really sing much in front of people because that was still a wound from my ex that hadn't gone. I don't even think I've ever even told Harry that I used to be the lead singer of a band the first few years of high school. That absolute dick slowly convinced me though that I had a terrible voice and I quit the band much to the other member’s dismay. They tried to keep me on but I was already far too brainwashed by that point. Right now though, I wasn't going to let that get in the way. If I was going to let it get in the way I wouldn't have belted out lyrics that I didn't completely know in front of a professional singer.

My eyes widened as we pulled into a street which had the road completely blocked off apart from those who were arriving. Harry gripped my hand tightly because he had already sensed that I was nervous and I happily squeezed his hand back just as tightly. This was our first official outing as a couple as we do like to keep our relationship to ourselves as much as possible. Some man walked over and opened the door at Harry's side. He didn't let go of my grip so I shuffled over and got out as well- the loud scream automatically shocked me. It was like one giant scream and not a lot of individual screams.

We both walked over to some teenagers who were clearly fans of Harry- three of them were boys. I already knew that Harry had male fans somewhere, I just hadn't seen any to date yet as it was always girls who came over to ask for autographs and pictures if they bumped into him in the street. I relaxed once we got a conversation going and Harry's influence was staring me right in the face now. He has already influenced me greatly on how to live my own life by not letting other people choose how I should. Two of the boys had shook Harry's hand and said that how open he was over his own sexuality inspired them to both come out and not let anyone bother them- the other boy was one of their partners and he also thanked Harry because they wouldn't have met each other when they did if he didn't come out when he did.

We both worked our way down the very long line, answering questions and cracking the occasional joke. I settled into the whole atmosphere surprisingly quickly. We also threw some ridiculous rumours down the drain- one of which was that we had secretly gotten married. I have no idea where the fuck that one came from because neither of us wears wedding rings. We soon got inside and my eyes widened at the very fancy decor. I was trying not to freak out at the single fact that Jessie J was currently sitting at the same table as Harry and I. She struck up a conversation with me and I somehow managed to hide my racing heart because if I was straight or bisexual I would seriously crush on the woman. 

"Hey Jessie, hands off of my man."

At this I let a loud laugh escape my throat which only caused everyone at the table to laugh. It was so funny that Harry still got jealous right now even though he knew I would never fancy her in the first place. Yes, she is a very beautiful and funny woman but I have no attraction towards her. We shared a couple of short kisses when cameras weren't on us which were circling around the room on some strange metal device that I have never seen before in my life. I snapped my head to Harry when I saw him stand up from the corner of my eye. He didn't even look at me because he knew that I was about to ask him what he was doing.

"I'm making a speech Louis; I need to go back."

I tried to hide my sulking shoulders because I didn't want to be left alone even if I was getting along with everyone at the table. He also seemed like he didn't want to leave because he bent down and gently kissed me which only caused the entire place to erupt in more screams- fuck, I guess the cameras got that then. He didn't remove his hand from my cheek as he said quietly;

"I'll be back in no more than ten minutes, I love you."

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks once again before whispering back;

"I love you, now go or you'll get in trouble."

He chuckled lightly and ran over to the back. I looked down at my clasped hands in my lap to try and hide how embarrassed I was because I am not into public affection. I froze when I realised that this was the first time Harry and I dropped the 'love' bomb in public. I can already imagine people losing their minds all over the world who were watching this. The lights dimmed which told me there was another performer coming on now. So far Kodaline, Rihanna, Katy Perry and Olly Murs have taken to the stage. It was like one crazy concert with the occasional speech in between everything and a few short clips. My eyes widened when the silhouettes of four people appeared on stage and once the fire shot out of the corners of the stage I realised it was The Script.

I tried to conceal my excitement but again I failed miserably in doing so. At least a camera wasn't on me again because that would be extremely embarrassing. I was a little bit disappointed that their set didn't last longer than five minutes but then again all of the performers tonight were only singing one song- I wonder if Harry is singing tonight. It wouldn't surprise me actually seen as this was an awards show for the LGBT community and as an openly gay singer it made a lot of sense. The host quietened everyone down once Danny and the rest of the band were off of the stage and back in their own seats before stating that Harry was giving a small speech.

The scream continued as he walked from behind the stage and down the small catwalk to the microphone. His gaze glanced all around the room in amazement because it probably looks amazing from his angle and is likely a bit overwhelming as well. He took a deep breath as he began his speech that I didn't know if he had rehearsed or was making it up as he went along.

"Well first of all it is a huge honour to have been invited to be here tonight and I'm sure a lot of you in the audience are also thinking. This is only the second year these awards have occurred and the response has truly been absolutely amazing. I was asked to do this speech a few days ago and I've put a lot of thought into what I'm going to say so please bear with me."

This caused numerous chuckles to echo through the room- he was obviously trying to diffuse the nerves he had by distracting the crowd momentarily and it worked. It didn't work on me though because I saw right through it, I knew that Harry only stood like that when he was nervous.

"If you don't know, I am gay myself and I have been very open of my own sexuality ever since my own career started. It was a dangerous move for me because a lot of people told me that people would refuse to listen to any of my music if I didn't pretend to be attracted to women. I was against this though because being gay is not a crime nor is it a sin. Yes, it can be strange to some people but it is still normal. I wasn't going to force myself to be 'straight' if I quite simply am not. I wouldn't have been able to pull it off anyway because I can't act to save my life."

Once again, a lot of laughs echoed through the room and a large grin was set on my face as I looked down at the boy I have fallen deeply in love with who just so happens to be my boyfriend.

"I was fourteen when I first admitted to myself that I was gay and truthfully that was the scariest part for me. Once I accepted it- I realised that I didn't care what anyone else thought. If people didn't like me for it, that was their own choice and I didn't care. Luckily my immediate family were all incredibly supportive when I did come out, which was scarcely a week after I admitted to myself that I was gay. I couldn't say the same about the rest of my family however. I come from a strictly Christian background and for years it was drummed into my head that it was wrong and not normal. When I did come out to the rest of my family they didn't accept me- told me it was a phase that I would grow out of. I knew it wasn't a phase though because as months went by I was only finding myself even more attracted to other boys and never girls. I was told I would never go anywhere and I wouldn't do anything with my life yet five years later I'm standing here in front of you all giving this speech."

He paused for a few seconds, probably thinking of what to say next. Not a single word was uttered anymore as Harry had managed to capture everyone's complete attention- including my own. He looked around and pretty soon his gaze landed on me and he smiled deeply.

"I can still remember as if it were yesterday when I first told the media that I was gay. I was doing an interview and I was asked what I look for in a girl. I remember making a rather strange noise because I tried to hold in a snort and I just said it. It did shock people yes, but I would much rather people knew right from the very beginning. I expected to get a huge barrage of hate but I surprisingly didn't- people just accepted it and moved on. I do occasionally get the odd homophobic comment but I ignore it. Almost a year ago though I met someone as a lot of people know. An eleven-year-old girl managed to sneak backstage at one of my concerts and her older siblings came to look for her- one of those siblings just so happens to be my boyfriend."

The cameras all turned to me once again and laughs echoed again as Harry revealed how we actually met for the first time. I saw Jessie had a few tears rolling down her cheeks at the entire thing.

"I may have been very open on my sexual orientation for a year before meeting Louis, but I still had no idea if I would ever meet someone. There is a huge part of my life that I do go out of my way to hide but he managed to break down every barrier and helped me through a very tough time in my life. Of course when we came out as a couple the internet did go into meltdown and a lot of undercover homophobe’s showed their true colours not long after. It's been quite a few months now since we revealed that we were together and not just friends. People have come to accept me for who I am and the point I'm trying to get across here is that I'm not different. I'm not a freak, a weirdo nor am I queer. Society is beginning to be very open to different sexualities and it is no longer that big of a taboo subject. It isn't against the law to be a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual or even pansexual. The only difference we have to people who are heterosexual is who we are naturally attracted to. Some people need to get this in their heads because we are just like them. We aren't strange- we are normal."

He stepped away from the microphone now and it wasn't long until everyone in the room was on their feet applauding and cheering loudly at how open he was. I was still a bit embarrassed that he had gushed over me in front of the world basically because I'm pretty sure his speech is going to go viral online tomorrow. The cameras followed him as he walked back over to our table. Jessie was still crying but out of pride. Harry has definitely changed a lot of people's minds over the whole LGBTQ+ movement as well as their own conflicting thoughts as they try to figure out their own sexuality. We ended the night with a short but very sweet kiss.


	35. Thirty-Four.

Digging inside of a box, I groaned again. This was the sixth that I've looked in and I have still to find my own books because I need to hand them in immediately after the exam because I have zero intention whatsoever in walking down that corridor again if I could help it. English was the only subject I needed textbooks for and right now I was seriously regretting mixing them up with all of Harry's seen as he was taking science related classes. It did confuse me why he didn't take music but I guess if he was ever asked to sing people would have instantly figured out everything that was going on which he didn't want.

I should have done this last night because right now I was rushing like fuck because the exam is in two hours. Two bloody hours and I can't find the books that I need to hand in. I guess this is karma biting me right in the arse for not buying my own set like most of the other students but I was not prepared to part with almost £300 in order to buy four books which weren't even that big. I opened up another box and pulled everything out of it- please be in here before I have a mental breakdown. My eyes widened when I saw the faded yellow and red cover that was one of them. Much to my dismay though, that was the only one in the box, which meant I had to look in even more.

I jumped at hearing a cackle from behind me. I turned around and had to remind myself that this was Harry and not Marcel. Well, technically he was Marcel. Gosh, this whole thing is so fucking confusing. The only reason he was staying on with it all was simply so he could get qualifications which he doesn't have yet. He has already sat two of his exams- this one being his last because apparently English was his best subject in school apart from music. It wouldn't surprise me because the second I saw all of the folders and boxes which encased every song he has written I was about to faint. I didn't even think it was possible for a single person to write that much in their life- I honestly thought he was joking when he said he had written about eight hundred songs by the time he was sixteen. I knew it was true though because he easily had around one thousand currently.

It is a bit of a shame that the majority of those songs will likely never be recorded by anyone never mind be recorded by Harry. I understood why he didn't want to though because he isn't very open as a person anyway. He walked over and gently took hold of my chin, causing me to tilt my head up a little to look into his electric green eyes. It's crazy that a little bit of hair gel can make a person look so different. The glasses did too never mind the clothes.

"Are these clothes a part of the filming or-"

He instantly nodded, answering my question before I had even finished. I let out a small sigh of relief because I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable with someone acting out the personality of someone who is dead. He explained everything to me the night before though and I had much more knowledge. This film was going to be in a documentary style but scenes were being cut in of Harry speaking about what happened and how it affected him both physically and mentally. I know for a fact that I would be torn in two if any of my sisters committed the irreversible, it must be a million times worse if that sibling was your identical twin. My youngest sisters were constantly joined at the hip, never apart from each other for longer than three hours at any given time and even then they seemed lost without their own inside jokes that I will never understand. I have no idea how any of them would react if either one of them died unexpectedly.

I looked at Harry again, my eyes scanning over the entire ensemble that was still strange to think about. In a sense I was looking at someone who had been dead for five years and it is an extremely uncomfortable thought. I'm not too sure what it was about Harry doing this that made me feel a bit weird. When I say weird- I mean weird to think about. To the majority of people, it is simply going to look like Harry dressing as a serious nerd simply to show people how everyone can be bullied. To the few who knew everything though, including myself, knew that the main reason he was doing this was to get better mentally. For him to find some sort of balance that would allow him to control his depression.

We never talked about his mental instability personally because I was scared of the tiny chance that I might accidentally kick start him into having a panic attack. That single one I witnessed was enough. I froze in thought though because I have seen him take a panic attack before and it has only just hit me right in the face with an incredible force. That was the first day we confessed that we loved each other, which was now eight months ago. Gosh, that is such a long time.

I tried to ignore the weird feeling I had over everything but this didn’t really go as planned. It was a good thing that today is the last day of it all. Despite not talking about his diagnosis of clinically depressed, I knew that it worked. The first few months of knowing each other he had acted strangely even though I didn't know a single thing then except that he had a big fight with his mum. The main reason why I managed to forgive my own mum for essentially abandoning us for alcohol when we needed her the most. I didn't want to wallow in self-loathing for pushing her away until I couldn't say sorry.

I jumped a bit when Harry tore open the last box that encased his books and much to my delight, the first three books at the top were my remaining missing ones. I grabbed them from the box and looked around the living room floor awkwardly as everything was still spread out over the floor in one big giant mess. I gave Harry an innocent look but he only chuckled lightly. Another thought entered my mind now. Harry faked a mild American accent whilst doing this which was a bit strange seen as neither of them has ever permanently lived in the states.

"Why the American accent?"

He smiled a little sheepishly whilst his deep emerald eyes stared right into my soul with incredible depth. I frowned a little bit at his body language but it wasn't long until I felt his lips gently meet mine for a split second. I saw a flash of pain enter the stunning shade but it was gone almost instantly- another reminder that Harry was slowly beating depression. His hand rested against my cheek, his tongue sliding out to dampen his perfect rose-red lips.

"It was kind of an inside joke with Marcel and me, Louis. Because we were completely identical look wise it was extremely difficult for people to tell us apart, so we came up with ways to make it easier for others. This was when we were still in primary school though. He was considering a field in acting so he put a lot of effort into perfecting an American accent. I suck at it but in a way it has made me realise that he is still there, just not alive but he will never be completely gone."

My mouth opened in an odd mix of understanding and shock. The understanding part obviously from the reasoning behind the weird accent that he put on. I would have liked to have seen Marcel irritate Harry over how shit he was at it, but that won't happen. Silently, I came to a rather weird realisation. From the very little I have heard about Harry's deceased identical twin brother, I shared a similar personality to him. An acting field too? That was something I wouldn't have expected of him but a lot of people do unexpected things of what society expect them to do. That meant that Marcel was obviously remaining realistic by sticking in to get the best grades possible so he would have something to fall back on if it didn't work out. This is exactly what Harry was doing right now. He had obviously put a fuck tonne of work into learning the entirety of the A-Level classes he was taking because he knows that being in any form of business in the spotlight was extremely unpredictable.

I glanced at the clock to check the time to make sure that neither of us were running late for the exam. I groaned loudly because we still had another hour before we even had to leave. That was the one single thing I hated about having exams in the afternoon. Getting a long sleep was amazing but all of the waiting around was horrific because all it did was gnaw away all of your confidence. I've done what I can though; I just hope I will get good enough grades. So far I've not gotten a grade lower than a B which in itself is a miracle for me because I am not exactly smart when it comes to academics.

I froze at feeling Harry's hand gently brush against my arm which brought me back into the land that was reality. I looked at him again and I had to force my brain to realise that this was Harry and not Marcel. It was just so weird how different he looked. I suppose that was a good thing in such a seriously fucked up situation. It just didn't sit right for me to know that the boy I thought I had been defending was dead and the one that I was defending was my boyfriend. I cringed deep as my mind wandered back to those awards where we first dropped the 'love' bomb in public. Twitter had completely gone into meltdown and much like before- some undercover homophobe's showed their true colours. At least there wasn't many though because then I would feel incredibly guilty. I watched as Harry carefully slid the glasses onto his nose and I only now just realised something else. He wasn't wearing glasses earlier but he could still see perfectly fine- I think so anyway. He seemed to have noticed the slight quirk of my eyebrow which meant I was confused.

"Why wear glasses if you don't need them?"

He looked down, shaking his head lightly. I frowned as that meant he was trying to hold in a laugh which only confused me more. Wait, he did need them because he wore contact lenses. Fuck, there is simply too much information stored in my brain currently for me to even begin to think straight. He looked over to me, electric green staring right into my own eyes before replying;

"I don't need these glasses, Louis. These ones are fake but I'm wearing contact lenses underneath. I do have glasses though; I just choose not to wear them because I look fucking ridiculous with them on. I wouldn't be able to see you right now if I wasn't wearing my contacts."

My mouth fell open at the explanation. I looked at the clock again and almost froze in fright when I realised the exam was starting in just forty minutes which meant we had to leave right now. Once again, Harry understood what I was thinking and grabbed his keys from the shelf before signalling me outside. Was he going to drive? Would that not be a bit dodgy if he didn't want people knowing about this for a couple of more weeks? I soon got my answer because a familiar black van was waiting outside, the still nameless driver sitting in the front. I really should learn his name so I don't constantly have to refer to him as 'the driver'.

Nerves were still brewing in my stomach the closer we both got to campus, our hands tightly intertwined with each other in silent reassurance that it was going to be alright. It was only ten more minutes but it felt like both seconds and years. Harry was dropped off a couple of streets away so we wouldn't be seen together because I don't want to see rumours that one of us is cheating on the other when we aren't. I think we would both know if we were ever unfaithful in our relationship because we spend practically every minute of our spare time together. I got out of the car soon after, the driver informing me quickly that he would get me at the opposite end of campus along with Harry. I had hardly even shut the door before I felt a huge weight land on my back and from the length of the shadow on the ground I knew it was Chad.

"Get off of me, dickhead!"

He laughed loud but he stopped once I bent forward- sending him flipping over onto the concrete below. It was quite difficult trying not to laugh at how quickly his expression switched from joy to complete irritation. He'll get over it; we've insulted each other too much by now to ever fall out. Well actually, he and Olly both know too many embarrassing moments to ever go anywhere and I think the same goes for the two of them. We hadn't been able to speak to Olly lately because he was now doing a summer apprenticeship course. The fact that so much is going on in my own life, Chad now having a job, Olly working and on top of that the five-hour time difference made it almost impossible to stay in touch. I smirked because Chad had booked a fortnight off of his job in a month and I had the time off- which meant Harry's Christmas present to me would be getting put to good use.

I caught sight of a familiar boy walking around, a very tiny smile forming onto my face when he also caught my gaze. I looked down in order to hide my slowly reddening cheeks in case anyone caught it. I know that if people did catch the fact I was blushing at Harry or as they know as Marcel currently, it would spread around the entire campus like wildfire. I didn't need any drama today especially because in less than ten minutes I am going to be sitting an exam.

I pulled my phone out and quickly skimmed through the notes I had saved on it, nodding whilst silently clutching my chest in relief because I could remember it all. I just hope that decent questions come up in this; otherwise I am going to be in serious shit and will need to just write whatever the hell I can and hope for the best. It wasn't long until Chad bid me goodbye to run over to his own building seen as his Astronomy exam was at the same time as mine. I took a deep breath before heading into my own building.

The hall was already slowly beginning to fill up with the students who were sitting English, I had to hide the huge smile that appeared when I spotted Harry near the back corner, and he had a free seat beside him. I probably shouldn't sit beside him but right now I couldn't give a fuck. No one is really going to notice anyway because everyone is going to be far too focused on these questions we are going to be hit with to take notice of anything else in the hall. His eyes widened when I took the seat next to him but a small grin made its way on to his face- allowing two deep dimples to form on his cheeks. I felt his hand lightly graze against mine and I gently gave his palm a tight squeeze when nobody was looking to avoid any more drama revolving either of our respective lives.

It wasn't long until we were told we could open the paper and begin answering the questions. I skimmed through them and had to resist letting out a very large sigh of relief as the first question was more or less the exact question I hoped would come up. For the next two hours I wrote like my life depended on it- which in a way it did because English is a ridiculously difficult subject to ace. My hand was throbbing by the end of it, blisters aching to burst the skin, feeling itching to reside once again in my fingertips. I don't think I've ever written so much in such little time before at all in my life before now. Everyone started standing up and I shook my head a little bit before repeating their actions. I felt Harry's gaze on me so I quickly looked over to him and gave him a quick smile that I was happy with what I had written. He gave me a triumphant grin in response which was all I needed. That was it, now I only have two more exams to do and Harry had completely finished his. Now I just need to fill in my applications for Universities because the deadline is ten days from now.

I'm just going to chill out the rest of the day though; I think I deserve it after that demanding exam. I split different ways from my boyfriend to avoid any suspicion before Harry announces what he has secretly been doing- which is also in just a week. It's kind of bad really that I want to witness everyone's reaction once they get revealed for their own true colours. Then again, they won't really because he had already told me they were distorting faces and changing voices so everyone would remain anonymous. I spotted the familiar black Mercedes in the car park and I quickly slid in before we made our way over to the opposite end of campus where Harry got in. He leaned in almost instantly to meet my lips in the middle because now we didn't have extra stress that could strain our relationship.


	36. Thirty-Five.

Right about now, I am almost one thousand percent sure that my head is about to explode. I had only just walked out of the hall that we took our exams in expecting to feel immense relief that it was now over- but I didn’t. The only reason for that was simply because I now had two days to apply for university and I still don’t know what course I want to apply for. The rest of my day will unfortunately have to be giving myself a headache to the point I would be having migraines for another year- I’m not even kidding. I should have applied sooner but I just didn’t want any extra stress on top of my final exams because I sure as hell am not enrolling into college for a third time to get my A-Levels.

It had been a week since I had solved everything with my mum, and a week since Harry had completely told me absolutely everything concerning this documentary. My stomach was flipping simply at the thought that millions of people are going to see something about Harry that he really doesn’t like talking about. It’s perfectly understandable though, I certainly would not want to talk about a deceased family member; never mind that family member being your identical twin. I won’t ever fully understand but in some round-a-bout way, I am actually glad of that. I think it is only something you can fully understand if you have gone through personally and this was the main reason that I was glad that I wasn’t a twin.

I don’t know what it is about a twin exactly that makes their bonds normally a lot stronger than that of regular siblings. The only logical and remotely scientific reason I can think of is that they are there for each other since the second they are conceived and that gives them a deep mental connection. If this was the case with Harry and Marcel, then their bond must have only been made even stronger after what happened if they only trusted each other with such a horrific secret for almost three years. I shook my head a little. I really should not be thinking about the fact that Harry was raped and Marcel most likely was as well in secret. I think it is one of the most disgusting crimes- coming short of murder. Even if the victim in question is not a virgin- they are in a sense still having their innocence removed from them in probably extremely painful ways. I can remember not being able to walk properly for a couple of days when I first had sex. I nudged my head to the side in thought here though, this was the first time I’ve ever thought of my ex without feeling a surge of rage or humility overcome me. 

I’m free.

I’m no longer under the grasp of his unbearable power. For the first time in over two years I genuinely feel like I’m myself again. I’m that exact same confident, sarcastic, big hearted goof that I was before I met James. A parallel between my mum and I. It had only just now stricken me that I now had an even stronger bond mentally and physically with her. She was broken apart at the divorce even though she knew it was over long before they even filed the papers to make it official. I was broken down and manipulated into believing I was nothing less than a worthless piece of shit. It wasn’t much and it wasn’t the same situation- but I felt like I understood my boyfriend’s strong bond with his twin who is no longer alive now.

I froze when I noticed I was on the motorway- I hadn’t even realised that I had gotten into my car and began my journey. For the last couple of days my internet signal has been seriously shit and so Harry had offered for me to head to the studio to search up courses and to apply. I would much rather get it done and out of the way as soon as I possibly can. That way I have a few weeks of peace and quiet. I snorted at the thought because my life has been anything but peace and quiet since I met Harry. I wouldn’t change it though because I really do love the guy to pieces. We may have never been fully intimate with each other but sex doesn’t need to mark the strength of a relationship in my opinion.

There are so many other ways to show the person you love how you truly feel than sex. We had shared so many secrets with each other, so many tender touches, so many barely whispered declarations of love. Yes, we have shared a very intimate moment with each other and I most certainly do not regret it. The fire which had ignited inside of me during the heated kiss that took place before which only heightened as we stripped one another of our clothes until we were completely bare. A fire that I’m sure if it wasn’t just a feeling and was physical would have incinerated me on the spot when Harry’s lips were letting out those pleasured sounds. 

I could already feel an uncomfortable scratching in my jeans at the erotic thought but I knew how to control myself because I don’t exactly want to walk into a studio with Harry and most likely Julian with a full on erection. I know it would make Harry cringe outwardly whilst inwardly his mind would be thinking exactly what had happened just over a week ago with us. I can quite honestly say that I have never been so turned on in my entire life. It still surprised me that he was so calm throughout it. I had expected for him to freak out a little bit and it showed me just how much he was improving. It’s going to be a long and painful journey but maybe one day Harry will be able to beat this illness. Is it even possible to fully overcome a mental illness? It is possible, he is already on medication for it so perhaps one day he will no longer need it in order to in a sense control everything.

Despite my strong will to hold off getting hard before arriving at my destination- I still allowed myself to fantasise a little bit at the truly beautiful thought. We’ve been back together for almost a month now but this month we have been even stronger than we were the first time we tried. I don’t even know if we are counting that as a weeklong break or as a week we had broken up for. I wasn’t going to give myself anymore brain-ache though especially now that I was pulling into the mansion sized house roughly half an hour from London in the countryside where Harry was recording today.

It looked completely different from the studio he usually went to, but in a way it felt a lot more normal. It would definitely be a lot more relaxing, which might do something towards the maze inside of my head. At least I now knew how to distract myself of my brain practically turning into nothing but mush. I turned the engine off and slid out; swinging my bag over my shoulder that had my laptop in it even though I know there will probably be multiple computers in here.

I walked up the red gravel and knocked on the door, shuffling my feet a little whilst waiting. Soon the door swung open and for a second I didn’t recognise the man standing there but I soon registered that it was Julian. He had cut his hair in half; it now hung just below his ears. It’s not that it looked bad, it’s just that I was now used to seeing him with really long hair that was on the verge of turning into dreadlocks. He smiled and let me inside, my eyes instantly widening at the giant open planned hallway. 

I spotted Harry over at the other end, tinkering away on his guitar in an attempt to come up with a melody of some kind. He looked up when he heard me walk over and his grin widened instantly. He sat the instrument down and stood up to pull me into a tight hug which I was incredibly happy to return. I heard a wolf whistle from behind and I irritatingly gave Julian the very generous gesture that was my middle finger. Harry let out his cackling laugh at this whilst Julian jokingly sent me a glare.

I may have only met the man a few times but we had been quick to bond with each other over our shared love of the band The Fray. I sat down on the couch and pulled out my laptop before typing in Oxford. I know it was a long shot but I may as well try because it was one of the most difficult to get in to and it will be a huge achievement to be accepted in my eyes. People have already told me they will be pleased for me no matter what career path I choose- as long as it isn’t drug dealing or prostitution- which my mum had so kindly told me the day before. I definitely had what people would call a weird mum, but I love her despite the hard few months we’ve had.

I clicked on the course A-Z link and began slowly scouring through all the possible courses and a couple caught my eye. I instantly saved the URLs so that I could print out the application forms later on once I had seen the requirements were AAA at A-Level. That wasn’t too dreadful and I knew it was very possible considering I studied like fuck this year. The next one I typed in was University College London which was known for specifying in performing arts. It was the most logical one for me to apply for and I smiled at the single fact that again- their requirements were also AAA but they would accept a B in certain circumstances. I looked around the room and spotted a printer nearby.

Harry had now gone upstairs and I could hear the very slight vibrations in the roof told me he was recording again. Julian had already informed me that the rooms were all soundproofed and I already knew it might not be a good thing to barge in on Harry whilst he is recording. I had learned that the hard way two weeks ago. I chuckled at the funny memory. What had happened was he kept fucking up at the exact same part of a song and he was getting incredibly aggravated- which led to possibly an equal amount of swears of a sailor. It was incredibly entertaining for me to watch and even though Julian was getting annoyed because of the amount of time it was taking- I knew he found the entire situation just as funny as I did. 

As much as I want to see that again I decided not to bother. I wrote down the printer name after checking it had plenty of paper in it before walking back over to the couch to print out the application forms. It took roughly ten minutes for everything to be finished. Surprisingly there wasn’t a ridiculous number of pages to fill out. It was a good thing that there was a small post box nearby which I had noticed on the drive here. I grabbed a pen from the small jar that was lying on the table and began to fill out the five application forms. I know that for some extended education programs they will not allow any more applications from the same person and I didn’t want to chance it.

I jumped a little at feeling two lanky arms wrap around me from behind, I didn’t even need to look back because the cross tattoo on his hand was enough confirmation to tell me who it was. I leaned back instantly to accept Harry’s kind gesture which emanated a deep chuckle to fall from his lips. I frowned at feeling his arms leave my neck but I realised why because I felt the couch dip a little on the opposite side. I gave him a smile and glanced down to the half-filled in applications sitting on my lap. I didn’t have much left to do for them anyway, only health checks and small things like that. I couldn’t exactly fill in my grades yet because I won’t know for about a month. 

“How is it going? And what are you applying for?”

I looked to face Harry and froze in shock at just how close his face was to my own- I could smell that familiar peppermint that I loved. I switched the applications to the front and handed them over to Harry to see what I was applying for.

Music – Oxford University.  
English Language and Literature – Oxford University.  
Comparative Literature – University College London.  
English – University College London.  
Education Studies – University College London.

He handed me the papers back and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as if silently saying “Good luck.” It wasn’t easy to get in at all and on top of that it is ridiculously expensive and I will likely be in debt for twenty years in order to pay off every loan. It wasn’t long before Harry had to go upstairs again to finish up a new song so I picked up the pen again and quickly completed all of the application forms. I let out a large breath of relief once I had finally finished and it seemed like it was just the nick of time because I heard the steady thump of someone jogging downstairs. I swung my head to the side to see Harry jumping down the last couple of steps and from the large grin he had on his face he was done for the day. He does love what he does, but I know for a fact that he hates the extremely early mornings much like today which saw him having to leave at 4:30A.M. I know I most certainly couldn’t do that without looking like a walking zombie every single second of the day like every other normal person. 

“Are you finished, love?”

He asked which got my attention and I nodded slightly. At least all the stressful things were now gone with my life. No more arguing with my mum, no more exams, and no more secrets from Harry. I swung my arms gently around his neck and linked my fingers within one another- I felt Harry’s arms swing around my lower back to hold me close. He leaned in which naturally made me assume he was leaning in for a kiss so I began leaning in as well. I frowned in a mixture of disappointment and embarrassment when I felt his cheek press against mine as he whispered softly in my ear;

“It will be exactly a year since we first met tomorrow Louis.”

\---

Excitement was bubbling away inside of me at whatever Harry had planned for the day. A year, it feels a hell of a lot longer than that since we first met. There has been so much happening in such little time recently and it has really messed up my brain. I looked out of my window to see the sun blazing down from the sky; it was good to have summer back because I was getting severely fed up of snow and ice. I had already been out today with my mum so we could slowly begin to connect once more but it was going to take time. 

She had spoken with someone over her addiction and she was advised to go completely cold turkey. Whenever she was feeling the urge to grab a bottle of some kind of alcoholic beverage all she had to do was pick up the phone and get some advice. It was helping though because I have already began seeing her true personality shining through and not the hollow person she became after the divorce. I haven’t really spoken to Mark since but he had moved to the opposite end of London which made visiting a bit difficult. It already was hard to spend time with him before anyway because he was always on business trips so it wasn’t too hard on any of us. 

I debated chancing the nice weather or not because with the track record of this country, a thunder storm is definitely possible. I decided I would and pulled on some ripped medium blue jeans and a white tank top. To be safe though I pulled on a hoodie and sighed at the slight warmth that rippled through my body in small waves. I sent a text to Harry not long ago and he replied that he was picking me up in around ten minutes. I was excited to go out because we never really got the chance to do so with him working so much. We’ve only ever went on three dates and two of them were practically ruined because the press found us despite Harry attempting to pull the exact same distraction as our first date; which unfortunately failed horribly.

We’ve been dating for nine months and we have only been on three dates- it was actually quite sad to think about that. I shook my head to rid myself of these thoughts, making a silent agreement mentally to enjoy tonight no matter what happens. From the subtle vibration of my phone I knew that Harry was outside. I slid the small device in and grabbed my own set of house keys just in case my mum goes out with the girls for the day because I don’t fancy the idea of being locked outside.

My eyes widened at seeing Harry’s own car there, I’m so used to him having someone else to chauffer us around in now that it is strange to think about. As much as I hate to admit it, I was slowly getting used to this A-List lifestyle even though I absolutely hate being seen as something special simply because of my boyfriend. It makes me feel like I treat him like some sort of trophy or gateway into the higher classes. I grinned wide though when I registered that Harry was leaning against the shiny black vehicle. He leaned forward a bit and pulled me into a tight hug,

“Happy somewhat one-year anniversary love, even though that technically isn’t for another three months.”

I couldn’t hold in the small chuckle at the statement and leaned up a couple of inches to lock my lips with his. Seen as neither of us is into a lot of public displays of affection we broke apart after a few seconds as Harry proceeded to open the door for me. It caused me to roll my eyes but inside I was giddy that he was such a gentleman. He ran over to his side and quickly slid in and despite it being warm outside the hot air blasting me in the face was an amazing sensation. We began our journey and no matter how many times I asked Harry where we were going he was annoyingly keeping his lips sealed which was irritating the living daylights out of me.

Roughly an hour had gone by before he parked up in what looked like a muddy campsite but as soon as my eyes took in the sight in front of us my inner child was screaming loudly. Bright lights surrounded us as soon as we both stepped out from the vehicle and annoyingly catchy songs were playing. A carnival. It was kind of cheesy but it was nice to do all of the normal cliché shit that couples should be able to do without being hassled. I brought out my wallet and was about to pay for my own ticket but Harry had already pulled out a note and handed it over. He didn’t say anything but he silently told me that he was once again going to pay for everything.

First we both walked around to see what there was and I had to laugh loud at spotting Harry’s face taking on a questionable shade of green when he spotted a waltzer. Wordlessly I concluded that I would get him on it before the day had ended. We did get a few funny stares but no one really came up to us- accepting that this was one of the rare times we get to spend as two people in a relationship. It’s been a month nearly now since Harry told me absolutely everything and as sickening as it was, it had somehow made us stronger. 

We didn’t even hesitate to link our hands which did get us a few more funny looks but we weren’t caring. This day was simply going to be about us and no one else. We played the stupid games that were available and I had to hide my annoyed grunt as Harry was acing almost every single one of them. He did win a giant teddy bear though so the only thing I’m going to complain about is that I can hardly see passed the large stuffed toy. After a few minutes of struggling Harry seemed to understand because he took it and left to go put it in his car, telling me to meet him at the food stall area.

I scanned through what there was to eat but ultimately just decided on the most obvious thing that was a hotdog and chips- Harry getting the same except he doused his in mustard which made me grimace. I honestly don’t understand how anyone can eat that vile stuff and not throw up. I chuckled though at seeing the putrid yellow substance on the tip of Harry’s nose. I was tempted to not tell him and watch him struggle but I knew that would be a bit too mean despite how entertaining it would be for me and anyone else in general. 

Once we had finished our food we decided to go on a couple of the rides and much to my amusement Harry gave in to my pleading to go on the waltzer. It may have only lasted a few minutes but my neck hurt a right bitch from all of the spinning and I was having trouble figuring out my messed up vision because I was so dizzy. I filmed Harry though secretly because he did look like he was drunk after it which told me he does not go well with fast rides. We spent roughly another hour there before walking back to the car to begin on the journey back to our respective homes. I didn’t want the night to end but it had to eventually. He dropped me back home but he didn’t hesitate to lean over the gap between our seats to kiss me before whispering;

“I love you, Louis.”

I may have heard it over one hundred times by now but every single time he said that simple phrase butterflies erupted in my stomach and a warm feeling completely enveloped me in a comforting embrace.

“I love you, Harry.”


	37. Thirty-Six.

It was finally the day.

It was today Harry was releasing that documentary and personally to say I was nervous is a giant understatement. I don't even know why I am nervous because this is an extremely personal part of Harry's life that I was never a part of. This happened years ago and even then it might not be completely accurate as Harry himself didn't even see the bullying first hand- Marcel went to a different school. I know that this scared Harry a little bit because he wants this to be as accurate as possible but he frustratingly knows it will never be one hundred percent.

It wasn't only this that I was worried about however; I was asked to go to one of Harry's meetings with his management for reasons I do not know. I think I know deep down though why they want me in there and it will likely be them telling us to be a lot more discrete with our relationship. Despite Harry being very open about his sexuality they are still convinced that it harms his image as a nineteen-year-old singer. I had to shake my head at the stupid thought, if his sexuality was going to harm his image he wouldn't be one of the biggest singers around right now. He had only released one album and has another one due to drop in a couple of months but he had made a huge stamp on the music industry as a whole. It made me very proud to say that he was mine.

I suppose I had better dress a bit nicer and try not to look like some psychotic serial killer or something. I smiled a little bit as an incredibly stupid joke Harry told me a couple of days ago resurfaced in my head. It basically consisted of him stating that someone tried to make a password for something as beef stew but it wasn't accepted because it wasn't stroganoff. I had looked at him like he had suddenly grown five heads when he buckled over in hysterical laughter at the lame joke. As much as I hated to admit it though, it was a funny one which was rare because all of Harry's jokes are ridiculously awful. I snorted in pure amusement before pulling on a simple t-shirt and plain blue jeans.

Harry had already texted me that his driver was coming to pick me up on the way back from his early morning studio session. It was only 11am but Harry had already been recording for almost five hours today. I am glad that I am not a singer if it meant such early starts. I love my sleep far too much and would probably be the equivalent of a pissed off female on her period. Unfortunately, being the only boy out of five I have dealt with that far too many times to count. Whenever any of my sisters get their time of the month I always make a mental note to avoid anything that will irritate them otherwise I would probably have lost the ability to ever have children in the future.

I jumped in fright when my phone rang seen as I forgot to take it off loud with my alarm this morning. I checked the text and noticed they were only a few streets away so I picked up the small device and my set of keys before running downstairs to wait at the end of my driveway. The girls were all still in school right now as they have another month before they break up for summer. I knew I was going to take full advantage of my free time away from them. I obviously love all of them to pieces but being the only boy in a house full of girls is not fun.

I was only standing for about half a minute when a familiar black van pulled over onto the kerb. I ignored the bright flash from the side and slid in the back- I really don't like paparazzi. A year ago I thought that famous people were over exaggerating about how annoying they were, but I now knew first hand just how blood boiling it was. It was even more annoying for me because it makes me feel like I'm using Harry to make a name for myself which is complete and utter bullshit. I turned my head to the side when I felt Harry's face inch closer to mine allowing our lips to conjoin for a short amount of time. In public we always try to keep the affection to a minimum which is fine for the both of us. I jokingly gave the driver a scowl when he made a fake gagging noise in the front- another large snort leaving my nose when Harry gave him his middle finger. He should be used to us kissing in this car by now. The car ride was surprisingly only fifteen minutes. I felt Harry squeeze my hand gently which made me turn to look at him in confusion as he rarely does that.

"It's not going to change us, just ignore them when they spit any homophobic crap ok?"

I nodded but I felt a bit nervous now. I knew his management were rather homophobic already but I've never witnessed it first-hand. I can remember Harry telling me when we were still friends that they were about to drop him from his contract when he came out as gay without permission. They only kept him on when Simon offered them an extra million to the contract each year in order to keep him. I found it amusing when I was first told of this, but now I was nervous. I don't even know why; I just have a weird sensation in my stomach currently.

We both slid out of the vehicle, still not dropping our hands whilst multiple flashes were on us once again. I forced myself to not retaliate by yelling shit at them for getting in on our private lives. I hated to admit it but hardly anything was private about my life now, it hasn't since I met Harry. If it is a small price I have to pay to be in love with someone then I guess I just have to put up with it. Perhaps over time I would finally get used to it and it wouldn't annoy me ever again.

White.

The second we walked inside the very large and rather intimidating building was all I saw. The floor was a pristine white marble which was polished so much that I could see my own reflection in each individual tile. The walls were also painted in the same blinding shade of the colour and I couldn't stop my brain from thinking hospital. A few people walked by us and I swear I have never felt so much power radiate off of someone in my life. Harry led me over to the end of the corridor into the lift as he pressed the '6' button which is where I'm guessing this meeting is.

Nerves were bubbling up inside of me again because I still don't know why I was asked to accompany Harry to this meeting. I was delighted to get to spend more time with him obviously but this was such a weird thing to be asked to do. I've only ever been to one official event with Harry and I blushed simply as we first officially said that we loved each other- even though we did say it first seven months before. Gosh, it still doesn't seem right that it's been more than a year since I met Harry. We first met at the end of May 2012 and its now mid-June 2013.

We both stepped out of the lift and once again my eyes screwed shut as that same blinding shade of white was all I could see. This place seemed far too perfect and I suppose I may be seeing the ugly side to all of this as like Harry has said on multiple occasions- a lot of his management team is homophobic. We walked to the end of the corridor and Harry pressed some sort of buzzer. The doors opened a few seconds later and we both walked in.

Suits. That was the first thing I noticed. There was around twenty people sitting down at a very large round table and two seats were free. We both sat down and I hesitantly glanced at everyone looking at the two of us. Everyone here just screamed business and sophistication and the aura was silently suffocating me. I crossed my legs underneath the desk in a futile attempt at trying to hide my nerves as my gaze shifted from the people staring and at Harry's unamused face.

"You know why you are here Harry, and we will be getting to you soon Louis."

The man who spoke looked to be in his mid-forties and his face was hardened. I didn't fail at noticing the disgusted look in his eyes which I knew was over the single fact that I was Harry's boyfriend. I nodded anyway in acknowledgement and leaned back in my seat as they all turned to Harry. For the next twenty minutes they all fired questions at him over this documentary as they had all seen the footage earlier. I had to bite my tongue to stop intervening when a woman made a comment along with a very unattractive snort as Harry was explaining depression to them. I felt Harry tense beside me and I gently gripped his knee and squeezed it in reassurance.

His actions were enough to tell me that he really did not want to be in here, which made two of us. They finally decided that they would indeed air it tonight and someone left to make the call to create a time slot. I caught someone sneer in disgust when they realised I was gripping Harry's knee under the wood and I scrunched my free hand into a fist in anger. Harry really wasn't kidding when he said that his management were a bunch of homophobic arseholes because I haven't even said anything yet. I zoned out for the majority of it and I was beginning to question why I was here in the first place but I soon heard my name come into conversation;

"At least you and Lewis no longer need to lie with each other in public."

I frowned in confusion at the statement- was I missing something here? With those few words I could instantly feel the anger radiating from Harry which caused me to turn to him in curiosity. I also tried to hide my annoyance at the mispronunciation of my name.

"We don't lie in public, just because you all can't accept my sexuality doesn't mean that you act like it’s a fucking lie. I'm gay- get over it."

His mouth instantly turned into a scowl which was something I had never seen adorn his face before. What the fuck did they even mean? I wasn't understanding the purpose of this at all. Another woman who had her ash blonde hair pulled into an incredibly tight bun that looked like it was on the verge of scalping her leaned over with a sickly sweet smile on her face and said in a ridiculously posh sounding accent;

"We know you are only with him for publicity Harry, it has worked because now we can get you back to being norm- "

She was instantly cut off when Harry stood up at his full height, anger radiating off of him in huge waves. I now understood what was going on. I knew they were all lying though because I know Harry far too well and I know that he would never use someone. I tried to control my breathing because my mind was beginning to go all over the place. I watched Harry lean over and give everyone in here such a filthy look that if looks could kill they would be burning in hell currently. His shoulders shook a little only showcasing his anger even more as he said in a rather threatening tone;

"How dare you say that I have been using Louis for publicity. Just for everyone's information in here we were together long before he knew any of this so you have some nerve saying shit like that. Also, this wasn't originally a documentary- it was originally my counsellor’s idea for me to try to find a way to control my mentality which I haven't told anyone in here about. You are all pissed that you can't control me and that isn't going to change because I'm not a puppet! If you can't accept that I am gay that is your problem and not mine, don't try and break me up with someone I love. We will be leaving now."

He didn't leave much room for argument so I got up and followed him outside, rage still coming off of him in huge waves. Each one of them crashing even more into me. I've never seen Harry angry before and I do not want to see it again as it was terrifying. It was a silent rage but that was even more scary than seeing him get physically angry in that room. I was angry myself too at them accusing him of using me but a niggling feeling was eating away at me now. Was he using me? I shook my head because if he was he wouldn't have completely opened up to me and let me see him at his weakest. I jumped when Harry slammed the car door shut once we had slid inside; he was taking a lot of very sharp breaths in an attempt to calm down.

I grabbed hold of his cheeks and turned his face to look directly at me and once again I was completely enamoured in the beauty of him. His jaw was chiselled to perfection, his dimples indenting slightly, cheekbones incredibly defined. It should not be legal for someone to be that good looking and that is final. I am one lucky bastard to call him mine and I know that. I stroked his cheek a little and said a lot of quiet words trying to get him to calm down. The driver was giving us an odd look in the rear view mirror but thankfully didn't say anything. Eventually the angry aura disappeared and his normal expression was on his face once again.

"I'm so sorry you saw me like that love. They just piss me off so much and I guess it was worse when they said I was using you for publicity."

The driver let out a weird squeaking noise which worked wonders because we were all soon laughing. We were now making our way to Harry's flat and I really felt like jumping into a hot Jacuzzi in order to melt off some steam. I will now be trying all I can to avoid these meetings if they are anything like the one we were just in. Some people really are just close minded arseholes. There are no other words to describe it because they were all incredibly uptight, snobby, and a million other vulgar words.

The car soon pulled into a parking spot and we slid out of the vehicle again, the driver wishing us a good afternoon before driving away. We both took our time walking up all of the stairs and I saw Harry lean against the wall and exhale deeply- probably blowing off any last bit of anger because he had obviously figured that he did terrify me with his threatening stance back there. He didn't look like a nineteen-year-old singer, he looked like a thirty-year-old boxer or something. Yeah, angry Harry I do not want to ever see again. He walked over again and pulled me into a tight hug which reassured me massively.

He seemed to read my mind because he just stated Jacuzzi and I chuckled a little. I think we both deserve some kind of pampering after that heated argument with his management. We slipped off our clothes apart from our boxers before stepping into the heated, bubbling water. The tension in my body disappeared the second my skin came in contact and Harry wrapped an arm around me to keep my side pressed to his chest. I looked up into his emerald eyes to which he responded by leaning down to softly kiss me. Like every other time we have kissed an electric feeling rippled through my veins which seemingly stopped my heart for a split second. He leaned down again and pressed his forehead against mine, our noses bumping awkwardly in between us. He was giving me such an intense look that just screamed love and lust. I'm pretty sure my eyes are the same as his. His plump pink lips split and his deep angelic voice rung throughout the room;

"Let me show you how much I love you Louis."

With those simple words my boxers suddenly became extremely uncomfortable. I turned onto my side again and leaned over to connect my lips with my boyfriends. The slightly calloused skin met mine in very soft, loving movements. Perfectly in sync. That same electrifying feeling was pouring through me. I leaned my head back and I soon felt his lips attach to my jugular, sucking gently on the sensitive skin and creating goosebumps all over my body. I already knew this wasn't going to escalate to actual sex because I don't think either of us are ready. I couldn't deny my brain from thinking two separate scenarios though. One was Harry leaning over me with my back pressed deep into a mattress as he fucked me over and over. The other being me on top of Harry, repeating the same actions whilst he was thrashing in complete orgasmic bliss.

If these two single beautiful thoughts ever occur and if they are anything like the small fantasy, I cannot wait to completely give myself to Harry as I'm pretty certain we will eventually get to that stage. I gasped at feeling him bite down on a spot just above my collarbone. A spot which only created about a million more goosebumps to come to the surface of my skin and even bigger waves to crash over my body leaving me completely at Harry's mercy. He knew this too and he was playing it to his advantage which I was all too happy with. His lips trailed agonisingly slow along my collarbone and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I grabbed hold of his chin, forced his head up to look at me and crashed my lips against his.

A deep moan emanated from deep within his toned, tattooed chest which sounded like a hum, but it still turned me on insane amounts. I soon felt his tongue press against where our faces joined and I didn't hesitate to open up a little so he could slide it into my mouth, only making the kiss even more heated than before. A friction from below caused me to pant loudly as the euphoria pulsed through my bloodstream, that friction coming from both of our throbbing cocks. I arched my back when I felt his fingers dip into the waistband which set me on edge on the spot but I held it in, despite how difficult it was to do so.

I swivelled my hips against his which caused him to arch his back and in turn pressing his bare chest closer to mine. I could feel each individual slightly pronounced abdominal muscle against my skin I gripped hold of his bulging bicep and threw my head back in complete bliss at feeling his hand slip into the thin material and engulf my length. I was panting hard against his mouth and his tongue was still exploring my mouth. I let out another moan when he flicked his thumb against my tip which I could already feel was leaking precum. I don't think I've ever been this turned on in my entire life and the love that was in each passionate move that he made was absolutely amazing. He was definitely proving to me how much he loved me right now. He flicked his thumb a few more times whilst still snogging me and it wasn't long until I finally reached my climax. My high only lasted a few seconds but all of the pleasure that was still in my blood and coating my skin was more than satisfactory.

"I love you so fucking much, Louis. Please never question that."

I leaned in again to kiss him before stating just as firmly as he did;

"I fucking love you too, Harry. I will never question that."


	38. Thirty-Seven.

The next few days had come and gone. Much like I had expected the response had been strange. Some people were extremely proud of Harry for doing what he did and had sent in numerous compliments over his courage to open up so much. There were a few people though who were furious and I had received so many filthy looks in the street whenever I was with Harry or with friends. They obviously figured out that I knew everything beforehand even if it wasn't for long at all, but they thought I had a voice in the matter- which I didn't. After all, the entire thing had already been filmed and was in the process of being edited together by the time Harry told me. People just didn't want to believe that though.

I don't get why people seemed to really dislike Harry for his actions when it really was out of his control. Yes, he came up with the idea of filming a few weeks but it wasn't his choice to do it initially. It was pretty much those he was closest too who encouraged him to try and help him gain more control over his very unstable mentality. I've never even seen Harry really upset and I don't think I ever want to. I've already seen him sad and that effectively ripped my heart up in pieces considering I love him to bits. It really is a bizarre situation but I definitely couldn't complain.

Harry and I had been spending at least an hour each day at one another's homes. Relationship wise we haven't really changed much despite showing our affection in slightly more intimate ways. We were taking it very slow and truthfully I was quite happy. I've only ever had sex once before and I do and don't regret it. In one sense I do regret giving away my virginity to James, but I'm glad because it means I'm also more experienced in the most intimate way to show your love to someone. I chuckled softly because there are so many people nowadays hitting it and quitting it. I've never seen the point in all of that, I've always stuck by only sharing intimate moments with someone you love deeply.

The last few days my phone had been blowing up even more than it usually was because Harry and I had been sending each other lovey-dovey shit on Twitter which was causing numerous trends and even more rumours to float around. I smirked a little at the reason we were doing so. After the entire thing with Harry blowing up at his management for trying to break us up he had simply stated that he wanted to piss them off even more. It was working because I had been asked to go into another meeting a couple of days later and they were all sporting incredibly sour looks on their faces. Like Harry said though, no one owns him. He is his own person and he won't let other people tell him how he should live his own life.

Last night though I decided to bite my tongue and actually watch the entire thing for myself. I may have witnessed some of it first-hand but as I stared at the screen on my laptop I realised how bad it actually was. At the beginning it was just Harry walking along a street I vaguely remembered as the street the graveyard was situated. I've only been there once and I don't feel like going there again. It was a far too tense and awkward atmosphere when I was first told everything. Next it was just Harry talking a little bit about depression and what can lead up to a person’s mind reverting to such a constant dark place.

It still never really sunk in when he finally stated what happened with Marcel and a lot of people also either didn't believe it or were finding it incredibly difficult to admit. Bullying is such a horrifying thing and it really should be illegal, it really is disgusting that it just seems to be accepted in society. After that though, I found it really difficult to watch the rest of it knowing that it was someone I love deeply getting hurt like that. Even though the situation is extremely fucked up, I know it worked for Harry. It did sound incredibly bizarre and I have no idea what happened but I am so glad that it did work for him.

I was also slowly rekindling my relationship with my mum and we had spent yesterday shopping. As usual I got a fair few funny looks by people who recognised me because I'm dating Harry but I ignored them for the most part. I was asked a couple of questions but I answered truthfully. We spent a fair few hours in the centre of the city which was almost like a Third World War starting. It was a bit stupid of us to go shopping in the centre of London knowing that the summer sales had all started and we had stuck to the high street shops. We did avoid Bond Street like the plague though because I still felt horrible for Harry spending however many thousand on that one single suit that I would probably never wear again. I much prefer my normal jeans and hoodies.

To put it simply, by the time I had succeeded in watching it, I was a hysterical and sobbing mess. It was horrifying knowing that Harry's younger twin brother's last days were full of that. That must have been his breaking point then and this thought scared me. From what I know Harry hasn't ever fully reached breaking point and I'm terrified in case he does. I swore right then that I would always be there for him even if he doesn't like it. Marcel pushed Harry away all of those years ago to the point that Harry just left it and look where that went. I knew deep down that if he ever did finally tip over the edge he is standing on I would not be able to live with myself. He needed someone to be there for him who wasn't family in a sense and I was more than willing to stand up to the mark.

The knock on the door startled me a bit even though I already knew who it was. I jogged downstairs and swung it open before pulling on a denim jacket seen as it was finally starting to get really warm outside. It's about time otherwise I'm pretty certain I would be nothing but ice by now that is how cold it's been. I chuckled a little when the six foot three monster pulled me into a brotherly hug. I feel like an absolute midget to him. I know that five nine isn't exactly short but compared to someone whose shoulder I barely reach my height is quite embarrassing. Maybe I should make more friends who are of a similar height so I no longer feel so tiny next to him.

We both more or less decided to just drive around for the day, not really planning on going anywhere. We very rarely do this but it was too nice a day to sit in and do fuck all. I slid into his Mercedes and shut the door behind me, Chad doing exactly the same beside me. We haven't had time to hang out as much the last week so we decided to make the most of a nice day by catching up. For a good hour we didn't really say much, just enjoying the peace. The silence didn't last for much longer as Chad asked;

"Did you see it?"

He didn't even need to explain what he was talking about because I already knew. If he was asking me that meant that he also knew and he was a bit confused about whether I knew about it beforehand or found out a few days ago like everyone else. I sighed a little bit and nodded slightly, knowing he was currently looking at me through his peripheral vision considering he was the one driving currently. He didn't openly question me further on the topic but I knew he was silently waiting on me to elaborate. So with another long sigh I said;

"I've only known for a month. I figured out that well, Marcel and Harry were the same person and I naturally freaked out over it and I ended things between us. I jumped to conclusions though by thinking it was just some stupid Hannah Montana shit or something along those lines. A week later though he texted me and he just said that he wanted to tell me everything, before I could think twice over it I had agreed. I thought in a way that if I got some kind of closure I would be able to no longer mope about being single again."

He made a small humming noise as he understood perfectly well why I had reacted the way that I did over everything.

"So I drove to his flat and well- he was crying a lot. I guess I knew he was thinking similarly to me but we still didn't get back together then- I wanted and needed to know everything before it fucked with my mind any more than it already had. We just sat down and he wasted no time in telling me that Marcel was his twin brother. I figured there was a lot more to it than I initially thought and then he took me to a graveyard. He just said that he needed to show me so that I would believe him."

A small tear fell from my eye which I quickly wiped from the top of my cheek and looked outside at all of the buildings racing passed us. This was nice. Chad made a strange noise which caused me to look at him curiously. I frowned at seeing he was biting his cheeks- a weird habit he has always had for when he was thinking of saying something but didn't know how to say it.

"He took you to Marcel's grave, didn't he?"

I muttered out a quiet yes because I didn't want to tell him that his older sister, his mum and stepdad are also buried there. It wouldn't be right for me to tell someone without having Harry's approval. It is Harry's life and no one else's.

"We talked. For hours. He just sat there and told me absolutely everything and I guess I knew that I couldn't end things with him after hearing it all. He had a very good reason to not tell me and I understood and I respected that. When he finished we went back to his flat and we talked more over what was going to happen between us friendship/relationship wise. As much as I wanted to get up and leave, I just couldn't. Fuck Chad, I'm still really young."

There. I had finally said it out loud and it felt fucking good to get it out there. I didn't even need to elaborate further because Chad let out a small squeaking noise telling me he knew exactly what I meant with that. He pulled the car over onto the side of the street we were on. He turned in his seat and gaped at me.

"You think you've found the one?"

I bit my lip and looked down at my feet which were suddenly interesting. My silence was all the confirmation he needed and he sucked in a sharp breath. He knew that I was a bit terrified of the small fact that my heart is screaming these feelings and thoughts.

"I don't think so Chad, I'm pretty sure I know so and its fucking terrifying."

He was at a loss for words. I know for a fact that this isn't strange at all for people in relationships, it's simply because I'm still a teenager and I'm thinking of things like this. Chad shook his head lightly and leaned over to pull me in for another brotherly hug. I didn't expect him to say anything though.

"I knew by the way. I knew in some roundabout way that Harry and Marcel were the same."

I pulled back in shock and gave him a wide-eyed look. He nodded to confirm my thoughts even though they hadn't even processed. How long has he known then? He licked his lips to dampen them before saying quietly;

"I saw the two of you leave your English exam. I caught the pair of you looking at each other and I recognised it as the way you look at Harry, Louis. It just clicked there but I kept my mouth shut because I figured there was something big going on and I didn't want to jump to conclusions."

My eyes widened more in shock. I forgot at times just how observant Chad was and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. There really was no point in pondering over everything right now because it is out there now. Everyone knows now that Harry was an identical twin at one point and they also now know that he has been battling depression ever since then. Although, I knew different. Harry was obviously suffering in silence secretly probably long before Marcel even died. If he didn't, then Harry is probably some superhuman who cannot feel any kind of emotion until it finally bubbles over. I snapped out of it when I felt Chad nip my arm which I returned with a rather murderous glare.

"Think about it, in three weeks we get to see Olly again."

\---

I smiled deviously in thought, Chad giving me an equally devilish grin. He hung up the phone and it took us only a few seconds to burst out laughing. We had decided to surprise our fellow best friend by not telling him we were visiting, and now we had gotten his parents in on it. They were basically giving us permission to scare the living day lights out of Olly and numerous pranks were circulating in my mind. From one single look at Chad I knew he was the same.

I got off of my bed and threw my charger into my suitcase seen as Harry was picking us both up. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to see Harry for about a month unless we fly out to each other because he now has a U.S. tour. On top of that he is still recording his second album. I just had to bite the bullet and accept that this is what I get for being in a relationship with a professional singer. I watched in amusement at Chad running around his flat looking for his shoe which I had hidden from him when he wasn't looking. I may as well have some kind of fun before our seven-hour flight to Miami.

After a good ten minutes of this he turned to me and he saw the humoured look on my face. He groaned when he realised that I knew where it was and I was just looking for entertainment. I pointed over to his wardrobe and he let out a very loud sigh of relief at seeing his missing Doc Marten. At this I broke down into hysterical laughter which only got even more obnoxious when he gave me his middle finger to show how pissed off he was with me. It wouldn't last longer than a few minutes anyway which was why I wasn't worried about it. We can never stay mad at each other for long. A car horn from outside broke me from my laughter before I stood up and grabbed my large suitcase. A few seconds later a knock was heard and I had swung the door open. Chad had a bit of a bewildered expression on his face but I didn't as I had easily recognised Chris. Chad was about to ask who he was when I said;

"This is Chris, Chad. He's Harry's bodyguard."

His eyes widened in understanding whilst Chris grabbed both of our suitcases and began heaving them downstairs. We would have taken the lift but there was currently a large sign on the door saying it was out of order and neither of us fancied the idea of being stuck in a claustrophobic lift for however long. The summer heat instantly wrapped around my body when we were outside and we both slid in the back. I furrowed my brows at seeing Harry wasn't here. I didn't need to say anything because Chris stated once he took his seat in front;

"Picking him up right now, need to go in the back way though because people figured out the password and are camping around to try and meet him."

I rolled my eyes a little. It is understandable really why people do it but it is still a major breech of privacy. If the tables were turned I don't think they would like it if a bunch of strangers decided to camp out in front of their house. The car ride was pretty silent apart from the distant sound of the radio of some rock channel. I didn't recognise the way we were going but I eventually figured we probably had to go in a different way unless we wanted to get bombarded by whoever is camping outside of Harry's. Eventually we pulled up in a small side street and I did spot the familiar block a few metres away which was deserted.

Harry came out soon with his own suitcase being dragged behind him. Chris slid out to help him hoist it into the boot before sliding in next to me. I could spot Chad giving me teasing looks in jest and I caught Chris give us both an equally mischievous look. I frowned at this, I should have known. For the next forty minutes that we spent travelling to Heathrow, the pair of them were doing everything they could to embarrass Harry and I. I have never been so glad to get out of a confined space with my best friend in my life but I knew he was now going to take the piss out of me for the entire flight and I was not looking forward to that.

Chris huddled us all together which caused my best friend to let out an awkward huff at being pressed up against me but Chris silenced him with a look. I was kind of used to this now whenever we had to go somewhere because people obviously knew that Harry was flying out of the country today so they would be hounding him. I still got a fright at all of the flashes from expensive cameras and the loud scream from Harry's fans. Harry stopped a couple of times to sign a few autographs and to take a few pictures but he couldn't do that for long because Chris was ushering us quickly to the departures area of the airport.

I frowned however when I realised that Chris was leading all of us away from the gates and I looked at Harry to see if he noticed this. I soon realised that he wasn't confused but when I looked at Chad I could see he was sporting the exact same confused facial expression as I was. I decided to bite my tongue because the other two people with us knew exactly where we were going. We were soon outside and my eyes widened in realisation.

"No fucking way."

Chad's exclamation echoed my thoughts perfectly. I should have expected this coming from Harry but it was still a huge shock. Private plans. I turned to face Harry to see he was looking down sheepishly.

"I'll leave you two lovebirds here then."

It was Chris who said it and I sent him a jokingly filthy look because I couldn't stay mad at him even if I tried. Harry also glared at him and my best friend walked after the ex-bodybuilder that was Harry's bodyguard.

"Fuck off, Chris."

I heard him laugh from a few metres away before I looked at Harry again and leaned up a couple of inches to wrap my arms around his neck. I may hate it when he buys me anything but right now I wasn't angry. I knew he hired out the jet so we could get some much needed privacy.

"I thank you so fucking much, Harry Styles!"

The small exclamation from my best friend was enough to send us both into hysterical laughter. Only Chad. I tightened my grip on Harry's neck for a little longer before beginning to close the gap. He let out a short chuckle and met me in the middle. Unfortunately, we couldn't kiss for long because once again Chad yelled;

"Keep the public displays of affection to level zero please!"

I greeted him with my middle finger before jumping into a different plane from Harry, promising to text him as soon as we landed. We were heading to Miami and he was heading to New York City.


	39. Thirty-Eight.

As much as I hated to say it, I most definitely preferred flying this way. I don't ever need to worry about being stuck sitting beside someone who stank of body odour, don't need to shove passed people to get to a bathroom, don't need to worry about the regular shitty programs that they played on the tiny televisions on the back of the seat in front, and I most definitely don't have to deal with a whiny brat kicking the back of the seat constantly. We were both roughly around five hours into our flight, so we had just over two left. It was currently 1pm in British Standard Time which meant it would be 3pm in our time zone, meaning that when we land it will still be early morning. My guess is around 9am.

This came in very handy for us because Olly absolutely despises being awake before noon, which gave us both the perfect opportunity to surprise and piss off at the exact same time. I would need to make sure I get at least one picture that captures his face when we reveal ourselves as he still has no idea that we are flying out.

The past two hours, Chad and I were both thinking up numerous ways to prank him throughout this trip seen as we were staying for a fortnight. We had already ruled out the most common one that was waking him up unexpectedly because neither of us wanted to risk getting a broken nose. Olly is not a morning person and I would know first-hand. The last time I unexpectedly woke him from his deep slumber I received a black eye in response. At least he felt awful for it afterwards but I still winced whilst remembering the shooting pain.

I let myself fall back onto the expensive leather seats and curled my legs around until I was sitting on my feet. This was definitely something I would not mind getting used to. Chad was also thinking the same as for the first ten minutes he was rambling on about how much he 'loved' Harry for hiring out a private plane for us to use. The only thing that kept me from going ballistic for saying that about my boyfriend was the fact that he is not attracted to the same sex. That was why I knew he didn't really mean it the way he was portraying it.

I really couldn't deny that I loved this A-List treatment myself because yes, I'm loving this. I knew that I could never let myself get used to it or take it for granted because it could all disappear. Like Harry has said on numerous occasions, the music scene is extremely unpredictable and he could easily lose it and be forgotten. His fans probably wouldn't forget him but everyone else would never care for him again if that ever happened. I'll just need to see this as the present and not as what my life may be like if this relationship does work out in the long run.

The two hours went by rather quickly and truthfully, I didn't want to get up from the very comfortable and warm seat. Then again, it would likely be really warm outside seen as it is Florida. I had only come here once on holiday a few years ago when my mum and Mark had taken us all to Orlando for Félicité's birthday. Stupidly I only packed one pair of shorts and a few pairs of jeans which I instantly regretted when my body was thrust into the drastically different climate. Hence why I had made sure to pack a lot of shorts this time around.

Like I suspected, a warm gust of air wrapped around my body the second I stepped off the plane and was on solid ground. I had to grab onto a lamppost to gain my balance because I had now gotten used to being in the air. I looked around at the unfamiliar area knowing that we had landed about a mile outside the actual city. It was still quite dark outside but I could see a very faint orange glow to my right which was probably the sun rising more. It was still light enough to see around though and it didn't take me long to spot a grey Mercedes van with blacked out windows. I don't know if this was because of Harry or because of Olly's parents since they are all in on it but I still wasn't going to complain.

I let out a loud yawn which made me roll my eyes in annoyance. Jet lag is the one thing I hate most about travelling to different countries. I think everyone hates it though and it doesn't help being thrust into a different time zone either. Chad and I both heaved our suitcases out of the plane and walked over to the car, the person driving it opening the boot so we wouldn't be squashed inside the vehicle. Once we were inside we began our journey to Olly's home. I was quite excited to go there because I've only ever seen pictures of the large five-bedroom mansion he lived in which did boast a large outdoor swimming pool. I'm sure we will all be making really good use of that during this fortnight.

I watched in awe as the buildings of the city came into view, all completely individual from the next. We drove through what seemed to be a pretty busy road during the day which had a few shops and restaurants on it. We were moving fast though so I couldn't pay attention to the signs to see the names. It was roughly twenty minutes when we pulled into a gated street which told me that Olly's home was up here somewhere. My eyes widened in shock at seeing the numerous mansions which sat on either side of the street. Quite honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a house as big as these in my whole life.

Near the end of the street I breathed a sigh of relief at recognising the sandy brown and white building that I have only ever seen in pictures. I let out another loud yawn, already knowing I would need to sleep for a couple of hours to adjust my body clock because I don't want to go nocturnal here. The man who was driving the car got out and helped us both remove our heavy suitcases which we both thanked him for. We looked up at the house and gave each other a look of shock- it was a hell of a lot bigger than it looked over a laptop screen. The only thing I do know for certain is that this home cost well over the seven-digit region, there is no way it couldn't.

Chad sent a quick text message- glad that he had purchased an extension to his contract that allowed him to use his actual phone over here and not having to pay a ridiculous charge every minute used. I had done the same because I don't have a lot of money and I refuse to take any from my mum and I definitely refuse to take money from Harry. He has tried so often to buy me something expensive but I always tell him no. The only things I have accepted was that one suit, the plane tickets and the plane that took us here. It wasn't long until the front door swung open and a very familiar stocky man who stood at an impressive six foot five inches tall with a faint black beard adorning his cheeks appeared. Chad and I both leapt forward into a hug seen as Olly's dad acted as a crazy uncle to all of us when we were younger. He chuckled softly and said;

"Olly doesn't know, he's still asleep upstairs."

I sent Chad an evil smirk but he shook his head furiously- catching on to what I was thinking. I know I never would attempt to prank him by waking him up but it was still extremely entertaining to think about. Thomas- Olly's dad- moved to the side and let us in, helping us lug our suitcases inside. My eyes widened when I took in the very expensive decor in here. There was a slick white marble floor with silver and gold speckles infused in the stone, a large crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling, and there was a large spiral staircase directly in the centre. Thomas laughed at our reaction and led us into what was obviously the kitchen where we were met with Linda who gave us the same warm welcoming gesture.

We all knew it would be a while before our sleeping best friend woke up so we spent that time catching up. To some people it may be strange to be really close to your friend’s parents, but we have all known each other since we were babies and therefore we have essentially grown up around all of our parents. Well, in my case four sisters as well because neither Chad or Olly have siblings. At least that gave me the perfect reason to get out of a furious rampage from either of the two of them because I could blame the prank on my sisters easily. It was awkward for a while about a year ago because Lottie admitted to having a slight crush on him- which made me gag badly. She is fifteen and he is twenty. It would be extremely awkward if my best friend and oldest sister got together.

I shook my head in disgust to rid myself of the thought which I sure as hell hope does not come true any time in the future. I cringed deep when Linda began teasing me about Harry but she did get a good chuckle when I told her about Félicité's stunt that allowed us to meet. Everyone shook their heads in amusement because it was exactly what she would do. It wasn't funny at the time when she snuck away from Lottie and I, but looking back on it is rather funny. I froze though at hearing dull thuds from upstairs which told us Olly had woken up. I gave Chad a look and we snuck out and we both hid behind the double doors that led into the kitchen.

Linda gave us a small smirk as she caught on to what we were going to do. I tightened my lips to refrain myself from laughing when he walked in. His hair was tousled in some ridiculous manner and his face just held a huge grumpy look on it. If you can't tell already, Olly is the complete opposite of a morning person. I glanced at the clock in the kitchen to see that it was almost 11A.M. Somehow, the initial tiredness that overcame me when I stepped off of the plane had disappeared and I felt extremely awake. I wasn't really going to complain with that because that meant I only had to get used to the different time zone. I had to bite into my knuckles to hold in the cackle that was desperate to escape when he spotted our suitcases. He turned to face his parents before asking;

"Are we going somewhere?"

They both tightened their lips and didn't answer him although Thomas did give Chad and I a humoured look. This was our chance. We both came out of our hiding spots from behind the doors and tip-toed across the hardwood floor until we were directly behind him. I gave Chad a look before we both tackled him to the ground, causing him to yell;

"What the fuck?! Intruder!"

We both rolled over holding our stomachs whilst laughing hysterically. After a few minutes I felt tears come to my eyes and my ribs were beginning to ache. I dared a glance at Olly to see his face had conflicting emotions. It was obvious he wasn't sure whether to be severely pissed off at us for giving him a miniature heart attack or if he was happy to see us. I looked to my right and Chad gave me a look as well which sent the two of us into hysterical laughter once again. Eventually Olly gave in and chuckled with us but he did kick both of us in the leg to show he was still annoyed at us for doing that. 

Eventually we managed to stop our laughing fit but it only took a few seconds until my insides were hurting and I was hiccoughing a lot. Chad was exactly the same however so I didn't feel too bad. I stood up and leaned over to pull Olly into a tight hug seen as it has been a long time since I last saw him. The last time I did was when he came over to London to surprise us both- days after I met Harry for the first time. I've not seen him for a year. It really sucks living in a different country to someone who is basically a brother to you. Hence the reason why we do a lot of crazy shit when we are together.

For a good hour on the flight Chad and I looked up some tourist attractions in Miami since this is our first real time in this city. Linda and Thomas told us to sit down whilst they prepared everyone a large breakfast. Twenty minutes later a large tray of French toast was put into the centre of the table which in typical boy style- we fought over. I let out a small huff of protest when Chad grabbed the last slice and his extremely smug grin didn't exactly improve my mood. By the end of our squabbling, myself and Olly each had five slices and Chad had seven. It doesn't surprise me that much that he can eat that amount of food in one sitting- he is well over six foot tall. I'm glad though that neither of them call me midget because then I would probably be severely pissed off at them. I think we would just stick to drama queen, science geek and mathematical weirdo as far as nicknames are concerned.

I checked the time again to see that it was just passed noon. Thomas had taken our suitcases upstairs into Olly's room during our ridiculous argument over who got the most food. We all raced each other up and my jaw dropped again, as expected the upstairs was just as grand as downstairs. It's just crazy thinking this house is Olly's. Before their family business really took off they only had enough money to get by and occasional treats a couple of times a year. Now they are living in a mansion in Miami, Florida, of all places. I definitely wouldn't mind living here but I don't think I could ever live outside of the U.K.; I couldn't leave my family behind permanently.

We all changed clothes seen as all Olly had been wearing was an old smelly pair of Nike tracksuit bottoms which had a large hole in the knee, whilst Chad and me were still sporting airport wear. I pulled out a pair of black skinny jeans with a few rips over them and a red patterned top. I tousled my hair a little but I soon heard Olly cat-calling which confused me. I asked him why he was making that noise but he replied whilst laughing;

"Jesus fucking Christ Louis, you're dressed almost exactly like your boyfriend."

I felt my cheeks heat up because as always, he was right. I hated the fact that he was never wrong about something. I didn't even realise that what I had picked out was very similar to what Harry would wear and it didn't help that my hair was growing longer. It still definitely wasn't as long as Harry's, but it was getting close. I quite liked it though because it was a nice change. I've had short hair my whole life and it's nice to be able to do things with it that simply doesn't revolve around a slightly messy quiff or a floppy fringe style. I shivered in embarrassment at the awkward phase I went through not long before meeting Harry, I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I thought that an extremely thick fringe draping over my forehead looked good. It looked hideous and if I could turn back time I would not go through that phase. I now switched my phone off of airplane mode and saw that I had a couple of missed calls from Harry, realising I hadn't called him when I had landed. I quickly found his number in my recent calls and clicked the screen, giving Chad and Olly simultaneous death stares. It rang twice before he answered;

"Hello love, how was your flight?"

I blushed a little and despite sending my best friend’s death glares, silently telling them to shut up they were wolf-whistling. I stuck up my middle finger and pointed it their way but they still didn't stop and I knew they wouldn't stop as much as I would like them to. We talked for roughly twenty minutes before he had to go for an interview and he didn't want to face the wrath of his team for being late. This made me chuckle slightly and I turned to face my best friends again and stating;

"You are both absolute dickheads, you know that right?"

This brought the two of them into hysterical laughter. Olly grabbed a set of keys before leaving the room, a silent command to follow him. We normally would have ridiculed him about this but he was basically our tour guide for the next fortnight. The first day there Olly showed us around his neighbourhood and truthfully, it made me feel like I was walking through Mayfair. Everybody screamed wealth and I felt extremely out of place standing here. Olly introduced us to some more American cuisine which to be honest, did not sound appealing to me at all. The only thing that seemed like something that I would be able to find back home was a cheese burger and even then the cheese was extremely weird.

The second day however, well, jet lag made its appearance known. I should have known it was far too good to be true. So I slept for the majority of the day but when I did wake up I was surprised to notice that I had gotten into the time zone. I called my mum that night as well as my sisters to catch up because this was the first time I've been in a different country for longer than a day without either of them. I had only been out of the country twice before and that was just to have two crazy weekends with Chad not long after my eighteenth birthday. We spent one night in Ibiza and a month later we went to Magaluf. We've always said go big or go home. When I woke up it was definitely too late to do any touristy things so Olly suggested we go to a bar for the night- neither of us in the mood for an actual nightclub. We had agreed to go partying at least twice though and we agreed it should be at the weekend because it's not the same through the other days of the week.

I pulled on another pair of skinny jeans but pulled on a leather jacket instead over a band top. I had been careful to not dress so much like my boyfriend because I knew I would never hear the end of it from my brothers basically. I talked to Harry whenever I could and every single time he did, one of the psychotic ward patients that I call my friends would make embarrassing noises. It had now escalated into them making sex noises which caused Harry and I to blush profusely seen as we hadn't gotten quite that far yet. Chad and Olly were both shocked when they figured this out and I had jokingly asked them if they thought I was a slut- they caught on and agreed. Thomas dropped us off at the bar because he knew that neither of us would be able to drive back in a drunken state and he asked us to call him. If we didn't call him before 1am he was going to come and find us.

I know why he said that though as the last time we had all gone out partying together- despite only being fifteen- we had somehow woken up in London, Heathrow airport. I have no idea what the fuck happened the night before because it was just a blur. The second we both stepped in a huge cloud of smoke hit me in the face, reminding me that it was still legal to smoke in public places in America unlike anywhere in the U.K. We found a table near the corner and Olly walked over to order us all a pint of lager- neither of us were ever really keen on the taste of beer. We gossiped like old times but I did find it a bit aggravating that Olly assumed I would have more gossip considering I was in an extremely public relationship. He was disappointed though because I don't have any juicy gossip about any celebrities. I was half way through my second pint when Olly suggested we have a game of killer pool.

This basically consisted of at least two people playing although it could be a lot more, and there is only one winner. Chad walked around asking strangers if they wanted a game and pretty soon there were ten of us standing around the table. The game is different from regular pool because you have to sink one of the balls- colour doesn't matter unless it is the black- on every shot apart from the break. If you didn't sink a ball you were out of the round. If nobody managed to sink a ball, then everyone was back in the game. Whoever pots the black ball once every other ball has disappeared inside the table is the winner and the losers have to buy that person a drink each. It does sound extremely complicated but once you've played it once you never forget how to play it.

We played for roughly ten minutes and a man who seemed to be in his late twenties who had a raven coloured quiff and pale skin won. I shrugged and bought him a drink like everyone else did. Over the next hour we had a total of four games and Olly won one. Needless to say, my twenty-year-old friend was completely pissed drunk and it was extremely entertaining to watch. I drank another pint and a couple of shots whilst Chad drank five shots one after the other. It looks like for once I'm the only one who has been slightly responsible with my alcohol consumption tonight. I feel bad for Olly because he's drank eleven pints by now and he is going to have a ridiculous hangover tomorrow. I sent Thomas a quick text letting him know we were done for the night and half an hour later we were all asleep on a giant blow up mattress.

Like expected, my head was pounding and I was thankful to see a glass of water with some painkillers on a desk. I quickly swallowed the pills and downed the water before slowly standing up. My head was pounding so much but I knew I probably had it easiest out of everyone here. Chad was next up and Olly woke up not long after. I had to stifle my laughter when he lost his balance and tumbled down onto his bed, Chad didn't hold in his laughter. I pointed to the pain killers and they quickly swallowed and drank as well. I heard a slight knocking on the door and Linda walked in with a large tray of very carby food, knowing we were all hung-over. We spent the rest of that day nursing our headaches and questioning why we even drank even though we knew it would happen again in a few days. We all love a good party.

We spent a couple of days being lazy, refusing to get out of old tracksuit bottoms and practically ruined t-shirts and eating a lot of food. We ended up having a marathon of watching every Harry Potter movie back to back and Olly suggested that we drive to Orlando to go to the theme park. We considered it but when we saw it would take more than three hours we ignored it, maybe another year because I didn't feel like sitting in a car for more than three hours. On the seventh day we decided to be tourists again and Olly was more than happy to show us around.

Right now we were driving down Ocean Drive on our way to the main Miami Beach before making our way over to South Beach. It confused me when Olly told me that these beaches were actually on an island that wasn't actually a part of the city but he opened up a map on his phone to show me what he meant. I stared at all of the shops that were on one side and turned to face the crystal blue of the South Atlantic Ocean. It did surprise me how different the water looked because every other coastal route I've taken in my life the water has been a strange grey shade rather than blue.

Eventually Olly parked up and we all got out of his bright red Mustang, following him down a path until the long white sandy beach came into view. I swung the large bag from my shoulder and took out the sunscreen as well as a very large towel. May as well try and get a tan so I don't look quite so ill all of the time. I hate having the typical English white skin. I pulled off my Adidas tracksuit bottoms to reveal my navy swimming trunks underneath and removed my top before lathering my entire boy with sunscreen. Once it had soaked in I lay back on the towel and closed my eyes along with my best friends. I turned over every half an hour to keep my forming tan even because white patches are never nice looking. We stayed there for just shy of three hours before grabbing a meal at one of the restaurants close by.

South Beach was much the same except we had a large water fight to cool off because we were not used to this scorching hot weather. I had checked the temperature to see that it was thirty-two degrees Celsius which I don't think I've ever seen to be completely honest. By the time we drove back to Olly's house we were all sporting bronze coloured skin. It was the next night that we decided to go to a club and honestly, I can't remember a single fucking thing apart from that it was a bloody good night. We spent the next day nursing our hangovers once again.

The next day we took a stroll through the Bayside Marketplace and we all ended up buying a few things. We stopped to eat despite not having a clue what Olly ordered but it tasted good so I wasn't going to complain. It was here that a few people came up to me from recognising my face. This confused Olly and Chad but they soon figured it out. I stopped to talk with a few of Harry's fans and quickly shot down the rumour that we had secretly gotten married (honestly, the amount of times I've heard that rumour now) and the one that I was cheating on Harry with Chad. His face instantly scrunched up in disgust whilst Olly fell to the ground in hysterical laughter as this was the first time he had heard about the said rumour. I took a few pictures as well despite it being a bit awkward considering I wasn't famous in any way, it's my boyfriend who is and he absolutely hates being seen as nothing but famous. The next night we went to the same nightclub as before and I still can't say what happened except that I had at least eight shots of straight tequila...

Before we knew it, our last day had arrived and I did not want to leave but we had to. Olly decided to take us to a whole other part of Miami that he stated was very different from the rest of the city. We walked there, stopping in some shops along the way. I picked up a couple of shirts that I knew Harry would like despite the $50 price tag on each. Then again, to him that was probably really cheap but it was pretty expensive for me. Eventually we came to a sign which read 'Little Havana' and Olly quickly explained that this was the Cuban district of Miami.

The whole day we walked around, stopped in a couple of shops and tried some of the traditional Cuban foods. It was funny though when Chad ate some kind of curry which was extra hot and his face was definitely picture worthy but I wasn't that mean- I couldn't deny that I was tempted to take one though. It was really nice to see a whole other culture with my own eyes and I had taken many pictures on my phone of the little community. That night we all packed our suitcases seen as our flight was leaving at 6am here so in BST it would be roughly 5pm when we landed back in Heathrow. Once again, Harry had booked us another private plane which I was silently glad about because I didn't want to deal with whiny brats or shite television programmes.

It may have been two weeks but it felt like no time had passed at all as my sisters all decided to use me as a trampoline the second I stepped out of the taxi into the driveway of our home, my mum shaking her head in amusement, it was good to be back home.


	40. Thirty-Nine.

I've never really known what it was like to miss someone. Coming from a very large family means that there is almost always someone there to distract you if your mind was on someone else. There was always someone there to listen to you at all times over anything and everything. An emptiness. That was the only thing I could feel honestly. I could feel my heart beating but it was like I just wasn't breathing momentarily and I'm unfortunately in a position that pretty much no one will understand. Talking to someone about something annoying you is good, but this is not the case if the person you are talking to doesn't genuinely understand where you are coming from.

I was slowly beginning to get used to it though. It had only been around ten days since I got home from Miami and Harry had to stay in America for another month. Nobody I know knows what it is like to be in a very long distance relationship. The only person who knows kind of what this is like is my oldest half-sister Georgia. I haven't seen her in years and we know next to nothing about each other. We have the same dad, but he wasn't ready to step up and be a parent when I was born so we have never really seen eye to eye. I didn't want to be rude to Georgia by putting her through the awkward tension between myself and my biological dad. Since we have very few memories together we don't really consider each other as siblings as we are not close.

She was currently in a relationship with some guy who came from Milton Keynes which was pretty far from where she lived in Doncaster, but they were still in the same country. Harry is thousands of miles from me and with conflicting time zones that were constantly changing did little to help this. He was working constantly recently and we hadn't spoken for a few days and it was beginning to take its toll on me. We did text each other a lot, but words written on a screen just wasn't the same as hearing the words said in person. If this is a price I have to pay to be in love with someone, I will pay it over and over again.

My mum was sitting across from me giving me an awkward smile as she knew what I was thinking about. Our bond was beginning to heal, the wound no longer open and bleeding. Even this reminded me of Harry- more specifically a certain diary entry. We fought over that often because he was adamant that it was a journal and not a diary but in my mind they were the exact same thing. I still had the small brown leather bound book in my bedroom but I hadn't read any more of the entries apart from the three I had just before I found out everything.

It was a dark side to Harry, a side I never really got to see apart from when he had the occasional breakdown. This was very rare though as I have only ever seen him break for short periods of time and I wasn't sure if I would feel ok in reading further into a dark place that had entrapped my boyfriend into his own mind for years. An entrapment in which he had only recently came out of even though he had learned to hide it extremely well. I felt like I was intruding in his life whenever I asked him anything so I didn't know how I could finish reading that diary because it seemed like he started writing it only a couple of days after Marcel's self-inflicted death.

I really can't even begin to imagine how horrible that must have been and in a strange dream sequence I had witnessed the said event. I hadn't told Harry about the dream because I haven't had it again since he told me absolutely everything which was almost two months ago now. It was fast approaching our one-year anniversary as a couple and Harry had already told me he had made sure to book two days out of his schedule through a lot of bribing and would fly back to spend it with me like any other couple would on a milestone date.

I have a tendency to think of numerous things which were in a sense very important, but I also have a tendency to avoid a lot of things I don't like. Hence the reason I was avoiding reading Harry's journal even though he had entrusted me with it which told me he wanted me to see it. Maybe one day I will find the courage to open the worn down brown leather and read more into the darkest days of the man I love. I had been spaced out for quite a while but soon my mum stated quietly;

"Maybe go around to his flat Louis, it might make you feel closer to him."

I nodded lightly as that actually did seem like a good idea. She walked over and pulled me into a tight hug because she knew that I was really missing him. I know she trusts Harry a lot, but she can't really hide her annoyance at the amount of times we had to be forced apart. She wasn't annoyed at Harry; she was annoyed at the people whom he worked with or more specifically his management. I had told my mum everything the homophobic bastards have hit us both within the two meetings we have both attended and it really pissed her off. She has always stood by the belief that everyone is equal and no one should be looked down on or treated differently. It was a form of racism which a lot of people don't understand, and racism should be illegal. It is a horrible thing.

Before I could think much into the entire thing, I had bid my mum goodbye and gave her a tight hug and began my journey. The sun was beating down outside but there was a cool wind in the air which made the day not ridiculously warm, which I was very glad about. It is so ironic for me. I moan when it is cold yet I moan when it is warm, I guess that just comes with permanently living in a country with bipolar weather. It really is though. One minute it could be a beautiful sunny day and the next minute there would be bullet sized hailstones that forced everyone inside to avoid having extremely painful bodies from the tiny pellets falling from the sky.

As usual, the drive took around half an hour and I was quick to find a parking space almost directly in front of Harry's complex. For some reason I had a really strange feeling, and I have no idea what. It wasn't like the feeling I had when I figured everything out, it was more one of longing. I knew the longing was because Harry was thousands of miles away from me right now and he wouldn't be home for about another week. At least I had something to look forward to, even though we probably won't have much time to spend with each other considering he is due to release his second album in about a month.

He works so much and I genuinely have no idea how he does it.

There are so many people now who will moan about having to work a twelve-hour shift. Then there is Harry who is sometimes working for days on end with no sleep at all. I've always thought that singers only really recorded their music, possibly toured the album and did a few interviews in between everything. That couldn't be further from the truth and it was a bitter realisation when I got into a relationship with Harry. In a way I'm used to it now because we have been together for almost a year but it still really gets to me when I have to go long periods of time without seeing the man I love, without holding the man I love, without kissing the man I love, without going on dates with the man I love. It definitely made me respect couples in which both partners are in the same business.

Although when we are apart it does hurt, but when we do get time to spend only to ourselves it is always nothing short of perfect. Each tender kiss, each tender squeeze of the hand. Teasing one another with inside jokes that no one else will ever understand. Everything is heightened because it is human instinct to want to make the most of your time with someone whom you haven't seen for a long time. They say that spending time apart for a while will always make the heart grow fonder. I always found the saying extremely cheesy but it was definitely true. I didn't realise for a long time just how true the saying was until Harry's career really started to completely take off.

It had been about five days since I had last spoken to him and to put it simply, the Skype call ended in a lot of tears and whispered I love you's. I jumped at feeling a slight vibrate in my pocket which brought me out of my thoughts and I realised I was still sitting in my car. I slid the key out of the ignition, pulled the handbrake on and stepped out into the cool day. I'm not even sure what my mum meant by saying that I should go to Harry's flat. Wouldn't that make me miss him even more than I already was? I just had to keep reminding myself that in a week he would be home. In a week I would be able to wrap him up in my arms and tangle my fingers into his long chestnut curls while breathing in his peppermint scent.

I realised soon that the air conditioning was on which instinctively made me shiver for a few seconds until I got used to the initial gust of cold air. I half jogged my way up the stairs at a pace that wouldn't render me completely breathless and pulled out my keys, the bronze one to Harry's flat sitting next to my own. I quickly slid it into the door and opened it, stepping into the flat I knew so well. It was so weird seeing it as this was the first time I had come around to Harry's flat since he left to go to America to do a tour there. His sudden success across the ocean made a smile tug at the corners of my lips because I was extremely proud of him. Not many people have managed to crack the huge country that was America, or even Canada for that matter. Harry was special.

It kind of was cheesy for me to say that considering I am Harry's boyfriend, but it was true. Harry has quite literally been dragged through hell, he never had a real childhood, and yet he came out of the other end alright. I can't say he came out of the other end brilliantly, because he does suffer in silence. Hardly anyone understands though- me included- but that was fine. Almost everyone who has been through even one of the things that Harry was forced to go through would have ended up in jail or would have ended their own lives. It is a horrible thought because I know that Harry has seriously considered it before. The only reason he didn't do that was because he didn't want to put his mum, sister and step-dad through another death.

I can't even begin to imagine what was going through Harry's mum's mind when all of that happened. She probably felt like she had failed as a mother when in reality, she couldn't have done much else. She done everything she could. I really don't know when I got so philosophical in my views to such topics, but I know it started when Harry told me that he was diagnosed as clinically depressed. That must have been horrible for his mum to be told that, but it was also probably a huge relief and a weight lifted from her shoulders when she got her answer. I shivered simply at the thought that she walked in on her husband raping her son. She must have felt genuinely sick to her stomach at witnessing such a horrific thing, it must have been worse when Harry and Marcel confessed to being beaten for almost three years.

I walked down the corridor and turned into his small studio room. It was strange not seeing the numerous guitars littering the room. He had taken them all overseas with him since he still had a few studio sessions. I was quick to find out that Harry did write a lot of songs for other people as well. It was something about him. For some reason he could always put himself into another person's shoes and think from their perspective. From there he would be writing away. It was difficult at times to realise that Harry is younger than me, and is one of the youngest singers who have made it big around.

I continued to walk through the flat, taking in everything. As always not a single thing was out of place, everything was as it was left. I chuckled softly at Harry's slight OCD which I'm pretty sure he has but has never been diagnosed with. The boy is obsessed over everything being perfectly ordered and he goes apeshit when this is not the case. I suppose he is used to it though since a few years of his life are already scheduled. He could probably tell me what he would be doing three years from today that is how hectic his schedule was. It was because of this that something that was probably extremely normal caught my attention. It was a plain piece of paper stuck to the fridge that stuck out to me and I couldn't stop the churning in my stomach at the thought of Marcel doing the same just before he took his own life.

I shook the disturbing image from my head and walked over, pulling it off the metal. I read it over and frowned a little as an unsettling feeling nestled in my abdomen. It only said a name, a name I knew well but a name that I was not exactly fond of. Niall. I shut my eyes in thought as I realised there was a number scribbled underneath the name. Harry obviously wanted me to bury this hatchet between myself and the Irish lad. I let out a small breath after a few minutes because as much as I didn't want to do this, I knew it was the right thing to do. It was wrong to put Harry through such an awkward situation as his best friend and boyfriend not getting along. I couldn't even imagine what I would feel like if Harry and Chad or Harry and Olly didn't get along with each other. Harry had never met Olly, but they had spoken a few times whenever I was talking to my friend who lives in Miami and Harry was around. Luckily they got along well. It must be really wearing Harry's patience down.

With this thought in mind I slid my phone from my pocket and typed the number in and hitting the call button. I didn't need to wait long for an answer and the tension was very evident when he did answer. I hung up after a few minutes once Niall said he would be making his way over right now because despite us not liking each other, we should at least find some kind of common ground that would allow us to not want to rip each other's guts out. I've only met him a couple of times yet both of those times were extremely awkward. It wasn't right though to put Harry in the middle of everything and that was why I made a mental note to not say anything that might tick the Irish guy off.

Only ten minutes passed before I heard the front door swing open and hearing footsteps echoing down the hallway. Soon, the guy who I really didn't get along with walked inside who slid his coat off and plopped himself down on the couch opposite me. Our gazes locked for a few minutes, silently asking each other who should speak first. The tension was building up again but I let out a few breaths to calm myself down because I know that I have an acidic tongue.

"We need to get over whatever this is between us, it isn't fair on Harry."

It was Niall who spoke first and I nodded at the realisation. It seemed as though we were both far too hot-headed for our own good at times and we have to solve this as soon as possible. If we didn't there are only two possible outcomes that will come out of it. One of those being that Harry and Niall would fall out and the second was that Harry and I would break up. Either way it was not a nice thing. Losing a close friend in a sense is just as bad as losing your partner. As much as I hate to say it, it could possibly be a breaking point for Harry and I really didn't want to receive a call that Harry had done something extremely stupid. I swallowed down the saliva that formed as I didn't want to think about Harry killing himself. It was too horrible a thought to even process.

"Why is it you don't like me Niall? Why did you threaten me when I didn't know you?"

I said it bluntly, with zero emotion in my voice. I had to be stern though because it was a really tense situation. The faster we solve this hatred for each other, the faster Harry will no longer feel like an extremely awkward third wheeler in a sense. Niall's gaze faltered and he looked to the ground for a few seconds. He didn't lift his head for a bit but I decided to let him think. I bit my tongue when he finally looked back up, his baby blue eyes staring back into mine with a mix of emotions although they were all pretty much emotions of dislike.

"I didn't mean to threaten you Louis, and I don't hate you Louis. I never have hated you."

I frowned at the confession. If he has never hated me why did he threaten me? Why has he made me feel like he has this vendetta against me? Why does he always look at me like he wanted to rip my head off? I didn't need to tell him to continue because he gulped lightly and elaborated;

"I never meant to threaten you. As you have probably figured out, I am extremely protective over Harry. I know that you have been told everything so you definitely know where I'm coming from. You didn't know Harry when I first met him Louis, you didn't see how skinny he was, you didn't see how fragile he was. He's always been fragile mentally, but when I first met him he was fragile both mentally and physically. Louis, he was barely six stone in weight and considering he is six foot tall, that is almost nothing. Harry was literally skin and bone when I met him Louis, and he had no one to be there for him. He only had me and my dad.

"It has never left my mind. I still see Harry as that fragile sixteen-year-old whom I rescued from the streets that would have starved to death in a matter of days had I not. Yes, he is a lot stronger than he has been previously, but he has never been completely strong. When he first told me about you I just couldn't stop that very protective side of me from coming out, I couldn't hold it in. I wouldn't have been able to see the boy who had become my brother and not just legally, I actually consider him another brother. I didn't want to see him get hurt and I let that protective side of me take over a bit too much.

"I don't hate you at all Louis. I'm not keen on you, but I also don't know you. I'm disgusted in myself for not getting to know you properly and letting my protectiveness of Harry take over my mind. I know you won't like to hear this Louis, but I am one of two people who have ever really seen Harry at his weakest point- the other being my dad. You've helped him though. You've helped him more than I ever could have imagined, even when you knew nothing. Harry tells me a lot of things Louis and I know that you both love each other greatly. Just don't hurt him alright? I don't like the thought but I don't think Harry would carry on in life if he got hurt badly again."

My mouth dropped open in a mixture of emotions. It did make sense, and it definitely confirmed my suspicions as to why Niall seemed to hold a huge grudge against me. I understood exactly where he was coming from. If Harry was getting really close to someone else I would have definitely reacted the exact same way Niall had, and it made me realise we were a lot more similar than I thought. Our personalities were not similar, but we definitely had very similar views. It calmed me knowing this as there are very few people I have met whom I share the exact same views as over certain topics. I gulped a little before asking quietly whilst I thought everything over;

"What is it that kick starts Harry into having a panic attack, episode or whatever?"

He looked down to the floor and took in a deep breath. There was still a tense air around us but it wasn't over our dislike for each other now. This time the tension was caused because we were both willingly talking about something that neither of us like the idea of. It feels wrong in a sense to speak about my boyfriend behind his back but I would rather know everything completely so I wouldn't do something stupid without realising. Niall clicked his tongue a little which caught my attention and I looked him in the eye to await his answer. I already had a rough idea what kick started any episodes or panic attacks, but I wanted to hear it from someone else.

"As you have probably guessed Louis, Harry tends to have panic attacks and episodes whenever he is reminded of his past. Any talk of his parents, his sister, and definitely Marcel. Any kind of talk considering intimacy as well- "

At this I blushed deep scarlet as Harry and I have been intimate with each other on a couple of occasions, but we have never gone the whole way yet. I covered it up but I was already too late because Niall had caught on as he was gawking at me. He didn't say anything but I could tell he really wanted to. Would I even want to talk about Harry and I's more secretive parts of our relationship? I really don't get it when people will openly talk about how they go about having sex or where they were when they had a blow job or something along those lines. I've always personally thought that should be kept between yourself and your partner.

"There really isn't a way that can calm him down when he has an episode, Louis. The best thing is to leave him be until it passes. Just leave the room because you won't get through to him- I would know because I've been dealing with this for years. Not to sound harsh though but it is true. Panic attacks however is different. I don't know the ins and outs of it but basically when carbon dioxide is inhaled, it does something to a part of the brain which stops the brain from reacting in such an extreme way."

At this my mouth fell open again in realisation. It now made sense that the last time I witnessed Harry have a panic attack, Niall had left to get a paper bag. A bag would trap the air so Harry would be forced to breathe it in. This was pretty much all I needed to know now. I now knew what topics to avoid in order to make sure Harry doesn't completely break, and that was a huge relief. A huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. If he has an episode- leave the room and let him be. If he has a panic attack- find a bag and force him to breathe into it. Niall coughed a little awkwardly which told me he was going to ask the personal question that I knew was coming up.

"Have you guys been intimate? Gosh this is awkward to talk about but if you have that is a huge step in Harry's mental health."

Hesitantly, I nodded. He didn't need to say anything because I knew he wanted me to continue. I obviously wasn't going to go into detail because one, I don't know Niall well; two, that really should be kept private. I licked my lips a little and stated in a little embarrassment;

"Um, we have given each other the odd hand job and once a blow job but nothing else. Neither of us are ready to have a full blown sexual relationship yet."

Niall made a gagging expression at how blunt I said it but he snapped his head at me in an awkward manner. It was obvious he had caught the but in my statement. This was really the first time I had openly talked about my ex- and I was doing so willingly. It would be good to get it all off of my chest. Harry already knew the basics of everything and I was planning on telling him everything else when he got back from his tour. I looked down to my feet before beginning my tale.

"I was sixteen when I met him. He was a year older but we got to know each other because we went to the same school for years and he lived a few streets away. Naturally we started walking to school together, hanging out and sleeping over each other's houses. It wasn't long until I realised I had a slight crush on him but it really was quite stupid now I think back on it. He was popular, very popular and he did have a bit of a reputation for being a player but I always thought that it was simply a rumour. He was always nice to me.

"We started dating, and well, I was told to back away because I would get hurt. I didn't listen and in turn I lost a lot of friends over it- the only two who did stick by my side were Chad and Olly and even they were both very sceptical. I could see where they were coming from though so it didn't bother me too much. It started slow. At first I didn't notice but he began telling me what I should and shouldn't wear, how I should act, how I should always leave him be if he left on short notice to do something. I did love him, but I now know that I was never in love with him if that makes sense."

He nodded a little and gestured me to carry on, he was nibbling on his bottom lip a little bit.

"I didn't think much of it, and as the months went by it only got worse. I started ignoring my friends, figuring that their concern was one of jealousy at the time. It was naïve of me but he had a very powering grip on me at the time. It never got any worse than words though thankfully, but hearing all of those horrible comments did fuck with my head. He started saying that my friends were all jealous that I was with a really popular guy and I guess it got to my head. I started being mean to everyone really. My family, my friends and people I didn't even know.

"This went on for a year, and it didn't get any better but I was brainwashed. I really did think at the time that I did love him and I decided to take it to the next level. We had gone to a party because it was about three months before my eighteenth birthday and we decided to be a bit more rebellious like a lot of other teenagers. I didn't drink because that was something else he told me not to do- said something along the lines of always knowing that what I was telling him was the truth. To put it simply, I figured why not go for it? We had been together for exactly a year at that point and it was normal.

"Well, we had sex. I don't know what I was expecting after it really. For him to tell me that he loved me and this was a proper serious relationship? It's stupid now I think back on it. He just got up, leaving me in pain for obvious reasons, left and said thanks for the virginity. The next time I saw him was at school and I overheard him with his own friends who were all laughing. I listened without them knowing and he simply said that he was only ever with me to get me to have sex with him- apparently he made a bet with someone that he would be my first. I felt crushed, humiliated, horrified and most of all abused. Then he said that he was sleeping with numerous other people- both girls and boys behind my back the whole time we were together.

"So to answer your question Niall, I'm not ready to completely give myself to Harry just as he isn't ready to give himself to me. Maybe one day we will get to that because well, this relationship might not last forever. I don't like to think about it, but it could happen. I know that I am in love with Harry, but it is so difficult. All of this long distance stuff, all the late calls, the very little time we get with each other- it gets to me. The only thing that is really getting me through it all is my feelings for him."

He was speechless as I told him everything. I was expecting to feel the humiliation wrap around me in a tight fist. That didn't happen though. If anything all I felt was a huge relief, it felt normal to openly talk about my previous failed 'relationship' and I wasn't embarrassed by it anymore. Yes, I do feel stupid that I fell for James' bullshit for a year but I was a naïve seventeen-year-old. Not many seventeen year olds are mature despite saying they are. Niall and I started talking and surprisingly we did have quite a fair bit in common with one another. Obviously the most common one was that we were both fiercely protective of Harry but for different reasons. Niall because he is technically his brother and me because he is the man I love. It feels strange calling him a man but he isn't a boy. Boys are immature, needy and inexperienced. Harry is none of these and so he can't be considered a boy- he pretty much is a thirty-year-old man stuck in a nineteen year olds body. It felt good to have someone else to talk to about everything, Niall's threat no longer lingering in my head as we got to know each other like we should have done months ago.


	41. Forty.

A good few days had passed since Niall and I had managed to get over our own egos and actually get to know each other. Occasionally we still sent each other a look as if silently telling each other to not push the others buttons. It was something I learned quite early on about the Irish lad. He was generally a very nice person but if anyone so much as said something horrible concerning those he loved he immediately turned into a machine almost. It was quite entertaining to watch since he was a little shorter than me- no more than two inches if even that- but I have never seen that level of fury in someone's eyes before now.

It did sicken me when I figured out what it was that was making him react so badly and truthfully if it was me in his position I would have strangled whoever had said it. I had been quick to learn that Niall's mum, older brother, sister in law and his nephew still stayed in Ireland. I asked him why this was but he just shrugged which told me he didn't know why the rest of his family decided to stay in another country. Simply because Niall is legally Harry's brother, people knew what he looked like and someone had sent a very descriptive, nasty, disgusting, degrading and a million other vile words about his nephew. It sickened me more when I found out his nephew was only a couple of months old and had no way to defend himself in a situation he couldn't comprehend. I would go fucking ballistic if it was any of my sisters.

I just don't understand why people think they can say such nasty self-conceited things to someone they have never met, it is even more disgusting when the receiver is a baby. I definitely had a lot in common with Niall with the single fact that if anyone said anything about someone either of us love deeply whether that be family or relationship wise, we both get fiercely protective and will fight back. I was lucky in the sense that most of Harry's fans accepted us fairly quickly but I still do get the occasional hurtful comment. I don't let it get me down though.

I was excited however. In a couple of hours Harry would be touching down in Heathrow airport. It was a bit upsetting that he couldn't stay home for longer than two days since he still had three weeks to finish his tour. He made some sort of deal with Simon that he would make up for the lost two days another time if we got to spend our one-year anniversary together. It really doesn't feel like it will be exactly a year since Harry and I began dating tomorrow. This is definitely the craziest twelve months of my life so far. So much has happened but I am glad that everything worked out for the most part.

I had come to fully accept the fact that my parents were never going to get back together but it was still awkward between them. My mum and Mark had decided to stay on good terms for the girl’s sake. It wasn't bothering me so much anymore seen as I'm not really a kid anymore even though I hate to admit it. Growing up is something I don't like but it really can't be helped. It only really sunk in a couple of days ago that I will only be a teenager for five more months. I still had no idea what I was going to do for my birthday but I knew it would be crazy just like old times.

Last night I had received a call from Olly, from a U.K. number which confused me. I thought it was someone who had a wrong number or one of Harry's fans had somehow gotten a hold of my number and leaked it. This hadn't lasted long though when I heard Olly's thick distinctive accent. From moving around so much, Olly's accent had become a mix of everything which was rather entertaining for people who hadn't heard him speak for a long time. I asked him why he had a U.K. number but he started yelling down the phone when he told me his parents were moving back for a few months and Olly had decided to get a flat here- said he missed his home city too much.

I called Chad around not long after that and he had already been told, he was moving back here in just over a week from now. Maybe now Olly could actually properly meet Harry and not over a computer screen because that was quite awkward on my part. Not many people bother in introducing their partner to their closest friends the way that I did, but Chad and Olly are pretty much brothers to me. We have grown up with each other and the small picture frame which I had on my bedroom wall showed this. It was simply us on our first day of primary school and it was a bit embarrassing as we all had the awkward bowler haircut and cheesy grins on our faces.

I blinked and looked at myself in the mirror again seen as I was getting ready. I didn't want to bother too much because I knew Harry would be in airport-wear most likely and that would look a bit strange. I ruffled up my hair a little and huffed at myself. I hadn't shaved for a couple of weeks and a very thin layer of stubble was now covering my jawline and above my top lip. It was a little itchy but I actually quite liked it. I now looked exactly how I felt, older and much more mature. I've grown so much as a person over the past year and I owe a lot of that to Harry. He's taught me a lot of things and he's helped me realise just how fortunate I actually am.

So many people have it a hell of a lot worse than I do and it was never put into perspective in my mind until Harry told me everything. I wonder what he would think of the new look, hopefully he would like it as much as I do. I grabbed some gel, watered it down and tugged my hair until it was in a slightly messy looking quiff, I wasn't in the mood for a completely perfect appearance today. I pulled on some skinny jeans and a graphic top. It was still rather warm outside since it was autumn. It wasn't raining anyway so it was better than it normally was as far as U.K. weather goes.

Once I was finally satisfied with my appearance despite looking a little bit like a scene kid I walked out of Harry's bathroom. By now we may as well live together and my mum continually asked me if Harry had asked me to move in with him with how much time I spend here. I drove home each night obviously because it would probably be rather creepy if I didn't. I was beginning to become a bit more independent with my own life which was why I was going to look at some flats within a ten-mile radius of Harry in the next couple of months. There was a couple I was looking at but they had a lot of interest since the area of London I live in is slightly more on the affordable side of the spectrum.

I lived in a suburban area which had direct access to the centre of the city which was very handy for a lot of people. Not everyone can handle the hustle bustle of living in the middle of an extremely populated city. I snapped my head up at hearing the sound of keys jangling in the door which told me Niall had come around. Harry still didn't know that Niall and I had been patching up all of the bad blood between us and we had decided to surprise him at the airport. Of course the two of us were still wary with each other but we no longer wanted to rip each other's heads from our shoulders.

I checked the time to see that Harry would be touching down in about half an hour so I grabbed the keys and walked out, Niall following close behind me. With all of the school traffic it would take a bit longer to drive to Heathrow so we had to leave earlier to be on time. The autumn sun was beating down on us and I knew that I should be happy with the sun but I'm just not used to it. It's a vicious cycle really. When the sun is out I want it to be cool but when it is raining I want the sun to come out. I followed Niall over to the sleek black Range Rover Harry owned.

I jumped into the passenger side knowing that Harry would go apeshit at me if he found out I drove it there, Niall slid into the driver’s side. The whole journey there we both fought over the radio, not being able to decide on a specific station to listen to. At least this time the fights were stupid and not the kind of fights that we've previously had. Although, Niall and I have never even had a proper fight. We've only ever had one serious argument and that resulted in Niall saying something he shouldn't have revealed to me.

That was the second time I witnessed Harry have a panic attack and for some reason, he only ever had them during or after something happened. The first panic attack he had, had ended up in us both realising that our relationship wasn't a silly teenage romance. We ended up confessing that we loved each other in more than a friendship way and my feelings have still not changed even after eleven months of first saying it. It is always difficult confessing to that the first time, afterwards it isn't as nerve wracking. The second time I witnessed Harry have a panic attack was after I found out my parents were definitely getting divorced and Niall made a comment about us all having that in common now- he had indirectly mentioned Harry's rapist by accident.

He regretted it almost instantly though and had sprung into action once he figured out that Harry would either have an episode or a panic attack. I don't think I've witnessed him have an episode yet or at least none that I can think of to date but that doesn't mean he hasn't had an episode since he met me. Harry probably was behind my back until he knew he could fully trust me. No one has ever really been there to love him when he needed it the most, no one he has ever really loved got to see him doing what he loves doing. I blinked and soon realised we were only around five minutes from the airport now, I wasn't sure how long I had zoned out for into my own little world and I didn't want to ask.

Niall managed to find a parking space close to the back entrance which told me that Harry was probably flying in a private plane once again. We both slid out even though we had to jump out of our seats from the height of the vehicle which made me annoyed since I was rather short. I could tell Niall was annoyed of this too because he did spend a few minutes adjusting the seat and mirrors so he could see properly before we left. I checked the time on my phone to see he was due to touch down any minute now. It was a good thing that we hadn't told anyone that he was coming home for a couple of days so the airport was pretty much deserted when we stepped inside to ask when the next few private planes were due to land.

I had to stop a stupid grin from taking over my face when I was told that the one which had left San Francisco in California- which was where Harry had been- was nearing the runway when the attendant checked the tracker. We were directed over to where the plane was landing but I didn't look up because there are numerous planes due to land and I had no idea what one Harry was in. Niall and I chatted for a little while which soon turned into an argument over whether N-Sync was better than The Fray. It was a very stupid fight really and I could hear a lot of people laughing at the ridiculous thing. I rolled my eyes though when I caught a camera pointed to my face out of my peripheral vision which was enough to tell me that Harry's secret journey home wasn't exactly secret anymore. I'm waiting for a rumour to start that I'm cheating on Harry with Niall.

There isn't even a point of me trying to set it straight, Harry's fans know that Niall is Harry's brother and they know that I am faithful. I've already dealt with rumours that I was cheating on him with my own best friend who may as well be my brother whilst my other best friend was in hysterical laughter at the entire thing. Those assumptions are never going to disappear so there isn't a point dwelling on what might be. I perked up in excitement once I noticed the back door open and the six foot five monster that was Chris came into my line of vision. I already knew that Harry was behind him but I couldn't see him passed Chris' monster sized muscles and height. I would be absolutely terrified of the man if I didn't know him as well as I do. I've known him for fifteen months and the first time I met him was when I was arguing with him to let me backstage to find my MIA sister.

Eventually he looked up and he grinned a little before stepping aside, revealing Harry. A huge grin immediately erupted on my face and my body reacted quicker than my mind. By the time I realised that I was moving I was only a metre or so from Harry. I heard him chuckle before he leaned over a little and scooped me into a very tight hug. I was willing myself not to cry but my eyes were watering up in pure happiness that Harry was back home. We really need to make the most of these two days we have with each other. I buried my face into the crook of his neck and took a very large breath of his scent, that strong peppermint invading my nostrils and travelling into my lungs.

I pulled back a little to look him in the eye, that bright jewel emerald burning into my own blue eyes. I had always thought that my eyes were boring compared to Harry's but he thought the same about his own. He constantly compared mine to the colour of the ocean since they were made up of a few different shades which caused me to snort loudly at how ridiculous it sounded. Then again though, I have continuously compared his own orbs to that of a forest and jewels so I guess we were both in the same boat. We were a very typical couple.

Despite Harry having his curly hair covered by a grey beanie and a few blemishes adorning his face- he looked perfect. We had still not moved away from our embrace and I could feel a lot of stares on us. Despite the public being generally very open to homosexual relationships, it can still be a little strange to see. I was perfectly fine with this though as it is just human nature, that can't be helped. I couldn't hold it in any longer and pretty soon I had pulled Harry's face down to press my lips against his and I didn't hold my middle finger away when Niall made a wolf whistling sound. A few chuckles escaped his mouth and Chris was in full on hysterical laughter.

There was so much feeling put into the kiss. Every time our lips met again even more feelings were transmitted to each other, electricity flowing through my veins to the point that I felt as though I was floating through the air. Our teeth clashed a little but neither of us cared because this was the first time we had kissed in just over a month and we were both positively starved of affection. Millions of people around the world want Harry yet I am the lucky one who gets to call him mine. We met by chance, we got talking by coincidence because it isn't every day you meet someone who has an insane amount of common interests as yourself. I bit his bottom lip a little and I smiled against his mouth as he made an uncomfortable sound which told me he was forcing himself to not let out a moan since we were in public. Once I remembered that a lot of people were watching I forced myself to stop kissing Harry but I still buried my face into the side of his neck, him doing the same with me.

"I've missed you so much, love."

I blushed a little at the comment but I quickly hid my face into Harry's shoulder once more.

"I've missed you too, you have no idea Harry."

We didn't bother in whispering our declaration of love but I could see it in Harry's eyes. He was happy to be home; he was happy to be back with me. He had invited me to go on his tour with him but I had politely declined because even though we both hated it we had to get used to the long distance in our relationship no matter how hard it was. I feel so bad for couples who were in long distance relationships before internet was invented, how did they keep it up? The saying that the heart will only grow fonder when it is starved of love must really be true. Speaking of my heart I could feel it pounding against my rib cage and I could feel the gentle thudding in Harry's chest as well. Eventually we both pulled away and Harry now noticed Niall standing to the side giving us both a weird look and pretending to vomit. Harry looked at me and then back at Niall as he figured that we had actually came here together. I bit my lip and looked down but it was Niall who spoke up for us both;

"I've been a bit of an arse to Louis, Harry. We both realised that it wasn't fair on you if we didn't get along. The last week or so we've been getting over our differences."

By now an even bigger grin split onto Harry's face, probably enough to split the skin in half. I had to hide my embarrassment when I noticed Harry's now blood-red lips which I'm sure mine were matching. I could feel a stinging sensation on the thin layer of skin which was enough to tell me that a bruise was beginning to form. The pain was more than worth it though. Niall gave us one more fake look of disgust before we all walked out- Chris had already left which told me that Niall told him we drove here ourselves. Harry gave me a look out the corner of his eyes when he spotted his own car there and not mine, I already knew what was coming and I shook my head no furiously.

"You didn't drive did you?"

I continued to shake my head and Harry looked at Niall with a bit of a panicked expression. I knew what he was going to say but I would rather he said it where paparazzi might not catch it as the incident was now running through my mind which was causing me to get steadily more embarrassed than I previously was over our very public display of affection when he got off of the plane. Niall gave me a strange look before climbing into the driver’s side once again whilst I slid into the back with Harry. I also noticed that he didn't have a suitcase but then again he does have a lot of clothes in his flat so he doesn't exactly need one to begin with. I scooted over in the middle seat so I could rest my cheek against Harry's shoulder. I grinned more when I felt his arm snake around to rest on my hip.

"What was that reaction about Harry to your car being the one we used to get here?"

Now I buried my face but for another reason. Harry gave me an amused look before turning to Niall. I tried to distract him because I didn't want him knowing the extremely embarrassing moment which occurred when we were still only friends. About six weeks after we first met Harry invited me to fly out to Los Angeles with him for a few days that he had to himself and I had jumped at the chance since I was in desperate need for a holiday. On our second day there we had rented a car and drove around the coastline to Malibu but not without something happening. I was shaking my head silently asking Harry not to say what happened but I already knew that it was a lost cause. He chuckled a little before revealing the very embarrassing story much to my displeasure;

"When we went to Los Angeles when we were still friends we decided to do some sightseeing. We rented a car and drove up to Malibu. I didn't have my license with me at the time so Louis drove us. Police stopped us twice on the same fucking road, pulled us over, fined Louis all because he was driving too slow."

I looked down to my feet and it wasn't long until a very loud obnoxious laugh echoed in the large vehicle. I know that Harry was embarrassed at my own stupidity that day. In my defence though it was my first time driving on the opposite side of the road and it took me a while to get used to American cars since they didn't have the same gears as we do here. I'm too used to changing gears every few minutes here and it really fucked with my mind at how simple it was a drive a car in America. Niall was still laughing in the front seat which only caused my cheeks to get even hotter than they previously were. Right now I really wasn't in the best mood with my boyfriend. It didn't take long until we were pulling up to the familiar complex and Niall handed over the keys to Harry once again. Harry let out a very dramatic sigh of relief that his expensive vehicle was in one piece. We all made our way upstairs into Harry's flat and he frowned at how clean the place actually was. He gave me an odd look which caused me to blush again and I looked down at my feet once more.

"Have you been staying here while I've been gone Louis?"

I shook my head in an awkward way which confused him a bit. I know he found it a bit amusing that I had stayed here when he was gone but it did make me feel closer to him despite him being thousands of miles away from me. I really do hate long distance relationships but we don't have a choice. Harry's job is far too demanding to stay in the one country but he does get paid essentially to travel the world which is an incredible thing. It really must be amazing getting to see so many different cultures with your own eyes as you never really know until you have seen it yourself. Everyone perceives things differently.

"I've been coming here through the day, makes me feel not so far away from you while you are on tour. I go home to spend the night at my own house though."

Niall made another gagging noise at how cute we were being currently but I knew it wasn't in a homophobic way, it was just strange for him to see because himself and Harry are related through law. Which was why for the next three hours that Niall stayed with us we both had a silent agreement to make him as uncomfortable as possible by kissing, hugging and sending each other heart eyes. It was enough to make us all laugh at the end even though he still felt incredibly awkward right up until he left. The second the door was closed we both broke down into hysterical laughter but it didn't last for long until I heard a choked sob break through which had come from Harry.

With that I scooted closer and pulled him into a tight hug. He didn't need to say anything; I knew that there was something regarding his past really bugging him. It was like a never ending cycle with Harry. One minute he could be extremely happy and the next he would be crying in a corner. Like he has said on numerous occasions, the depression comes and goes. Whenever he goes a long time without being entrapped into the dark tunnel he is sucked even deeper in. He won't ever fully escape it. I hope that eventually he can learn to at least fully contain it so it isn't as hard when it does come around- which he is slowly learning. He leaned back a little and looked me deep in the eye before saying quietly- his voice crackling ever so slightly;

"I've got a really bad feeling, Louis. One I've had before. I had this feeling just before Marcel died, I had it just before my parents and sister left that day. I can't shake the thought away that something is going to happen, and I don't know what. If something does happen Louis, please don't leave me. I understand that it gets a lot for you but I need you, more than I care to admit and not just in a relationship way. You keep me slightly saner, Louis. I don't know how I would be if that ended."

A tiny tear rolled down his cheek and I didn't hesitate to close the space between us for a few seconds. My lips were still dangerously close to his since I pulled back just enough to look him in the eye before quietly saying;

"Of course I won't leave you Harry. I love you, so much and I know that you need me. The truth is, I need you too. You help me see the good in everyone, you've taught me so much and I don't want to lose that or you."

I felt Harry bump his head lightly against mine in an admiring way which caused my cheeks to redden a little more.

"I love you as well, Louis."


	42. Forty-One.

It still didn't seem real to me.

These past few weeks Harry and I have been lucky if we even get a couple of hours to ourselves yet now we pretty much have two entire days to do whatever we want. That might not be a long time for most couples but for us, it felt like a year. Of course I would like to see my boyfriend an awful lot more than I actually do but I know that Harry won't give up his singing career just to be with me. That would be extremely selfish on my part and I would never get over the guilt that would plague me day and night for doing something like that. That would only be multiplied because then Harry's fans would suddenly turn on me and probably wouldn't hesitate to send me incredibly horrible messages on my social media.

We are just fortunate that we both have so much going on with us separately that it isn't difficult to not think of each other. That sounds really horrible when I say it but it is true. If I thought about Harry constantly I would only miss him even more and vice versa. It wouldn't be good for us relationship wise to miss each other so much. We just need to treasure the little time we do have and make the most of it. Hence the reason that Harry was currently on his laptop looking for some fancy restaurant so he could book us a reservation for tomorrow night.

I wouldn't say I was against it because that meant he would be spending a ridiculous amount of money but that is normal for couples on a milestone date. Maybe I could weave myself in at some point and pay for part of it so I won't feel too bad. We were just going to go to the movies later and then go bowling. At the last suggestion I scowled because I had still not managed to beat Harry once in all of the games that we have played. I don't know how he got so good at the game and I want to know because then I could irritate my siblings. I think it is in our genes to all be complete and utter sore losers as neither of us like to be second- it must always be first.

I chuckled a little at remembering the whole argument between Lottie and Daisy on Christmas Eve last year- the first time that Harry had met my family. Quite honestly, I have never been so terrified in my life and I am glad that it went well. Whenever I felt like we were moving far too fast in our relationship because it was quick at first, I just think that we wouldn't be where we are today if we weren't.

"What about here, Louis?"

I snapped my head to the side to see Harry looking at me with an amused expression which caused me to blush in embarrassment. I hide my flaming cheeks as quickly as I possibly could and looked at his laptop to see what restaurant he was looking at. My eyes widened in surprise because I was expecting him to choose somewhere like the last expensive dinner we’d had. This place looked quite reserved and dare I say it- ordinary. I scanned some of the reviews and I nodded at Harry. When I done this he slid out his phone and called the number, making a reservation under my name so that it would be harder for paparazzi or anyone else to follow us.

We can't escape it but I'm slowly getting used to it. I'll have to because I really do feel like Harry and I are in this relationship for the long haul. I haven't spoken to him about this yet since we are both so young, still only teenagers actually. I forget at times to be honest how young I am considering everything that has been going on over the last couple of years, it feels like that all happened in the span of at least five years. Everything has been so crammed and has gone so fast that it is hard to even tell what day it is at times.

The only thing that really kept my mind from going into complete overdrive was Harry because he has had it a hell of a lot worse than I have. I try my best not to think about what had happened to him but I just can't stop thinking about it. The fact that Harry has a mental illness now which escalated through all of that only makes it more real. It was hard to believe it back in April when all of that spilled from his mouth. I never did tell him that when he said he wanted to tell me everything that a small part of my brain was telling me that it was just a very well-rehearsed lie. I knew this wasn't the truth though when Harry broke down like that and all of the little things that I had noticed were rather strange about him only confirmed it.

I don't think I need to tell him that because I don't want him to relive his horrific childhood again. Harry hung up soon after and set his phone back on the side of the couch that we were currently sitting on. We had the television on but we weren't exactly watching, it was just there to create some kind of noise in the background. I could see Harry's head beginning to lull to the side as he was fighting off jet lag. I had told him to sleep for a couple of hours when we got back to his flat but he point-blank refused to do so. I bit my tongue when I figured out why he didn't want to sleep. Once I had gotten a good look at his face after we broke apart out of our embrace in the airport it hadn't been difficult for me to see the blueish purple marks underneath his eyes which he had tried unsuccessfully to cover with makeup. There was only one reason for that- nightmares.

It comes and goes.

That is what Harry told me concerning his internal battle with his mind. This was only confirmed more when these terrors were grasping him when he should be lying completely peaceful and rested had come back. I don't even think I've witnessed him have more than ten but every time he does it even scares me a little bit more because I now know that they are in fact, memories. If they scare him so much when he is nineteen, how scared was he when all of that was actually happening? I shook my head again just enough that Harry wouldn't see because I didn't want him reminded of anything. I don't want him to revert back to a dark place that I luckily never got to see.

I've only heard little bits and pieces from Niall about how bad it actually was. Harry has already told me that he refused to eat, barely talked and just closed off from everyone- refusing to let anyone in. I didn't want it to happen but I knew the inevitable day would come. To be honest, I would rather it came soon and not later on down the line when everything seemed ok again. Perhaps then Harry would finally be able to completely let go of his past and fight his mentality fully. He knows how to control his episodes and how to stop panic attacks now, but that doesn't mean he has learned to control his illness.

I want that day to come.

I want the day to come that we can openly talk about anything and everything with each other. I want the day to come that I no longer have to be cautious over what I say and do in case I accidentally trigger an episode. Maybe that will happen but I know it won't be soon. Harry's worry was still imprinted in my mind because he was obviously anxious over something. I can understand why though. He has said he got a feeling similar to what he has now the day that Marcel died and almost a year after that when his parents and sister were killed in a horrible car accident. I can't even lie to Harry by saying that I know what that feels like because I haven't lost someone that I am extremely close with. The only thing I can relate to in that retrospect was when two of my grandparents passed away, and I wasn't even that close with them.

Once again I came out of my thoughts when I spotted the time on the clock, telling us the film we were going to see was starting in an hour so we had better leave now if we don't want to be late. I pulled my coat on and ruffled my hair a little before following Harry down the stairs into the warm autumn air. I think this is my favourite season of all. It isn't too hot yet it isn't too cold. At least I don't need to worry about having to completely lather myself in sunscreen to avoid turning into a human lobster. That did happen when I got back from Miami to the point that I had to peel off dead skin that was how burnt I got.

By now I had told Harry about Olly moving back here in less than a month and he was very happy for me. They had gotten along with each other well whenever he was around when we were Skyping or facetiming each other. It didn't want to bring it up because I know that Harry gets really nervous whenever I bring up the topic of him meeting someone that I have known for practically my entire life. He was like this with Chad and he was definitely like this when he was meeting my family. I think it was when we were all sitting around in the living room with our instruments that it really sunk in that our relationship was serious and not something silly. Getting my parents approval as well only solidified this because they are both extremely hesitant of me dating considering I have been hurt terribly before.

I sometimes forget now just how much humiliation I have gone through in my life. Feeling like I was being used as a toy, for someone to walk all over and then leave in a heap on the ground. When all of that happened I genuinely felt like I was to blame but now I know there really is no one to blame apart from the psychopath that is my ex. It probably isn't right for me to compare him to a mental disorder considering Harry has one but it is the only word that I can think of to describe his controlling ways even slightly. I hadn't even realised that I had slid into the passenger side of Harry's car until I felt the moving sensation. I really do zone out when I am in deep thought.

I could see it in Harry's eyes even though he tried to hide it. Every day he was getting slightly more nervous and I knew it was because that feeling he had was getting stronger. Just seeing that scared look coating his emerald eyes in a kind of invisible mist was enough to set me on edge. Of course it could just be a feeling but I know like most people that gut feelings as a whole are never just a feeling- they usually are confirmed to be real. If this was a gut feeling that Harry had and considering he has said that he has had a similar feeling beforehand just before tragedy struck- made me extremely nervous as well.

We had soon pulled up outside of the cinema, Harry pulling his hood on and I followed suit to try and hide our faces. It probably wouldn't because pictures would be online very soon about us spending a night together as a couple and not just two people on opposite sides of the spectrum. It does sicken me when people think that I am using Harry simply for money and to make a name for myself- because it couldn't be further from the truth. I do have genuine feelings for him and my heart does beat considerably quicker whenever he is in a close proximity. I refuse to take any of his money and almost always refuse to let him buy me expensive things. The only thing Harry really has bought me that cost a lot of money was that Yves Saint Laurent suit for when we attended the gay pride awards together a few months ago and the plane tickets that he got for me and Chad. Nothing else. As much as it annoys the living daylights out of me, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and if that is what they want to believe- they can believe it. I've learnt by now to ignore any negative comments towards our relationship and to myself.

A few people were giving us odd looks when we walked inside and I couldn't figure out whether it was because they recognised us or if it was because they were thinking we were insane for wearing our hoods up inside. Neither are really good but we don't want a ridiculous amount of attention to be on us only and we simply want to have a date as a couple and nothing else. After a stupid argument before we left, Harry had caved in and allowed for me to pay for tonight as long as he paid for dinner tomorrow. It was a reasonable common ground that we could both agree on without another stupid argument.

We both stepped over to the desk once the queue had died down a bit and Harry silently told the girl who was standing there with her mouth agape not to freak out. We didn't want to cause any kind of meltdown in here. She still had that look on her face but she nodded and proceeded to hand over our tickets and Harry leaned over to sign her phone case for her when she discretely handed it over. I could feel a few eyes on us but luckily no one else approached as we made our way over to the room where the film was playing. We had both settled for seats in the middle because then we wouldn't be trying to see over everyone's heads and we also wouldn't need to crane our necks at an extremely awkward angle in order to see the screen.

Two hours had quickly passed and we were once again in Harry's flat. We had been rather tired after the film and had decided to leave the bowling for another time. Instead we opted to play silly games that he had which had generated a lot of laughs and plenty of aching ribs. It was beginning to get a bit late but I just wasn't tired enough to sleep and I knew that Harry was struggling to get back into the time zone considering he was in California not long ago and they are eight hours behind in time. By now it would probably only be mid-afternoon yet here it is now almost midnight seen as we had gone to a later showing as we knew it wouldn't be quite as busy after a specific time.

The next day we both decided to just drive around the city for a bit and I can't deny that I was severely pissed off when paparazzi spotted us and began following Harry's car. It even got to the point that Harry had to slam down on the breaks because someone stopped right in front of us to take a picture which only aggravated me even more. I don't mind attention from Harry's fans, but press is a whole other story. They were obviously having a field day that Harry was back in London for another day and it did suck that he had to fly back to California in the early hours to be on time for his next television interview which I think he said was on the Late Late Show. I would need to tune in to that to watch considering it is only one of a very few channels that is available in this country.

After a couple of hours of doing this, Harry dropped me off at my house so that I could get changed- he just said to dress nice but not fancy. I sifted through all of my clothes until my fingers brushed against the expensive material of that suit jacket. I cocked my head to the side and held it up against me seeing as I was wearing my trademark skinny jeans. It actually doesn't look bad. This would be casual yet not too casual. I nodded to myself and pulled out a plain white t shirt and pulled the coat on, rolling the sleeves a couple of times so they landed just below my elbows. I carefully sculpted my hair up into a slightly messy quiff before deeming myself ready.

My mum was at work and my sisters were all staying with friends for the night so it was only me in the house. I snapped to attention when hearing a knock on the door which told me that Harry was here. I picked up my cologne and sprayed just enough on me to leave a scent that wasn't overpowering but was still noticeable and ran downstairs. The second I saw Harry, mentally my jaw dropped to the ground as I took him in but I kept my expression pretty stoic before leaning up to gently kiss him. Each time his plump pout met my thin lips a jolt went through me, a jolt that I could easily get addicted to and I wouldn't mind being addicted to.

We broke away from one another after a minute before my eyes trailed Harry's attire once more, I had to bite my lip at the moan that was desperate to escape with how amazing he looked. He himself was wearing his jeans that were so tight they looked as though they had been painted on but he had ditched his usual patterned shirts for a plain black button up that looked as though it was made of satin with a trench coat on. I've always considered trench coats as a girl’s type of clothing but Harry was heavily rocking it and it looked amazing on him- although it did make him look a lot taller than he already is which made me feel tiny again despite being an average height.

Once again it was Harry's driver whose name I have still not learned despite us now being together for a year. I knew though that Harry didn't know his name either which made me feel better considering Harry has known him for two and a half years. We pulled up at the restaurant and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when there were no flashes that greeted us which meant we might get a night completely to ourselves before we are forced apart again with Harry's job. We waited a couple of minutes before we were directed to our table which was near the back and was pretty obscured from sight which meant we would have privacy.

We shared a couple of short, sweet kisses whilst we waited on our food to arrive. I had been quick to realise that this was an Italian restaurant. Harry ordered a chicken Alfredo which was quite bog standard but it did taste delicious so I wouldn't complain whilst I ordered carbonara. Currently we were both enjoying a starter of vegetable soup with breadsticks and garlic bread. Neither of us were even caring about the rank breath everyone gets after eating said food because it was delicious.

Once we had finished, a waiter walked over and took our dishes and we were told the main would be out in a couple of minutes. To pass the time we sipped on the red wine that Harry had purchased and filled each other in on our respective lives. Once our food came out the smell invaded my nostrils and made me drool at the beautiful scent. Unsurprisingly it only took a couple of minutes until the food had been devoured and by now our dessert had arrived- a rich triple chocolate fudge cake with ice cream on the side. I really have no words to describe the incredible explosion of flavours that happened in my mouth the second I took a bite.

We finished not long after and Harry sent a message to his driver to come and pick us up. We stood up from the comfy seats and Harry proceeded to push the cork into the bottle of wine because we would finish that later. The cold air hit me square in the face as soon as we stepped outside whilst waiting on our ride. I let out a short chuckle when I felt Harry nuzzle his head a little to the side of my cheek which caused me to turn my head to the side and seal our just parted lips.

"I love you, Harry."

He didn't hesitate to connect our lips again for a second before repeating;

"And I love you as well, Louis. Happy one-year anniversary."


	43. Forty-Two.

It didn't seem right in my head to realise that it was now the end of November. It feels like the days are disappearing extremely slowly at the time, but winter was more or less here before I could even blink it seemed. The cold frosty air hadn't kicked in yet but I knew it was going to any day now and I was really not looking forward to it. If it was possible to completely skip a specific season- winter would be the one that I would delete from my life because then I wouldn't have to constantly look at the ground for ice on the streets that could potentially break my neck if I slid on it.

At least I had more people to keep me entertained for a while though since Olly only lived ten minutes away from my house which meant we could get up to so much mayhem. However, Chad had finally gotten his revenge with his reaction to the cheating rumours after Olly was branded my new 'toy' as a specific newspaper had put it which had embarrassed my well-travelled friend but had made Chad laugh. By now I just wasn't affected by the rumours, it comes with being in a relationship with an A-List, multimillionaire singer whose face is constantly printed on tabloids.

Two weeks before as well I had properly introduced Harry to Olly and much like whenever it was through a computer screen- they got along really well. I was glad for that because I didn't want another extremely awkward triangle between any of us except last time it was me, Harry and Niall. Speaking of Harry, he still had that odd feelings two months later and it was still leaving an extremely unsettling feeling in my body. Logically it seemed as though he was nervous over nothing but somehow I knew it wasn't.

I didn't know what was going to happen or when it was going to happen. I don't even really want to know but I wish it would happen soon so that this weird gnawing sensation would disappear. It was like that feeling you get when you are about to throw up and it tingles in the back of your throat- only a hell of a lot worse. I think that is because when you get the same sensation, it isn't as bad because it will end in a couple of minutes at most. In this sense I had no idea when it was going to end so it only seemed to get worse every day that passed when in reality it wasn't. In reality it was probably just an imaginary feeling and nothing to be worrying about.

It was beginning to wear Harry down and in turn it was wearing me down. Our relationship as a whole has usually been smooth sailing with the occasional large wave hitting us and knocking us completely off balance. Feeling like you are drowning for a split second and then suddenly being able to breathe again. It was quite a horrible comparison to make but that is what it felt like. There really has only been one time during the past eighteen months we've known each other that this had happened and that was when we had that huge fight over Harry not wanting to tell me anything.

I understand now though not to annoy Harry about extremely personal things because I know he will tell me when he is ready to tell me. At the time though I didn't understand the seriousness of it and it was only made more real when he broke down in my arms that night. I'm glad though that I didn't let my own pride get in the way of that week, I'm glad that I decided to wait until I had closure. If I didn't get that closure I wouldn't be with Harry today, I wouldn't have such a deep understanding of a lot of things.

It was only a few days until December and that only meant colder days. It unfortunately also meant that I only have a month left of being a teenager and I refuse to accept it. I may have grown older mentally from gaining a much greater understanding, I refuse to accept it physically. I'm getting old and I want to just fly to Neverland and not come back again. However, it is life and I would have to accept it with a grunt despite not wanting to get older. I don't want that one to disappear in front of my age and turn into a two. To be fair though, Olly is already twenty and if anything, he is more crazy in his twenties than he was in his teenage years. That gave me some kind of hope that the next decade of my life won't be too horrendous after all.

I was worried though, not for myself but for my boyfriend. Yesterday he had received a call and he had come back into the room physically shaking to the point that I knew he wouldn't say anything so I had just let it be. All he did tell me was that it was a call from his lawyer. What could that phone call have been about if it scared Harry the way that it did? I don't even know if he was scared but he sure as hell looked like it. I even made sure to have a paper bag in my pocket in case he had a panic attack- not that I wanted him to have one but I had to be prepared. I have to be prepared for a lot of things considering my boyfriend has a recognised mental illness.

No matter how often I wish I couldn't say that word to describe it, there isn't one that can mean the same thing. Instead of say, his immune system fighting against him it is his own mind. Entrapping him into a dark tunnel with no light that seems to slowly get even smaller by the second until it is physically suffocating. It is quite a philosophical thought but that is really how it is based on what I've witnessed first-hand from Harry. I always thought it was stupid when people who had any kind of illness whether it be anorexia all the way to depression like Harry does, said that they couldn't help it. I now knew that it was true what they were saying as the mind is the hardest part to conquer considering it does control body movements. People who do have any of these illnesses must feel at times like they are some kind of puppet who wants to break free of the strings holding them in one place yet never being able to snap the thin, translucent wire.

This was why I was so scared when I saw Harry's reaction to that phone call.

I knew he couldn't help his reaction but it was scary to see. Was that strange feeling he had a gut feeling like I assumed? If it was, I knew somehow that whatever his lawyer had said to him was probably the reason why he had it. There was a horrible realisation though that I just didn't want to accept even though I knew it was true. Harry's been in legal troubles before but not on his own accord because you can't exactly choose to be sexually assaulted at eight years old. I knew and I think Niall knew too despite Harry not telling us anything.

That call from his lawyer was something concerning his past that may possibly resurface and I have no idea how I feel about it. I guess I'll just need to bite the bullet and get on with it. I'll need to not leave Harry's side if he does revert to the dark place that I never witnessed and I have only read a tiny bit about. This meant I would probably have to read those diary entries to gain an understanding of just how bad it can possibly get. If it got to the point that Harry was borderline anorexic and scared to leave his own house- how much worse could it get? I didn't want to think about it and so with that I continued watching the television seen as Harry had promotion since he had released his second album just under a month ago.

The last few months for me had been amazing; I'm not going to lie. I mean, my mum finally went to see someone and she is now in remission which I am extremely grateful for. Apart from that I had all of my sisters, who were now a lot happier that they didn't have to rely on me constantly. The best thing though, was Harry. Despite all of the fights we've had, all that we've went through together, I still love him. Although over the last week he had acted a little strange. I know fine well he hadn't cheated or anything of the sort seen as we'd spent multiple days together since he had released that documentary. The only days we didn’t spend together was when he had to do promotion in another country and even then we were constantly calling and texting one another. I won't lie; the number of people who immediately started apologising for the bullying was ridiculous once the footage had emerged. It made me feel sick to my stomach. Then again, I've never liked the whole idea of bullying. I think it is a disgusting thing and it should most definitely not be legal in any way.

No, he was acting strange for another reason. I don't know exactly what it was but I knew it had something to do with his past. I was sitting on my bed tossing and turning seen as it were the early hours just thinking. I was trying to think about just what was going on in his mind but I didn't want to intrude. I don't want the guy taking a full blown panic attack again. When he took that one when Niall accidentally revealed a horrible part of his childhood was enough for me to witness, but what was it like for him? I sighed in defeat at the fact that I was clearly not getting sleep any time soon so I took out my phone and opened up twitter. I slowly scrolled through my timeline but nothing was catching my eye. That was until I spotted a lot of tweets from a certain someone. I instantly clicked on his page reading the tweets. I bit my lip as I read the first one;

Goodbye cruel world.

He had sent around twenty separate short quotes. I bit my tongue and I could taste a warm coppery liquid. I swallowed straight away whilst wiping a tear off my cheek. I continued reading the tweets when I felt my eyes widen on one in particular.

Life is a time bomb. Sometimes you explode and other times you lie dominant.

It was now I knew that something was severely wrong. It seemed I wasn't the only one as I spotted a certain hashtag trending, #whatswrongharry. Suddenly, as if a bus had hit me straight on, I figured out what was happening. I just hoped that I wasn't too late. My body was in immediate denial but my heart was telling me that the one thing I wished didn't happen was happening. I need to get to Harry's flat as soon as I possibly can before it is far too late. The last tweet had been sent half an hour ago and that was not a good thing because that meant I could possibly be too late. I grabbed my keys and sprinted out of the door not even bothering to take a jacket, all I felt was adrenalin and not in a good way. I jumped in my car, starting the engine and drove out. I know I shouldn't have, but I called Niall, who was extremely groggy since I had just forced him to wake up from his sleep.

"Louis, it's fucking four in the morning. Why are you calling?!"

He yelled into my ear but I didn't let the volume of his voice affect me and I answered back frantically;

"Niall, get to Harry's now! I-I think he's killing himself."

I hung up and pressed down on the accelerator. I was well over the limit but right now I didn't care about laws. I soon got to my destination before sprinting as fast as I could to his flat. It seemed quiet in the neighbourhood- far too quiet for my liking. Once I was on the third floor I came to his door, which was unlocked. I ran inside before calling out;

"Harry!"

I knew he was in because he never left without locking his door but he didn't answer. What I did hear though was running water and I knew fine well that Harry wasn't about to take a bath at this time in the morning. I ran into his bathroom and almost screamed when I did so. The room as usual, was immaculately clean. This didn't surprise me as he is a clean freak. Nothing seemed out of place but what did was the slumped figure on the floor. I ran over to him and immediately knelt down, pressing down on his wrist in search of a pulse. He was breathing but it was very faint and the tap was still running a little. I realised that he must have taken a bath but something had happened and he’d fell unconscious. I brushed the damp curls away from his forehead whilst I choked back tears.

"Harry!"

I shook him trying to get a response but there wasn't one. There was no blood, so I knew he didn't cut himself again nor did he fall over and hurt his head. It was when I looked on the floor and I saw the empty bottle of prescribed medication that I realised my suspicions had been correct. I saw that same bottle two days ago and it was full. It was now I let my tears fall and they were falling hard. I felt around his neck before pressing down trying to find a pulse- again, there was nothing. I heard footsteps in the corridor before hearing a loud gasp. I looked up still crying and I saw the familiar blonde who looked as though he had just come into contact with a ghost or something.

"Call an ambulance Niall, now! He hasn't got a pulse!"

He nodded before doing exactly what I just said. He knelt down at his opposite side holding him tightly to his body and mumbling "no" over and over again. I didn't do anything, I wasn't feeling anything, and I couldn't speak. It was as if something invisible had wrapped its hands around my neck and squeezed hard, I just felt numb. I soon came back to reality when I spotted Niall pressing down on his chest; I understood what he was trying to do and joined in myself.

After a few minutes passed it became clear that it wasn't going to work, so I held his mouth open and took a deep breath. I leaned down, locking my own lips with his exhaling the air into his lungs. I now realised that we were no longer alone, I felt someone's arms wrap around me as well as Niall and drag us both out of the room, I only saw people who were clearly paramedics run in. I just hoped they would be able to help him. Someone else came in carrying a stretcher laying it down in front of us, I looked at it almost as if it was just a prop in a movie scene. It only confirmed everything that was happening despite me not wanting to believe it at all. I wanted to believe that this was simply a really bad dream but this was clearly not the case at all.

"What happened?"

I noticed Niall was physically shaking; I wasn't as I felt like lead. It was a weird feeling. I couldn’t describe it even if I had tried to. I felt numb from everything, not a single emotion was more prominent to another and my mind became a huge frazzle as a result of this.

"I-I think he overdosed."

I choked on the last word as my tears soaked my cheeks. We were led out into an ambulance as they carried Harry's limp body; I spotted a few people outside in their pyjamas who were wanting to see what all of the commotion was about. They all gasped at the sight. Most of Harry's neighbours were old so they didn't understand his hectic lifestyle all too well but they all cared for him. I noticed a doctor go inside before shutting the door. Before he did this however, he sent us both an apologetic look. I jumped back into my car along with Niall and we followed the ambulance to the hospital.

I still didn't say anything, surely this wasn't happening. This had to be a dream, a seriously fucked up dream. However, Niall's sobs confirmed that this was reality. I stopped the car once we got there and we both hurried in after them. He was taken into theatre whilst Niall and I stayed outside as they weren't allowing us in. I pulled Niall in and just allowed him to cry on my chest. I wanted to believe this was a horrible dream and I would wake up but that wasn't going to happen.

A minute had passed, then five, and finally two hours had passed. Two hours we had spent sitting in the hallway. We hadn't received any information as of yet but when we do I just hope it is good news. Niall was still crying a lot but I couldn't anymore, my eyes had completely dried up. All I felt was a huge gaping hole in my chest and nothing more than that. What would happen if he didn't make it? No, Louis. Don't think like that. Another three hours had passed when a middle aged man walked out of the room.

"Are you here for Mr. Styles?"

We both nodded standing up, waiting impatiently as nerves ate us up from the inside.

"Please tell us he's ok?"

Niall pleaded the question we were both thinking. He held his head low and I swear my heart was about to shatter. He can’t be, I won’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it. Harry couldn’t be dead, he had so much to look forward to in life.

"He's stable again; we also pumped all the medication out of his system. It appears as though Mr. Styles attempted to overdose on antidepressants in the hope that he would not wake up. You were lucky you found him when you did. A few minutes later and the medication would most likely have dissolved his liver and by then we wouldn't have been able to do anything for him except put him out of his misery."

At this we both collapsed into each other's arms in relief, he was alive. He was going to be ok. It was now I felt a vibrating in my pocket; I took out my phone to see my mum was calling me. 

"Louis William Tomlinson, where are you?!"

I heard her bellow. I winced at her tone; I should probably have left a note so that she wouldn’t worry too much about me. I paused to think of what to say, did I want to tell her what had just happened? I knew that I had to get it out there though and if there was someone I trusted outside this very small ring of people who know the entire truth then it was my mum.

"I'm at the hospital mum, Harry attempted something stupid."

I heard the quiet "oh" from the other side signalling she understood what I meant with stupid. I noticed they were now allowing us into the room, so I told my mum before hanging up. We both walked in slowly as we didn’t know what to expect. Did he remember what he done? Or had he forgotten? He was asleep but I have never been so happy to see his chest rising and falling. We both took a seat at opposite sides of his bed, I took his hand in mine gripping tight. It was now I realised just how much I needed him in my life, just losing him for a few minutes was horrible, what would it be like to lose him forever? I shuddered at the thought.

We sat in silence both listening to Harry's short breaths. We didn't dare to speak, didn't dare to move at all. It was an unspoken agreement to be in the room when he woke up. Another hour had passed before Niall finally gave in to his grumbling stomach, so he went downstairs to the café to get us both something to eat. Not too long after he left I felt a slight twitch at my hand, please don't be a spider. I looked down and I noticed Harry's clasped hand. My eyes trailed up before landing on his face and his alert green eyes. He smiled lightly at me which I returned. He squeezed my hand tighter almost as if he thought he was hallucinating. I gently traced my thumb over his knuckles.

"Hey."

I said quietly. He nodded a little acknowledging my presence. I was angry at him of course for trying to end his own life but right now, anger is not the reaction Harry needs. What he needs most right now is someone to be there for him, someone there to hold him, care for him, and love him. I was more than willing to be there for him through this. We both sat there in silence for a few minutes. Words weren't needed to explain how we felt. I could tell he was a little disappointed that he didn't succeed but he was also relieved. I gently cupped his cheek with my hand before asking;

"Do you remember what happened?"

His eyebrows knitted together at my question as he shook his head. I stayed quiet for a few seconds before I just said it;

"You- you overdosed Harry. You almost killed yourself. In fact, they resuscitated you, you were dead Harry."

I started crying as the reality sunk in. His eyes widened a little and his grip tightened on my hand.

"Love, please stop crying, I'm alive. That's all that matters."

The next couple of minutes were just him comforting me. I wasn't crying because I was upset. I was crying because I was so happy. I gently stroked his cheek as he asked;

"What actually happened?"

It came out barely a whisper more than anything else. I bit my lip as I thought over everything before saying;

"Well I was struggling to sleep so I was scrolling through twitter. You'd tweeted a lot which I thought unusual and I guess I just knew. I called Niall and drove to your place. I found you lying unconscious on your bathroom floor, you didn't have a pulse so we called an ambulance and well- "

I couldn't continue as by now I was a sobbing mess. He clenched my hand tightly. 

"Louis- "

He trailed off when I gave him a look. I already knew fine well that Harry was slowly reaching breaking point but I never thought he would have done something like this. Then again, I didn't have a traumatic childhood and it hurt knowing I will never fully understand what it's really like for him. He tightened his grip on my hand once again to reassure me.

"Louis, please stop crying."

Hot salty tears were running down my face, leaving little trails of where the liquid had been against my skin. My breathing was extremely erratic to the point that I felt my lungs contracting painfully inside of my rib cage, desperate for a full breath of air. I had managed to calm my sobs down now as I replied;

"You were dead Harry. You were dead. I found you. I found you dead. Niall almost fainted when he saw."

He bit his lip lightly before asking;

"Is Niall here?"

I nodded at this as an answer to his question but I elaborate since he was going to wonder where he was.

"He's getting food. He couldn't stop complaining about his empty stomach."

He chuckled lightly at that, it was scary how much food Niall could eat. We stayed quiet for a few seconds when he said, well more demanded;

"Kiss me Louis."

I happily obliged and leaned down. To annoy him I barely brushed my lips against his causing him to grunt in frustration. He stopped me though as he captured me forcing me to actually meet his lips. We moved slowly, savouring every moment. I felt his hand behind my head pulling my face closer, so close our cheeks were touching. He opened up to breathe which gave me my chance to slip my tongue inside his mouth. He groaned again in pleasure as I explored his mouth deliberately slow. I could feel the hesitation in his sweet and tender movements though which brought me back into the reality I was now facing. Before I could think much on it we were rudely interrupted by a thick accent which caused us to break way immediately;

"What the fuck was that stunt about Harry?!"

I bit my lip at how angry the Irish lad seemed. I turned to face him expecting his face to be red with fury- but it wasn't. The only emotion on his face was one of worry and immense relief. He walked over sitting down as he took Harry's other hand into his own.

"What happened, Harry? You were coping so well."

I spotted a single tear slide down Harry's cheek which I quickly wiped away for him.

"He's out. Someone bailed that monster out."

He started crying full on; I heard a loud gasp from Niall. It took me a while to finally catch on to what this meant. Harry's dad was out of prison, his abuser and rapist had been released after serving less than of half his sentence. It took a few seconds to process this information that was for sure. Niall was holding Harry so close to him I had to remind myself that he was straight. Then again, Niall saved the guys life. He had taken him in when he was starving to death probably in a box or under a bridge somewhere. When he let go of him is when I brought him into my arms. Something seemed off about him though. I scanned his face before looking him in the eye. Right then, my worst fear had been confirmed.

Harry had finally snapped.

His normally vibrant green eyes were dull; there wasn't the tiniest glint in them at all. He had finally reached his last tether after over a decade of dealing with it. With this I held him even closer to me, if I thought he needed me before I was wrong. Now was the only time he would need me. I looked up to face Niall who had a grim expression on his face, something I had never seen before this moment. I knew that Niall loved Harry but not like I do. He loves him like a brother which in a way I suppose he is. After all, it was Niall's dad who took in Harry at his lowest. I felt a single tear slide down my cheek before another, but I wasn't sobbing. The silence between us was horrible but at the same time it felt like we needed to stay quiet. Before I even realised the time, a nurse came in informing us the visiting hours were over. Harry gave us a quick panicked glance before he nodded solemnly. As we were walking out I could almost feel the anger radiating off of Niall.

"What's wrong Niall?"

I slid into my car and he slid into the passenger side. He stayed quiet for a second before he spoke up, breaking the silence;

"Who the fuck would do something like that?"

I gave him a confused glance, he sighed before continuing;

"Louis, the only people who knew why Harry's dad was in prison in the first place is his estranged family, Simon, my immediate family, you and I. I know fine well none of us three did it so what conclusion does that leave?"

I bit my lip letting this new information sink in.

"Someone had done this for one sole reason. This was done to hurt Harry. To ultimately break and spite him Louis."


	44. Forty-Three.

For a long time, I have always thought that one week isn't much time at all. My whole life I always assumed that seven days, one hundred and sixty-eight hours, ten thousand and eighty minutes, six hundred and four thousand and eight hundred seconds. It didn't seem much at all previously, but this past week it feels like years have gone by. There really only was one time that I felt like a week was an incredibly long time and that was that single week in April after Harry and I had that big fight that led to us splitting up for the time.

Now though, that long week feels like it had lasted seconds compared to the last week.

Seven days had passed since I found him and he was rushed into hospital. It was just so fast and chaotic that it felt like no time at all had passed but waiting in that corridor not knowing if the person I loved was going to come out of that room alive was absolute torcher. Not physically, but mentally. It felt as though I had an iron fast wrapped around my throat that was tightening as the seconds went on, slowly suffocating me in the process. It was as if my own stomach was completely repulsed by even the thought of anything entering it, preventing me from eating. It was like there was a bubble wrapped around my head, blocking out all sound from my ears. It was like I was trapped inside of a cage not different from that in a zoo, except I was the animal.

It was horrible, there is no other word to put it. The entire week I had spent every possible visiting hour which was permitted at the hospital and every day I was getting sadder looks thrown my way. I don't want sympathy though. The only thing I want is for my boyfriend to be released from that room and back in my arms. It even got to the point that two days ago a nurse saw just how distressed I was over the entire situation and offered to let me stay the night- I jumped at the chance. Hence why for the past two days I have woken up on a makeshift bed beside Harry. I had heard gossip ring around the hospital whenever I left to get something to eat (even though soup was the only thing I could manage without feeling ill) of ‘The Harry Styles’ being in this hospital.

It is sickening, it truly is. It is horrible that the people who should care about Harry are the ones who are purposely hurting him even more mentally and those who shouldn't care are the ones sending their love to him. Yes, Harry means a lot to his fans, but at the end of the day the majority of them are strangers to him. I went home once during the time I've been here and the second I stepped out of the hospital doors I was swarmed even more by paparazzi. It was like a pack of wolves swooping in on their prey. Too many questions were thrown around to the point that it all became a blur but it wasn't like I could hear them anyway, for some reason I was struggling to even hear.

I gently stood up and arched my back, sighing in contentment at the satisfactory crack in my spine. I was more or less sleeping on the floor on top of numerous blankets and it was difficult to get comfortable. I understood why I couldn't take one of the beds obviously because this is a hospital and there are people who genuinely need one yet I'm just keeping my boyfriend and myself company. Harry had retreated even more into himself and it was as if my entire body was reflecting his. I was finding it difficult to eat, I have had occasional nightmares that consisted of Harry actually dying whether it be in theatre or before I found him. I bit my lip hard at one in particular, one that consisted of a boy whom I never got the chance to meet yet knew so much about.

I'd had one that was Marcel asking Harry to finally join him.

As bittersweet as it is, it was horrible. I know that if Harry's twin were still alive he would never wish his brother dead- not really anyway. There have been occasions when I've said that I wish my sisters were dead because they were annoying me too much, but I really don't know what I would do if either of them did die. I turned my head to the side and groaned a little- 9am. It wasn't that early but considering that it was a Sunday (also known as lazy day) it was early. I had been waking up around the same time every day by hearing nurses and doctors shuffling around in the corridor opposite the door and coming in here to check up on Harry. Suffice to say, it had been an extremely long week.

Niall stopped by most visiting hours as well whenever he could- I was quick to learn that Niall was studying Sound Engineering at university and his studies took up a lot of his time. He doesn't need to say it; I can see it in his face that he regrets not being able to spend time with his brother when he needs him most. It was a horrible thought for me too. I had never even taken it into consideration that Harry would ultimately break to this point. I knew that it was coming, but I didn't think it would hit him so hard in the face that he tried to kill himself. My heart clenched at the thought as if I was still silently coming to terms with what I had witnessed yet I knew that it had happened. This was no fucked up dream despite how much I want it to be. I wish I could wake up and I would be back in Harry's flat, kissing him deeply and laughing at our numerous inside jokes.

At the moment, Harry was still asleep. Soft snores were leaving his perfectly plump lips which caused a ghost of a smile to form on my face. The only reason that Harry was being kept in so long was because doctors feared that some of the pills he had swallowed had absorbed into his bloodstream- too much for the human body to handle. So not only was Harry on suicide watch for three days, numerous liquids were being pumped into his system to reverse the possible physical internal damage. I would have never thought so in depth over something like this if it weren't for that long talk we had the one time we did break up. Harry said that not long after he was raped- I shivered in disgust at the thought- that it was like he was only being repaired. Repairing doesn't fix things though, if anything, things are more fragile when repaired. It was horrible considering the thing in question was Harry.

If a vase was dropped and it smashed, piecing it back together will not put it back to its original state. It will only make the ornament look like its original state. This was the only analogy I could come up with for Harry. Physically he was being repaired, but his mind simply wouldn't be repaired. It probably never would. As much as I would like to have a regular relationship with Harry- it quite simply was never going to happen. Harry can only get slightly better, but he will never be completely better.

It was a soft knock on the door that caught my attention, I snapped my head up assuming it was a nurse asking me to leave the room so he could be examined or even Niall despite him being in lectures currently. I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion at seeing my mum standing there, giving me a look through the glass. A silent request for me to speak to her. When I told my mum about Harry's near suicide, she didn't believe it. I don't know if it was because she physically couldn't believe it or if she just didn't want to believe it. I gave Harry's hand a small squeeze and gave him a gentle kiss on his right cheek before walking out of the room.

A lot of eyes were trained on me once I was out but I didn't let it get to me, unwanted attention is something I have had to get used to ever since I met Harry. The numerous pairs of an array of different colours disappeared soon though when my mum pulled me into a tight hug. I let out a short shaky breath, silently telling her that things were not going good. This was hard on me, to the point that Lottie even suggested that Harry and I should break up, that was how bad it was getting. I only sent her a filthy look because there was no way that I was abandoning Harry. He needs me right now even though when he is awake he barely even mutters a word. If I left Harry, there really is no way that he would carry on in life and he would make sure that someone wouldn't find him this time before it was too late for his life to be saved.

It still doesn't sit well in my stomach that Harry was dead for a while. Just feeling his body in my arms, his damp hair soaking my own clothes but I didn't care. Seeing his whole body slumped that way. The worst thing was not finding a pulse and noticing that he was not breathing. That was how I knew Harry was actually dead when I found him and not just unconscious. I had physically held the man I love's dead body. I followed my mum into the cafe and I rolled my eyes mentally, already knowing she was going to try to get me to eat something. It was roughly a month ago that my mum managed to get her job back although she was on a warning, it was nice having my mum around. The girls had all been staying at Mark's place considering there isn't anyone home long enough to watch the four of them. Having a lot of siblings is hard at times.

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion though when my mum led me through a back door, I was expecting for her to sit down at one of the booths. I let out a soft 'oh' at realising she had led me into the staff room which was completely deserted. I was silently glad for this because I didn't want anyone overhearing everything because I am not comfortable speaking about it.

"Louis, please look at me."

I snapped my head up and stared into her ocean blue eyes, which I had inherited from her. I could see the hurt in her features, how much I was shutting myself out despite feeling like I genuinely can't avoid the recluse. This must have been how Harry felt when Marcel died. He's said that he shut everyone out and pushed people away- a move in which he regrets massively. This was the wakeup call I needed. Harry was living proof that things would not end good if I continue to alienate myself from humanity. I could see tears forming in my mum’s eyes which in turn caused a few tears to coat my own. We didn't even say anything to each other, our bodies reacted before our mouths could. Within a second we were both in each other's arms, silent tears falling from both of our eyes.

"Please don't shut me out, love. You're my son and I don't want to feel like I'm a mother to a hollow version of yourself."

This only made me feel even worse about myself. I could physically hear the pain in her voice when she spoke, her words cracked and a small hiccough left her throat when she finished. I tucked my head into the side of her neck and I was blinded by a mixture of hot salty water and dark brown hair. My mum obviously had to wear her hair in a tight bun when she was working but strands were falling down around her face, in a sense showing just how stressed she was over everything. I gently rubbed her back before speaking- despite my voice being barely above a whisper;

"I'm so sorry mum, I just don't know what is happening to me. I just love him so much and I don't know what I'll do if he dies."

Just speaking that word sent shivers running through my body, and definitely not a good kind. As horrible as it was to think about- even more so because Harry is nineteen- I had to be realistic here. Depression is a terrifying thing. It comes and goes. I never thought that would be the one phrase I would remember most from our whole relationship. It took me a long time to break into Harry's layered exterior and it took even longer for him to tell me everything. Patience was a virtue in our case. If I wasn't patient, then it would just end in catastrophe. If I was patient, then maybe- just maybe- Harry would actually get better. It was a long shot because I know that it is near impossible to fight off your own minds demands. I knew from personal experience and that experience being now.

I knew that I was hurting the people I loved but I was just a complete and utter wreck inside. One part of me was telling me to shy even further away from everything going on around me and another part of me was telling me to put on a brave face and that everything would work out. Unfortunately, it was not the latter that was winning the argument but I knew that I had to try my best. Which was why when my mum offered me some of her chicken and bacon pasta that she’d brought with her for lunch, I forced a few mouthfuls down. It was like I was swallowing bricks and my stomach was immediately tensing at the sudden change. I had barely eaten a single thing this past week. I'm pretty sure those that I am closest to thought I was developing an eating disorder- but I knew I wasn't.

I was just physically sick at the sight of anything that was edible the last seven days. I pushed the pasta back once I knew I had eaten enough that I would have energy for the day and I tried to hide my ashamed face when my mum sent me a pointed look. As much as she wants me to be healthier in this horrible time of my life- she knew that this was my body going through its stage of denial. I stayed to talk with her for the rest of her lunch break before making my way outside, but not without her telling me to keep Chad and Olly updated.

Much like my mum’s reaction, when my two best friends found out that my boyfriend tried to kill himself- they were shocked. Harry puts on such a brave face in the public: nobody would suspect he was fighting a mental illness. Neither of them needed to ask me what was going on the last year or so, they just knew that everything wasn't as perfect as it seemed. Imagine having a cake that came out of the oven really bad. There are only two options then. The first is to throw it away and try again whereas the second is to decorate it to make it look nice. It was a strange way to look at things but for years Harry was the second option. However, the last week it had definitely been the first option.

Deathly silence greeted me when I entered the room in which Harry was. I was silently glad that nurses had taken it into consideration that some people would stop at nothing to get close to Harry and they had put him in a private ward. It was only accessible to those who had the password and my mum was kind enough to give me it. She knew that this was silently killing me inside. If this is really how Harry has felt for all of these years, I don't know how he does it. How can someone with this much conflicting thoughts even begin to comprehend a fake happiness? Then again, not all of that happiness was fake. Harry is genuinely happy on stage as it’s what he loves doing and I know that he is genuinely happy with me. Everything else though, it was a façade.

The smiles he wore apart from these times were not real. It shouldn't be easy to spot a lie so easily, but I had come to figure out his true smiles to his hollow smiles. Not even Harry's fans knew how to tell them apart. Whenever Harry was fake smiling, the corners of his lips only upturned and his teeth showed ever so slightly. To a lot of people, it just looked like a cocky grin. His true smiles though were different- his lips would upturn, his dimples would indent into his cheeks and the corners of his eyes creased slightly. It was a big difference that only someone who really knew what was going on would be able to spot. It hadn't taken Harry's fans long to find out what was really going on and his name had been owning the Twitter trends the past few days.

The media were having a field day- well, a field week really.

There were so many rumours flying around on the internet and surprisingly a lot of them weren't far from the truth. But one of them had sickened me greatly. It arose from nowhere two days ago and it consisted of the fact that I was rather demanding and had physically harmed my boyfriend to the point that he was rushed into hospital. Harry's true fans knew that this was bullshit but those who weren't and spectators did believe it. This was another reason I was avoiding going outside. It was even getting to the point that I was forgetting what real air felt like and not air conditioning. But even then I wasn't going to leave his side. It may seem clingy but anyone else who knew everything like I do would react very similarly to me. Harry needs someone to love him unconditionally at this moment in time.

For a few seconds he just stared up at the ceiling, telling me he had awoken during the time I was gone. His eyes still had that hollow look in them and his skin was a strange shade. Not only was this a mental thing for Harry now, it was becoming physical. If someone who didn't know Harry walked in and was asked to say what he looked like, they would say ill. Carefully, I reached my hand out and took a hold of his, giving his palm a gentle squeeze. It was now that he seemed to momentarily snap out of it and he turned his head to face me, a tiny smile on his lips. It was only there for a fraction of a second but it was still there. There is hope, if I don't hope for some kind of miracle to happen I will lose Harry for good and that is something I don't want.

We've been dating for fifteen months and known each other a year and a half. We've shared intimate moments with each other, we've fought, we've fell out, we've split up, we've dealt with bullshit rumours, we've dealt with long distance and time differences. Normally in serious relationships this would break the couple but if anything it only made us stronger. Surely we can overcome this hurdle.

I realised now that my thumb was gently stroking his left cheek and he had rolled over onto his side so as not to strain his neck. I tried my best to ignore the multiple wires that were hooked up to drips and a heart monitor. He had to have a very close eye on him to make sure the pills he swallowed were not still in his system (it was unlikely after this time but it was still possible) and also to make sure that his body was not rejecting the other medication he was hooked up to currently. His hair was lying flat and his roots were getting a bit oily but I really couldn't give a fuck. I didn't fall for Harry simply because of his looks, I fell in love with him for him. Although secretly I couldn't deny that his looks were a huge bonus but I won't tell him that because then he will think I'm using him which I don't want. If he thought that, it would be straight back to square one in trying to get him to trust and open up to me.

"How are you feeling? Like, really feeling?"

His eyes broke contact with mine for a bit but I knew he was thinking of an answer. At least he no longer had a tube down his throat that breathed for him. The day after he was rushed into hospital his airway began to shut and he had to get emergency surgery once again. There was simply too much going on to even begin to comprehend a single moment. Harry's eyes soon travelled up to meet mine and I let a small smirk erupt on my lips when I noticed him stare at my pout. We hadn't kissed since Niall barged in on us last week. Partially in fear of unwanted visitors causing a distraction and partially because I didn't want to push Harry. I was quick to figure out that the first time he woke up from a weird comatose/dead state, he was in denial about what had happened. He thought he had actually died. It was horrible for me to explain to him that he had failed in his attempt to end his own life and he retreated more into himself than I have ever seen him.

"Not good, I'm not going to lie to you love."

My eyes widened a little bit, this was the first time he had spoken in a few days and despite his voice being scratchy from not being used, he still sounded like himself. That thick accent and slow speaking combination sending tingles through my body. Hearing the word love fall from his lips again only caused goosebumps to form on my skin and the hair on my arms to start prickling up. Even in this weird state that my boyfriend is in, he still manages to free the many endorphins from inside. Despite wanting to know more, I knew I couldn't push him. I had to be patient with him and let him tell me it all himself again. This time though I have learned how to be patient and not to jump immediately to conclusions regarding everything. The last time I did jump to conclusions ended in tragedy for a week.

Instead I gave him a bright smile and let my eyes tell him what I was thinking. A tiny smile formed on his plump lips again which then sent my heart into a pounding machine inside of my rib cage. I moved my face forward before hesitating- searching Harry's expression for any sign of rejection. When I found none I inched forward a little bit more until our lips were millimetres apart. I could feel his hot breath fanning lightly against my chin and his electric green eyes were staring deep into my own, a silent request that he wanted this.

With the given permission, I closed the gap between our lips and right then electricity was flowing through my veins. I missed his lips, I missed how he tasted and I missed the affection. Harry hesitated lightly and I went to pull my lips away but he caught my own again. Slow and steady. That is what our kiss was like. Our lips were moving almost in a perfectly synchronised dance and every soft touch was treasured like diamonds. It wasn't long until a felt a familiar pressure against my lips and I smiled gently before allowing Harry access to explore my mouth. I let out a soft moan of delight when his tongue brushed gently over the roof of my mouth before moving down to battle my own for dominance. This time I let him win because I really enjoyed this and I was not going to complain.

A soft cough from behind caught our attention and we both pulled away in embarrassment. The nurse was a male and he was chuckling lightly to himself at our expense. I swear the last week people have been walking into this room at the most inappropriate times. I leaned down and gently pecked his lips once more and trying to hide an amused grin when he made a noise of disapproval. Either this nurse was here to check up on Harry or he was wanting to speak with me. I gave Harry's hand a light squeeze before making my way out of the room- it didn't take me long to realise that the nurse was wanting to speak with me. Just as I was about to ask him what he wanted he said gently;

"The mediation is now completely out of his system, which means he is well enough to go home. I would advise that he not go back to his own flat/house whatever because it could trigger a relapse. I spoke to your mum about it and she is perfectly fine with giving away the spare bedroom to him."


	45. Forty-Four.

When I heard those words leave his mouth, I was ecstatic. Despite it not being a good situation- in fact it was actually a really bad situation- Harry was going to be living with me. We hadn't ever really talked about living together before and despite us not talking about it much at all, we both knew that the time would have come eventually. Well, fast forward two weeks and living with my boyfriend has been nothing like I imagined it to be. I wasn't going to whine about it though because I knew why it was so weird.

For one, as soon as Simon found out about Harry almost killing himself and hearing about the horrifying betrayal- he didn't leave Harry much choice and just stated to him that his second worldwide tour was going to be postponed until he was in a better place again. This had caused a huge outcry from people who were counting down the days to the date and they were only made even more confused when no one would openly say what had happened. Harry's fans or people in general apart from about ten knew the entire story and Harry doesn't want people to know the story either.

It is perfectly understandable however because if Harry comes out with it any time soon he will immediately be branded a liar simply wanting more media attention to keep his name on the front page of tabloids and magazines. This was obviously not the case and I hated thinking like that but it was true. The only people who do know the whole picture is Harry, Niall, Simon, Niall's immediate family and myself. No one else. In some ways I wanted to just scream out everything but I knew that I would only hurt Harry more by doing that. I worked really difficult to gain the broken boys trust and I was not going to sabotage that by opening my mouth and not holding my tongue.

I always kind of imagined that if we lived together we would be doing a little bit of everything. However, it is kind of sad that Harry has barely left the spare bedroom for the past fortnight. The only times he ever really does come out is when he needs to go and relieve his bladder. At night, I stayed in the room with him, taking the old blow up mattress that I hadn't used since before Olly moved. It was good to have Olly living in London again so close to Chad and myself but we just haven't had much time to do anything. They understand though that Harry really does bring out the best in me and they know that I am extremely protective over him.

Honestly, if anyone so much as dared say something horrible about Harry I didn't hesitate to fight back.

The other day we had gone shopping with Olly seen as he was still finishing up with furnishing his flat and a group of girls- around five- came up to me asking what was really going on. I bit my lip though and I just said what Simon had revealed in a statement concerning his health right now. All I told them was that mentally he was in a really bad place right now and one of them made a really horrible remark and I didn't hesitate to snap back. I might not understand it myself, but at least I know that. I am sick to my fucking stomach by now of people not taking mental illnesses seriously enough.

It is disgusting, truly disgusting. In fact, that is sugar-coating it if I am being completely honest. Simply because a person doesn't understand something does not mean it isn't a very serious situation. Harry nearly killed himself three weeks ago yet a lot of people were being extremely selfish about the fact they would have to wait longer than they were supposed to. Of course after that small outburst at those girls I got a lot of hate barrage thrown my way and that was when I just decided to hold my tongue. I don't want Harry knowing that his fans are going against me simply for defending him during such a horrible time.

Although I wouldn't say that about all of his fans. Occasionally I did get some very nice messages from people who do genuinely understand anything like this whether it be depression, to bipolar, to schizophrenia. Whether that be from personal experience or from watching someone extremely close to them experiencing it. It was nice having someone there who actually understood me and this made everything click for me. Harry never told anyone because he knew those people wouldn't understand- but he knew I would. I've had a bit of a hectic year myself, especially with my parents. My mum ended up falling into a really strange denial which led to her developing a really bad drinking problem when her marriage to Mark began crumbling into dust.

Harry told me because I do genuinely understand- just not from personal experience which I think is what he wanted all along. He never wanted someone to just say they were sorry because if they didn't know themselves or were there when all of that shit happened to him then they didn't mean it. That only happened when someone was trying to understand what it was like which Harry hates. I didn't know what he meant when he first told me this a while ago but now I definitely do know. He just wanted someone to understand him as a person and not as someone who was fighting his own mind on an everyday basis every single waking moment.

Then again, it wasn't just every waking moment that things happened with Harry. It was a good thing that the walls in my house were thick and it was even better that my sisters were all told by our mum to stay with Mark until things start to get better. Neither of them didn't and shouldn't hear Harry's petrified screams at night from his past haunting him where he should be at peace. It was also horrible for me when my mum told me that everyone is physically paralysed when they are sleeping so Harry physically can't wake up unless someone forces him to. In simple words, when Harry gets a nightmare he is stuck with it.

This was the reason I had decided to stay in the same room as him so that if he does get one, I can easily wake him up before it gets far too graphic. Then again, they will always be graphic- his mind is rebelling against everything in him by replaying visions of his worst days. The first few days I would cry myself whenever I was woken from my own sleep in order to wake up Harry but now as sad as it was I had gotten used to it. No one should be used to holding their partner to their chest whilst they cry. Like my suspicions, my mum confirmed that Harry was not suffering nightmares- they were indeed night terrors. It sickened me greatly when she confirmed that it is also a recognised disorder meaning Harry doesn't just have depression. She couldn't confirm it- but she also thought that there was a possibility that Harry also had a mild case of bipolar.

It was giving me a headache just thinking about it all.

I wouldn't ever change a single thing though. Well, if I could I would change these patterns in a sense because it seems to go in a cycle which is what led to my mum assuming that he has a third mental disorder. In the morning he would kind of seem like he was back to being his normal self but then the reality sunk in and he would recluse in on himself once more. He was like a snail in some ways. Not only were things going extremely slow here but that is understandable because it takes a long time to find a way to fight off your own mind. It was the fact that when scared, the tiny creatures curl up into their shell as an act of defence and fear. That is what it was like for Harry. He might seem like a very brave teenager but he was always silently terrified. He hardly let people in to see what it was really like behind the scenes.

I wonder what it would be like if he actually did eventually tell everyone. It would probably cause a huge storm to brew on the horizon and the second those words would leave his mouth would be when the storm hit. Destruction, chaos, fear, running away from everything but most of all horror. There would not be any good reaction from anyone over it apart from them being glad that someone openly speaks about problems like this. It is evil, and as horrifying as it is, Harry's case is not uncommon.

There are really young kids who are forced into controlling and abusive family relations. There are kids being abused sexually in both senses- orally and fully. There are young kids who battle depression and fitting in all thanks to whatever happened to them when they were younger. Sometimes it does get too much to the point that it seems like there really only is one option- death. There are young people who are starving on the streets because they lost their family, were disowned or quite simply had nowhere to go.

It is a lot and it is very stressful just thinking about it. Harry went through all of them and he was just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. He knew it too because it was from that tweet when he used the analogy of a time bomb to explain just what was going on- the same tweet which told me exactly what was going on. I'm so glad that I did figure it out, even just a few minutes later and his liver would have literally turned to mush from the excess medication. Fortunately, I was on time which was a rare thing for me as I am usually always late. It's quite ironic that the one thing that I wasn’t late had led to me saving Harry's life. From figuring it out so quickly- I had gained Niall's full trust. Yes, the blonde guy held no more animosity towards me but he still had trouble in genuinely trusting me.

Again, that was perfectly justified. This is what gave me hope that Harry would by some miracle turn a corner and get better enough so he could do what he loves again. A few days ago, Niall turned up on my doorstep which confused my mum as she didn't know who he was. I just coughed awkwardly and said that Niall was Harry's adopted brother. Luckily she didn't question me further on the topic because I think she knows that if she ever did know she would need to hear it from Harry and Harry only. Niall had told me that Harry had been exactly like he is now the first couple of months after he had found him starving in a street. I had to physically hold in the vomit from escaping my mouth when Niall showed me two pictures next to each other.

One was taken only a few weeks before the incident, the other I didn't even recognise yet I knew it was Harry. He was literally nothing but skin and bone, his entire face was sucked in and don't even get me started on the shade of his skin. It was a sickly shade of blue and grey, showing just how malnourished and cold he was. Niall told me that the picture in question was just after his dad called police and adoption centres to legally make Harry his son. Now I knew why the Irish lad had gone so out of his way to help someone he didn't know. If I saw someone who looked that sick and was that much underweight I would have done something too. Maybe not the adoption thing but I would have given them a decent amount of money and took them to a hospital.

That is what disgusted me. Niall told me that he had found Harry just a few blocks away from Oxford Street- one of the busiest streets in the city. Fucking hell, there is even a monopoly street named after it! There must have been hundreds- probably thousands of people walking passed him every single day yet nobody gave a shit- this picture said it all. I physically couldn't even look at it. If Harry could pick himself up and piece himself back together again after that then there is a chance that he can pick himself up from this. How the fuck could a family do that to a member simply because they can't accept his sexuality? Why would anyone in their right- nope, scratch that- fucked up mind even consider bailing out someone who mentally, physically and sexually abused his children?

His own fucking flesh and blood.

He was still barely talking and it was taking a toll on his voice. The last time I heard him speak was when he asked to borrow my laptop this morning because he had to do something. I was expecting to hear that deep accent, instead I heard a very scratchy voice and it sounded like he hadn't drank anything for days on end. I didn't bother questioning him what he was doing because it hurt to hear his voice like that. It was like the Harry I knew had in fact died three weeks ago and the nineteen-year-old across the corridor was an imposter. I still loved him though, if anything this entire fiasco had only made my feelings even stronger and I'm not sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

I was messaging my best friends on WhatsApp trying to distract my mind from thinking even more. I've thought up so many scenarios and the majority of them turn out bad. I hope that none of them ever come true or even slightly true for that matter. I wouldn't be able to handle it and I would be back to square one like I was after the shit with my ex. It would be worse though this time around if anything did happen, I am genuinely in love with Harry whereas I thought I loved James. The tables have turned on me. First it was me who was like Harry is right now just over two years ago yet it is now me being there for Harry helping him through this. I'm not even caring about the fact that I'm turning twenty in less than a week. I would have normally freaked out at this small fact but my priorities were set right into a straight line. Getting older is not a bad thing at all.

After around an hour I was getting very bored so I walked into the spare room to see Harry staring at the screen. I didn't want to push him but I also didn't want to sit in my room bored the whole day. He looked up and I had to gulp down the lump in my throat at seeing his tear stained cheeks- he had obviously been crying again. I waited patiently, if he didn't want it then I wouldn't do anything. I was shocked though when he pushed the laptop to the side and opened his arms wide for me to wrap him up in. I moved over onto the double bed and held his face close to mine. The slight scratchiness of his jawline caught my attention- when did he have a beard? I looked out of the corner of my eye to see a very tiny amount of hair there which would not be noticeable unless it was close up like I was currently.

I'm surprised that he didn't tuck his head under my chin like he has been with the very little physical attention with us relationship sense. We hadn't kissed since that nurse interrupted us. Honestly, people walk in at the worst moments at all times. It was now that I let my eyes wander to my laptop to see just what it was that Harry was using it for. I frowned in confusion at seeing a picture of a house. Harry seemed to realise what had caught my attention now and once again he tucked his head under my chin. I gently stroked his back to let him know I was here for him and I wasn't leaving him alone. If Harry has bounced back from horrible things in his life without someone constantly being there to love him completely who wasn't family, then I hope he can make it this time. I am not and I will not give up on him.

"I'm moving. I can't stay in that flat. I know if I do I'll relapse and I can't put anyone through that, you especially. I know I'm not better Louis and I'll be honest I won't be for a while. It physically hurts when I see how much it is hurting you and I don't want to relapse and never wake up again- I can't put you through it because I love you too much Louis."

A small tear fell from my eye and I was aware of someone standing in the doorway. Don't ask me how, I could just feel another presence there looking on at our exchange. I didn't look to see who it was, just focusing on caring for my boyfriend. It did annoy me a little that he was putting me before himself but at the same time a tiny smile appeared at how cheesy that was. Eventually he pulled away and just looked me deep in the eyes before leaning in and gently moulding his lips against mine. Whoever it was in the doorway forgotten but we didn't use tongues. This was just a very slow and very innocent kiss. When we did pull away from each other, only realising now that both of our hands were gripped onto each other's side. Neither of us wanted to break apart from each other.

"I'll be there for you; I'm not leaving your side Harry. The truth is, I need you too just as much as you need me despite how cheesy that sounds. I love you so much Harry and I am so glad that Félicité snuck backstage at your concert behind my back because I wouldn't have met you. Yeah I would have met you through the whole documentary thing but I wouldn't have gotten to know you as a person like I do. I'm going to help you through this Harry."

Not once did I break eye contact with him silently telling him that I actually meant every single word I was currently saying to him. I do mean it though; I really don't know what I would be doing if I didn't meet him. I don't know what I would be doing if I didn't fall in love with him. Despite the fact that I'm still so young I know that Harry is the one. I'm not going to bring up any serious topics like moving into our own place together, marriage, kids or anything like that. Partially because I don't want to scare him away and partially because I'm not ready for any of that yet. In a few years though, definitely in a few years.

It was now I did the one thing I hadn't in a long time, or at least it had been a long time in which it wasn't something stupid to do. I sang. I don't even know what song it was I was singing but somehow the lyrics were circling in my mind and I just couldn't stop. Harry smiled a little and caught on to whatever it was because he was soon quietly singing along with me. I'm not very secure with my voice but it seemed like the only way to show Harry just how much I need him- he knows that I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before. We balance each other out and that is what makes it work between us. Eventually he tucked his head under my chin again and it wasn't long until his breathing evened out telling me he had fallen asleep. I smiled lightly and gently kissed the top of his head before carefully moving from the bed to let him lie down, closing the laptop lid and placing it on the ground as I did so.

I walked out of the room, being careful so as I didn't make any noise that would wake him up. He looks so peaceful but I know it won't last. In a couple of hours most likely he will be in the midst of another night terror. The second I stepped out I realised that it was my mum who was looking in at us. Her eyes were all wet and she was giving me a very large smile. I walked over and pulled her into a hug myself, stroking her back lightly.

"He really loves you, Louis. Only an idiot wouldn't be able to see it."

I blushed lightly as she continued;

"And you love him just as much, maybe even more."

I couldn't do anything but nod whilst trying to hide my flaming cheeks. Around an hour passed before I decided I should get to sleep seen as it was now almost midnight. Harry was still sleeping peacefully and I had to hide my chuckle at seeing his mouth was opened really wide and soft snores were escaping his lips. I then proceeded to climb underneath the covers of the blow up bed and softly caressed Harry's cheek lightly.

"I love you, Harry."

He didn't hear me and I didn't want him to hear me either. To me it was my own way to let him know just how strong my feelings were. I then reached back to turn the desk lamp off which coated the room in complete darkness. I could still make out the silhouette of Harry's body on the bed and I smiled lightly before letting sleep take over.

It was the first night that Harry wasn't plagued by a night terror in three weeks.


	46. Forty-Five.

The next week or so, this pattern continued. Harry would slowly let me back in and then I would comfort him. I began to genuinely hope that he would get better soon. Unfortunately, I thought too soon. For the past week Harry had been looking for houses and this morning he had told me that he had found a place that was only within a fifteen-minute driving distance of my house. I was very glad about this because that meant we were even closer.

He asked me to accompany him to a private viewing because he had somehow managed to convince the real estate agent who was selling the house to not tell the current owners the offers which had already been made. I hadn't even seen any pictures of the house; he was refusing to tell me. I was a bit worried though. This would be the first time that Harry had stepped outside in the past month. It was a good thing that he was finally getting back onto his own two feet but I was scared. It wouldn't be easy for me to be there for him- well, not as easy.

Over the past week he had one more night terror and I didn't even need to think hard to find out what it was. He was screaming like he was in physical agony and every time I grabbed hold of him gently he would flinch in his paralysed state. There really could only be one explanation as to what it was he was dreaming about- the rape. The entire abuse thing was already horrific but that only made the picture even more disgusting. He was eight years old and he was forced to give away his virginity to someone he should love. I can't even call him Harry's dad because a dad wouldn't do that to their kids- only a serious dickhead would do that.

At least he didn't live with it for decades on end like some people who are far too scared to openly speak about such things. Then again, he probably would have if it weren't for his twin calling his mum in hysterics. What must that phone call have been like? For a mother to get a call from her eight-year-old son telling her that their dad was hurting them? And not on accident? In ways I wish I did get the chance to meet Harry's mum, I had only ever seen one picture of the woman who gave birth to him and that was the day after Harry told me everything. When he took me to the studio with him whilst he told me that he wanted me to see the pictures.

Speaking of which, I still hadn't read that journal. I had picked it up to read more into it because I know that Harry wants me to see more of it. I flipped it shut and had to run to the toilet and clench the sides of the pan whilst dry heaving at seeing a reddish/brown stain on one of the pages. It wasn't just on one place; it was all over the page. It could only be one thing- his own blood. Of course I knew that Harry had physically harmed himself before but seeing those stains on the white pages confirmed it for me in the worst possible way.

I shook my head and screwed my eyes shut as tightly as possible because I didn't want to think of it. I had to be strong for him today.

Slowly, he had been coming out of the spare bedroom more often and my sisters had visited a couple of times. I gave Lottie a glare though considering the last time I saw her she suggested I should break it off. I knew she was worried about how it was taking a massive toll on me but I wouldn't be able to do it. It was awkward between us until she eventually pulled me outside so nobody could hear a word we were saying and she simply apologised. It turned out that my mum had told her about last week when we were both confessing how much we needed each other whilst softly singing to each other. That is what told her that I would only be a bigger mess than I am currently if I broke up with Harry.

It no longer was a strange sight to see him sitting on the couch in the living room although he was still barely eating. My mum also told me there was a reason for this without him hearing because he had obviously already heard it from doctors when he was still in hospital. Basically all those antidepressants he swallowed had caused excessive acidic activity in his stomach which made it physically painful for him to eat. The muscle had pretty much been almost destroyed but it was slowly healing. When I heard this, I no longer bugged him if he didn't eat much. I don't want him to be in physical pain and I don't want him to be rushed into hospital once more. I really, really despise hospitals with a passion.

Just the thought of sickness, death and decay made me queasy and that strong antiseptic smell only made it worse. I physically shivered simply at the thought and tried to think of something to take my mind off of the horrid buildings. I pulled on my coat and walked downstairs to once again see Harry curled up on the couch. I could hear a light sizzling coming from the kitchen which told me my mum was busy cooking breakfast- well, brunch really since it was almost 1P.M. Harry looked better but I knew better than that, I could still see that haunted and pained look in his eyes that he couldn't hide. It is always the eyes which betrays body language. So despite him looking quite collected right now he most definitely wasn't.

I sat down beside him and gently rubbed his back. The viewing was in just over half an hour and I had already told him I was going to go with him along with Niall. The last few days the blonde bombshell had been coming over and helping me with Harry. He has already gone through this before so he knows first-hand from personal experience. My mum was getting confused at all of the conversations we had because we are two of about ten people who know the entire story and neither of us are going to talk about it if Harry won't want people knowing. If it was me I wouldn't want people knowing either to a certain extent. I would do it to let younger kids going through similar things know that they aren't alone at all but I wouldn't want to feel so exposed. Harry can't even go a day without a new rumour appearing.

Yes, people did know that he tried to kill himself but they don't know the reason. His fans and the media were starting to get extremely impatient with his refusal to appear in public but he doesn't want anyone to see him at his weakest. Nobody even knew that Harry had been staying in the spare bedroom of my house. A lot of people just assumed that Harry had been staying in his flat.

Soon my mum came out with some food and I smiled at her. I also didn't eat much but that was because I had also eaten cereal this morning since I woke up before everyone else so I wasn't too hungry. I looked at Harry and I noticed that he had cleaned up well but he still looked ill. There really was no word to describe what he looked like other than that. He knew how to hide it though- after all he had been hiding his true emotions since he was five/six years old.

My mum offered to drive us there but I shook my head to let her know that I didn't mind. She furrowed her eyebrows but nodded because she knew that as soon as I had made my mind up there really was no way that it was getting changed.

The drive there didn't take long at all and I could feel Harry's nerves moving over me. It was weird but somehow I could just feel what he was currently feeling and it made the hair on my arms and the back of my neck stick up. I squeezed his hand to try and calm him down but I knew it wouldn't do any good. He was nervous to be outside right now; he wasn't nervous about where we were going. The gated street came into view which told me that the place Harry was looking at was going to be a very high figure of money. Then again, he is filthy rich so he can afford things like this.

The agent had given us the passcode and I drove up the street, using the satnav app on my phone to tell me what one it was. Soon it beeped which told me that it was this one and I parked up in the large driveway. I gave Harry a small smile before getting out of the car with him but it wasn't long until I had pulled him into my side despite him being three inches taller than me. It probably looked rather entertaining to any onlookers but this was anything but a funny situation. Harry is buying a house because he knows he will immediately relapse if he goes back to his flat.

It was a good thing that when I told Chad and Olly they agreed to help me pack up his flat because they also understood- just not on a personal level like I do. They both kind of see Harry as another un-biological brother now like they do me. It was awkward when they first met Niall because they knew that he had threatened me at the start of everything but the second the Irish guy mentioned the word 'pub' they liked him.

I wasn't really paying attention to the house so I wasn't taking in the size or the decor. I was only focused on making sure Harry doesn't have an episode or a panic attack. I had been quick to figure out that Harry tried to end his life during an episode so he was quite literally not in control of his own mind when it happened. Hence why I was absolutely terrified he would have another episode because I don't want to find him dead ever again in my life because if I did I might actually be too late this time. I sprung to attention however when I heard what the price the house was; they were asking for £2,500,000. I breathed in sharply when we were told that someone had put in an offer which was higher than the asking price. Despite knowing Harry had a lot of money in the bank it was still a ridiculous amount. I bit my lip hard when Harry told the real estate agent that he was willing to pay £3,000,000 for the place.

It was a week later that Harry heard back from the agent and not to anyone's surprise his offer was accepted on the spot. No wonder though, Harry had willingly spent £500,000 over the asking price for the place. The next day he went to collect the keys with Niall seen as I had to pick up my sisters from school since my mum and Mark were both working currently. I was a bit anxious for this but I knew I wouldn't always be able to be there for Harry no matter how much I hate it. Niall offered to move in with him to keep an eye on him because he knew just as well as I that I had to get used to not having him by my side like he had been the last five weeks.

The next two days I spent helping Chad and Olly move his stuff from his flat to his new house, both of my friends whistling in shock. Olly may have been used to mansions by now but it didn't mean he didn't find them very impressive still. It took us another day to be able to put everything in its place and soon it began to feel like a home and not just a house. It was out in the media very quickly that Harry had moved and it didn't take long for people to figure out where it was he stayed. And that also meant paparazzi and reports much to everyone's annoyance. Luckily, he had arranged to have a top security unit placed around the house which would hopefully keep unwanted visitors out.

Two months. It had now been two months. Eight weeks and three days since Harry had gone on hiatus. Fifty-nine days since the monster that is his dad was bailed out. Fifty-nine days since Harry had finally snapped. Two months since he almost took his own life.

The past few weeks those facts had replayed in my mind. People had finally began to notice the sudden change in Harry too. Just a few days ago some pap managed to get a picture of him sobbing; it was all over twitter in a matter of minutes. Now that he was starting to get out and about- even though it was very rarely- it wasn't difficult for people to see just how depressed Harry actually was. Despite this fact he still managed to put a brave face on but occasionally it did bubble over and just his luck a pap had gotten a picture of him silently breaking.

I felt so bad for him. What he had gone through in life is downright disgusting; no other words could describe it. I just don't understand why a member of his own family would have done such a horrible thing. After all, the guy had gone through years of abuse, been raped, and lost his brother to suicide and everyone else he ever truly cared about. Yes, I understand that his family didn't accept him because he's gay. But to bail someone out who put his own son's through three years of torture was not right under any circumstances.

These thoughts tortured my mind each and every night. If they tortured me, what the hell was it actually like for Harry? For the last few weeks we had been trying our best to keep up our relationship but it's just not the same and he knows it too. It killed me knowing that we might never be the same again. He rarely even spoke now and even when he did, he was extremely vague, he never opened up like how he used to. It was just as if all life had been sucked out of his body and left an empty shell.

It was horrible to be honest. Seen as he never really spoke anymore, nor did I for that matter. My mum and sisters had figured that something was going on with myself and Harry relationship wise. It was finally beginning to take its toll on us but my mum just sternly told me to not give up- he had already improved massively over the last couple of weeks. I never told them what he had gone through though; it's not my story to tell.

So when fifty-nine days later, I got a call from Niall I was expecting the worst. Since Niall moved in with Harry he had been updating me daily and it hurt knowing that he was still suffering night terrors. Some nights he would have them and others he wouldn't. When he hadn't had one for a few days the next one that did come seemed to strike back ten times worse. He just couldn't escape it no matter what and I think that is what hurt the most. Knowing that Harry is stuck with this for life.

When he called me that afternoon to tell me that Harry had been writing again, it was a huge relief. Niall had to keep an eye on him at all times which I knew was beginning to take a toll on him. He was at university but whenever he had lectures or anything to go to I would go and be with Harry so he was never alone. Make sure he eats, kept clean or he didn't try to kill himself again. Suddenly the image of finding him dead flooded the torturous thoughts in my mind which was so much worse. I felt my eyes sting a little. Before that happened I didn't realise just how much Harry meant to me. I thought it might have just been another teenage relationship. When that happened though, it made me realise that I physically needed him in my life.

It was a harsh realisation.

When I heard that he was writing again, I grabbed my coat before legging it to Harry's. His new house was rather large to put it lightly, definitely mansion sized. He had enough money though seen as he couldn't really spend it on anyone. Since it was such a short journey from my own house I didn't bother driving there unless it was raining. The house was three floors, had five bedrooms, four bathrooms, two living rooms, an office space, an indoor pool and a small home cinema. I stopped when I felt my phone vibrate so I took it out of my pocket; I noticed it was Chad calling;

"Hey Chad."

I walked a bit slower so I could talk to him because I didn't want Harry to feel like I was ignoring him by speaking to my best friend. He probably wouldn't feel like that but my own mind just wasn't thinking straight.

"Hello Louis, are you doing anything?"

I sighed a little before replying;

"I'm heading to Harry's now, what about you?"

I kicked a rock on the pavement. Chad and Olly both knew that Harry tried to take his own life two months ago but they didn't know the reason behind it. It took time, but Harry had recently trusted them. How much he trusted them I wasn’t sure. It definitely wasn’t as much as he did Niall or I but it wasn’t that far off of the mark.

"Not much, just at Olly's. How is he?"

I could hear the concern in his voice. Chad had slowly begun to see Harry as a brother, although he knew Harry could never see him in that way with what happened to Marcel and all. It was a good thing that Chad was one of those people who could seemingly get inside of a person’s mind to see what their thoughts were like. He wasn’t at all insulted that Harry could never consider him anything of the sort and I think this only made Harry trust him more. 

"Well he's writing again, so it's a start."

I could picture him nodding his head in agreement. He didn't know what had actually happened but he did know it had seriously messed up Harry. I now noticed I was outside Harry's, I looked down at my phone and now I thought to invite them both over. Harry and Niall had both warmed up to them quite well so I don't think they would mind much- if at all. I waited outside the gate on them to turn up. I was waiting for about ten minutes when they got here. We all walked up to the house after I typed in the password and we all walked along the driveway to the front door. I didn't even hesitate by knocking on the door, I just walked right inside. I noticed Niall walk into the hall, he had a large smile on his face. Then again he almost always had a smile on his face.

"Hello you three."

We shook hands before walking into the living room although I tried to hide my short chuckle at the way Niall pronounced 'three'. It came out more like 'tree' which I found pretty amusing. I noticed quickly that Harry was absent. Niall seemed to read my mind however and replied still with that goofy grin on his face;

"Downstairs, in the studio."

I felt my eyes widen in shock as he nodded, confirming what was on my mind right now.

"He's recording again."

I couldn't stop the huge smile from coming onto my face. It may not be much but the fact that he had been recording again was a huge step in his recovery. We all knew better than to disturb Harry when he was recording, so instead we just talked and waited on him to emerge. It was roughly another hour when he did; he jumped clearly startled at seeing us all here. I got up and slowly walked over; he did the same as we both wrapped our arms around one another. It was very comforting to have him in my arms again.

"I would have stopped if I knew you were all here."

It was Niall who spoke first;

"We knew better than to interrupt you when you were recording, especially with what you've been writing about."

He gave Niall and me a small smile, confirming our thoughts on what he had been writing about. Although, the confused expressions that crossed Chad’s and Olly's faces was enough to get me worried though. I don't know if Harry would tell them, but it was blatantly obvious they wanted to know the entire story from him and him only.

"How much did you get through Harry?"

Once again it was Niall who asked the question. Harry and I were still wrapped in a tight embrace, neither of us wanting to break apart from the other;

"About ten maybe."

I felt my eyes widen and I looked at him, he looked down to the floor after this. About two hours had gone by, although all we did was watch the inbetweeners in the small cinema upstairs. It was nice though. It was nice to see Harry joking and laughing like he usually did. I guess he really did mean it when he said that music helps him speed up his road to recovery. This was interrupted though by Chad;

"Um Harry, I get it if you don't want to talk about it but just what had been going on?"

I took in a sharp breath at Chad's question and I quickly shot him a look as if to say, 'What are you doing Chad?' I looked around the room and I spotted Niall was biting his lip, his eyes darting from me, to Harry and finally to Chad and Olly. Chad quickly added on at seeing our reaction to his question- immediately realising that it was really bad;

"It's ok, Harry. Don't bother."

Harry looked up at me then at Niall, seemingly contemplating something. I bit down into my bottom lip as dread seeped through me once again, was he considering telling them right here, right now? Niall had also realised this and he was also looking at Harry with a stern look, silently asking him if this was what he certainly wanted to do. After a few seconds, Harry looked up at the two of us and he said something I didn't expect;

"Do you both trust them with this?"

I looked over at the Irish lad and I could tell he was thinking exactly the same as I was. We sat in silence before reluctantly nodding, neither of us wanting to hear the story again but we needed to support Harry. I noticed that Chad and Olly were looking at us expectantly with worried glances, they had obviously realised that this was extremely serious. With this thought, a moment later Harry slowly began to tell his story from the very beginning. He told them everything from the beatings; to the rape; moving to London; Marcel taking his own life; the crash that killed his mum, his step-dad and sister.

He told them how he became homeless after not being accepted for his sexuality and finally to meeting Niall and Simon and becoming a singer full time. By the end of it we were all crying, although Niall was the worst. I figured this was because he was by Harry's side through the last three and a half years. I pulled Harry in allowing our lips to gently meet briefly before pulling away again. He took a deep breath before explaining just what had happened two months ago. To say they both had looks of disgust on their faces was the understatement of the century. It was quiet but then Olly shouted and his anger was coming off in giant waves around the room;

"Who the actual fuck in their right mind would stoop as low as that?!"

The next couple of weeks that passed, Harry got even better and I had to let a giant smile appear on my face at seeing a genuine smile on Harry's face. Simon came by and once he saw how much Harry had improved he asked him if he was ready to go back out and do what he is best at doing and what makes him actually happy. Harry nodded to him and my eyes bulged at seeing that Harry had written over forty songs in the past couple of weeks. The statement was released that night after pictures of Harry entering a studio emerged online that he was well enough to work again. The next day was when I got some serious news myself. The girls were all back home again and my mum had asked me to collect the post seen as she was a bit frazzled to get them all ready for school on time. I picked up the three letters from the cream carpet and checked to see what they were. Two were for my mum but the last one was for me. My eyes widened when I saw where it had come from.

University College London.

I had received my exam results last night when I checked online to see that I had in fact aced all my exams with A*A*A. I handed my mum her letters before ripping open my own even though my fingers were trembling as I did so. My eyes skimmed over the letter and I let out a loud "WOOOO!"

Accepted- unconditionally.

I had a definite place there and I had a month to accept the offer. With that I was outside and running to Harry's place to tell him the news. By now, Niall had finally moved out seen as he had finally gotten to a medium once again in which he could control his mentality. He was a bit confused at seeing how excited I was and I didn't even tell him- I didn't trust my voice to speak so I just handed him the letter. His eyes skimmed over it before he dropped it and scooped me into a huge hug and rocking me side to side, congratulating me as well. Things were getting better. It won't always be like this but right now I was only going to think about the present and not what might hit us in the future.


End file.
